love thine enemy

when i sit down to do my pilates and yoga exercises every day, i rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just spend a minute in stillness.

it's a minute meditation, but it helps to keep me connected to my intuition.  for that, for me, is where i hear God (God being, of course, my own intuition). and if i didn't spend that moment reminding myself to remain steadfastly in touch with my intuition, then i would soon forget what it's like to hear God when She speaks. the Divine Wow is always laughing, but sometimes that laughter is as soft as a fall breeze soughing through the treetops, or as gentle as the sweet breath of a sleeping baby. 

if you're not careful, you can miss it.  i know i do.  

a lot.

so last week i was sitting, breathing, and saying hello to the Funkalicious Jive. i had just finished posting a comment in my latest class (Cognitive, Socioemotional, and Developmental Lifespan Psychology) and someone had tossed out an underhanded insult about my answer to a particular question from our professor. my answer was respectful, genteel, and --for those who know me, or have any edge to their social skills-- was mightily cutting. not the deep cut of a brutal insult, but the long and shallow kind that burns. 

she really got under my skin. my satisfaction didn't outweigh my irritation at even being insulted like i was, so when i came to say my hellos to the Multiversal Jiggy Snake, my feathers were somewhat ruffled. 

"i know, i know," i said.  "we are all One, so insulting her is to insult myself. but really, she asked for it."

"now, you know that's not true," said the Funkalicious Jive.

"must you remind me? okay, i know. compassion would not have said what i said. we are all One, so i could have bowed and accepted her answer with love and understanding that she met my statements within her abilities and understanding. and i know you once said to love my enemies, but--"

*grin* "yes?"

"oh holy crap, really? REALLY? it's that simple?" i broke into a wide smile. "THAT is why we must love our enemies! because we are all One, and our enemy is ourself!"

"you got it, cupcake!"

it isn't that we should love our neighbor as ourselves in the sense that we should only treat them the way we want to be treated because "karma" might take it out of our hides one day in the future. this is not some philosophical exercise, but an exercise in physical truth. not that we shouldn't extend the consideration, gentleness, and compassion to others that we want to see in our own lives; we should. it only makes sense. 

but no. it's deeper than that. it's not treat them like you'd treat yourself.  We Are All One.  we treat OURSELVES as we would treat ourselves! 

the universe is all energy. we are that same energy condensed to a slow vibration. so is our enemy. that same energy. everything from the air we breathe to the phantasmagorically fantastic solar explosions of the smallest sun in the furthest corner of the wildest reaches of the universe. the rocks, the chair you're sitting in at your computer, the loving pet sitting at your feet, the bird that just flew right into your window. 

everything. 

there is no beginning, and there is no end. it is all energy along a spectrum. and all energy is merely the soul of God, encompassing the universe of which we are all a part. if you were to take all that energy and speed it up to the same vibration, there would be no differentiating between a human body and a dust mote. it is all the same. it is all One. 

we are all One. 

i can reach out and touch my lover, and i can feel the energy between us. it is the same energy. our souls mingle in that touch, our auras combine. we share that willingly. all interaction is an exchange of energy. all energy is soul of Goddess. 

the soul houses and safeguards the body. we are the body: the body of the universe, the body of the Funkalicious Jive. and the body cannot be divided against itself. all parts work together in a cohesive whole. 

we are all One. 

i must treat my enemy as i would treat myself, for indeed, i am. 

we are all One.

some new philosophy

lots been happening here.

lots.

i didn't forget this blog right after posting that i would be back.  honest. i just had to find my groove.

i won't go into everything here in detail because that would be counterproductive. needless to say, my life felt like it was lopped off at the knees and i was dragging around bloody stumps for a long time. especially after i had been Delena of the Funkywild here for so long, it was a long way to fall.

i got over it.

the thing about being dedicated to the Funkywild and being an initiate in the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail, no matter how far the fall (or the illusion of falling), there is beauty in the barren and treasure in the trash.  we learn from pain and pleasure, both. we poke fear in the eye and blow it a kiss. it might take a week to forget the Funkywild and nearly two years to muster the saucy daring to give fear that poke in the eye, but we do.

i'm also coming out here --lastly here, sadly, since once upon a time here would have been the first place this would have been announced-- about the eating disorder i've lived with for the past 18 years. i'm in the "eating disorder not otherwise specified" category, because i always fit neatly into my pre-assigned box.

but instead of denying it, i felt extremely embarrassed and overwhelmed, but it made sense to me. then i started taking responsibility for it and decided to change it. just coming clean about it and letting people know has added a lot of confidence. there's been a lot of support from a few very key people i know i can always talk to. and every day i make healthy choices, which in turn makes me want to make healthier choices the next day, and to continue my momentum. when i have to, i vent to people i know will not judge and will let me vent and then help put my head back on straight.

this, too, helps a lot. i think half my difficulty in this arena came simply because i pushed it all down in some tiny little black well inside of me.

it's all coming to light, baby.  i am coming to Light.

my mission here on this planet is becoming clearer, and i'm getting a better sense of what i want to do. it's still vague, but rather than feeling frustration as i have this huge well of passion and excitement with no idea where to direct it, i know i want to live in a manner which brings the Funkalicious Jive to everyone in the world.

because we are all one.

We Are All One.

i said this to someone special today: "how silly we humans are, caught in bonds of our own making, placing arbitrary values on concepts of our own invention."

we are not the drama, but merely the players, and our costumes change as often as our minds. we are not the characters, we are the authors. our pain and rules and convention and propriety and money and minutes and deadlines and obstacles are as real as a stage magic trick; all illusion. we've assigned it meaning, and we can un-assign it meaning, or reassign, or substitute. power is as limitless as imagination, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

i sit and think about this and could almost burst apart with absolute joy. i share my truth and my self, and someone takes me by the hand and loves it so much they run with it. their enthusiasm takes me along with it, and together we feed that excitement of new exploration until the synergy has the infinite energy of perpetual motion and the gravity well draws us both together. and together we create. and in creating we become. and in becoming we create...

some new philosophy, indeed.  i think i'll call it Love.

been a while...

yeah, it's been a while. life got kinda crazy and overwhelming, and quite frankly perhaps i needed the lesson in humility. for some reason i've always believed i had to do it all, be it all, know it all.

no mistakes.

you should see it: the apartment's a mess, my finances are a mess, my mind is a mess. i'm working full time, schooling full time, mothering full time.

i'm sewing cloth diapers, getting into investing, and rejoining these crazy people here. yeah, like i ever knew when to quit, right?

but just look at that face! doesn't she just make you want to go back out and live life to the crazy fullest?

or this one?

i honestly don't know what to title this

i'm sitting in my parents' living room, staring out the window at the small two-lane sorta-highway that runs by their house. they're out in the middle of garden country, with huge industrial nurseries clustered together and growing everything from conifers to japanese ornamental cherry trees and wisteria. big business, where a yearly budget of $30 million is somewhere around the numbers they work with.

it's kinda like the boondocks, but not quite. but with nothing but plant life, two-lane highways, and a local coyote pack feeling at home in a place with no street lamps, it can feel like the middle of nowhere at times. though the middle of the night on a full moon, especially after a snow, is particularly enchanting out here.

right now, the gentle ripple of the cats' water fountain and the occasional truck passing through is all i can hear. well, that, and one of the cats snoring on the recliner next to me. i suppose when you're a 20+ pound cat, snoring's a way of life.

lately, i've been acutely sensitive to stress. even something as minor as knowing i have to be somewhere on a particular day is enough to be halfway to debilitating because my constitution's just so shot. and at my parents', even if none of my problems are fixed, something about feeling this safe...helps. maybe it's muscle tension, because as i hear my massage therapist tell me time and again, that's where i store everything. tense muscles means even my smooth muscles can't relax, and the more stressed out i am, the more i end up with the dry heaves. even on zofran, it can get bad enough that i still can't keep anything down.

vicious, vicious cycles. and the ER bills are piling up.

but that's not so much a worry. that's what payment plans are for. no, what has me so puzzled is this thing called "growing up." a few years ago, i used to resent doing the right thing. don't get me wrong, i'd still do it, but the pain of responsibility and integrity was at times almost physical. i would sigh and gripe about how growing up sucks and doing the right thing was at times damned...inconvenient.

well, maybe i've grown up since then. maybe i've just grown out of my childish selfishness and self-centeredness. (i like to think so, anyway!) or maybe it's just simply that my priorities have changed, and in light of what's truly important everything else just seems expendable.

i've learned that if a situation or a person is making it difficult to do what's right, then they're not in alignment with my honor and integrity which i've worked damn hard over the years to foster. "the right thing to do is only difficult when surrounded by fucktards." in light of that, it's easy to give up what's not important.

what's important now? this is the Year of the Basics. honesty is a basic. so is honor, integrity, and doing everything in my power to raise the iGoddess child right.

so i sent the ex-bf an electronic olive branch. i emailed him, asking if he truly wanted to be a family. it was a simple yes-or-no question, but it took several replies back and forth to get any kind of answer out of him. stubborn son of a bitch.

y'know, tony robbins says that cynical people are cowards. they don't want to trust, or believe in love, and are always believing the worst of a situation so they can protect themselves from getting hurt. that's not smart, that's chicken. he locked himself down so that what happened to him in the past won't ever happen again, instead of making smarter choices, changing a few habits, and trusting the right people.

love is always a far better shield than cynicism. true self love and a thorough knowledge of your own self worth is far better immunity to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than being meaner than a "potential" enemy. and love and joy are far better healers than time and cynical coping mechanisms.

and love heals clean, with no scars.

i stand by my decision to be a single mom if i feel i must. honestly, i don't know if the problems that created our impasse have solutions. but we're sitting down tomorrow morning with a mediator to find out. it was for love i left, i told him, and for love i'm trying again.

my goals, as always, are to be true to myself (not compromise my self-worth or integrity), and to embrace full responsibility as this baby's mother by doing what i believe is best for it.

so, i dunno. we'll see.

This is the Year Of

it's kinda funny. not funny ha-ha, but funny make-the-corner-of-your-mouth-kinda-curve-up-a-little-when-you-bemuse-yourself kinda funny.

i wrote the title to this blog entry and immediately began hearing the Tears for Fears song "Year of the Knife." now, i love Tears for Fears but they got it all wrong. summer won't turn to winter, love won't turn to stone. if anything, tears will turn into laughter, lead will turn into gold.

back in 2007, it was the Year of Secrets compete with: the Season of Temporary Insanity; the Invasion of the unFunk; the writing of the Funky Love Letter of Closure; the Inner Demon Tea Party and Imminent Fatal Gorge-Fest; the Multiversal Jiggy Snake and Funktastic Yayness; and last but not least, the introduction of Delena of the Funkywild.

2008 was the Year of the Delena with...well, wetter, wilder, and more interesting problems to solve. it was a greater definition of who Delena is, what she stands for, where she's going.

2009 was the Year of the Funky Wow! (exclamation point included). since i had a rather good handle on Delena of the Funkywild, it was time to realize my place in a bigger picture, and to develop a closer, intimate relationship with the Jiggy Snake. because i am God, and you are God, and i just thought i'd let you know. *grin*

so what holds 2010 in store for me?

well, as i sit here at 03:45 on New Year's Day, with my cat (my very large cat) whom i rescued on Christmas of the Year of Secrets as a cold, hungry, desperate kitten now sprawled on my lap looking up at me with a very contented kitty smile and purring like thunder...as i feel this thickness in my middle that can only be my burgeoning new child...as i listen to that child's father breathing deeply and evenly behind me...

...after looking backward, then downward, then inward, then upward...growing in love and soulfunk and passion and strength...

...knowing i have a whole, wide world to begin showing to a brand-new person here soon?

well, i suppose that makes 2010 the Year of the Basics, now doesn't it? =)

may the Funk be with you.

AHA! Moment: "And I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"

y'know, lately i've felt really horrible about missing out on all the wonderlicious stuff happening in our little iVillage.

though, i think with how often i've not been posting, i might've been relegated to the outskirts of town, over by the dirt road, in our iVillage, out by no one, lol.

sorry, ladies. i truly am. i miss all of you, and whole days go by where one of the few thoughts in the forefront of my mind is how to convey that since, y'know, we all only really know each other online. and life is, well, Life. we're out there living it every day and coming home to our blog is for most of us a haven of sorts, where we can be alone with our thoughts and have the time to validate ourselves as women.

i know that's what it was for me. my blog has always been a place where i could toss up my thoughts --like paint splatter on a wall-- and just look at it from a more removed location than the overwhelmed tangle it was in my head. it was also my introspective home; i live in my head a lot. i mean, who doesn't? but for me, my inner life is actually more real than the physical life i have.

don't know a lot of people who can honestly say that. i mean, what an egotistical, scary-hermit-like thing to say. then again, some would say what an existential thing to say. so i suppose it's all how you look at it. but really, for me, for years...my thoughts were more to me than the actual physical experiences of my daily life.

now it's just the opposite. it's the ebb and flow of life. something in me shifted, i think, and suddenly i was ready to take all that i'd processed in my head and heart, and go make things happen. and i did. and i am. and now life is so much fun that, for the most part, i don't want to miss it by sitting down at my computer and living online.

there's not much that i have to think about right now. i put the important things together, found where i was out of alignment and put myself back into alignment, and finally learned how to say, "screw what anyone else wants, this life is mine." ...but in a good way.

because i finally realized what it was i wanted. and i'm going out and getting it. i'm kicking ass and taking names, building bigger plans and watching them begin to unfold.

and...i...

...i just don't have the time or --if i'm honest, the desire-- to live online and blog like mad like i used to. my life rocks, honestly. really, truly rocks. and with what i'm building, it's gonna rock even harder here shortly. but i don't want to give anything away, or speak too soon. i just want to keep my momentum.

but i miss my iVillage. just wanted to mention that.

if...

i follow tony robbins on twitter, and earlier he asked what we would do if we knew this was our last day here. i've heard that question before. we all have. it's everywhere. but for some reason, tonight i thought about it.

if i only had 24 hours, i'd call someone up and confess i'm falling in love. nothing huge, nothing grandiose. just quiet, and warm, and there. i'd fill up the Funkmobile and drive to the coast, sit at Hug Point on the huge rock at the south end and write haiku. i'd call up suzi and *t* and li'l *c* and tell them how much i love and miss them. i'd fix myself a huge, honkin' plate of spaghetti and say to hell with celiac disease. oh! and cake. yellow cake with homemade chocolate frosting. i'd buy neat new toys for my cat and give him catnip and just give him the happiest day with me he's ever had.

the next, natural question is, "so then why aren't you doing those things now? why wait until your last day on earth?"

well, to be honest, aside from the whole eating spaghetti and confessing something akin to love (which is probably more like trust, which considering it's me we're talking about, it's probably even more miraculous), i already do those things. i call up the people i love. i tell them i love and miss them. i make sure my kitty is the happiest kitty on the planet. everything else takes care of itself.

right now, i should be taking care of me. and i'm tired. i'm headed to bed.

21 guns

if you listen to the radio at all, you've heard this song. being that i'm in my work truck anywhere from two to six hours a day doing nothing but driving, i now listen to a lot of radio.

this song has really, really stuck with me. for a while i couldn't have told you why. well, aside from the really effing awesome music compilation and especially the drums, i couldn't think of anything. but then i sat down and listened to the lyrics, and i now realize why my subconscious has had such a strong connection to this song.

lately my life has been constant conflict: my body with my work schedule, my mind with my body, my previous programming with my actual needs, my work schedule with my family and friends, my conscious with my subconscious.

way back when, people used to believe that heaven and hell did battle every day, with our bodies and souls as their battle field. lately i've wondered if they were more correct than they were aware of.

i've come to realize certain things about myself, certain aspects of my soul i've denied and abused and tried to kill my entire life. i suppose you could call it my inner child. i've treated her rather cruelly. i'm learning to accept her.

also, a dear, dear person introduced me to a book i had never heard of, and a concept i hadn't known existed. the book is the highly sensitive person, and --like gluten-free girl-- is revolutionizing my life. i've bought three of her books ("the highly sensitive person," the workbook, and "the highly sensitive person in love") and am reading the first one.

sometimes i can't breathe, reading it. just like when i first cracked open gluten-free girl, i am reading a book that is telling me about my life in explicit detail. i've never really felt as if a book were speaking directly to me before, but this particular work is doing exactly that.

it's drumming up very powerful feelings within me. unfortunately, i read this book where and when i can, given my schedule, so it goes without saying i don't have the luxury to experience the emotions freely as if i were to read the book in private. because lemme tell you, if i were...this book would have had me railing and weeping and openly experiencing emotions i haven't felt in too many years.

it's also helping me see myself in an entirely new light: one that's not in the least negative. i'm not crazy. i do not have a disorder. i'm not too broken to live. do you know what it's like, finally learning that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you are worthy? finally, blessedly worthy?

worthy of what? worthy of being alive. worthy of breathing. worthy of just as much love and understanding and acceptance as anyone else.

it's another Delena of the Funkywild r[E]volution. so i'm going through my trunk of old clothes and dusting off my pink go-go boots, pink flashy-hearts-on-springs headband, and my bandolier filled with glitter lip gloss and small bottles of bubble solution. Delena the Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk is back.

she's fucking back.

so i'm raising the white flag. i'm giving the 21 gun salute, discharging my ammunition to show i am no longer hostile to my soul, my sensitive body, my needs, or my inner child. i have no idea how i'm going to live in peace and harmony with them --the demands of my work life are so strenuous and exacting-- but i know i will no longer continue the fight.

my strong, independent, tough adult self that can smell bullshit a mile away and refuses to take any shit from anyone can be an awesome, kickass big sister for my little girl self.

...why have i taken the reins from my bio-parents and been the evil stepmother to her for so long? why have i compounded her abuse? she's strong in her own way, and amazing to have survived for so long, with so little.

and so...i lay down my arms and give up the fight. 21 guns...i lift up my arms into the sky. her and i...

Frog-Eating and You: Eating Frogs for Fun and Profit

i just read the most interesting line just now. like, just now, and so i had to share it.

i just received mark joyner's book the irresistible offer and was reading a special "letter to the customer" type thing that you commonly get when you purchase things through ClickBank. i like ClickBank. they're good people.

anyway, mark's talking about how less than 1% of people who purchase books on improving their business ever read the book, utilize the information, and utilize it properly. those odds, quite frankly, suck. he goes on to say something that many people in the business industry know: the profitable and successful people are the people who do what no one else is willing to do.

well, um...duh.

mr. joyer says, "...it's called 'frog eating,' and if you're the one who will eat the frog, you will be assured a lucrative income anywhere in the world for the rest of your life."


the same is true for personal development, improving your life, taking charge of who you are and who you will be, what you want and what you have. those people who are willing to do what less than 1% of the crowd is willing to do are the ones who walk around in a constant state of peace and happiness that can never be touched by outside influences. they're happy from the inside, and their lives reflect that intangible "Something" they know that no one else can even understand.

why?

they ate the frog.

now, everyone hears this, and because they understand english i know they comprehend the words i'm saying. but understanding is a totally different animal, and people forget this. why?

"because frogs taste like crap, delena!" you say.

well, yeah. but the people who have learned to like the taste of frogs find frog eating to be quite a fun and enjoyable pasttime. they make it more than a hobby, or a sport. they hold seminars on such things as:

Eating Frogs for Fun and Profit

Little-Known Secrets of Better Frog-Eating

Frogs the Whole Family Can Enjoy!

Frogs on the Go: Tips and Tricks to Fit Frogs Into Your Busy Schedule

You've Mastered the Green Frog, Now What? (Tree Frogs, Poison Dart Frogs, and Other Types for the Adventurous FrogMasters)

et cetera.

frog-eaters form MeetUps and groups on Facebook. they coordinate with other frog-eaters and form blogrolls, have annual workshops or bi-weekly frog tasting parties. they love eating frogs! even the poisonous ones.

especially the poisonous ones.

why? well, allow me to share with you a little-known secret. have you read Dune? remember the bene jesserit sisters, masters of the Weirding Way, able to move as a blur, use the Voice to command...and able to swallow poison and change it in their bodies to neutralize it or turn it into something beneficial to them.

master frog-eaters know this technique, so those things that people say are "too hard," or they "could never do that!" or it's "too painful," or my favorite: "it's all right for you, but that's just not something the rest of us can do," are easy-peasy for FrogMasters.

well ain't that just a big, fat pile of steaming bovine bollwocky!

well...yes and no.

anyone can learn to eat frogs, and whether it becomes a favorite activity and they love the taste, or if it's something they grimace and do while chewing really fast (and washing it down with a ton of water) is completely up to the person. but frog is definitely an acquired taste.

frogs like "facing fear," and frogs like "looking in the mirror and meeting your own eyes."

frogs like "being completely honest with yourself," and even frogs like "cleaning out the bad habits and friends in your life."

those are some tough frogs to chew, and even tougher to swallow. and the frogs like "facing fear" look like poison dart frogs to the common masses: especially horrible and to be avoided at all costs. "OH NO!!" people shout. "call poison control! call 911!! delena's just poisoned herself!"

"no i didn't," i say, and keep on popping those poison frogs like appetizers.

...so what frogs have you eaten lately? how'd they taste? but even more importantly, what were the health benefits afterward? how did eating that frog change your life for the better? and looking back, with those amazing benefits frog-eating gave you, wasn't eating that frog just totally, whacked-out crazy FUN??!?

and if you haven't eaten the frog yet...what are you waiting for?

c'mon...

...eat the frog.

you know you want to

the winner's circle

in the last few days, i've received two awards for this blog. life's been kinda crazy-hectic what with school application requirements and job hunting going on (more on that later), and then everyone in my house came down with something at the same time so i've been feeling really wiped out.

so i decided to post my awards today and let the feelings of joy, specialness, and appreciation lift my spirits a little. then i'm gonna go back downstairs and make myself something hot and soupy, curl up on the futon, and watch more Babylon 5.

so the inspirational and uplifting gypsy over at the Creative Soul Explosion (her blog is so aptly named, i totally adore it!) flew over iGoddess and sprinkled it with happiness, zest, and this lovely award of note:



isn't it so pretty! thank you, gypsy! *hugs* and so, along with this art award, i must name 7 things i love, and pass the award on.

i love...

• curling up with my rumbles on the couch, snuggling beneath a thick blanket, and taking an afternoon nap
• the feeling i get after finishing a crochet piece. it seems kinda silly to feel so much pride, wonder, and accomplishment over a scarf, or an afghan, but i've always admired aritsts and composers who could think of something, see it in their minds, and then manifest it beautifully. writing is a type of art, i know...but they're just words. something about crochet is different because i can put my hands on it, feel the textures and admire the colors, and say, "i made this!"
• my family. what can i say about them that hasn't already been said? my possibilities for growth are infinite because my family feeds my soul.
  
• everything about the blog: i love my blog, from Haven to Musings to iGoddess, for giving me a magic mirror through which i could see my true face and learn to love it; for the friends i've met through my blog, and how much connection and laughter we've given each other; for the iVillage, all of us who gather together and support one another, cheer each other on, lend support and encouragement when things aren't so easy, and the sense of female connection and belonging.
  
• i love food. omg, i love food. i love cooking it, arranging it, smelling it, eating it, and sharing it. i love gathering around the table at my parents' house, toasting our health and life, and feeling safe and warm and loved there in the center of everything.
  
• my hatchling. this one's a given.
  
• my life, quite honestly. i love everything about it and everything in it. i love how it's turned out, and i love where it's heading. i love who i am, and the people who surround me. i love my life!
  

-=[@]=-

and the lovely and divinely inspired genie sea over at Reality Insanity honored iGoddess with the Lemonade award! i love it! so now iGoddess has a little lemonade stand so you can come over, help yourself to some refreshing, crisp, and sweet lemonade while you peruse the "rockalicious funkadelity" (to use genie sea's words, which ROCK!)

she also said that i'll "shazam" you. i almost keeled over, i love it! woo! iGoddess will shazam you with bootylicious jiggyfunk! *falls into a heap of giggles* omg, that's funktastic.


so now i must tag nine people who's blog i think needs a lemonade stand up at their blogs. plus i need to tag seven people to bestow the art award.

as well as the universe works, secretly conspiring to shower blessings on everyone, i am very happy to say that almost everyone i would tag has already received both these awards.

however, i do want to make special note for jane over at her painted house. she totally deserves the art award more than anyone else i know. she's got this gorgeous eye for photography: for fun, funky, impromptu, and real pictures. she doesn't give us "perfect" photos of stilted, photographic art so much as she uses the camera to open up a window for us so she can show us a real slice of her life. and her life is beautiful. her life is art. she's living it! and she's a work of art. it's a magic she has with the camera. not to mention the magic in her hands to make gorgeous aprons, beaded jewelry (that i lovelovelove and want money to buy them!), and frames, and journals, and all that lovely, lovely food she always takes pictures of which always makes the painted house an interactive blog because i see those pictures and my stomach growls. hell, it's growling right now just thinking about it!

thanks, jane! now i have to go downstairs and scrounge. =P it's all your fault.

may the Funk be with you!

fucktards hate me. this is good.

you know how there are the fabled "signs of the apocalypse," and the minute people start hearing about more natural disasters, the failing economy, and paris hilton, the more they start talking about another sign the world is ending?

or the sign of buried treasure? who hasn't heard "X marks the spot?"

you read traffic signs to let you know how close you are to your destination, and where you have to go.

well, i just received another very clear sign that i'm headed in the right direction, and that i'm living my life according to solid principles of a high enough caliber that i'm beginning to seriously become distinctive and separate of the unwashed masses:

fucktards hate me.

did you know that donald trump is hated just as much as he is loved and respected? and yes, i'm comparing myself to The Donald, but only in the sense that the people who love and respect me understand me, while the enmity and badmouthing i receive comes from the fucktards who only reveal the true depth of their own vapid, uneducated, cowardly, weak, and small selves the more they focus all that negative energy on someone clearly more promising than they are.

the enmity of fucktards has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. the more they open their mouths, the clearer the picture they paint revealing how much they suck. they will never understand the good i do, never come close to the challenges i face daily as i hold myself to integrity and honesty.

it's difficult to do. but worth every second. just take a look at my life and what i have to show for it. do i have a failing marriage, or thriving relationships? do i have drama and angst, or clarity and room to grow? do i have stagnation, or am i going forward in my education and career? the people who are close to my daily life...what do they have to say about me? what kinds of people are they? i can guarantee they're professional, educated, strong, and know who they are.

those are the kinds of people i have backing me. fucktards are who i have sending nasty emails. who would you tend to believe? and why?

character and reputation are valuable, no doubt. but quality of that reputation and the people voicing such opinions, are just as weighty. i'd rather have one solid reference than a thousand weak ones. not all opinions are created equal.

i only hope that i can be a solid example that it can be done. yes, it's difficult, and scary, and can leave you crying alone in your bed at night sometimes. that's just the process of separating the wheat from the chaff. and believe me, there's lots of chaff out there. but i'm slowly beginning to learn that just because i could do it doesn't mean everyone can, like i used to believe.

but i still invite everyone who wants to come with me...to come with me. i can help. i can teach. i can laugh and cry and hug and support and encourage. i can brainstorm challenges. i can hold up a mirror, and while i might show you things you didn't want to see about yourself, i promise i'm even better at showing you inner wonderfulness you never knew you had.

i'm not trying to say i'm a guru, or set myself up as a leader. i'm simply holding out my hand as i walk down a fantastic and promising, magical and rewarding path and inviting people to walk it beside me. we can teach each other. we can grow. we can Become in ways we couldn't even dream of before now.

i'm holding out my hand. who wants to walk with me?

the delena FAQ

this excerpt comes from an interview with Delena of the Funky Wild, by world renowned bohippian Funkmaster Boho Mom:


1. For what reasons did you decide to start a blog? Has it evolved into anything particularly different for you than you imagined?

wow. well, as my long-time readers know (all 1 of them, ha ha), i had actually begun blogging as a sort of message in a bottle. this heralds back to the days, nine-plus years ago, when i had a website up and was sort of chronicling thoughts and observations about my explorative, spiritual journey away from roman catholicism and into pagan spirituality and witchcraft. i was coding all my own html back then, and finally decided that making an account for a blog would just be easier.

i was really depressed, really confused, and lonely. but i knew there was something better out there. and like pink from the wall, i was calling, "is there anybody...out there?" it was my first verbal cries for help, for sympathy, for human connection.

over the last nine years, three blog relocations, and many self-revolutions, my verbal-slash-emotional blogspatter's become what you see before you: iGoddess, a r[E]volution of spirit, freedom, and love. a place to explore the place within me --and within you-- where the Divine Wow connects with your own Inner Funk.

we come a long way, baby.

2. Why did you choose the name "igoddess"? Is this significant to your lifestyle, your beliefs?

i chose iGoddess because that's exactly what i am. i'm a goddess, a divalicious and funktastic goddess who found herself mainly through the incarnations of her blogging. i'd tried all my life to keep diaries, journals, and private writings of every caliber. but nothing survived until i came online and began to write privately for public viewing. i know, that makes no sense. but i took the saying, "the best place to hide is right out in the open," and made it true. and i found relief and peace by letting the public read my innermost thoughts, my darkest darkness.

the internet made this possible. i was really just searching for human connection, to know i wasn't alone. so i'm an internet goddess, an iGoddess.

it's definitely significant to my beliefs. every day i wake up and know i'm a goddess in my own right, living her life among other gods and goddesses. every member of this iVillage is a goddess and god!

3. You are an incredibly talented writer.

aww, thank you! =)

Have you taken courses, or do the words come naturally to you?

both, though the words came naturally first. when i was barely three, i sat down with books and taught myself how to read. letters just made sense, and after a year fiddling around with my colorful alphabet magnets on the fridge that i received on my 2nd birthday, the letters literally just fell into place and made sense. i was writing in perfect cursive by age four, without any instruction. if i may be granted a moment of utter pride, words were always my genius.

in school, i was pretty much always in the honors and advanced placement english classes, and i took creative writing courses in college. one of my professors even recommended me as a paid tutor at the campus writing lab. i turned it down, and college, in favor of running away from the House of Repression to get married and have babies. heh, oops.

4. You've overcome many obstacles in your life to get where you are today?

yes, i have.

What's the most difficult hurdle you've had to jump over?

me. it sounds strange, but i was my most difficult hurdle. just before richard and i had our falling out, he told me that i could never be honest with anyone until i got honest with myself. however, i was so unaware of what my problem was that it actually caused a mental breakdown as i tried to figure out what i was lying about. because at the time, i was utterly convinced i wasn't lying about anything.

as i like to say, "he who is unaware is unaware he is unaware." well, i was very, very unaware.

i was too close to the problem. that was the night i fell apart in hysterical tears in my parents' living room, the night they first came through for me as loving parents. that was my turning point, my transformation. i walked away from the mystery of what i was hiding from, and was able to get better. only with a bit of distance was i then able to see what i'd been hiding from myself, what i'd been unaware of all that time.

you really can be too close to a problem to see it. and i'll always be my biggest hurdle. that's just how it's supposed to be: we're always most resistant to change, especially when it's change within ourselves. (and i'm talking "real" change here, the kind that leaves you crying in the night; not pansy-ass, tepid gestures that cowardly fucktards make)

5. What are your plans for 2009?

to get down with my Funky self!

Any changes you want to make? Any resolutions? Anything in particular you are dedicated to this year?

this year is my Year of the Funky Wow. all year long i will walk through each day asking myself, "how can i live in the spirit of the Jiggy Funk?" i'll take the signs as they come. if i need to practice more compassion, i know the Universe in all its rocktastic wisdom will send me more opportunities to practice compassion. and when it's time for more pruning, the Vulture Goddess will once more burn my heaven to the ground. and...everything in between.

my only resolution is to be open to what the Funky Wow has to teach me, to be open to the opportunities and lessons 2009 will bring my way, and live as if i know greatness is my inevitable manifestation. building on the integrity and confidence i learned in the Year of the Delena, i'm now building a close relationship with the Divine Woot!.

i've gone back to school, am searching for a better job that's a good deal out of my comfort zone, and got down and dirty serious about crochet. i've joined the league of "Chicks with Sticks," oh yeah. plus, i'm still writing. i fell in love, and for the first time ever in my life know what it is to trust, to truly love, and to have an open dialogue with my intuition. growing upward and outward now, i'm more in touch with my creativity and female powers more than ever.

omg, 30's shaping up to be an awesome year. and i finally think the real world is ready for all of the real me. those who can't handle it, who don't get it, can quite frankly eat @#*! and kiss their mama with that mouth. with me, either hit the ground running or be taken for a drag.

i only run with rockalicious Funkmasters.

-=[@]=-

thank you so much, boho mom! this was so much fun! *blows kisses*

now to the darling fans of iGoddess: it's your turn!

your mission, should you choose to accept it:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

thirty, flirty, and fabulous

there came a day thirty years ago, a beautiful and sunny Sunday when a fantasmic, divalicious soul opened her eyes and said, "today's the day."

she knocked on the door of her new mother's womb. or, more accurately, she threw open the doors with a whoop like a thousand cowgirls riding wild buffalo barebacked and bareskinned across the western plains, feathers and beads streaming in their unbound hair as ululating cries tear from their throats to the skies.

and all around the universe, beings and spirits and goddesses and immortals behind the visible Veil all gasped, turned toward one another, tugged on sleeves, and collectively began to murmur and titter and stir and talk excitedly amongst themselves.


"oh my GODDESS!"

"well, by the Jiggalicious Divine!"

"well Funk me running! by the Jiggy Snake, is that...Delena of the Funky Wild?"

*squeal!* "it is! it IS her!"

"...oh my Jiggy Snake! are the rumors true? is her soul really that bright?"

"you have no idea. her Funk is so bright, your soul could get a tan just by being in the same room with her!"

"that's so Funkaliciously awesome!"

and, as david copperfield says, i was born.

again.

more than ever, i feel like a completely new person: all the usual metaphors apply. the butterfly newly emerged from her cocoon, Year 1 of a New Era, the turn of the millennium, the sound of free-flowing water after the ice breaks of spring, the first rays of warm sun after a storm, a litter of wolf puppies playing on their first day leaving the den, the honking of a dragon hatchling with bits of egg shell still clinging to its nose and wings.

i can feel the strength and accomplishment of all the work and growing and tension of my twenties, all the suffering and depression and blood and darkness of my teenage years serving as fertilizer, and the twisted abuse and suffering of my childhood waiting patiently for me to turn around and study it with the clarity of hindsight...and begin to learn.

honestly, i don't know if i can truly convey the sense of accomplishment and newness i feel. that part of me --the dark, confused Me-- is truly laid to rest. that era is finished, and i learned everything i possibly could, grew as much as was divaliciously possible. i have everything i need for the next strong steps i take into the world, the universe, and from myself.

my inner work isn't finished, not by a long shot. but the time of going inward, of "living in" is finished. the catharsis is only catharsis if there is an end to it and a bringing outward of everything learned while down in the darkness. it's time for me to take my gifts, my wisdom, and my beauty, and manifest it out in the world, to serve my community, to make a truly unique contribution to my culture.

it's time to join the world of adults and accomplishment, creativity and manifestation.

a person in their twenties can still be a kid, kinda. the world is still new and fun, you're still learning the ropes, you still have a tacit license to do "stupid shit" and "get it out of your system." something changes. as shakespear says, "a man loves the meat of his youth he cannot endure in his age." sometimes you just look stupid doing something in your thirties that would be hilarious and forgiveable in your twenties. dunno why, but it's just how life works.

for christmas, i sent my bio-dad a copy of Woman Who Run With the Wolves, with a bookmark in chapter 6: Finding One's Pack, the theme of which was the study of the story of The Ugly Duckling. i meant it as joyful news, as a way to tell him that yes, i didn't belong in our family and i suffered greatly for it. but i've found my own kind, my own pack, and i'm thriving fantastically. not only that, but i had come to understand him a while ago and have moved so far beyond forgiveness --through our growing friendship-- that there's no longer any need for forgiveness.

we talked for about a half hour and...after so, so long...my bio-dad and i have walked through the place of truce, and finally come to a place of peace and mutual understanding. tonight, i finally tasted one of the sweet fruit borne of my years of labor.

i've also decided to go back to school. i'm starting completely over, dropping my previous English/Creative Writing major and going for my Doctorate of Archetypal Psychology. i want to follow in the footsteps of joseph campbell, robert bly, maureen murdock and clarissa pinkola estes. for so long believing i wasn't anything, i actually subconsciously ran away from the prospect of trying to amount to anything. never try, never fail, right?

well, that belief is so far behind me, so alien to Delena of the Funky Wow, that i just can't put up with it. i want to go Out There and achieve, to dedicate myself to something that will help and heal people and give me opportunities to contribute to a community that speaks to a deep part of me. i've been studying this type of thing for half my life. i want to commit my life to it.

...i've faced and begun to overcome my deep-seated fear of commitment. i want to live for something. i want to stand for something. Family will always be my pinnacle priority. Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love will always be my wards as a revolutionary freedom fighter. "may the Funk be with you" will always be my motto. but it's time for me to be just a little bit serious and accomplish work in the world. and i want to breathe new life into the archetypes of our collective mythology, to bring new life and meaning to my trickster "the archetypes are mutating!"

it's time to come up from beneath the ground where i've been doing my soul's work, burying myself up to the elbows in mater terra, Mother Earth, and to grow in Her garden and reach for the light. i'll flower in Funkybeautiful, dazzling colors. just watch me.

reach for the light. may the Funk be with you.
and Happy Birthday, me!

new project

dear wyrd, destroyer vulture goddess, who constantly burns heaven to the ground in a viciously benevolent desire to remind us to use our power lest we be devoured for those who would use it;

oh great trickster goddess who's always mutating my archetypes faster than i can keep track of them;

dearly destructive jiggy snake, you pyrokinetic rockstar with the hottest games since the Big Bang bonged;

i pray...

...for forgiveness that i should forget you in my search for the next biggest challenge;

...for pardon after rejecting the idea to welcome wetter, wilder, and more interesting problems to solve;

...for an amused chuckle at my presumptuousness, that a simple serenade would be all that was required to tame my Inner Flaming Narcissist;

...for understanding, because i am exhausted and bereft after my latest sojourn into ba'hara, lilith's third garden; after my dance of the bones on the hook where ereshkigal hangs the corpses; after the morrigan's ravens ravaged my flesh when her berzerker rage was done with me;

...for mercy, as i am confused and heartsick and unsure and afraid;

...for thanksgiving, as i am grateful my wishes for a new pruning were heard and answered by the following business day;

...for celebration, that the old has been shed and will continually be shed in the name of renewal;

...for gratitude, that i was created in your image as a gorgeous genius;

...for laughter, as i gather my freaking genius powers and fearless imagination every day to gaze into the maw of happiness, rather than be like those media-brainwashed automotons who gather their insipid courage to peer into the horrifying abyss;

...for love, because in all its beauty and gruesomeness, all its treasure and trash, the pearl and the puke...this is a perfect moment, and in gratitude and love i thank you for my life during this irreplaceable, priceless moment which has never been seen before and shall never be seen again.
for all these things, i pray. amen. a-woman. ohhhmmmm....and hallelujah.

-=[~]=-

for the next thirty days, i will not be posting here. well, maybe i'll post pictures, and haiku, maybe little one-line quotes i find here and there (i'm a sucker for quotes). but i won't be writing to express my heart and mind. i'm tired of my thoughts being used as weapons against me, so i'm taking a hiatus.

instead, i'll be posting for all of you, out there in my lovely and nurturing iVillage. i'll be posting comments, leaving prayers and poetry, love and light, well wishes and snippets of lyrics. it'll be my own version of what brandi-licious does with her metta meditations.

i'm going to dance more, love and laugh and pray more. i wish i could say ima have sex more, but oh well. can't win 'em all, i suppose. i'm going to validate myself more, and get back into the habit of my daily dee-lite. i've lost two (maybe three) people i loved, and it's thrown me. might take me a while to learn how to be a boomerang.

so today's the 14th. i'll be back on my birthday.

women who run with the wolves

when i was eighteen, i met a very handsome carib with gorgeous dreadlocks and a flashing smile. he told me, in his deep and lilting voice, i needed to read women who run with the wolves. i was 21 before i took his advice.

i couldn't get beyond page 40. i kept hurling the book across the room, walking away and "forgetting" i was reading it. i eventually loaned it to someone and never asked for it back. it hit too close to home and i wasn't ready for what lay within.

eventually i bought another copy. however, it was years before i could sit down and clear it cover to cover. i could've let it sit on my bookshelf with a bookmark between pages 39 and 40 for all i got it.

in between contemplating the dichotomies what govern our lives, i've been re-reading the book. some things make much more sense after you've already mapped the terrain, don't you think? i found it more encouraging and validating than anything. she talks about the hidden nature of Wild Woman, about healing the deep psychic scars left by a woman's culture, family, and her own mind.

i once told someone that since the last of my mentors had shunned me, it was a signal that it was time to be my own master. and, as my own master, i felt it was time to go down into the darkness and see what i found there. i spoke from a visceral, uterine longing to plunge my arms into moist black soil up to my elbows; a desire to be mute, to tape my eyes shut, to rub ashes in my hair and lie down with their salty, smoky taste on my tongue. i wanted to wander in the black, like diogenes with my own lamp, only instead of an honest man, i wanted to find my inner demons, hold my lamp up close to their faces, and feel the pustules on their skin, smell the necrosis, listen to the scrape of their claws and tentacles against the walls and floor of their dwellings. it was a longing i felt deep in my womb. i knew it was what i had to do.

he told me i'd be following the path of Vader and was making a big mistake. not to mention my gross arrogance in claiming to know what was best for myself. jeez, how could i be so stupid?

the thing is...he would have been absolutely correct...if i'd been a man. but while he might be well-versed in men's mysteries and the hero's journey, he knew nothing of the heroine's journey or the existence of la loba, Wolf Woman. it's not his fault, the poor dear. women's mysteries are the domain of women.

naturally.

and as my journey has shown, i was right on the money. i'm ascending from the underworld and returning with wonders. such wisdom as "love thine enemies" now makes absolute sense and i wonder that i couldn't see it before.

this particular cycle of my journey ends with love. fitting, since it began with love.

like the ugly duckling, i was punished for being what i was --female, and a child-- by my bio-father, and at best ignored, at worst spurned and guilt-tripped and manipulated by my bio-mother. i'm over it. really.

what i sat for a day marvelling at was that all i needed to trigger my healing journey was parental love: the very thing that made such a journey necessary in the first place. however, i wouldn't trade my dysfunctional, abused first two decades for anything. it's because of my travails and ugly duckling life of searching, longing, and despair that i am as strong and resilient as i am. as a former homeless person appreciates every day under a solid roof in a way no one else can, i appreciate the value of my solid intuition, courage, honesty, Funk, and love.

when my adopted parents sat in their living room and gave me a parent's unconditional and unequivocal love, it was as if i were a locked chest and their love the key. they unlocked the chest and flocks and flocks of doves, eagles, and wild swans burst forth to fill the skies.

i'm coming up in rebirth. this new stage in my life is crowning. new year's is thirteen days away -- a lucky number. my third decade on this earth draws to a close (kinda scary...beginning decade no. 4), and no matter how many times i've tried here, i can't seem to capture in words how this particular upcoming mile marker is affecting me. i end up with these rambling, esoteric entries reflecting my train of thought...but that's all it is: my thoughts.

i fail yet again to convey --as i always intend to begin writing-- how this is affecting me emotionally. i... can't... wait... to be thirty. i look forward with so much hope and excitement. i feel ready --finally!-- to start actually living. all the pieces are finally here. my power is in my hands and heart. i know what i want, and i know how to speak. the wonderous gifts i brought back from my time with the Death Goddess are in my sure possession. i have Her blessing.

it's like... i'm ready for life, for adulthood, for whatever may come. i've never been able to say that before.

may the Funk be with you. i love you more than i love you.

3-ring blogging

i had my brain at my parents while there, since i had no access to the internet (not really). but i know i've mentioned that, wherever i go, i always have a brain in my purse should i want to write something down. i wrote this yesterday:

i don't know if this is even interesting or just morbid, or simply an example that yes, i am getting older... but i sat down and thought and dreamt of good and evil, love and hate, life and death a lot these last couple of weeks. with the nights growing colder, and the sun dying beneath the horizon earlier and earlier, it's easy to simply stay inside where it's bright and warm. yet now is when i find myself drawn outside to gaze up at the beauteous glory of the harvest moon and sigh in rapture at the frosty glow she casts at midnight.

i've never seen such a bright, knowing moon...

october sails by, eerily silent as a ghost ship in thick fog, and halloween approaches. with it comes the witches' New Year. less and less do i see the commercial trappings of merchants capitalizing on our sacred holiday, and each year i feel more deeply the undertow of the sacred and mysterious Life, Death, and Rebirth cycle.

i have felt this so keenly as of late, within my own body and spirit as well as all around me. yesterday i began bleeding, right after the height of the full moon was past. this, too, is fitting, i think. it began as i slept --apt, don't you think, metaphorically?-- and while a force inside the deepest part of me died, its death throes triggered the release of a new force just beginning its own journey. life begets death begets life. perfect and beautiful balance.

a few days ago i dreamt of a conversation between Good and Evil. it was quite the discussion, taking place at the beginning of time. all of the other archetypical forces had been spoken for, all the fun ones like war and peace, wine and beer, wisdom, blacksmithing, debauchery. and then, regarding one another with a heavy sense of responsibility, they stood up as one and said, "okay, we'll take Good and Evil," knowing it would pit one against the other until Doomsday.

Good was just as grave a decision as who would take Evil, knowing balance must always be maintained. "well," said Good, "i know you only do your duty, so i will hold nothing against you at the End. but from now until the End of Time, i and my agents will fight you with all at our disposal."

Evil gave a gracious bow. "and so will i you, old friend. i would have it no other way."

thus was born another pair: Friend, and Enemy.

and then Evil regarded Good and said thoughtfully, "i suppose if you will have your agents, i must have mine. where you will have Buddha and Lincoln, Jesus and Ghandi and Lennon, i must have my Hitler and Manson, my Inquisition. i will grant you have Harriet Tubman, the Magdelene, the Make a Wish Foundation. but i will have the Duchess Elizabeth Bathory, Lee Harvey Oswald, Enron, and Starbuck's." Evil waved a hand lazily. "you can save the whales, but i'll destroy the ozone. you get green energy, but i definitely get the alien invasion down the line. after all, there must always be maintained a balance."

"very well," said Good. "but do not forget the little things, as well. you may have your murderers and pedophiles, rapists and abusers of women, children, and animals. you may even have your politicians, oil moguls, and schoolyard bullies. but oh! i shall have policemen, and firemen, and trainers of search-and-rescue dogs. i will have healers for every type of physical and psychological ailment your agents create. i'll have stay-at-home moms and heroic single parents. i'll have good samaritans and Humane Society volunteers. i'll have artists of every breed, and common people spontaneously creating iVillages and eCommunities to band together and bond together in support and Hope."

Evil narrowed eyes in thought, regarding Good for a long while before laughing. "impressive."

Good grinned back. "i know."

they shook hands as friends, parted as enemies, and we have lived under their dichotomy ever since. the great irony is that, in the end, whoever wins is a moot point. it won't matter because the balance will have been maintained. it's not whether Good or Evil triumphs in the world or out in the wide universe. it only matters what wins out in ourselves.

love and hate? while by no means simple, my dance with them was brief and easy once i was honest with myself regarding my true nature. i love my bio-mom, but my silence is my answer: for what she's done, and the truth she revealed, there is no room for her in my life. for *k*, it's no different than the million other women out there giving birth, all of them strangers with no bearing on my life. for my family, mine was the story of the ugly duckling, finding others with my funky-beautiful plumage in the springtime of my life.

i don't know that my bio-family would ever understand. but my soul high-tailed it up to oregon and is happily munching on spiritual milk and cookies in someone else's kitchen.

we go where feeds the soul. we go where the song will sing flesh back onto our bones, where the well of emotion will slake our great thirst for purpose, fulfillment, and belonging. we go where we are loved, and it is in the loving we learn the steps of the deeper dance of Life, Death, and Rebirth. to make love is to dance the dance. to truly live is to dance.

find where you are truly alive, and you will find friendship, kinship, and the lover's intimate knowledge of Life and Death and Rebirth, of Good and Evil, of Love and Hate and Indifference.

only, remember: the greatest of these is Love.

may the Funk be with you.

lately

there's been so much going on lately. so much. eventually i'll get around to writing about it all. i don't want to sound like i'm bitching here, because i'm not. it's just been overwhelming in delena land, is all. and i think sometimes i'm guilty of thinking i'm wonder woman and can do anything without stopping, without building up some sort of endurance.

i do it all...and my body rebels. and i've just been tired. just...tired.

but i think things are finally getting back on track, and while i'm still tired all the time, i don't feel like my brain is fried. i was spending a lot of time on WoW while my fried brain recovered from september and the money sink.

and oh goddess, what a money sink...

the next couple of weeks i'm house and pet-sitting for my parents while they vacation in scotland. they were so excited about it; it was kinda cute to watch. so while they're off gallavanting in the highlands, i'll be watching two dogs and five cats. it'll be peaceful, though.

and aside from a whole lotta chaos, things have been pretty good, too. lots of things to think about, though. apparently yesterday (two days ago?) i became an aunt. my oldest bio-sister finally had that baby her biological clock's been kicking her to have for years. and while i'm getting text messages, pics, and phone calls regarding it...it's the older bio-sister i haven't seen nor spoken to in five years and never really plan to see nor speak to again. yet the members of my bio-family that i do still speak to think i actually care. which i don't. a perfect stranger had a baby two days ago, and suddenly --because her uterus works-- i'm supposed to just say, "hey, all's forgiven, why not come back into my life with all your baggage and self-righteous drama!"

like hell. my life is fantastic, and fantasmically drama-free. i've worked hard to make it so. and in my quest to become my own Funky groovemate, i've found in my own realm of Funktastic bootyliciousness that the standards for my groovemates has risen, as well. only those who pass the test, who love, protect, treasure, and adore me are allowed within the walls of Delena's Land of Funkalicious Wonder and Funktastic Bliss.

BYOF. Bring Your Own Funk. drama not allowed. self-righteousness not allowed. hypocrisy not allowed. dishonesty, disloyalty, and self-centeredness not allowed.

Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love...welcome.

unfortunately, while love conquers all and has compassion as its cornerstone, love is not foolish enough to allow just anyone to trample through its sacred gardens. some things just cannot exist in the presence of love, and if a person has those things toward me...obviously there is no love for me. and so, while i can let go whatever heinousness they committed against me, it doesn't mean i need to allow them anywhere near me again.

i'd been delaying Project: Bio-Mom for this very reason, as well. i've been avoiding having to admit that i'm perfectly happy without her in my life at all, ever. as well as *k*, my oldest bio-sister. i love you, ladies, but your own self-righteousness and hypocrisy give you no room in my bohippian empire of Funk, disco, and rainbow sherbet punch.

my Funk is right here. if you love me, you'll know where to find me.

my pookie-pie of la mancha

this is how cool my sheree is.

after (finally) getting super-mega-awesome sleep after my camping weekend (there will be a post dedicated to the trip, i promise) i started checking all my email and blogs (Google Reader had a whopping 33 posts for me...wow) and myspace. there were three letters waiting for me from my pookielicious, and she totally rocks. i love her words and the way she has with them.

So I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull, fuckin awesome book...

there's a couple lines in it, i included them in a blog. they really kinda spoke to my soul....it's an idea i learned from you but maybe you could stand to hear it back but in different words.....the names have been changed to protect the innocent....

"You need to keep finding yourself, a little more each day, that real, unlimited Delena. She's your instructor. You need to understand her and to practice her." Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly.

see? isn't she just awesome? there's the universe giving me exactly what i need exactly when i need it. i went out this weekend looking for a way to let go, a way out of the unFunk, and i am showered with ways, things to remember, and reminders of just how much i am LURVED!

i wasn't practicing the real Delena Unlimited. i'd lost touch with Delena of the Funkywild in striving to be what someone else expected and was pushing me to be. all i was feeling was my failure. i told him to back off and he was offended, and i was surprisingly angry at that. here i was protecting myself and he was offended? jackass...

my intuition shows me the way to fly, and i'd forgotten it in favor of...i'm not even really sure what. so that some insensitive someone who wasn't paying attention to my polite "thank you but no thank you" could think better of me? wtf? i should know better than that. it was making me sick, afraid, discouraged, and really damn tired. so who cares about what they think? i'll follow the path that's right for me and i'll still get to where i want to go as fast as i want to get there, but i won't have lost any pieces of myself along the way...pieces that aren't a result of natural selection in the growth process.

on the flip side, here are my friends and siblings showing support for the Funkywild. just in case we forget, don quixote sings the Funk's theme song. well...one song of many...





the Funk's not back quite yet, but the unFunk is most definitely gone. right now's more the quiet aftermath and recovery after the storm of the unFunk. i do feel stronger and different; not quite sure what's different, but it's definitely different...

the unFunk revisited

How do we defunk the unfunk? ...Also where does this unfunk come from? Is it the moon?

ah yes, the unFunk.

i think a better question would be "how do we de-un the unFunk?" or for those who think "de-un" just sounds weird, "how do we Funkify the unFunk?"

although, looking at it, perhaps "Funkify the unFunk" is better, because if we de-un the unFunk, we're taking away a part of it...unless you think of it as taking away a negative, which everyone knows two negatives equals a positive.

sometimes.

wow, my mind's just totally filled with wanderlust today...

lemme try this again.

"Funkification of the unFunk", by iGoddess

i don't think the unFunk is caused by any one thing.

i think it's a multiple set of influences, each of which is connected in some way to every other contributor.

we lead busy lives, and a lot of time we allow ourselves to get swamped by the negativity because, sludgelike as it is, it takes a lot of strength to keep it from sticking everywhere. and it's a busy time of year, and it only seems to get busier. the busier we get, the less time or energy we have for things like cooking solid, wholesome meals that would keep up our strength. we have less time for sitting around a table as a family, keeping up our emotional strength through solidarity and communion. and the desire not to interrupt our friends' lives, even when a bit of friendship or support might do us some good, we think, "no, so-and-so's busy, i don't want to bother them," so we grow more and more disconnected when, who knows? they might be feeling just as overwhelmed and disconnected as we are.

and everyone's heard of the saying, "birds of a feather flock together." crap like the unFunk is contagious.

actually, emotions themselves are contagious.

you are who you hang out with. take a look at your three closest friends, or your five closest. look at their level of income, their family life, their values, their financial abilities (or lack thereof), what kind of house/apartment they live in, what kind of car they drive (or transit system they take). you are who you hang out with. odds are, you are at their level, too. mentalities support one another, or they go their separate ways. it's just the way things work.

so look at the people around you. are they happy and well-adjusted? or are they busy, tired, and overwhelmed, too? you pick it up. that's why the other saying is so popular: "misery loves company." it might feel like solidarity to sit down together and commiserate about how tough things are, and dream together, but you're only bringing yourselves down.

i try --not always successfully-- to at least look at things with a bit of analysis, or find the good, or find the hope, whenever i'm unFunky here. at least lately. it helps, i think. instead of just bitching and moaning, i'm saying, "wow, things really suck right now, and rar, rar, rar. but at least i know there's a source, and once i find it, i'll be back to shining, stunning revolutionary freedom fighter iGoddess planting joy mines in your psyche.

right now? blah. but just like yet another saying, "this, too, shall pass."

Life, the Universe, and Everything

in a very beautiful and moving commencement speech at stanford university on 06.12.05, Apple Computer and Pixar Studios CEO steve jobs had this to say:

Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

just yesterday i was talking about listening to my subconscious. i spoke of feeling intuitively for signs that i was on the right path and had heeded my subconscious correctly. for this, as i told a new friend only today, you must be quiet, still, and receptive. mastering these abilities is tapping into the Feminine, but that's another post for another day

"to thine own self, be true," he could have said. but sometimes those simple-yet-profound words are so abused and misused. they're used to justify laziness, fear, and mediocrity. "but i'm being true to myself, and this is what i want!" people like that say. i say watch out, because the Great Bard himself is gonna rise from his grave and kick the ass of anyone who dares to bastardize his poetry.

i like this elaboration. don't live your life for someone else. don't give yourself to someone else's dogma. don't let their naysaying and negativity override your own intuition which reminds you that you are a Shining Being.

"The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself."
--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 71

again, to thine own self, be true. and not the cop-out type of "being true," either. be true! "be true" as in listen to your intuition, as in trust the guidance and wisdom of your own subconscious, which sees, hears, and processes infinitely more than you do. it remembers every moment of your life from the moment you were born. it does. it gives you those funny feelings when something's "off" and you just can't put your finger on it." it warns you of dangers you might not see yourself. it whispers wisdom into the back of your mind, but it's very quiet. it knows that "he will strain to hear a whisper who refuses to hear a shout." so it whispers. it trusts you and believes in you, so it never feels it has to vie for your attention.

in truth, it shouldn't.

but the mind chatter is so loud, the racous and chaotic rabble of the unfaithful, unbelieving, fearful masters of mediocrity. those who would pull you down to their level so they feel justified in their own misery. they don't want anyone around them to succeed, because they're afraid of facing their own un-success, their own shortcomings and laziness. so they'd rather not feel left behind.

and they drag you down with them.

don't listen to them. trust your own intuition.

are you truly happy at "their" level? are you truly, honestly and ecstatically happy wallowing in mediocrity? "resistance is futile?"

BULLSHIT!

big, fat, heaping gobs of steaming bovine bollwocky.

the stink doth offend the wacky nose of yon Jiggy Snake.

all we were ever put in this Great and WonderFunky Universe to do was to be our greatest selves. to honor the stars from whence we came. we are shining beings, made of the same Divine Wow that the Divine Wow is made of. we are god stepping into our shoes to take a little test drive.

how dare anyone believe that mediocrity, fear, giving in is doing justice to God inside them?

of course, the Table of Bounty was not set for everyone. it takes a caliber of character to rise above fear and mediocrity, to rise above living for someone else's destructive dogma and dance to their inner Funk.

the Funky Jive loves us all deeply. it thrives on bombastic and orgasmic enthusiasm for each and every one of us. it offers to us every great and good thing within its existence, and even invites us to try those things that are outside of "normal" existence. it conspires to shower us with blessings each and every day.

not only is giving up ("resistance is futile") foolish and selfish, it's just damned ungrateful to the Universe for everything you've been given, have, and will be given, world without end. and all we need to do, all that is required of us to honor the god(dess/es) within ourselves is to make the most of ourselves. to find our own Funk. to embrace Life. and you canNOT tell me settling for anything less is making you ecstatically happy.

i call steaming bovine bollwocky on you.

then again, if you really don't want to, then hey, maybe mediocrity really is for you. maybe you are mediocrity (which we both know is totally lame and not true). but hey, if you really want to give up that badly and argue for your own "limitations," then i hope you're happy with what you're doing, because you're going to be doing it and living it for the rest of your life.

isn't it just easier to find your Funk?