CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19): It makes me famished just to think of you there stewing in your hunger. You almost remind me of a bear that's just awoken from hibernation or a political prisoner who's been on a hunger strike. And yet I know it's not a craving for food that you're suffering from. It's not even an impossible yearning for sex or fame or power or money, either. You're starving, you're ravenous, you're mad for something you don't have a name for -- something whose existence you don't fully understand and can't quite imagine. But I predict you'll uncover a fuller truth about this thing very soon, and then you'll be more than halfway toward gratifying your hunger.
i must admit, mr. brezsny, you actually kinda creeped me out with how accurate you are this week. I suppose it's because i've gradually been growing more restless over the last several weeks. there's been something gnawing at the back of my mind and it keeps me up at night. i pace in my bedroom, i'm distracted at work, i can't focus. i brood. i look out the window sometimes and picture myself crashing through the glass and flying away.
...or flying toward something. i can never be sure.
but then you said "stewing in your hunger" and it hit me just how right you are about that. the stewing part, and the hunger part. i'm pacing because i'm hungry. i'm restless because i'm hungry. i can't focus because i'm obsessing on this nameless thing that i'm hungry for.
part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship. part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship and something else. but both parts of me are in agreement that i'm ready for the real thing. a while ago i came to the realization that i am not happy alone; that i am just plain built to be part of something special with another person. however, i wasn't exactly ready back then for anything special with anyone. but at least i wasn't denying my nature any longer, saying that i was fine by myself and all that other post womens' lib crap.
but once i made the decision that a relationship was what i wanted, the hunger and restlessness began to grow. when i make the decision to do something, i don't waste time. i get up that moment and begin doing things to bring my end goal into fruition. i don't stop until i get what i want. it's just how i am.
however, i want the right relationship, and that's just not something you can rush. it's also not a goal you can work on that has any sort of measurable progress. you're alone, alone, alone...suddenly you're with someone. and i don't want just anyone, either, but the right one. i'm talking about the one, my one. my funkalicious groovemate.
if he's out there.
but i made the decision it's what i wanted, and aside from continuing to groom and mold myself into my own perfect, funkalicious groovemate, there's really nothing i can do. i'm not out to meet people, or get back into the dating scene, or play the field. i'm not out to waste my time or tire myself out "making the rounds." i'm just not.
but going about my life, trusting that it'll "just happen" is rather discouraging. my life consists of work, work, work, coming home and playing catch-up on chores that never get completely caught up. in the fall there will be school, and homework (which i'm dreading, but for entirely different reasons), and i've decided to pick up Freedom Revolution again, because i deserve it.
i don't have time to "play the field," and some would say that i don't have any time for any sort of relationship at all. but i say that i would have all the time in the world for the right person. however, i can't do anything to make that person show up. i can only continue as i have been.
and that sucks. hard. it's frustrating, and disheartening, and in the meantime i'm so lonely that it actually hurts right in my solar plexus. pathetic as it sounds. "lonely" is such an ugly, pathetic word. i'm surrounded by pairs of happy, comfortable partners and am so lonely i'll take affection from any direction it's offered right now. and i'm sorry if that doesn't sound quite as funktastic as Delena of the Funkywild is. but no matter how intelligent, or smart, or cute, or strong i am, i need to be touched and hugged and kissed and held while i sleep and told i'm pretty, and an entire host of other things that are so pathetic for a Wild Amazon to be admitting.
but fuck that, and fuck womens' lib, and fuck how it makes me look, and fuck what i think about what's pathetic, and fuck what anyone else thinks about what i need. i know what i need, and i know i want, and i know what i've had to live without.
there's also the conundrum of my love and loyalty for my parents...and my own happiness. if there were someone out there who was perfect for me, but who did not exactly meet my parents' standards, which would be more important? my loyalty to them, respect and obedience? or knowing i was passing up my chance to live a happy life with that perfect someone long after my parents are gone? the thought of either one twists a knife in my heart. there's injustice with either choice. but the thought of being kept from happiness brings a special pain. i've been abused so much, and had so much taken away from me from a very young age. the wish to be happy seems such a small thing to want.
i don't want to go another thirty years still pining for happiness, walking around incomplete.
Showing posts with label brezsny on the blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brezsny on the blog. Show all posts
7.20.2009
7.07.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
i was lying upon my naked back and staring up at a sky as vivid as a bluejay's wing. clouds decorated the blue expanse; big, fluffy bundles like the goddess had come with a huge frosting applicator and squeezed out perfect little puffs of white frosting.
was the weather always paradise perfect, here in the Valley? it couldn't be Paradise; i wasn't dead. perhaps it was enough to simply be, to feel paradise around me. perhaps it was Her telling me that anywhere is paradise, depending on my own state of mind.
it was difficult to feel, though. the pomegranate priestess' words had pierced straight through me. i reached up and rubbed the place between my breasts, where the other priestess had invoked the blue-skinned, flame-haired vulture goddess aspect within and lain my breast in twain with her sickle.
there should have been a scar there. the wound had rent the bone, leaving my beating heart open to the sky as my life's blood poured into the River Funk. but my skin was smooth and perfect. i had long ago discovered if i brooded too deeply upon the remembered pain --vivid and sensitive as my memory was-- the wound would reopen of its own accord as if freshly cut. if i focused on the lessons learned, the wound closed. if i brooded, i bled.
lesson learned. self-pity and holding onto past trauma injured my body, mind, and soul as if freshly inflicted..and i was the one applying the pain. musings upon the lesson, and the strength i gained while floating half-dead along the River, strengthened me. nourished me.
the skin between my breasts itched. i was brooding, and i knew it. so many questions, and no experience in my entire life was sufficient to lead me to an answer. how to choose among the sisters? how to know to which sect of them i belonged? i felt a kinship with them all.
the vial was its own weight, and dilemma. whom to bless with its contents? who was deserving, or in most need of a baptism in blood? the mystery of turning water into blood was mine, but how? what to do, how to use it? such responsibility weighed heavily upon me, and i could feel it in the weight of the vial itself. it grew heavier by the moment.
to leave Valley-in-the-Glade? its beautiful colors and gently rolling hills were no longer a safe haven for me; i felt it in my blood. the presence of the blood priestess had changed all that. i was free to remain there as long as i wished, but i knew it was time to leave. however, leaving terrified me. i didn't know how to leave, or even if i truly wanted to. i was comfortable there, and all my needs were attended--
...no, that wasn't true. not entirely. something within me ached, but i couldn't name what it was. the longer i remained in the Valley, the more of its bounty i ate and by every pampered night, it would feel emptier and emptier to me. soon i would be starving. but for what?
i closed my eyes and gave up trying. all i was doing was going 'round in circles trying to figure out something that couldn't be solved.
"the last mystery of the Valley," said a voice.
i sat up, startled, and looked around. up above me sat the most beautiful man i had ever seen. for once and all i knew the Valley was not only alive, but aware. how else, then, could it know to show me my ideal man, perfect in every detail to my own tastes from his long hair and stubble around his mouth, to his broad shoulders, barrel chest, kind eyes and broad proportions?
i was breathless. he was naked, as was i, and i was blushing!
cheeks burning, i curled my legs beneath me to hide my sex, and shook my dreadlocks to cover my bare torso.
he laughed. "too late. i already got a good eyeful." at my pained expression, he laughed harder. "but i shall pretend i saw nothing and that my mind is as pure as the water of the pool in which you bathed earlier."
my jaw dropped.
"you're very pretty," he said.
i buried my face in my hands and squealed with shame and embarrassment. suddenly i felt hands around my shoulders, large and warm and gentle.
"come now," he said. "is it so terrible to know you had an admirer watching from the trees? like actaeon as he spied artemis at her bath."
"and was torn apart by her hounds," i finished, face still buried in my hands.
he chuckled, and gently pulled my hands away from my face. "true, but you have a much more generous heart than she perhaps had, and would have mercy on one such as me. i was simply unable to keep silent any longer. and you looked in need of a friend."
i shook my head. "it's nothing," i said. "it's stupid. but it's nothing." i was already burying it deep down, hiding it from him as i had always hidden everything from everyone.
"dear priestess," he said gently. "now don't do that. don't bury it. i don't care what you feel, as long as you don't feel nothing. get inflamed with hunger or justice or sadness or beauty or love," he laughed, "or embarrassment at being caught naked when you thought you were alone. but don't submit to apathy."
...apathy? was that what i had been doing? no, surely not! all i was doing was putting it away, where it wouldn't get in the way of what needed to be done. emotions always got in the way, were painful distractions and conspired against me to leave me tender after yet another betrayal, yet another abusive relationship as the illusion of love disintegrated and i saw it for what it had always been. by shoving them down into the deepest, darkest little corner of my mind, i had made sure my emotions did not rule me.
pragmatism and a refusal to romanticize things had been what kept me from hurting. from wondering why i was so unlovable that everyone i had ever loved had thrown me away. that was what i had been doing...right?
he smoothed the back of his hand down my cheek. "don't let yourself be shunted into numbness. you can't afford to be cut off from the source of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while." he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear. i closed my eyes and inhaled his nearness. "and the odd thing is that if you're willing to go through hell, you won't have to go through hell. so to hell with your poker face and neutrality and dispassionate stance."
eyes still closed, i gave a small, wry smile. "be a wild thing, not a mild thing, huh?"
he kissed my forehead. "precisely."
was the weather always paradise perfect, here in the Valley? it couldn't be Paradise; i wasn't dead. perhaps it was enough to simply be, to feel paradise around me. perhaps it was Her telling me that anywhere is paradise, depending on my own state of mind.
it was difficult to feel, though. the pomegranate priestess' words had pierced straight through me. i reached up and rubbed the place between my breasts, where the other priestess had invoked the blue-skinned, flame-haired vulture goddess aspect within and lain my breast in twain with her sickle.
there should have been a scar there. the wound had rent the bone, leaving my beating heart open to the sky as my life's blood poured into the River Funk. but my skin was smooth and perfect. i had long ago discovered if i brooded too deeply upon the remembered pain --vivid and sensitive as my memory was-- the wound would reopen of its own accord as if freshly cut. if i focused on the lessons learned, the wound closed. if i brooded, i bled.
lesson learned. self-pity and holding onto past trauma injured my body, mind, and soul as if freshly inflicted..and i was the one applying the pain. musings upon the lesson, and the strength i gained while floating half-dead along the River, strengthened me. nourished me.
the skin between my breasts itched. i was brooding, and i knew it. so many questions, and no experience in my entire life was sufficient to lead me to an answer. how to choose among the sisters? how to know to which sect of them i belonged? i felt a kinship with them all.
the vial was its own weight, and dilemma. whom to bless with its contents? who was deserving, or in most need of a baptism in blood? the mystery of turning water into blood was mine, but how? what to do, how to use it? such responsibility weighed heavily upon me, and i could feel it in the weight of the vial itself. it grew heavier by the moment.
to leave Valley-in-the-Glade? its beautiful colors and gently rolling hills were no longer a safe haven for me; i felt it in my blood. the presence of the blood priestess had changed all that. i was free to remain there as long as i wished, but i knew it was time to leave. however, leaving terrified me. i didn't know how to leave, or even if i truly wanted to. i was comfortable there, and all my needs were attended--
...no, that wasn't true. not entirely. something within me ached, but i couldn't name what it was. the longer i remained in the Valley, the more of its bounty i ate and by every pampered night, it would feel emptier and emptier to me. soon i would be starving. but for what?
i closed my eyes and gave up trying. all i was doing was going 'round in circles trying to figure out something that couldn't be solved.
"the last mystery of the Valley," said a voice.
i sat up, startled, and looked around. up above me sat the most beautiful man i had ever seen. for once and all i knew the Valley was not only alive, but aware. how else, then, could it know to show me my ideal man, perfect in every detail to my own tastes from his long hair and stubble around his mouth, to his broad shoulders, barrel chest, kind eyes and broad proportions?
i was breathless. he was naked, as was i, and i was blushing!
cheeks burning, i curled my legs beneath me to hide my sex, and shook my dreadlocks to cover my bare torso.
he laughed. "too late. i already got a good eyeful." at my pained expression, he laughed harder. "but i shall pretend i saw nothing and that my mind is as pure as the water of the pool in which you bathed earlier."
my jaw dropped.
"you're very pretty," he said.
i buried my face in my hands and squealed with shame and embarrassment. suddenly i felt hands around my shoulders, large and warm and gentle.
"come now," he said. "is it so terrible to know you had an admirer watching from the trees? like actaeon as he spied artemis at her bath."
"and was torn apart by her hounds," i finished, face still buried in my hands.
he chuckled, and gently pulled my hands away from my face. "true, but you have a much more generous heart than she perhaps had, and would have mercy on one such as me. i was simply unable to keep silent any longer. and you looked in need of a friend."
i shook my head. "it's nothing," i said. "it's stupid. but it's nothing." i was already burying it deep down, hiding it from him as i had always hidden everything from everyone.
"dear priestess," he said gently. "now don't do that. don't bury it. i don't care what you feel, as long as you don't feel nothing. get inflamed with hunger or justice or sadness or beauty or love," he laughed, "or embarrassment at being caught naked when you thought you were alone. but don't submit to apathy."
...apathy? was that what i had been doing? no, surely not! all i was doing was putting it away, where it wouldn't get in the way of what needed to be done. emotions always got in the way, were painful distractions and conspired against me to leave me tender after yet another betrayal, yet another abusive relationship as the illusion of love disintegrated and i saw it for what it had always been. by shoving them down into the deepest, darkest little corner of my mind, i had made sure my emotions did not rule me.
pragmatism and a refusal to romanticize things had been what kept me from hurting. from wondering why i was so unlovable that everyone i had ever loved had thrown me away. that was what i had been doing...right?
he smoothed the back of his hand down my cheek. "don't let yourself be shunted into numbness. you can't afford to be cut off from the source of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while." he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear. i closed my eyes and inhaled his nearness. "and the odd thing is that if you're willing to go through hell, you won't have to go through hell. so to hell with your poker face and neutrality and dispassionate stance."
eyes still closed, i gave a small, wry smile. "be a wild thing, not a mild thing, huh?"
he kissed my forehead. "precisely."
4.21.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From an astrological point of view, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to start a band and record an album. Your creativity is waxing, your attunement with the right side of your brain is especially sweet, and you will benefit immensely from anything you do to become less of a spectator and more of a participant. To jumpstart the process, go to Wikipedia and click on "random article." That's the name of your band. Then go to en.wikiquote.org and click on "random page." The last few words of the last quote on that page will be your album's title. Finally, go to tinyurl.com/9ydjk and choose a photo to be your CD cover. Or, if you don't like what's there, click on the link for "Get more interesting photos for the last 7 days." (My band is Widemouth Blindcat, our album is "More Time for Dreaming," and our cover art is a spiral staircase from here: tinyurl.com/c89rt7.)
hmm.
band name: atlante veneto
album title: "a noun with a job"
cd cover art:
3.04.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Throx.com sells you socks in threes, so if you lose one you have an extra to take its place. Their ingenious marketing plan resembles the approach of some romance-addicts I know, who always date two or three people just in case they get dumped by one of them. No bouts of loneliness to worry about! Which brings us to my main advice for you this week, Capricorn: Have a back-up plan. Keep an alternative handy. Make sure you won't run out of the stuff you really need.
i woke up today and felt a little better. didn't want to be awake (the rapidly changing weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies) but i had gotten enough sleep. the food angst from yesterday was gone, and what a relief! lemme tell you, inside my own head i was pacing like a caged and very tense lion desperately wanting a chipotle burrito.
i resisted, for which i'm very relieved because i don't know how i would have handled being disappointed in myself today. plus, it helped that i think i had a touch of that flu that's been going around. anything i ate felt like a churning rock in my stomach.
ewww...
but there were backups at home that saved me, like mr. brezsny says. i ate a good, old-fashioned sandwich with lots of hot mustard, pickles, horseradish, and spinach. very fun. i boiled red onions and red potatoes, mashed them up, piled on the garlic, a little butter, soymilk, and fresh ground pepper, and had the most wonderful whipped potatoes on the side.
today i'm going to the store and i don't care if it's only the beginning of march. i'm buying avocadoes, romaine lettuce, cilantro, and anything else i need, and i'm gonna make me a healthier version of the chipotle burrito. i'm also bringing home more coconut oil because you just can't beat its benefits.
this goal is forcing me to think really creatively. i used to be so good about food and my eating habits. living with *ds* and *ks* polluted much more than just my fucktard intolerance. with all their complaining about my vegetarianism, about how it was so hard to go out with me to eat, how it was so hard to compromise grocery shopping for foods that all three of us could eat, how it was so hard living with a vegetarian (jeezus, they bitched more and more the healthier their company...should have listened to my instinct about them long ago), i began to ease up on my strict requirements...and became almost as disgustingly fat as they are. it's shameful.
so i'm having to break a lot of bad habits i adopted to make living with them easier on me. it's also liberating, though. it's like, "ahh! now i can go back to my regularly scheduled program."
it is definitely more difficult, turning on a dime in order to fulfill my goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness, but having back-ups and alternatives handy really make the difference between keeping my commitment and being weak and letting myself be a victim to bad habits and addictions.
because i know both are a choice, and i have to choose to be a disappointment to myself should i fall off the wagon. and why would i want to choose that? especially in the face of all the health and self-esteem benefits, not to mention being visually pleasing...
i woke up today and felt a little better. didn't want to be awake (the rapidly changing weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies) but i had gotten enough sleep. the food angst from yesterday was gone, and what a relief! lemme tell you, inside my own head i was pacing like a caged and very tense lion desperately wanting a chipotle burrito.
i resisted, for which i'm very relieved because i don't know how i would have handled being disappointed in myself today. plus, it helped that i think i had a touch of that flu that's been going around. anything i ate felt like a churning rock in my stomach.
ewww...
but there were backups at home that saved me, like mr. brezsny says. i ate a good, old-fashioned sandwich with lots of hot mustard, pickles, horseradish, and spinach. very fun. i boiled red onions and red potatoes, mashed them up, piled on the garlic, a little butter, soymilk, and fresh ground pepper, and had the most wonderful whipped potatoes on the side.
today i'm going to the store and i don't care if it's only the beginning of march. i'm buying avocadoes, romaine lettuce, cilantro, and anything else i need, and i'm gonna make me a healthier version of the chipotle burrito. i'm also bringing home more coconut oil because you just can't beat its benefits.
this goal is forcing me to think really creatively. i used to be so good about food and my eating habits. living with *ds* and *ks* polluted much more than just my fucktard intolerance. with all their complaining about my vegetarianism, about how it was so hard to go out with me to eat, how it was so hard to compromise grocery shopping for foods that all three of us could eat, how it was so hard living with a vegetarian (jeezus, they bitched more and more the healthier their company...should have listened to my instinct about them long ago), i began to ease up on my strict requirements...and became almost as disgustingly fat as they are. it's shameful.
so i'm having to break a lot of bad habits i adopted to make living with them easier on me. it's also liberating, though. it's like, "ahh! now i can go back to my regularly scheduled program."
it is definitely more difficult, turning on a dime in order to fulfill my goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness, but having back-ups and alternatives handy really make the difference between keeping my commitment and being weak and letting myself be a victim to bad habits and addictions.
because i know both are a choice, and i have to choose to be a disappointment to myself should i fall off the wagon. and why would i want to choose that? especially in the face of all the health and self-esteem benefits, not to mention being visually pleasing...
2.24.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog, The Delenaissance
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In his book *The Invention of Air,* Steven Johnson says that as coffee drinking came into vogue in the 18th century, it became a driving force in the Age of Enlightenment. Prior to that time, alcohol had been the drink of choice -- more so even than water. As the stimulant replaced the intoxicant, the level of discourse rose dramatically. Creative ideas flourished and new discoveries and inventions proliferated. I bring this up, Capricorn, because I suspect that you're entering your own personal Age of Enlightenment. Imbibing caffeine may not be necessary to fuel it, since cosmic energies will be conspiring to inspire your mental processes.
it would make sense, considering alcohol's a depressant and caffeine's a stimulant, that if coffee came into vogue it would influence an upsurge of creativity. i mean, just think what a zip in your step coffee gives you!
to be honest, i do feel like i've been entering a Delenaissance, my very own Age of Aquarius. and i think my birthday was just the official starting of it, because i've felt this way for a while. it's hard to describe, but just the way the world appears to me is different. people can tell about their problems, and the way i hear the story is different. as is what i think to myself.
there's a lot less, "oh, poor you," and a lot more, "why don't you shut up and solve the problem instead of wasting your energy complaining to me about it?" i'm a lot more judicious as to who i believe deserves my sympathy and help. the gods help those who help themselves. i know this to be true.
in the things i've learned over the years, and especially more recently, the things i hear just make more sense. i've been utterly drowning myself in tony robbins, bob proctor, mike dillard, bill harris, and others...and what they say makes sense. for christmas, i was given the book "happy for no reason" by marci shimoff, and i could have sworn the woman spied on me for the last two years and wrote down everything i did during my evolution into this fantabulous FunkMaster that i am now.
it's really spectacular to look at some of the manuals out there and recognize the mile markers i've already hit.
and i was offered a job from the lovely people at StuckinaRut.com over coffee with the owner and his son a few weeks ago. they recognized that i understood things about personal development the regular person doesn't. they loved my spirit and funky personality. hell, they even loved my email signature: May the Funk be with you! http://lillithdee.blogspot.com. talk about amazing, i thought. here are thunder walkers in the personal development industry, and they've recognized me as one of them.
i'm on the right path, doing the right things, learning and growing. and thunder walkers i look up to and respect turned to me and said, "join us. you have what it takes, and we recognize you."
i can't describe the feeling. i will take them up on their offer, and continue to grow in a completely different league now.
also, more fantastic news, another job i've been interviewing for was offered to me today. i'll be an inspector for Orkin Pest Control. for where i'm headed, i feel the position will teach me a lot about business and sales. it's another step on my path to wealth and financial freedom.
for in this Delenaissance, i understand that all things are possible. as a woman thinketh, so is she. seek, and i shall find. knock, and the door shall be opened unto me. for all these things are possible in the universe, and when i can Be the person i want to be, and Do the things this wealthy and knowledgeable person does, then i will Have the life i want.
may the Funk be with you.
it would make sense, considering alcohol's a depressant and caffeine's a stimulant, that if coffee came into vogue it would influence an upsurge of creativity. i mean, just think what a zip in your step coffee gives you!
to be honest, i do feel like i've been entering a Delenaissance, my very own Age of Aquarius. and i think my birthday was just the official starting of it, because i've felt this way for a while. it's hard to describe, but just the way the world appears to me is different. people can tell about their problems, and the way i hear the story is different. as is what i think to myself.
there's a lot less, "oh, poor you," and a lot more, "why don't you shut up and solve the problem instead of wasting your energy complaining to me about it?" i'm a lot more judicious as to who i believe deserves my sympathy and help. the gods help those who help themselves. i know this to be true.
in the things i've learned over the years, and especially more recently, the things i hear just make more sense. i've been utterly drowning myself in tony robbins, bob proctor, mike dillard, bill harris, and others...and what they say makes sense. for christmas, i was given the book "happy for no reason" by marci shimoff, and i could have sworn the woman spied on me for the last two years and wrote down everything i did during my evolution into this fantabulous FunkMaster that i am now.
it's really spectacular to look at some of the manuals out there and recognize the mile markers i've already hit.
and i was offered a job from the lovely people at StuckinaRut.com over coffee with the owner and his son a few weeks ago. they recognized that i understood things about personal development the regular person doesn't. they loved my spirit and funky personality. hell, they even loved my email signature: May the Funk be with you! http://lillithdee.blogspot.com. talk about amazing, i thought. here are thunder walkers in the personal development industry, and they've recognized me as one of them.
i'm on the right path, doing the right things, learning and growing. and thunder walkers i look up to and respect turned to me and said, "join us. you have what it takes, and we recognize you."
i can't describe the feeling. i will take them up on their offer, and continue to grow in a completely different league now.
also, more fantastic news, another job i've been interviewing for was offered to me today. i'll be an inspector for Orkin Pest Control. for where i'm headed, i feel the position will teach me a lot about business and sales. it's another step on my path to wealth and financial freedom.
for in this Delenaissance, i understand that all things are possible. as a woman thinketh, so is she. seek, and i shall find. knock, and the door shall be opened unto me. for all these things are possible in the universe, and when i can Be the person i want to be, and Do the things this wealthy and knowledgeable person does, then i will Have the life i want.
may the Funk be with you.
2.18.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Even when you are not feeling your best, you try hard. You're strong when things are broken. Where there is hurt, you rise up with surprising resilience to provide help and inspiration. If there are people who don't know where they are or where they're going, you are often a beacon of calm. Thank you, my beautiful friend. I applaud your urge to fight for justice not only in service to yourself but also on behalf of others who can't be as composed as you are when things are broken. And I'm happy to inform you that the favors you're doling out now will ultimately be returned in kind when you least expect it.
this warms my heart. no, it really does.
lately i've gotten a lot of signs telling me that i'm on the right track, and a lot of green lights one right after another. so not only am i on the right track, but the universe is making my trip easier and smoother and more streamlined with each passing day.
and then i receive this in my email box.
i've often been told that i'm a beacon of calm when others are losing their heads over things. part of me likes to attribute it to the capricorn in me, but i honestly think it's just the way my brain works. other people are freaking out because the sky is falling, and i'm there going, "okay, get an umbrella. duh."
more and more, i find that when i'm "freaking out" as people say, or getting worried, i'm simply expressing my overwhelm while my brain is working out how to solve it. sometimes situations overwhelm me to the point where all i can feel is the seeming immensity of it.
but that's all it is: seemingly immense. not that it's actually immense.
my mind is just trying to work out a larger-than-usual bite it just took.
i'm strong when things are broken. where there is hurt, i am resilient and inspiring. where there is insecurity, i am bolstering. where there is cynicism, i am shiny and hopeful. mr. brezsny's words remind me of the Prayer of St. Francis, which was my favorite prayer as a child. it was one of my favorite songs to sing at mass, and st. francis was my special saint. i felt a connection to him and his desire to go out and simply help people and connect with them, to extend his empathy and be the moment of support they needed really struck something in me, even as a child.
i love helping people. i just. love. helping people.
and i know mr. brezsny says the favors and kindnesses i'm giving out now will be returned in kind. the universe is forever conspiring to shower me with blessings. however, i just want to put it out there that the joy of truly helping someone, of giving in that special way that i have is the first blessing. that i receive anything for it just means i am doubly blessed. talk about a return on investment. =)
and so i leave you with this meditation. enjoy.
this warms my heart. no, it really does.
lately i've gotten a lot of signs telling me that i'm on the right track, and a lot of green lights one right after another. so not only am i on the right track, but the universe is making my trip easier and smoother and more streamlined with each passing day.
and then i receive this in my email box.
i've often been told that i'm a beacon of calm when others are losing their heads over things. part of me likes to attribute it to the capricorn in me, but i honestly think it's just the way my brain works. other people are freaking out because the sky is falling, and i'm there going, "okay, get an umbrella. duh."
more and more, i find that when i'm "freaking out" as people say, or getting worried, i'm simply expressing my overwhelm while my brain is working out how to solve it. sometimes situations overwhelm me to the point where all i can feel is the seeming immensity of it.
but that's all it is: seemingly immense. not that it's actually immense.
my mind is just trying to work out a larger-than-usual bite it just took.
i'm strong when things are broken. where there is hurt, i am resilient and inspiring. where there is insecurity, i am bolstering. where there is cynicism, i am shiny and hopeful. mr. brezsny's words remind me of the Prayer of St. Francis, which was my favorite prayer as a child. it was one of my favorite songs to sing at mass, and st. francis was my special saint. i felt a connection to him and his desire to go out and simply help people and connect with them, to extend his empathy and be the moment of support they needed really struck something in me, even as a child.
i love helping people. i just. love. helping people.
and i know mr. brezsny says the favors and kindnesses i'm giving out now will be returned in kind. the universe is forever conspiring to shower me with blessings. however, i just want to put it out there that the joy of truly helping someone, of giving in that special way that i have is the first blessing. that i receive anything for it just means i am doubly blessed. talk about a return on investment. =)
and so i leave you with this meditation. enjoy.
2.08.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may find it hard to believe that imprecise language could undermine your ability to merge with your heart's desire. But it's true. Your biggest wish may never be fully granted as long as you're lazy or sloppy about how you articulate it. Try this:
Write down a brief statement that crisply sums up the one experience you want more than anything else in life. Preface it with this assertion: "I am doing everything possible to accomplish the following goal." Memorize this magic formula and repeat it twice a day until your wish is fulfilled, even if that takes ten years. P.S. It will work best if you don't include anything about how certain people need to change in order for your longing to be fulfilled.
these things tend to get easier, i think, once i stop fighting myself. in fact, reading this week's horoscope from my dear mr. brezsny helped me to realize just how blessed i really am. the universe really is conspiring as hard as it can to shower me with blessings.
i actually sat here and spent days considering what it is i really wanted. but there's just so much i want, so much that inspires me, so many dreams i have!
there was a day once upon a time when you could ask me, "how are you today?" and i would panic because i didn't have an answer for you. i honestly didn't know. and if i couldn't even tell you how i was that day, how could i tell you what i wanted? surely i'd have answered, "i don't know. i don't want anything."
my mind is so free, so open, that when i'm asked, "what is the one experience you want more than anything else in life?" my response is: "well, there's just so much out there!" although if i had to sum it up, i'd have to say:
"i want a beautiful home that inspires me to be happy, with my loving husband and healthy, wonderful child/ren sharing that beauty and happiness with me."
yes, Universe, this is what i want most. and i assure you...
...i am doing everything possible to accomplish this goal.
Write down a brief statement that crisply sums up the one experience you want more than anything else in life. Preface it with this assertion: "I am doing everything possible to accomplish the following goal." Memorize this magic formula and repeat it twice a day until your wish is fulfilled, even if that takes ten years. P.S. It will work best if you don't include anything about how certain people need to change in order for your longing to be fulfilled.
these things tend to get easier, i think, once i stop fighting myself. in fact, reading this week's horoscope from my dear mr. brezsny helped me to realize just how blessed i really am. the universe really is conspiring as hard as it can to shower me with blessings.
i actually sat here and spent days considering what it is i really wanted. but there's just so much i want, so much that inspires me, so many dreams i have!
there was a day once upon a time when you could ask me, "how are you today?" and i would panic because i didn't have an answer for you. i honestly didn't know. and if i couldn't even tell you how i was that day, how could i tell you what i wanted? surely i'd have answered, "i don't know. i don't want anything."
my mind is so free, so open, that when i'm asked, "what is the one experience you want more than anything else in life?" my response is: "well, there's just so much out there!" although if i had to sum it up, i'd have to say:
"i want a beautiful home that inspires me to be happy, with my loving husband and healthy, wonderful child/ren sharing that beauty and happiness with me."
yes, Universe, this is what i want most. and i assure you...
...i am doing everything possible to accomplish this goal.
1.06.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Please don't wear a t-shirt that says what I saw on the canary yellow t-shirt of the Japanese tourist at JFK airport: "Sorry, I'm a loser." I also beg you not to read Ethan Trex's book *How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself.* It's very important, in my astrological opinion, that you not demean or underestimate yourself in the coming days. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that you have a sacred duty to exalt your beauty and exult in your talents. Now go read Walt Whitman's Song of Myself, and periodically murmur the first line all week long: "I celebrate myself, and sing myself."
...this came none too soon.
...this came none too soon.
12.10.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In California's recent election, citizens voted to liberate poultry. Proposition 2 passed, mandating that from now on farmers cannot confine chickens in cages where they're unable to spread their wings. Meanwhile, in the same election, voters decided to make it illegal for gay people to be married, a right that had previously been granted by the California Supreme Court. How odd is it that chickens got a measure of freedom while gays had one of their precious freedoms cut away? I'm warning you to be wary of a metaphorically similar scenario looming in your personal life, Capricorn: in which one liberty is upgraded while another is sacrificed. Fight to make sure there's no net loss.
hmm.
hmm.
12.03.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From 1987 to 2006, Alan Greenspan was Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve and a major force in shaping the world's most powerful economy. When the recent troubles hit, Congress called on him to testify. With shocking humility, he confessed that there had been a flaw in his model of reality. All those years he'd believed that "free, competitive markets are by far the unrivaled way to organize economies." Now he saw he was wrong. While I'm sorry for the collective pain his mistaken ideas have unleashed, I'm elated for him personally: How many 82-year-old men are open to the possibility that their philosophy of life needs adjustment? For that matter, how many people of any age are receptive to changing their ideas about how the world works? I invite you to take your inspiration from Greenspan, Capricorn. Be curious about how your own major theories might need revision. Doing this heroic deed will energize you with good karma and fresh mojo.
*dies laughing*
trust me, mr. brezsny. heaven's already burning to the ground.
*dies laughing*
trust me, mr. brezsny. heaven's already burning to the ground.
11.25.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Last June, Neculai Ivascu was re-elected mayor of Voinesti, a Romanian town he had led for almost two decades. The only problem was, he was dead. "I know he died," said one of the villagers who voted to return him to office, "but I don't want change." I hope you won't go that far in your resistance to the forces of evolution, Capricorn. It's time for at least some of your old ways of thinking and being to expire, and there's no wisdom in trying to prop them up. My advice is to be brave: Gracefully agitate for transformation.
well...shit.
needless to say, this week's influx of brezsny wasn't received well at first. i sat here for a few minutes thinking of the most "colorful" language to express just how not-well it was received.
then i started thinking about it and, to be quite honest, those forces in me have been shifting --or ready to shift-- for quite some time. i've been doing a lot of thinking (not deliberately!) and realizing that some of the things i was holding onto are a little outdated.
and no, we're not talking "fashionably retro," here.
however, it's also brought quite a bit of sadness into my life to think of those things that no longer serve me. especially when they were things to which i was quite dedicated for the longest time. however, the natural progression of my life is showing me that perhaps it isn't exactly in the cards for me anymore. or maybe i'm just not really quite the same person i used to be deep down.
most of it's been centered around careerlovemarriagechildren, and how much i wanted all four, and all four to be "just so," and "just so" to be happy and miraculous and everything i ever dreamed of when i was younger...within reason. i was allowing for reality. i really was.
but with each passing day --the more i see the relationships around me-- the more i realize just how happy i really am unattached and unfettered. i have my routines, my style, my freedom. my bedroom is decorated just the way i like it. i don't have to share leftovers. i don't have to make room, or compromise. i'm free to do what i want, with whom i want, when i want. my honor is answerable to no one but myself (aka. i can sleep with whom i wish, hang out with whom i wish, and ignore whom i wish) without having to consider things like closing myself to the world of possibilities out there.
not only that, but i discovered that i've developed this very serious allergy to drama. we're talking anaphylactic shock, here. the moment there's a breakdown in the communication sphere, or the synergistic dynamic, or the honesty, or the harmony, or the respect...i'm gone. i'm not willing to work it out because i don't have to. nine times out of ten it's going to be a waste of my precious, irreplaceable time, energy, and emotions...and why would i want to do that?
the chances of finding Him, the Love of My Life who is at my caliber in strength, maturity, character, intelligence, loyalty, and chivalry are slim. finding a man who is in as much love with my zany and strange, Funky nature as i am is difficult to find. he's going to have to adore how odd i am, first and foremost. my quirks, eccentricities, and off-the-wallness are going to have to crack him up, and inspire wild thoughts of radical intimacy in him.
and the respect will have to live on, at all times. when there's Respect, most of that other drama-filled bullshit just can't grow. it's non-conducive to the growth and maturation of insufferable drama. the moment respect dwindles, i'm gone faster than you can say, "where'd she go?"
but really, i've just slowly come to the realization that i love being me, just the way i am, and i really don't want to change it.
...unless that's what mr. brezsny's talking about. but then...loving my single, mother-to-only-one-child life is a change from my "careerlovemarriagechildren" focus i had early this year. i was determined to make it my reality, and i was in perfect alignment with myself, my soul, my desires when it came to this. now? i don't really, honestly think i want to invite the chaos of more children into my life, let alone the chaos of a man.
i like dating with no commitment. is this awful of me to say? am i shallow? am i selfish? am i afraid of commitment? ...well, i don't think i'm afraid of commitment, because as soon as someone with a real pair steps up, i'm right there meeting him brass for brass. and i usually stay the course far longer than anyone i commit to.
so no, not afraid of commitment. afraid of being trapped, maybe. afraid of attaching myself to what turns out to be yet another loser? definitely. even a newfound drama-free chick like me isn't immune. we're just not as susceptible.
so...i dunno. i don't know what the change and evolution is here that i'm not supposed to be resisting. maybe i'm just full of crap and it's actually talking about an area in my life that i haven't even considered.
that's a definite possibility.
well...shit.
needless to say, this week's influx of brezsny wasn't received well at first. i sat here for a few minutes thinking of the most "colorful" language to express just how not-well it was received.
then i started thinking about it and, to be quite honest, those forces in me have been shifting --or ready to shift-- for quite some time. i've been doing a lot of thinking (not deliberately!) and realizing that some of the things i was holding onto are a little outdated.
and no, we're not talking "fashionably retro," here.
however, it's also brought quite a bit of sadness into my life to think of those things that no longer serve me. especially when they were things to which i was quite dedicated for the longest time. however, the natural progression of my life is showing me that perhaps it isn't exactly in the cards for me anymore. or maybe i'm just not really quite the same person i used to be deep down.
most of it's been centered around careerlovemarriagechildren, and how much i wanted all four, and all four to be "just so," and "just so" to be happy and miraculous and everything i ever dreamed of when i was younger...within reason. i was allowing for reality. i really was.
but with each passing day --the more i see the relationships around me-- the more i realize just how happy i really am unattached and unfettered. i have my routines, my style, my freedom. my bedroom is decorated just the way i like it. i don't have to share leftovers. i don't have to make room, or compromise. i'm free to do what i want, with whom i want, when i want. my honor is answerable to no one but myself (aka. i can sleep with whom i wish, hang out with whom i wish, and ignore whom i wish) without having to consider things like closing myself to the world of possibilities out there.
not only that, but i discovered that i've developed this very serious allergy to drama. we're talking anaphylactic shock, here. the moment there's a breakdown in the communication sphere, or the synergistic dynamic, or the honesty, or the harmony, or the respect...i'm gone. i'm not willing to work it out because i don't have to. nine times out of ten it's going to be a waste of my precious, irreplaceable time, energy, and emotions...and why would i want to do that?
the chances of finding Him, the Love of My Life who is at my caliber in strength, maturity, character, intelligence, loyalty, and chivalry are slim. finding a man who is in as much love with my zany and strange, Funky nature as i am is difficult to find. he's going to have to adore how odd i am, first and foremost. my quirks, eccentricities, and off-the-wallness are going to have to crack him up, and inspire wild thoughts of radical intimacy in him.
and the respect will have to live on, at all times. when there's Respect, most of that other drama-filled bullshit just can't grow. it's non-conducive to the growth and maturation of insufferable drama. the moment respect dwindles, i'm gone faster than you can say, "where'd she go?"
but really, i've just slowly come to the realization that i love being me, just the way i am, and i really don't want to change it.
...unless that's what mr. brezsny's talking about. but then...loving my single, mother-to-only-one-child life is a change from my "careerlovemarriagechildren" focus i had early this year. i was determined to make it my reality, and i was in perfect alignment with myself, my soul, my desires when it came to this. now? i don't really, honestly think i want to invite the chaos of more children into my life, let alone the chaos of a man.
i like dating with no commitment. is this awful of me to say? am i shallow? am i selfish? am i afraid of commitment? ...well, i don't think i'm afraid of commitment, because as soon as someone with a real pair steps up, i'm right there meeting him brass for brass. and i usually stay the course far longer than anyone i commit to.
so no, not afraid of commitment. afraid of being trapped, maybe. afraid of attaching myself to what turns out to be yet another loser? definitely. even a newfound drama-free chick like me isn't immune. we're just not as susceptible.
so...i dunno. i don't know what the change and evolution is here that i'm not supposed to be resisting. maybe i'm just full of crap and it's actually talking about an area in my life that i haven't even considered.
that's a definite possibility.
11.15.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Check out this excerpt from "Those Who Do Not Dance," by Chilean poet Gabriel Mistral: "God asked from on high,/ 'How do I come down from this blueness?' / We told Him: /come dance with us in the light." I love this passage because it reminds me that nothing is ever set in stone: Everything is always up for grabs. Even God needs to be open to change and eager for fresh truths. Furthermore, even we puny humans may on occasion need to be God's teacher and helper. Likewise, we can never be sure about what lowly or unexpected sources may bring us the influences we require. What do Mistral's words mean to you, Capricorn? Imagine you're the "God" referenced in the poem. What blueness are you ready to come down from, and who might invite you to dance in their light?
i had to sit on this one for quite some time.
the line "even God needs to be open to change and eager for fresh truths," didn't sit well, especially. of course, i set it aside and let my subconscious think about it for me, so i could worry about such things as the Wrath expansion coming out, and my messy apartment, my ribs popping out of their heads and stabbing my lungs while i slept (ow...). y'know, the nice mundane things.
and then...with all the subtlety of a pronoiac miracle, suddenly i woke up and wanted nothing more than to start waking up in the a.m., go to the gym, re-devote myself to business and the grand art of allowing the universe to be wildly in love with me.
and then...just like that...manifested in my reality was a google ad staring me in the face that afternoon --only ten minutes after i'd gotten out of bed-- that led to exactly what i'd been looking for. i just had to make the decision. i just acted. the universe had provided, except this time it threw this chance at me and told me to go long.
i'm still running, and that's the point.
so if i'm god, i was in this blueness and feeling removed from everything, feeling like a failure, feeling detached and unmotivated. i hadn't even considered what bret had suggested. in fact, until he mentioned it, the prospect of being so in touch with nature's cycles that i was reflecting them hadn't even crossed my mind. but i do that. every year. i even get wrinkles, crow's feet at the corners of my eyes and crescent moons around my mouth, the closer we get to yule...that disappear the closer to beltane we get. ever since i'd started following the moon's cycles and really paying attention to the wheel of the year --with its seasons corresponding to our holidays-- this has been a regular thing that happens every year. and yet every fall i always forget, and i'm always surprised when i slow down and start to shut down.
thanks for reminding me, bret. you're a doll and i luv ya!
but i think i was also like the people God was talking to, in my horoscope. the real me, the Funkywild, the pronoiac in me. i was calling myself over to dance in the light. i really wanted to. i wanted to get out of my unFunk, out of the quagmire i was exhausting myself trying to slug through.
i also decided to combat it inside my body as well, not just in my mind and spirit. so i went over to the wonderiffic and utterly miraculous dr. schulze and bought his basics for cleansing and detox. i'm long overdue, and i think that's a huge contributor to my sluggish lackluster, and my fatigue. well, that, and all the taco hell i find myself recently addicted to. gotta cut that out.
so i'll still follow the seasons, still hibernate a bit this fall...but in history, this was also the time our ancestors (and not even all that long ago) were attending to the final details of bracing for the winter. they packed away, stored, provisioned, got out the heavy boots and thick blankets, and in general dug in for the winter. well, i'm gonna dig in, too. only i'm gonna make provisions and dig in and get serious about Freedom Revolution. i'm gonna use the quietude of fall and winter to connect with my body and get cozy with the idea of warm socks, wool afghans, and serious business practices.
...and i'm gonna let in the light for my mind. spiders and dust bunnies were starting to accumulate in the corners.
i had to sit on this one for quite some time.
the line "even God needs to be open to change and eager for fresh truths," didn't sit well, especially. of course, i set it aside and let my subconscious think about it for me, so i could worry about such things as the Wrath expansion coming out, and my messy apartment, my ribs popping out of their heads and stabbing my lungs while i slept (ow...). y'know, the nice mundane things.
and then...with all the subtlety of a pronoiac miracle, suddenly i woke up and wanted nothing more than to start waking up in the a.m., go to the gym, re-devote myself to business and the grand art of allowing the universe to be wildly in love with me.
and then...just like that...manifested in my reality was a google ad staring me in the face that afternoon --only ten minutes after i'd gotten out of bed-- that led to exactly what i'd been looking for. i just had to make the decision. i just acted. the universe had provided, except this time it threw this chance at me and told me to go long.
i'm still running, and that's the point.
so if i'm god, i was in this blueness and feeling removed from everything, feeling like a failure, feeling detached and unmotivated. i hadn't even considered what bret had suggested. in fact, until he mentioned it, the prospect of being so in touch with nature's cycles that i was reflecting them hadn't even crossed my mind. but i do that. every year. i even get wrinkles, crow's feet at the corners of my eyes and crescent moons around my mouth, the closer we get to yule...that disappear the closer to beltane we get. ever since i'd started following the moon's cycles and really paying attention to the wheel of the year --with its seasons corresponding to our holidays-- this has been a regular thing that happens every year. and yet every fall i always forget, and i'm always surprised when i slow down and start to shut down.
thanks for reminding me, bret. you're a doll and i luv ya!
but i think i was also like the people God was talking to, in my horoscope. the real me, the Funkywild, the pronoiac in me. i was calling myself over to dance in the light. i really wanted to. i wanted to get out of my unFunk, out of the quagmire i was exhausting myself trying to slug through.
i also decided to combat it inside my body as well, not just in my mind and spirit. so i went over to the wonderiffic and utterly miraculous dr. schulze and bought his basics for cleansing and detox. i'm long overdue, and i think that's a huge contributor to my sluggish lackluster, and my fatigue. well, that, and all the taco hell i find myself recently addicted to. gotta cut that out.
so i'll still follow the seasons, still hibernate a bit this fall...but in history, this was also the time our ancestors (and not even all that long ago) were attending to the final details of bracing for the winter. they packed away, stored, provisioned, got out the heavy boots and thick blankets, and in general dug in for the winter. well, i'm gonna dig in, too. only i'm gonna make provisions and dig in and get serious about Freedom Revolution. i'm gonna use the quietude of fall and winter to connect with my body and get cozy with the idea of warm socks, wool afghans, and serious business practices.
...and i'm gonna let in the light for my mind. spiders and dust bunnies were starting to accumulate in the corners.
10.22.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The planet Saturn symbolizes the preservative and conservative tendencies of evolution. It teaches us to learn from the past and keeps us from rushing into the frontier before we're ready. Uranus, on the other hand, represents future shocks, both the disturbing and benevolent kinds. It disturbs our sleep in order to wake us up and energizes us to reinvent ourselves on the fly. What happens when these two planets slip into an intimate dynamic, as they are now? Will one of them prevail over the other in a great battle? Or will they coordinate their efforts artfully in a riveting, gorgeous dance? Amazingly enough, the outcome depends in part on you.
i remember my bio-dad telling me about a fight he was in once, a long, long time ago. he said that time sort of slowed down and he could think so clearly, see every swing coming like it was in slow-motion. he had enough time to see exactly how his opponent was going to move, where those fists would fly, and how to catch and counter every blow. he won that fight.
last winter, one very early, very icy morning, the Funkmobile and i almost went over the edge of an on-ramp on my way to the salon. there was so much ice that, even going as slow as i was, when i touched the brake, the Funkmobile went into a glide across the intersection. time slowed to a crawl. in the time it took to slide fifteen feet, i thought, "wow. so this is how i go, huh? i'd always wondered... hmm, when losing control of a car, turn into the slide. slip the car into neutral. foot off the brake, dee. wow, that edge is coming up close. thank the gods i have no regrets; i just hope someone finds me and can tell my family. thank goddess there's no other traffic this early, i'd hate to cause a collision with someone else. jeez, we're still sliding?" and just like that, the Funkmobile glided to a stop not two feet from the edge. i was so calm. i put the car back into gear, and got onto the freeway so i wouldn't be late for work.
some time after that, my dad saw this documentary on cable about the human brain, and some of the funkywild things it can do. in life-or-death situations, the brain kicks into uber hyperdrive. it actually shuts down any other function that's not absolutely vital to its survival: everything from your digestive system to any or all of your five senses can be shut completely down. even your breathing is slowed to a minimum, and all resources are diverted up to the brain so it can survive as long as possible, and operate as fast as possible so it can figure out a way to survive. that's why time seems to slow to a crawl: thought processes are sped up to unimaginable degrees. even the fight-or-flight panic reaction is turned off. the brain needs to think.
it's kind of like being in "the zone," to the nth power.
i think saturn + uranus is going to create an effect similar: with one force reminding me of everything i've learned and everything that has gone before, and another force is the shock force (both benevolent and disturbing) that hurtles us into hyperdrive, what can the effect be except time slowing to a crawl as my soul vaults into The Zone?
business is going to pick up. the Year of the Delena draws to a close, and the 22 Years of World Orgasm is just beginning...starting with the Year of the Funktastic Wow.
there are some gigantic hurdles to clear, too. lots of inertia to overcome, objects at rest requiring massive amounts of energy to turn into objects in motion; and some objects in motion that need to be turned into objects at rest. some...objects at eternal rest, so mote it be.
i'm going to need the power of being in The Zone, my sight so clear thanks to my hyperdrive soul watching time crawl by. i know things i didn't used to know, and i've grown in ways that have let me feel the sunlight on my face. i shine as a beacon for others, in my heart and my growing love. it's almost like throwing yourself off a cliff...and realizing you've known how to fly all along.
i remember my bio-dad telling me about a fight he was in once, a long, long time ago. he said that time sort of slowed down and he could think so clearly, see every swing coming like it was in slow-motion. he had enough time to see exactly how his opponent was going to move, where those fists would fly, and how to catch and counter every blow. he won that fight.
last winter, one very early, very icy morning, the Funkmobile and i almost went over the edge of an on-ramp on my way to the salon. there was so much ice that, even going as slow as i was, when i touched the brake, the Funkmobile went into a glide across the intersection. time slowed to a crawl. in the time it took to slide fifteen feet, i thought, "wow. so this is how i go, huh? i'd always wondered... hmm, when losing control of a car, turn into the slide. slip the car into neutral. foot off the brake, dee. wow, that edge is coming up close. thank the gods i have no regrets; i just hope someone finds me and can tell my family. thank goddess there's no other traffic this early, i'd hate to cause a collision with someone else. jeez, we're still sliding?" and just like that, the Funkmobile glided to a stop not two feet from the edge. i was so calm. i put the car back into gear, and got onto the freeway so i wouldn't be late for work.
some time after that, my dad saw this documentary on cable about the human brain, and some of the funkywild things it can do. in life-or-death situations, the brain kicks into uber hyperdrive. it actually shuts down any other function that's not absolutely vital to its survival: everything from your digestive system to any or all of your five senses can be shut completely down. even your breathing is slowed to a minimum, and all resources are diverted up to the brain so it can survive as long as possible, and operate as fast as possible so it can figure out a way to survive. that's why time seems to slow to a crawl: thought processes are sped up to unimaginable degrees. even the fight-or-flight panic reaction is turned off. the brain needs to think.
it's kind of like being in "the zone," to the nth power.
i think saturn + uranus is going to create an effect similar: with one force reminding me of everything i've learned and everything that has gone before, and another force is the shock force (both benevolent and disturbing) that hurtles us into hyperdrive, what can the effect be except time slowing to a crawl as my soul vaults into The Zone?
business is going to pick up. the Year of the Delena draws to a close, and the 22 Years of World Orgasm is just beginning...starting with the Year of the Funktastic Wow.
there are some gigantic hurdles to clear, too. lots of inertia to overcome, objects at rest requiring massive amounts of energy to turn into objects in motion; and some objects in motion that need to be turned into objects at rest. some...objects at eternal rest, so mote it be.
i'm going to need the power of being in The Zone, my sight so clear thanks to my hyperdrive soul watching time crawl by. i know things i didn't used to know, and i've grown in ways that have let me feel the sunlight on my face. i shine as a beacon for others, in my heart and my growing love. it's almost like throwing yourself off a cliff...and realizing you've known how to fly all along.
9.28.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Norepinephrine is a hormone that can make you feel good even when it's generated by stress. According to a study by the Positive Health Center in London, successful women produce that hormone in abundance. I have no medical research, just astrological guesswork, to back up my claim that you Capricorns will have a special relationship with norepinephrine in the coming weeks. As a result, high- pressure situations that might have sapped your energy or frayed your nerves in the past may actually energize you. You could find yourself having a blast as you push harder to foster excellence.
i thought about this one, and i actually have to agree with him in retrospect. at first i didn't, and i couldn't see how this week's reading could actually apply to me, but i must agree...i've gotten a new personal relationship with naturally-produced norepinephrine.
i've done a lot this month, i really have. and i've spent even more. sometimes my breath catches when i realize just how much i've spent, and that it's my neck on the line for over ten thousand dollars. but...
and here's the kicker...
...it doesn't stress or freak me out the way you'd think it would. it gets me, and my breath catches. i apparently get a look on my face, or fall silent, because either *ds* or *ks* inevitably comes to me and asks if everything's all right. i tell them. there's their hand on my shoulder, and i remember to breathe.
and then i remember why i did it in the first place, and i remember that i'm going to be so wildly successful ima freakin' pwn the entrepreneurial world.
and i'm still single --haven't committed to anything except my family and my business-- but when he comes, it'll be fantasmically wonderlicious. sometimes i wonder if i've met him already. sometimes i wonder when i will. and sometimes i wonder why the hell i'm even wondering.
because when it all gets boiled down, my family is happy and thriving and that's all that matters. and these things that normally would have seen me set my hair on fire already?
...meh. i've seen worse, and i'm still here. it's all cake and pie, baby.
may the Funk be with you.
i thought about this one, and i actually have to agree with him in retrospect. at first i didn't, and i couldn't see how this week's reading could actually apply to me, but i must agree...i've gotten a new personal relationship with naturally-produced norepinephrine.
i've done a lot this month, i really have. and i've spent even more. sometimes my breath catches when i realize just how much i've spent, and that it's my neck on the line for over ten thousand dollars. but...
and here's the kicker...
...it doesn't stress or freak me out the way you'd think it would. it gets me, and my breath catches. i apparently get a look on my face, or fall silent, because either *ds* or *ks* inevitably comes to me and asks if everything's all right. i tell them. there's their hand on my shoulder, and i remember to breathe.
and then i remember why i did it in the first place, and i remember that i'm going to be so wildly successful ima freakin' pwn the entrepreneurial world.
and i'm still single --haven't committed to anything except my family and my business-- but when he comes, it'll be fantasmically wonderlicious. sometimes i wonder if i've met him already. sometimes i wonder when i will. and sometimes i wonder why the hell i'm even wondering.
because when it all gets boiled down, my family is happy and thriving and that's all that matters. and these things that normally would have seen me set my hair on fire already?
...meh. i've seen worse, and i'm still here. it's all cake and pie, baby.
may the Funk be with you.
9.17.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I would love to place an elegant gold crown on your head. I have the urge to declare you monarch of the expanding realm, maker of new laws, and reshaper of the collective vision. Are you up for wielding that much power? Can you handle an increased level of responsibilities? Or would you prefer to preside over a smaller domain, content merely to keep the daily grind from erupting into chaos now and then? It's mostly up to you. What do you want?
what do I want?
(well, aside from preferring silver, or white gold to actual gold...)
i have been monarch of my new and expanding realm. i am queen mother, high priestess, and supreme goddess of delena land.
something's been happening during this chaos-and-rebuild. something in me's been going through and finding all those things that seem reasonable but severely don't work for me, and has simply been upending and totally demolishing them. in ripping out all that facing, underneath i've been finding the most beautiful and luminescent peace and simplicity.
my new laws are natural laws, not ones i or anyone else has written, but just laws that are: serenity, simplicity, love.
and as i get higher above the chaos, i find not more laws, but fewer. i find not more responsibilities, but fewer.
i've learned to be quiet with myself. i've learned what the monks and swamis call "Be Here Now." now is all there is. on my blog i might say much, only because unless it's experienced, this experience cannot really be described...but i try to anyway. in person? i find i'm talking less and less, being quieter and more still. this isn't a state or emotion to encounter and meet with excitement, but one to sit with and be still with. time loses meaning here.
this is my domain, and this is my headdress. this is my medicine stick.
it simply Is.
9.02.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The whole history of civilization is strewn with creeds and institutions which were invaluable at first, and deadly afterwards." So said British essayist Walter Bagehot. I would add the following corollary: The fortunes of many individuals have declined because of belief systems and structures that were invigorating earlier in their lives but that gradually became paralyzing or parasitical. Has that ever been true about you, Capricorn? More importantly, might it become true in the future? Please take inventory of your reliance on theories and attitudes and methods that made good sense once upon a time but that are now becoming irrelevant or even counterproductive.
a system, according to physics, can handle a certain amount of input and/or stimulus. it also gives off a certain amount of chaos, entropy, or energy. this is called the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
all things, according to this Law, move toward a state of chaos and degeneration.
what stumped scientists for over a century afterward was the argument that yeah, things move toward entropy, but what about things that move toward higher organization, like, um, life itself? atoms form into molecules like amino acids, which form into single cells, which form into more complex systems, until one day something says, "Hmm, I feel like sprouting legs," and climbs out of the primordial soup to become homo sapiens. and even this evolutionary miracle forms more complex systems according to humanity's needs: villages, towns, laws and social orders and structure.
even a freeway exhibits this growth and evolution towards greater order.
true, said some guy at the university of brussels whose name i can't remember let alone spell, but a system whose input exceeds its output of entropy comes to a crux, or a crossroads. it can go one of two ways:
it will either cease to be a system (aka go ka-blooey) or it will reorganize itself into a more complex, "higher" structure that can then handle the greater input. it will also, as a result of its evolution, give off greater energy/entropy/whatever as a result. so the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics still applies.
as things grow, information gets processed. when the threshold of this informational limit is hit and remains at this threshold long enough, chaos ensues as the system gets overwhelmed...until the system realizes (in some way) that what used to work doesn't work anymore, and the old system is thrown away in favor of a new one, or is manipulated in some way as to improve its capability to handle the new level of input.
that's what's been happening to me, and it's what the support guy said last week.
i don't really think i was upset at any of the things i professed to be upset at (though yeah, they were really irritating me), but it wasn't the source. my system just wasn't able to handle things anymore, the good or the difficult. because it's all stimulus, and it was too much for my system.
frankly, it's still too much for my system. my sleep's been pretty wacky, and my appetite's been weird and less than stellar. i'm tired all the time, emotionally sensitive, and easily overwhelmed. and it's easy lately to get really down on myself.
but *ks* helped me see that's what's been going on, and then the support guy squished my gut chakra. a conversation with a friend-slash-business partner let me know that i had finally failed to keep those personal things separate from work, and so i'd pretty much just spilled over everywhere.
knowing this, and knowing that my best efforts to try and control the spillover was only making things worse, helped me to not stress about it as much.
as much. i still stress.
lots of things going on, and with all this positive growth really uprooting some really deeply-buried, heavy-duty stuff, i'm exhausted in every possible way a person can be exhausted. i know that once i get through this chaos i'll be a better person -- able to handle more positivity and more challenges, even-- and i look forward to it, but i don't know how to get through this except to, well, "sit through it and just wait it out" seems to be what i'm being told.
my biggest struggle comes from not knowing how to "observe it, feel the feelings, and let whatever happens be okay" while at the same time not explode or spill over onto others. if my outside life is any indication of the inside of me, i'm overheating, shutting down randomly, and letting the dirty dishes pile up while simultaneously getting pissed at them for piling up.
go figure.
a system, according to physics, can handle a certain amount of input and/or stimulus. it also gives off a certain amount of chaos, entropy, or energy. this is called the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
all things, according to this Law, move toward a state of chaos and degeneration.
what stumped scientists for over a century afterward was the argument that yeah, things move toward entropy, but what about things that move toward higher organization, like, um, life itself? atoms form into molecules like amino acids, which form into single cells, which form into more complex systems, until one day something says, "Hmm, I feel like sprouting legs," and climbs out of the primordial soup to become homo sapiens. and even this evolutionary miracle forms more complex systems according to humanity's needs: villages, towns, laws and social orders and structure.
even a freeway exhibits this growth and evolution towards greater order.
true, said some guy at the university of brussels whose name i can't remember let alone spell, but a system whose input exceeds its output of entropy comes to a crux, or a crossroads. it can go one of two ways:
it will either cease to be a system (aka go ka-blooey) or it will reorganize itself into a more complex, "higher" structure that can then handle the greater input. it will also, as a result of its evolution, give off greater energy/entropy/whatever as a result. so the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics still applies.
as things grow, information gets processed. when the threshold of this informational limit is hit and remains at this threshold long enough, chaos ensues as the system gets overwhelmed...until the system realizes (in some way) that what used to work doesn't work anymore, and the old system is thrown away in favor of a new one, or is manipulated in some way as to improve its capability to handle the new level of input.
that's what's been happening to me, and it's what the support guy said last week.
i don't really think i was upset at any of the things i professed to be upset at (though yeah, they were really irritating me), but it wasn't the source. my system just wasn't able to handle things anymore, the good or the difficult. because it's all stimulus, and it was too much for my system.
frankly, it's still too much for my system. my sleep's been pretty wacky, and my appetite's been weird and less than stellar. i'm tired all the time, emotionally sensitive, and easily overwhelmed. and it's easy lately to get really down on myself.
but *ks* helped me see that's what's been going on, and then the support guy squished my gut chakra. a conversation with a friend-slash-business partner let me know that i had finally failed to keep those personal things separate from work, and so i'd pretty much just spilled over everywhere.
knowing this, and knowing that my best efforts to try and control the spillover was only making things worse, helped me to not stress about it as much.
as much. i still stress.
lots of things going on, and with all this positive growth really uprooting some really deeply-buried, heavy-duty stuff, i'm exhausted in every possible way a person can be exhausted. i know that once i get through this chaos i'll be a better person -- able to handle more positivity and more challenges, even-- and i look forward to it, but i don't know how to get through this except to, well, "sit through it and just wait it out" seems to be what i'm being told.
my biggest struggle comes from not knowing how to "observe it, feel the feelings, and let whatever happens be okay" while at the same time not explode or spill over onto others. if my outside life is any indication of the inside of me, i'm overheating, shutting down randomly, and letting the dirty dishes pile up while simultaneously getting pissed at them for piling up.
go figure.
8.26.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Below is an excerpt from a Charles Baudelaire poem, as translated by Louis Simpson. "Ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking . . . ask what time it is, and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: 'It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.'" It is a perfect time in your astrological cycle to draw inspiration from that counsel, Capricorn. In addition to wine, poetry, and virtue, consider trying anything else that might work to achieve the desired exaltation, like meditation, dancing, sex, dream work, or a vision quest.
well, that might actually be what needs to happen. i'm still waiting for the temporarily-blinding transition from shadow into dazzle-riffic lighty wowness.
a minor concussion yesterday has forced me to pretty much do nothing today. so i've had a lot of time to sit and think and talk to *ks* about a few things.
but yes, much-needed exultation. i haven't posted daily deelite in a few days because, quite frankly, beauty and truth fans, i haven't really been feeling all that grateful and i didn't want to post a lie up here, or in any other way make the gratitude forced. i've been intenstly discouraged, actually, and feeling like a big, fat failure in a lot of areas, but mainly with Freedom Revolution. and i've been doing a lot.
i will not post a frustrated rant up here about it.
no matter how much i want to.
no matter how i've been ranting and running around in circles in my head figuring this whole thing out.
...no matter how much i might want to.
i've come to the decision that it's all right to do nothing. not "nothing" in the typical definition of sit-on-your-ass-unproductively. but i'm going to take no forward or outward action right now. i'm going to handle this as a woman and go downward and inward. i'm also going to throw out those things about the business model that don't work for me, no matter how much everyone else in this business says, "do them. they work. just do them."
no thanks. i'm gonna re-work some of the business model delena-style, thanks.
and i'm going to continue with this. fuck it if no one i know and love comes with me on this. i know where i'm headed, i believe in where i'm headed, and i'm going to get there come hell or high water. i know i'll never be alone when i get there, because i'll be surrounded by people who think like i do, who act as i do: who believe in freedom, in a better life and richer opportunities, and who don't let anyone's fear (including their own) hold them back. who cares if no one comes with me? i will come with me, and i'm the best company of all. i can extend the invitation, but in the end if someone --friend, family member, co-worker-- chooses to be left behind, that's their choice.
i need to stop caring and feeling responsible for them, and i need to stop feeling guilty for leaving them behind. not my choice.
i also need to learn to feel okay with those feelings, with being a little harsher than i've ever been. in the past, i'd always chosen to remain behind with someone rather than forge ahead (really) on my own. i popped out of my bio-mother way more empathic than was probably good for me.
maybe it's time i had more empathy for myself. feeling bad for those who can't see the freedom for the fear...it's holding me back. i once wrote a story about a lioness who thought she was a mouse. i could never finish it because i never knew how it ended. now i know.
one day she realized, truly, that she was a lioness: the greatest hunter in the jungle or on the plains. one of her could send thousands in a herd stampeding. she lived her prowess, and never went hungry again. the end.
i am a lioness. i AM a Thunder Walker.
fear is not in my paradigm.
so effing mote it be.
i'm gonna go get drunk on stories now.
well, that might actually be what needs to happen. i'm still waiting for the temporarily-blinding transition from shadow into dazzle-riffic lighty wowness.
a minor concussion yesterday has forced me to pretty much do nothing today. so i've had a lot of time to sit and think and talk to *ks* about a few things.
but yes, much-needed exultation. i haven't posted daily deelite in a few days because, quite frankly, beauty and truth fans, i haven't really been feeling all that grateful and i didn't want to post a lie up here, or in any other way make the gratitude forced. i've been intenstly discouraged, actually, and feeling like a big, fat failure in a lot of areas, but mainly with Freedom Revolution. and i've been doing a lot.
i will not post a frustrated rant up here about it.
no matter how much i want to.
no matter how i've been ranting and running around in circles in my head figuring this whole thing out.
...no matter how much i might want to.
i've come to the decision that it's all right to do nothing. not "nothing" in the typical definition of sit-on-your-ass-unproductively. but i'm going to take no forward or outward action right now. i'm going to handle this as a woman and go downward and inward. i'm also going to throw out those things about the business model that don't work for me, no matter how much everyone else in this business says, "do them. they work. just do them."
no thanks. i'm gonna re-work some of the business model delena-style, thanks.
and i'm going to continue with this. fuck it if no one i know and love comes with me on this. i know where i'm headed, i believe in where i'm headed, and i'm going to get there come hell or high water. i know i'll never be alone when i get there, because i'll be surrounded by people who think like i do, who act as i do: who believe in freedom, in a better life and richer opportunities, and who don't let anyone's fear (including their own) hold them back. who cares if no one comes with me? i will come with me, and i'm the best company of all. i can extend the invitation, but in the end if someone --friend, family member, co-worker-- chooses to be left behind, that's their choice.
i need to stop caring and feeling responsible for them, and i need to stop feeling guilty for leaving them behind. not my choice.
i also need to learn to feel okay with those feelings, with being a little harsher than i've ever been. in the past, i'd always chosen to remain behind with someone rather than forge ahead (really) on my own. i popped out of my bio-mother way more empathic than was probably good for me.
maybe it's time i had more empathy for myself. feeling bad for those who can't see the freedom for the fear...it's holding me back. i once wrote a story about a lioness who thought she was a mouse. i could never finish it because i never knew how it ended. now i know.
one day she realized, truly, that she was a lioness: the greatest hunter in the jungle or on the plains. one of her could send thousands in a herd stampeding. she lived her prowess, and never went hungry again. the end.
i am a lioness. i AM a Thunder Walker.
fear is not in my paradigm.
so effing mote it be.
i'm gonna go get drunk on stories now.
8.21.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes," wrote Plato in *The Republic,* "either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye quite as much as of the bodily eye." He goes on to say that when a person leaves the light and enters into the shadows, his vision is perplexed, being unaccustomed to the dark. And when he moves from the murk into the brightness, it takes a while for his sight to adjust to the dazzle. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Capricorn, you had to deal with the first kind of temporary blindness about three weeks ago, and will begin experiencing the second kind any day now.
first off, i wanted to point out something i noticed today that pleased me greatly and let me know i'm on the right path: the top 5 topics here at iGoddess are:
this is absolutely awesome. and daily deelite is soon going to overtake and far surpass anything else here, since it's a (for the most part) daily thing.
mr. brezsny, your timing once again is perfect. indeed, there was a period about three weeks ago where i was blinded, blinking and trying to focus in the sudden darkness. i was hit with a wave of insecurity, fear of failure, and intense worry.
it was a visit from three of the thirteen Beasts of Consciousness, the other ten being sorrow, defeat, fear of ruin, futility, doubt, self-cruelty, disappointment, debauchery, indolence, and oppression. you'd think fear would just be all bundled into one, but some fear is healthy. it just has to be the right kind of fear. any hint of fooling yourself into believing that one of your unhealthy fears is a healthy form of fear, and now you're just lying to yourself. i suppose you could say it's a form of self-oppression, couldn't you?
one of these Beasts is enough to immobilize a person, even momentarily. these immobilized me for over a week.
i got over it, tho.
and any day, i'm going to be positively dazzled by my emergence into Blinding Light of Dazzling Wowness. and i've been able to feel it coming, ever since yesterday. there was just a feeling of specialness, as if i'd shifted into a new golden age and was attuned to the energies even though the physical manifestation hadn't come yet.
it was The Beginning. and i felt it.
so i know it's barreling straight for me as i type this. i know it the way i know gravity works. i am the lodestone for Fortune, Abundance, and Ecstatic Wowliciousness. i swear to the Jiggy Funk, i felt it.
and now all i have to do is take action --BIG action-- and prepare for its inevitable arrival. and so i do just that...with a smile on my face, joy in my heart, and a swivel in my saunter.
yeah, baby!
first off, i wanted to point out something i noticed today that pleased me greatly and let me know i'm on the right path: the top 5 topics here at iGoddess are:
* brezsny on the blog (55)
* pronoia (54)
* finding the Funk (49)
* radical intimacy (36)
* daily deelite (35)
* pronoia (54)
* finding the Funk (49)
* radical intimacy (36)
* daily deelite (35)
this is absolutely awesome. and daily deelite is soon going to overtake and far surpass anything else here, since it's a (for the most part) daily thing.
mr. brezsny, your timing once again is perfect. indeed, there was a period about three weeks ago where i was blinded, blinking and trying to focus in the sudden darkness. i was hit with a wave of insecurity, fear of failure, and intense worry.
it was a visit from three of the thirteen Beasts of Consciousness, the other ten being sorrow, defeat, fear of ruin, futility, doubt, self-cruelty, disappointment, debauchery, indolence, and oppression. you'd think fear would just be all bundled into one, but some fear is healthy. it just has to be the right kind of fear. any hint of fooling yourself into believing that one of your unhealthy fears is a healthy form of fear, and now you're just lying to yourself. i suppose you could say it's a form of self-oppression, couldn't you?
one of these Beasts is enough to immobilize a person, even momentarily. these immobilized me for over a week.
i got over it, tho.
and any day, i'm going to be positively dazzled by my emergence into Blinding Light of Dazzling Wowness. and i've been able to feel it coming, ever since yesterday. there was just a feeling of specialness, as if i'd shifted into a new golden age and was attuned to the energies even though the physical manifestation hadn't come yet.
it was The Beginning. and i felt it.
so i know it's barreling straight for me as i type this. i know it the way i know gravity works. i am the lodestone for Fortune, Abundance, and Ecstatic Wowliciousness. i swear to the Jiggy Funk, i felt it.
and now all i have to do is take action --BIG action-- and prepare for its inevitable arrival. and so i do just that...with a smile on my face, joy in my heart, and a swivel in my saunter.
yeah, baby!
8.12.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's clear to me that a part of you needs to come out of hiding. I'm not exactly sure what that means, though. Maybe there's a talent you've buried that's ready to emerge into the light. It could be that a question you've been trying to ignore is finally ripe to be asked. Perhaps you've been stoically putting up with a tweaked situation that you really should rise up and transform. What do you think it is, Capricorn?
once more, mr. brezsny, you're absolutely right.
y'know, i like it better when --through my own receptivity of the PNN-- i already feel what it's telling me and i've already taken steps in that direction so when your horoscope comes, i bounce up and down in my desk chair (which is bouncy), point at my screen, and excitedly cry, "hey! i'm already doing that!"
"yes," you say, "but notice that when that happens, you're channeling pronoiafunk anyway and therefore are picking up the Pronoiac News Network loud and clear."
"well, yeah..."
"it's when my horoscopes come as a slap on the ass that you're not paying attention--"
"but--!"
"--and when you need to hear it the most."
"..."
well yeah, okay, fine. i admit, he has a point. but don't you just hate it when someone forces you to look at an aspect of yourself and you know it's gonna hurt?
i've been hiding. quite literally. last monday was a really horrible day. i mean really horrible. at risk of sounding like i'm focusing on the bad (which i'm not) it really felt like i'd been visited by the Crap Fairy and left with a big, fat welt where she'd whacked me upside the back of my head.
so i took some time to regroup, focus on other things, and on saturday really felt like i was back where i needed to be. i know, it seems like a long time. and i realized then i'm really dealing with a whole lotta fear. i haven't made a single call to a single person who's indicated interest in my business and here it is tuesday of the following week. running into so many jerks, flakes, and out-and-out hostility did a real number on me.
it came to my attention that i'm facing a real, deep-seated fear that last week manifested as "stepping back" to "get into a better frame of mind."
but really, i was running.
i know it.
at the time i didn't, but i do now. and now that i know, i face a choice: let the fear rule me and do nothing but return to mediocrity; or face it, master it, and learn from the experience.
it's a damn shame there's no third option, because i'm really not wanting to face this thing, but i know i have to. if you're not growing, you're stagnating. if life isn't getting better, it's only getting worse. the way things move nowadays, and how fast things change, you have to change with them or are only being left behind. there is no status quo, no "holding pattern."
you're either growing, or you're not. and no growth is called "death."
no, seriously, look at that. in nature, if it's not growing, it's stagnating, dying, or already dead. and who wants to be dying or dead? corpses are left behind, so if you're not getting ahead then what are you?
a corpse?
um, ew.
so yeah. i must choose life, and growth, and evolution of my mind and spirit. and so i am faced with this great opportunity to conquer yet another thing that had heretofore ruled me without my consent. and this thing? it is fear. fear of rejection, fear of failure, but also fear of success. deep down, i believe that i won't succeed at this.
i'm sabotaging my own success and freedom, killing my own dreams.
so before, when i would have spent so much time exploring why i feel this way, where it's coming from, understanding it, and then figuring out how to overcome it...which takes a whole lotta time and energy...instead i'm just gonna forge ahead despite this and tell this fear in my subconscious to shut the hell up, i'm busy being successful and getting rich.
so there.
and it was good.
once more, mr. brezsny, you're absolutely right.
y'know, i like it better when --through my own receptivity of the PNN-- i already feel what it's telling me and i've already taken steps in that direction so when your horoscope comes, i bounce up and down in my desk chair (which is bouncy), point at my screen, and excitedly cry, "hey! i'm already doing that!"
"yes," you say, "but notice that when that happens, you're channeling pronoiafunk anyway and therefore are picking up the Pronoiac News Network loud and clear."
"well, yeah..."
"it's when my horoscopes come as a slap on the ass that you're not paying attention--"
"but--!"
"--and when you need to hear it the most."
"..."
well yeah, okay, fine. i admit, he has a point. but don't you just hate it when someone forces you to look at an aspect of yourself and you know it's gonna hurt?
i've been hiding. quite literally. last monday was a really horrible day. i mean really horrible. at risk of sounding like i'm focusing on the bad (which i'm not) it really felt like i'd been visited by the Crap Fairy and left with a big, fat welt where she'd whacked me upside the back of my head.
so i took some time to regroup, focus on other things, and on saturday really felt like i was back where i needed to be. i know, it seems like a long time. and i realized then i'm really dealing with a whole lotta fear. i haven't made a single call to a single person who's indicated interest in my business and here it is tuesday of the following week. running into so many jerks, flakes, and out-and-out hostility did a real number on me.
it came to my attention that i'm facing a real, deep-seated fear that last week manifested as "stepping back" to "get into a better frame of mind."
but really, i was running.
i know it.
at the time i didn't, but i do now. and now that i know, i face a choice: let the fear rule me and do nothing but return to mediocrity; or face it, master it, and learn from the experience.
it's a damn shame there's no third option, because i'm really not wanting to face this thing, but i know i have to. if you're not growing, you're stagnating. if life isn't getting better, it's only getting worse. the way things move nowadays, and how fast things change, you have to change with them or are only being left behind. there is no status quo, no "holding pattern."
you're either growing, or you're not. and no growth is called "death."
no, seriously, look at that. in nature, if it's not growing, it's stagnating, dying, or already dead. and who wants to be dying or dead? corpses are left behind, so if you're not getting ahead then what are you?
a corpse?
um, ew.
so yeah. i must choose life, and growth, and evolution of my mind and spirit. and so i am faced with this great opportunity to conquer yet another thing that had heretofore ruled me without my consent. and this thing? it is fear. fear of rejection, fear of failure, but also fear of success. deep down, i believe that i won't succeed at this.
i'm sabotaging my own success and freedom, killing my own dreams.
so before, when i would have spent so much time exploring why i feel this way, where it's coming from, understanding it, and then figuring out how to overcome it...which takes a whole lotta time and energy...instead i'm just gonna forge ahead despite this and tell this fear in my subconscious to shut the hell up, i'm busy being successful and getting rich.
so there.
and it was good.
8.05.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here's a passage from Kurt Vonnegut's novel *Breakfast of Champions:* "Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." This scenario has some resemblances to what you're doing, Capricorn. Fortunately, you're much smarter than the two pieces of yeast, and so you will not do the equivalent of drowning in crap. But I bet you'll create something comparable to champagne.blah.
this took me a long time to figure out, which is kinda embarrassing. my gut reaction was, "what am i doing wrong?" it's obvious those pieces of yeast were way too in love with themselves and their pop nihilism to see they were in the process of a true transformation, that the champagne manifesting around them! of course, in the process of their creation of champagne, they would've been dead before or at-the-moment-of completion.
so while my gut reaction might've been a remnant of the old me, it was correct. the new me just had to look at it.
what i'm doing wrong is i'm failing to see the champagne manifesting around me. i'm doing things i need to do for Freedom Revolution, i'm exercising my mind and heart so it's open for my new life, i am in constant forward motion, i'm not afraid of failure because i know i'm heading into success. i've been too focused on the fact that it's not champagne yet. i've been too focused on how much of me is going into this process (a $$ amount that might make you choke) instead of focusing on what that effort and money is going to do for me.
and yes, i'll be dead before i see it. or, i'll die at the moment it finally comes into fruition.
because at the instant it finally goes from yeasty/bubbling/fermented solution to champagne, the old me stuck in the old processes will have died utterly. if your life tomorrow is a result of what you believe and do today, then those things i'm working for today are going to manifest a completely different life. my doubting self is getting weaker, balanced control is easier, and i don't flinch at dramatic and radical change. success requires me to be able to not flinch when i look at the bare truth of things.
it's a fine time to refine old goals and write new ones. it's also a fine time to get very, very clear about exactly what i'm looking for in new business partners and associates. in detail. law of attraction: if i visualize it clearly, back it up with true emotion, and tell the universe this is what i want, the universe will provide.
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