memories, dreams, and reflections

a while ago, i figured that this blog had seen its last and it was time to retire it. after all, i didn't have the time anymore to sit and listen to my subconscious and, really, to be quite honest i'd never seen nor heard hide nor hair of a baby in the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail.

not to mention i was planning on starting up a parenting blog, and i tend to drop the F-bomb on this blog quite often when it fits. when i'm in a pique, i tend to drop F-nuclear-bombs. sometimes five times in a sentence when i'm really on a roll.

and F-bombs are quite unbecoming of a crunchy, modern aboriginal mama.

however, i miss this blog. thank you, good-bye, end of story.

i.

miss.

this.

blog.

waitwait...

i.

miss.

this.

fucking.

blog.

so i'm bringing it back. i miss listening to myself. i miss my authentic self.

so it took me nine months to be reduced to physical survival. that'll happen when pregnancy nearly kills both you and the baby. fevers approaching 105 degrees, losing 35 pounds in a trimester because morning sickness decided to turn into life-threatening hyperemesis gravidarum, passing out in the kitchen, being too weak to form a sentence, emergency room visits every week. last time i had a baby, i died bringing him into the world.

a whopping ninety seconds of afterlife. gestating just doesn't agree with me. like orange juice right after brushing your teeth. or like my tia nena's baked beans.

so i can see where my heretofore rich inner life and practicing pronoia could get pushed to oblivion as i tried to just bring Little Owl to term. and then came being mama. i've been mama, diving headlong into babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, sewing diapers, learning how to do everything one-handed because Little Owl refuses to exist anywhere but on my hip as I go about housework.

i love being a mom. well, i love being Little Owl's mom. but i think i'm finally lifting my head back up to see the rest of my life in perspective. babybabybabybaby doesn't occupy my every thought, waking or sleeping, any longer.

i miss being me. i miss baking and singing and writing and visiting the Menstrual Temple. i miss my inner Funk, pronoia, and eating frogs. i miss kicking my Inner Flaming Narcissist right in the ass. i miss sneaking out at night, pomegranate priestesses, and going sacred cow-tipping. i miss brushing my hair, brezsny-on-the-blog, and mexican food.

so the blog is back.  or, rather, i'm back on the blog. expect some redecorating here in the next few weeks, maybe. this place might no longer be called iGoddess, either. not sure. not that i'm not still an iGoddess --because i am-- but iGoddess has always been about memories, dreams, and reflections.  (thank you, Jung, my hero)

welcome.

welcome to weirdness, dreams, questions, observations, and F-bombs.

welcome.

in a nutshell

you know those days where there's so much going on around you at once that you really can only hope to catch what's right in front of you?

...yeah, it's kinda like that.

not that i'm complaining. not by a long shot. if anything, i created all of this wonderful, crazy chaos around me. for the longest, End of March loomed before me as this gargantuan tidal wave curling in white-capped inevitability over me. ever closer, ever more encompassing.

last time, i'd mentioned the new job beginning. it's going really well, even after catching a lovely cold immediately before starting. yeah, that was a fun kick in the head. seriously, i'm meeting some really fun and nice people, learning a lot, and getting to know my way around the portland metro on a whole new scale. it's kinda neat.

there's also been my real estate group, which meets fairly often. we get together to discuss ROTH IRA's, tax liens, purchasing notes, and buying 100 houses in a year. i used to think that stuff was boring. wall street week was on the television a lot growing up, and i avoided anything remotely related to it like the plague. but now i'm learning a ton, and it's just so dang fascinating! learning how to manipulate the solid concept of money is pretty damn neat-o, seeing how all the pieces can come together, all the myriad ways i'm going to turn that knowledge into freedom, power, and money is an incredible rush.

i see now how i can quite literally pick and choose the path i'm going to take to be financially independent. and even now i'm seeing this ability manifesting. it's caused another small-yet-radical shift in my thinking. opportunities, probabilities, consequences, and my own abilities are shining like never before.

hence my comment earlier about how i create all in my life. there've been a few social functions and have met a lot of new people. in particular, i met someone new through an old friend of mine. of course, knowing i'm single, he all but set me up...the bugger.

...but i'm not complaining. *grin* actually, i find the whole thing rather cute. every available moment, we're together. after *m*, i gave up acknowledging my need for lots of touching.

there's something about being looked in the eye and told all those things i hold close to my heart that's...refreshing. someone's paying attention. i'm not all that difficult to read or understand.

spring term began today. and even still, i'm slightly apprehensive. i haven't set foot in a classroom in a decade. also, i'm my head i'm already feeling the time crunch. occasionally i've caught myself wondering if i've bitten off far more than i could chew, but i always end up asking when haven't i bitten off more than i could chew? and suddenly everything's okay again. nothing to do but forge ahead, and so i do. how often have i backed down from anything?

speaking of backing down...

recently i've gone through another series of character challenges, learning things about myself and being shown without doubt that i'm ready for wetter, wilder, and far more astounding challenges...whether i feel ready or not. (and i definitely do not feel ready!)

mainly, these challenges have everything to do with trust, surrender, and letting go. i know it may seem "surrender" and "letting go" are the same thing, but i assure you they're not. where surrender has everything to do with guarding my pride and protecting my ego, letting go is mostly about those deeper, earthier, long-buried aspects of the injured little girl inside.

last year i thought i had helped integrate her back into myself. and i know i did...in part. however, as i've grown outward and taken my abilities to a higher level, i've also uncovered a new trove of opportunities to strengthen my character (aka: i found more yayfun issues i need to work through).

i know i'll always be in the process of growing and learning, i know this. but part of me despairs that i'll never be truly free of the results of my abuse. the negative messages i lived with all those years were things i consumed on a phenominally deep level. it's as if my personal development were akin to cleaning out a dark, dank basement. after cleaning out the clutter, scrubbing the walls, painting, putting in some light and making it beautiful, i then find a trap door leading to an even deeper sub-basement.

and the process begins again.

whether or not i want to, whether or not i like it, i have to face it. unlike the situations i found myself in last year, there's a whole new caliber of intensity with this, and a whole new level of courage demanded of me. unfortunately, despite my rule here at iGoddess of absolute honesty and "hide nothing," i truly feel that posting it up here would be unsafe for me.

so i'm setting up a new blog here in the next couple of weeks. it will have absolutely no association with iGoddess or the Funkywild. but i'll be posting these new things there. i simply feel that it could seriously damage my reputation both at work and online as i begin to grow what will become my real estate investment empire. it's just too personal.

for all my lovely followers of iGoddess, if you would like to continue following my growth on the new blog, shoot me a personal email. there's one associated with this blog on my profile: igoddess [dot ] mail [at] gmail [dot ] com

otherwise email me with any address you have, if you happen to have one of my personal addresses.

if you're a lurker, i'm sorry. i won't be giving this new blog to anyone i don't know. but i'll still be maintaining iGoddess, just not at my former frequency. time constraints being what they are for me now --between working at Orkin, my secondary job, a third job i'll be taking here in the near future, my real estate group, and this new aspect of my life-- it's simply not possible. plus, i want to focus on these new challenges of mine.

as always, i thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered upon iGoddess. i'll continue to bring the Funkywild to all corners of the world far and wide.

it's simply time to take my growth to a whole new level.

may the Funk be with you.

the delena FAQ

this excerpt comes from an interview with Delena of the Funky Wild, by world renowned bohippian Funkmaster Boho Mom:


1. For what reasons did you decide to start a blog? Has it evolved into anything particularly different for you than you imagined?

wow. well, as my long-time readers know (all 1 of them, ha ha), i had actually begun blogging as a sort of message in a bottle. this heralds back to the days, nine-plus years ago, when i had a website up and was sort of chronicling thoughts and observations about my explorative, spiritual journey away from roman catholicism and into pagan spirituality and witchcraft. i was coding all my own html back then, and finally decided that making an account for a blog would just be easier.

i was really depressed, really confused, and lonely. but i knew there was something better out there. and like pink from the wall, i was calling, "is there anybody...out there?" it was my first verbal cries for help, for sympathy, for human connection.

over the last nine years, three blog relocations, and many self-revolutions, my verbal-slash-emotional blogspatter's become what you see before you: iGoddess, a r[E]volution of spirit, freedom, and love. a place to explore the place within me --and within you-- where the Divine Wow connects with your own Inner Funk.

we come a long way, baby.

2. Why did you choose the name "igoddess"? Is this significant to your lifestyle, your beliefs?

i chose iGoddess because that's exactly what i am. i'm a goddess, a divalicious and funktastic goddess who found herself mainly through the incarnations of her blogging. i'd tried all my life to keep diaries, journals, and private writings of every caliber. but nothing survived until i came online and began to write privately for public viewing. i know, that makes no sense. but i took the saying, "the best place to hide is right out in the open," and made it true. and i found relief and peace by letting the public read my innermost thoughts, my darkest darkness.

the internet made this possible. i was really just searching for human connection, to know i wasn't alone. so i'm an internet goddess, an iGoddess.

it's definitely significant to my beliefs. every day i wake up and know i'm a goddess in my own right, living her life among other gods and goddesses. every member of this iVillage is a goddess and god!

3. You are an incredibly talented writer.

aww, thank you! =)

Have you taken courses, or do the words come naturally to you?

both, though the words came naturally first. when i was barely three, i sat down with books and taught myself how to read. letters just made sense, and after a year fiddling around with my colorful alphabet magnets on the fridge that i received on my 2nd birthday, the letters literally just fell into place and made sense. i was writing in perfect cursive by age four, without any instruction. if i may be granted a moment of utter pride, words were always my genius.

in school, i was pretty much always in the honors and advanced placement english classes, and i took creative writing courses in college. one of my professors even recommended me as a paid tutor at the campus writing lab. i turned it down, and college, in favor of running away from the House of Repression to get married and have babies. heh, oops.

4. You've overcome many obstacles in your life to get where you are today?

yes, i have.

What's the most difficult hurdle you've had to jump over?

me. it sounds strange, but i was my most difficult hurdle. just before richard and i had our falling out, he told me that i could never be honest with anyone until i got honest with myself. however, i was so unaware of what my problem was that it actually caused a mental breakdown as i tried to figure out what i was lying about. because at the time, i was utterly convinced i wasn't lying about anything.

as i like to say, "he who is unaware is unaware he is unaware." well, i was very, very unaware.

i was too close to the problem. that was the night i fell apart in hysterical tears in my parents' living room, the night they first came through for me as loving parents. that was my turning point, my transformation. i walked away from the mystery of what i was hiding from, and was able to get better. only with a bit of distance was i then able to see what i'd been hiding from myself, what i'd been unaware of all that time.

you really can be too close to a problem to see it. and i'll always be my biggest hurdle. that's just how it's supposed to be: we're always most resistant to change, especially when it's change within ourselves. (and i'm talking "real" change here, the kind that leaves you crying in the night; not pansy-ass, tepid gestures that cowardly fucktards make)

5. What are your plans for 2009?

to get down with my Funky self!

Any changes you want to make? Any resolutions? Anything in particular you are dedicated to this year?

this year is my Year of the Funky Wow. all year long i will walk through each day asking myself, "how can i live in the spirit of the Jiggy Funk?" i'll take the signs as they come. if i need to practice more compassion, i know the Universe in all its rocktastic wisdom will send me more opportunities to practice compassion. and when it's time for more pruning, the Vulture Goddess will once more burn my heaven to the ground. and...everything in between.

my only resolution is to be open to what the Funky Wow has to teach me, to be open to the opportunities and lessons 2009 will bring my way, and live as if i know greatness is my inevitable manifestation. building on the integrity and confidence i learned in the Year of the Delena, i'm now building a close relationship with the Divine Woot!.

i've gone back to school, am searching for a better job that's a good deal out of my comfort zone, and got down and dirty serious about crochet. i've joined the league of "Chicks with Sticks," oh yeah. plus, i'm still writing. i fell in love, and for the first time ever in my life know what it is to trust, to truly love, and to have an open dialogue with my intuition. growing upward and outward now, i'm more in touch with my creativity and female powers more than ever.

omg, 30's shaping up to be an awesome year. and i finally think the real world is ready for all of the real me. those who can't handle it, who don't get it, can quite frankly eat @#*! and kiss their mama with that mouth. with me, either hit the ground running or be taken for a drag.

i only run with rockalicious Funkmasters.

-=[@]=-

thank you so much, boho mom! this was so much fun! *blows kisses*

now to the darling fans of iGoddess: it's your turn!

your mission, should you choose to accept it:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

wacky wordle whismy of wowable works

i made this over at wordle, a place where you cut-and-paste your text, or enter a URL to a site, and it will create a word cloud of the most oft-used words in the piece. the larger the word in the collage, the more it's used.

of course, i immediately thought of iGoddess. i thought for sure the largest word would be "funk" or "funky," followed closely by "iGoddess."

it was fun, though. the words jumped out at me, individual in the word cloud, but something began to happen the moment my eyes saw this funkalicious word of art. (and no, that wasn't a typo.) i began to see phrases.

phrases like, "make love," and "get funky!" and "everyone is family around you." it was incredible. then more phrases jumped out at me. "sometimes emotional" and "free opinion!" and "just one love." i especially loved "power friends" and "new living."

hell, fear, struggle, and stupid were all clustered together. then again, so were caliber, integrity, friend, strength, thankful, faith, talk, hold, and might. all together, just hangin' out like they belonged together.

"little people always want everything," jumped out at me, too. and it's totally true.

i just may have to wordle iGoddess every so often, kind of like making a bouquet of my thoughts. i do enough pruning in my life, why not make a few bouquets as well?





(PS. i just saw another one: just let love make things funky. hells yeah!)

the Year of the Delena

I declare 2009 The Year of the Funktastic Wow. two-zero-zero-eight, the Year of the Delena, draws to a close and, as i sit here well on the road to drunk, i find i'm in the perfect state of brutal honesty to go into this year in review:

we had the pleasure and singular privelege of witnessing the Great Confrontation and Bake Sale, the Night of the Great Kabloosh, and the Saddest Support Call Ever.

we also watched When Weird Giant Killer-Squids from Outer Space Attack! (which was a really freakin' weird episode...), Notes From My Pussygata, and we heard iGoddess Speak. there was also the debut of iGoddess: the Movie!

oh yeah.

we also saw a few characters leave the show. we said good-bye to *ds* and *ks*, who are making the dysfunctional, unhealthy, unbelievable choices that they --as individuals, adults, and fucktards-- are free to make. *sy* came and went with all the fanfare of a fart in the wind, and i haven't had a real relationship since.

i'm in love. damn me for it. but there it is.

so here are the 10 Things I Will Happily NEVER DO in 2009: The Year of the Funktastic Wow...

1.) Accept the things I am told I cannot change.

Your thoughts become things. Don't fight it. Don't think there's anything else. Don't entertain the false premises of fate, luck, or a God who judges, withholds, or decides. You decide. You manifest. You rule. This is why you are here. This is what you came to discover. You were born to experience your absolute dominion over every flimsy, malleable illusion of time and space; to have, do, and be anything.

Truthfully, it couldn't be any easier. All you have to do is think of what you want and refuse to deviate from that thought. This will, invariably, set you into motion, stir up the magic, and unleash the full force, power, and majesty of a Universe conspiring on your behalf.

The Universe

see? ha! ...fuckers. i can change the world. don't tell second-generation star stuff come alive what it can and cannot do!

2.) Ever. Stop. Writing.

"You know this is an endurance game. All the old playground rules still apply: you don't get picked for the team, you watch the game and come back the next day. When you're picked, forget mistakes, you've got to be better than everyone else on the field. Bloody noses and skinned knees are not an excuse to quit. And if you have the stubbornness (or stupidity) to stay in the game until the end of the day, you get to come back tomorrow and have the crap kicked out of you all over again. But: everyone else who can't stand on the sidelines, play their hearts out or take a few bruises goes home sniffling about what great players they would have been, if only the game had been fair and the other players nicer." --PBW

3.) Trust my naiveté

i've just had that lesson rubbed into my face, up my nose, in my hair, way too often.

4.) Ever give up on Love

love is the cornerstone of Pronoia, and the star-stuff that Funk is made of, baby. hippies were called love children; the summer of '69 the Summer of Love, and the greatest of These is love, man.

5.) Sacrifice my naivité

i might be stupidly naïve, but i'd rather be disappointed occasionally as i believe in people, then be bitterly cynical and RIGHT all the time...

(dammit, i mean it...no matter how much it feels like a lie...)

6.) Never stop loving everyone in my life.

and this includes people like big *c*, and willow (the first woman i ever Loved), and everyone i've ever said good-bye to. i will always love you, no matter what comes between us. i loved you. i will always love you. that's just how i was built.

7.) Give Up.

'nuff said.

8.) TBA

9.) TBA

10.) TBA

countdown, and countUP

this is iGoddess post #399. next post is whopping #400 which means...absolutely nothing. other than the fact that i've had this blog over a year and my average is less than one post a day. my first reaction is to say, "kinda blah, don'cha think?" but then again, i suppose it's better than being one of those people that talks all the time but really doesn't have anything to say. all iGoddess really is, is peeking through an open window into the inside of dee's wonderlicious and zany mind.

also...today's tuesday. T-minus 3 days and counting. maybe. details pending.

from iGoddess to you

(i'd told this to a couple of dear friends of mine, and these words came from my heart. i thought i would share them. from me, to you. because i love you more than i love you...)

now, beware. i love you, so i'm going to remind you (lovingly) that you are god, walking in the shoes of a person who looks just like you. you can fill these shoes because you are god being a person, not a person trying to be god. you are actually second-generation star stuff come alive, a shining being who thought it'd be fun to come down and play the part of You, with particular challenges like yours. like an actor on a stage, you are playing the part of Yourself and experiencing your character's trials and triumphs. you did not become your trials and triumphs, just as you did not become your emotions.

you are not depressed, nor are you in the black pit of darkness. you are not despairing, or hopeless, or any of these things. you are feeling depression. you are seeing and feeling the darkness. you are not the crude matter of your body, just as you are not the emotions or thoughts that your crude matter is feeling or thinking. like an actress playing hamlet feeling despairing, you are playing Your part. you --the real You-- is a cosmic shining being who was there before time began and will be there when it ends. this cannot touch the real you, and it cannot consume the real you.

now...

you and i both know i haven't said anything here that you didn't already know.

but still, may the Funk be with you.

resume

Delena's Heart
Main Artery
Cognitive, Spiritual, and Circulatory System

Objectives: To continue to reside in happy, healthy, and functional surroundings which encourage freedom and holistic health, with ample challenge for continuing, phenominal personal growth

Professional Experience:

(June 2008 - present) Freedom Revolution, a subsidiary of iGoddess, Inc.
Title: Founder
Duties:
- overseeing all levels of operation including marketing, advertising, secretarial, and recruitng
- overseeing all finances and funding
- changing the world by helping people wake up from their zomboid automoton lives
- offering a select few the opportunity for challenging personal growth to achieve all aspects of wealth in their lives
-- making the world a better place
Status:
Freedom Revolution is small. Financial output still exceeds income, but if wealth were measured in heart and joy in life, I'd be richer than J.K. Rowling. But the faith is there, and it's assured FR will be a one-woman megalith. Due to a change in iGoddess Inc's business policies, Freedom Revolution is open to a partnership that is equal, equitable, and will encourage FR's limitless growth.

(July 2004 – June 2008) iGoddess Inc. DBA Delena Global
Title: Independent Goddess Consultant
Duties:
- Owning my womanhood
- Reclaiming independence
- Being slave to no business other than my own
Reason for Leaving:
Delena Global was small, and small-minded. The business plan was inefficient and delusional. Output exceeded income due to the foundations of the faulty business planVacations, weekends, and overtime/holiday pay was nonexistent. There was unlimited potential for growth, income, and philanthropy, however the business model made it ineffectual. And under the then-current P&P of iGoddess Inc., the possibility of acquiring a new partner was nil. iGoddess Inc. was not into acquisitions. A long-term position with a sadly misguided company was not possible.

(August 2004 - present) iGoddess, Inc.
Title: Founder (following a revolutionary breakthrough)
Duties:
- Personal responsibility
- Challenging myself toward personal growth daily
- Being a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk
- Upholding Freedom wherever I can
- Living with Honesty at all times
- Being in alignment with myself, my dreams, and my desires, and surrounding myself only with things that encourage this alignment
- Providing avenues and opportunities for others to come into alignment with themselves and achieve their dreams
- Being a representative of the Funky Jive and an example of how to live in harmony with one's own Inner Funk
Status:
iGoddess Inc. has a great new look, and a new plan and business model to show for it! We have raised our standards tremendously to match our dreams, rather than lowering our dreams to match a misguided and limited perception of possibility. Partnerships are welcome and encouraged now, but only those in keeping with the newer, higher standards of conduct, ability, and mentality of iGoddess' independent contractors. iGoddess encourages growth and abundance, truth, freedom and love above all.

(January 1979 - August 2004) The CODAWAA Union, The Conglomerate of Dysfunctional and Woman-Abusive Ass-Souls; in co-operation with Corporate America
Title: Employee/Servant
Duties:
- Made to feel weak through use of authority/power-over
- Mindlessly do what I was told
- Feel guilty and unworthy whenever underperforming as a flawless, mindless automoton (e.g. show any individuality or humanity)
- Have no dignity through authority's ability to convince me I wasn't needed or wanted unless I was zomboid and overproductive.
- Feel overwhelming pride and gratitude when tossed a bone or given a pat on the head
- Endure humiliation
- Endure being treated like a meaningless cog in a wheel
(*the above list was taken from the model of a POW camp, although it bears striking resemblance to Corporate America and dysfunctional relationships. think about it.)
Reason for leaving:
The position no longer fit with my worldview, nor was my endurance for such worker treatment limitless. At some point, extreme duress triggers a breakthrough of consciousness. I no longer
believed in nor fit within the current model.

Education:

The Universal School of Hard Knocks, GWA 1.159 and candidate for Magna Cum Laude until it was discovered I was mis-enrolled
The Jiggy Snake's Funktastical, Mind-Blowing, and Action-Packed Study Courses only at Astral University, Pass with Orgasmic Colors (pass/fail only)
The Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail, attendance ongoing

Major Accomplishments:
- Broke out of the employee/servant mentality
- Took responsibility for my thoughts and emotions
- Dared to dust off my dreams and reach for them
- Rejected the life of mediocrity and embraced a life of excellence
- Turned away from the limiting collective unconsciousness of the sleeping masses and embraced the liberated and revolutionary mentality of abundance
-Accepted my role as an example for the Funky Wow
- Took up the mantle of a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter
- I woke up

Strengths:
- So strong nothing disturbs my peace of mind
- Make all my friends feel there is something worthwhile in them
- Believe and talk of health, wealth, and prosperity to everyone I meet
- I create my optimism and make it happen
- To think of, work for, and expect only the best
- Rejoice in other's successes as well as my own
- The ability to learn from the mistakes of the past, let them go, and embrace the possibilities in the future
- I smile at everyone I see
- Give so much time to improving myself I have no time to criticize others
- Too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, too happy to permit the presence of trouble
- To think well of myself and show the world through great deeds
- Remaining true to the best that is within me

what delena's been up to

there's been a revolution taking place here at iGoddess, and i know there've been a few of you scratching your heads wondering just where it's come from, what i've been doing, and what i've been on.

to quote that totally cheesy cliché, i'm just high on life, baby! =)

but honestly, there's been a lot going on this last month. a lot. and i've been up to my eyeballs devoting so much of myself to these new changes, challenges, and commitments. i think the results have been more than obvious here, and the inner transformations that have been taking place.

everyone knows that iGoddess, in many of its incarnations, has been devoted to real personal growth. not to harp on the past, but i had a very challenging childhood and adolescence. there were a lot of obstacles and traumas that had stacked life unfavorably for me, and i've dedicated my life to overcoming all of that and being the person i've always wanted to be.

well, now i've made it a business.

my business...

...that i work from home...

...and i quit the grooming job to do it.

that's how much i believe in what i'm doing now. on the 16th, i went in to work and gave my notice. this is my vacation right now, but after a few weeks of part time that's gonna be it. i'm done there. instead of worrying or gritting my teeth about that great-job-turned-toxic-relationship and riding it out until it devours me from the inside out as the old me would have done, i just put it down and walked away. i put it down, walked away, and devoted myself to building something i believe in so strongly i've walked away from a dependable paycheck.

me. me! i mean, sheesh. remember when i couldn't let go of a petty insult, let alone letting go of a career that once made me so proud? and i just let it go.

and i've been so high on this empowerment, just riding the thermals i've discovered in the realm of belief in myself and in the universe. i think i've conveyed a little of that in my posts the last few weeks.

i made the decision to truly live my life as Delena of the Funkywild. i made the choice to truly be a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk. i made the commitment to myself to Be a successful leader, Do the things a successful leader would do, and Have the things a successful leader would have. it may seem cheesy to a pop nihilist, but i really do watch that movie i made every day when i wake up, before i go to bed, and several times in between; i meant what i said about coming into alignment with myself and i practice it; i wrote affirmations on post-its and have them all over my bathroom mirrors, and i do read them aloud whenever i'm in there (which is great when i'm putting on make-up!); i recite "the optimist's creed" by christian d. larson every day; i listen to holosync every night before going to bed; i work my own personal development product --workbook and journaling-- every day; i start every day with a business conference call that lifts me up, gets my head on straight, and is better than a cup of morning coffee.

in fact, it's replaced my morning caffeine. and i make that phone call without getting out of bed unless i feel like it!

yes, it sounds like a lot, but most of these only take a few minutes out of my day. and considering how crazy and busy things can get in life, i can't afford not to take the time to get myself in the right frame of mind. and it's only attracted so much positivity and abundance into my life, and has truly opened doors of opportunity for me. i've left everything behind that didn't serve me and propel me further in my mission to better myself, help others, and manifest every good thing i could ever dream of having in my life.

if it doesn't lift me up, it simply isn't in my life anymore. in fact, anything that drags you down --from people to jobs to your own thoughts-- is pretty dang useless if you ask me.

this included the grooming job, so i dropped it.

welcome to the Freedom Revolution, baby.

woot!

Happy 300th Post, iGoddess!

actually, this is post #302, but two posts ago, iGoddess broke three hundred, baby, woo! and what was the post? this so rocks...the post was one of GRATITUDE!!!

how funkalicious is that? yay, me! we've come a long way, baby. i was tempted, for a whopping two seconds, to post snippets of where i was this time last year, and perhaps a few years ago. then i thought, "why? Delena of the Funkwild is not that person anymore!" i'm sitting here enjoying purely vegitarian dhaal and limewater while sitting and bs'ing with my lovely, rockin' siblings, just got out of a wickedly delicious shower after a fantasmic day at work...

...and i'm looking forward to a week-long vacation, baby, woo!

and after that? i'm going to part-time: saturdays and sundays only, while supplies last.

life effing rocks, i swear. and so, to celebrate all of this Funktastic, wonderlicious stuff, i present to you a bit of humor with a sweet surprise (aka "a lesson") packed away inside. kinda like a kinderegg, only for your eyes...

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Capricorn? Now that we're halfway through 2008, let's take an inventory. Your self-image is in the midst of an exhilarating expansion, right? Your excitement about being alive is growing steadily, right? Your devotion to cultivating an inner sense of freedom is getting more intense every day, right? You have an ever-increasing clarity about what life experiences you need in order to feel powerful, right? If you're falling short in any of these projects, start making up for lost time immediately.


so let's take an inventory. having ascended from the crucible of my life of which the Year of Secrets was the final chapter, the Year of the Delena was to be defined by wetter, wilder, and more interesting challenges. let's see how i've done:

1.) Q. my self-image is in the midst of an exhilarating expansion, right?
A. right

2.) Q. my excitement about being alive is growing steadily, right?
A. right

3.) Q. my devotion to cultivating an inner sense of freedom is getting more intense every day, right?
A. right

4.) Q. i have an ever-increasing clarity about what life experiences i need in order to feel powerful, right?
A. ri-- ...wait, huh?


hmm. i seem to be falling short in this area. i'm completely on the right track. before mr. brezsny's horoscope came to me, direct from the televisionary oracle straight into my e-mailbox, i blogged about my theme song, crazywhacked love for ALL creation, and just how freakin' in love i am with my life!

my mental uplink with the PNN grows stronger by the day.

however, feeling powerful? i've never really given it much thought. i suppose power, in my own mind, would translate into influence over things and an ability to shape things according to my will. this, in essence, is magic and the heart of what it is to be Witch: the exercise of will to manifest change.

i've had a few inklings, i suppose, but i don't know that i'd call it an "ever-increasing clarity" about what life experiences i'd need in order to feel "powerful." maybe i'd call it an intuitive feeling about what experiences i need. then again, i think less about power and more about achievement, the feeling of success (and my definition thereof), and the ability to lead my life as i wish.

then again, i suppose my definition of power would be the ability to lead my life as i wish. the freedom to lead the lifestyle i truly desire is a sort of power: power over my own life. and, to take this idea further, i suppose that "freedom" would be the direct opposite of "security," so there would be some risk involved, i know, in having the life experiences needed in order to procure my own powerbase. then again, perhaps "risk" is the wrong word.

after all, this is iGoddess! there is no risk, only adventure!

how often do i jump into things and people dig their fingernails into the arms of their chairs as they watch me plummet headfirst into whatever i've thrown myself into? i have the freedom of my own heart, and it gives me the power to do those sorts of things. and i always land on my feet, in the end.

meow.

true, a little security is a good thing. i love the security of my family and friends. but, as we've discovered here at the iGoddess, the security i feel living with my family has trapped me in the roomate lifestyle when i know i'd be so much freer living alone. the more security you have, the less freedom.

look at the people who have "maximum security." ...think about it. they live behind bars, wear orange jumpsuits (or blue, grey, whatever), and have men with high-powered scope rifles patrolling the perimeter making sure they never escape that security.

think about it.

i'd rather have freedom. utter freedom, the limits of which are only reached by my own morals and the generosity of my unquenchable spirit. oh, the possibilities of what i could do and achieve! THAT is power!

...so i have an idea of what power is to me. i suppose i always did; i just never thought about it. but the life experiences required in order to feel powerful?

...actually, a few things have actually been popping up in the last two-or-so weeks. i've just been eyeballing them very carefully. when someone opens their hand and offers you a portal to another world, no matter how adventurous and unquenchable you are, you're gonna look at it sidelong for a bit. part of me can't believe they're for real, these things, but i suppose i've only been getting accustomed/acquainted within myself with these radical new things before i finally take the plunge.

because you know i will...

what's that word again?

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afflatus

"most gods throw dice but Fate plays chess,
and you don't find out 'till too late that [s]he's been playing
with two queens all along."
--terry pratchett


one of my biggest pet peeves is being misunderstood simply because someone else is too ignorant to consider asking me for clarification. i'm like my sister *cc*; there are some days when i sincerely believe fucktards should be wiped from the face of the earth. i could go into examples, like when my older bio-sister *k* read an entry on my blog years ago that pissed her off. i haven't spoken to her since. she was a fucktard that day. or like now, with my schedule at work fucked over because my mgr. heard what she wanted to hear instead of what i was saying. i hate that.

of course, i simply can't stand being misunderstood, period. so much shit happens when the ignorant take action. look at the US government.

i say this only because i feel the need to clarify something about myself: i am not a superstitious, fundamentalist pagan who believes we are mindless pawns in a titan game of chess. i am, however, aware there is more influencing our lives than we can cognitively perceive. i believe in reincarnation and that we are pieces of the universe trying to figure itself out, trying to learn the big lessons; that we are fragments of the AllSoul growing closer to itself by splitting apart and exploring the miracles of the mortal palette.

Infinity had so much Love that it had to share it with someone. but Infinity was alone, so It split apart and invented Creation because only in a finite state could such illusory concepts as "love," "loyalty," and "partnership" become real. i would say that it's amazing how, after a few millennia, everything begins to look the same...except that after that much time has passed, nothing will have the ability to surprise, amaze, or fascinate you. it's all the same, and those wonderful things like "happiness" and "devotion" have become gift-wrapped packages with nothing inside them. even the brightness of the wrappings will have faded.

Infinity was bored, and lonely (only after that much time, It had become so accustomed to Its own company that even loneliness had faded), and wanted to recapture those wonderful things it knew In the Beginning. for In the Beginning, there was light and It Was Good.

and so the AllSoul shut its eyes, focused Its will, and all the energy contained within Infinity went BANG! and the Jiggy Snake went, "WEE!"

Dichotomy was born.

for when Grey splits apart, a horde of spectra come into being, each with its own set of twins sitting on opposite ends, facing off. and Dichotomy had children of Its own (for Dichotomy was a full hermaphrodite): the twins Light and Dark, the twins Joy and Sorrow, the twins Hate-Love and Indifference, Hope and Despair...

and this big bang jostled Time out of her slumber. and She said, "if I am to measure all things, I must have points of reference. if there is to be a Genesis in all things, there must be a Terminus."

with this statement, the final children of the AllSoul came from the place where They had been waiting. "that is Our domain," said Life and Death.

and thus were mortals blessed as the luckiest beings in existence. and by "mortals," i don't just mean humankind, either. anything that's born, lives, and dies hit the jackpot in this little experimental snowglobe called Creation. pachyderms have the strongest sense of family of any mammal i know. dogs have cornered the market on devotion and loyalty. swans, whales, and wolves understand commitment better than 97% of the rest of the mammal kingdom. dolphins invented play...

the children of Dichotomy began to develop facets of themselves when humans began to give them names. humans have the ability to focus thoughts and energy with such constancy that, over time, that focus manifests into reality. how else do you explain the gods having different names in different regions, being so similar but having slight differences based on culture, and yet each god is alive and well and active in that place? humans create the gods just as much as the gods create humans.

and every time we are reborn, being that we are pieces of the All learning more about Itself, we choose which lessons we'll learn the next time around. we place ourselves in the best possible positions to learn those lessons. every person, every event in our lives is there because we have called them there. what we choose to do with them is up to us. that's why i always look for the lesson.

that's not to say the gods don't take an interest in certain specimens of the human experience. we resonate better with some more than others. sometimes there are those humans who've been working with certain dieties over the course of lifetimes. Fate has a certain amount of influence over us, as does Her brother, Free Will. as do Chance and Order, Good and Evil, Fries or a Side Salad...

and at any point in time, we are always free to break the protective glass, flip open the switch covering, and slam on the big red button that says, "I Change My Mind."

. . . . . *blink*

. . . . . . *blinkblink*. . . . . .













--- *long pause* ---

i think that's just about where i am right now. i'm looking at the button, i'm holding the baseball bat, but i can't quite bring myself to break the protective glass just yet.

just shut the hell up

have you ever come to the sudden realization that you've forgotten how to be alone with yourself? or, worse yet, that you find yourself such reprehensible company that you refuse to be alone with yourself?

music is my constant company lately. i've never been without a book to read, not since forever, but now? if there's even one spare minute, i'm cracking open my book and not allowing myself a moment to think. i've avoided touching the heartbreaking work of staggering genius like one avoids touching a dead spider squished on the bottom of a shoe. when i'm bored with reading, i pop in a movie or play oblivion. i leave little room for thought lately.

the other day *m* wrote me a letter, and damn him for his timing. sometimes i wonder why the human species can't just love and not hurt one another. but it seems the deeper we love, the harder we hurt.

not just that, but i saw yesterday how *sy* and i will end and there's nothing for it but to let it play itself out. at least i see this one coming. the other day i was talking with one of the girls from the salon, and i was talking about how all my relationships worked until they didn't work anymore. her point was that, in the end, none of them ever worked so there was no point in me giving them validation.

what she doesn't understand is that everything works, everything lasts, until the day it doesn't. nothing is made to last. and on a long enough timeline, the life expectancy of everyone drops to zero.

whenever i let myself think too much, i can feel my pragmatism and experience telling me to just let go of hope, as it hasn't served me at all save to set me up for devastation later. it wars with something idiotic and naive within me, some small voice that i can't kill, that continues to fight to hold on to hope. but no matter that it's apparent *m* and i still love each other, we're not a good match. and *sy* and i are already stamped with an expiration date. yet i still find myself waiting up for whenever *m* gets home just because i hate being so damn lonely. i look forward to my evenings with *sy*, because at least it means arms around me while i sleep.

didn't i say peace would be a long time coming? i find i simply cannot embrace the prospect of a life alone. if there were a convent dedicated to the service of lilith, i would drop everything and join it. or i wish i could drop everything --the magic, the striving for evolution, the calling to learn and serve my goddess as i may-- and just become one of the herd, with no thoughts of higher aspirations. i wish i could just forget this pointless longing.

and i'm restless. one thing about myself i've very rarely touched upon is my cravings as a submissive. for those familiar with the BDSM world, i am wholly a submissive. it's not about sex at all, but it is about love. it's about trust. it's about a song in the blood, a song of safety and unmitigated surrender, an echo of need and response. my particular favorite is the flagellum, a deep thud i feel all the way through my bones. a part of me needs this, and perhaps twice a year i grow restless and despairing in my craving. it's like a cat in heat, only my need is much more subtle if no less powerful.

the fine line is, ironically, administering to myself isn't like masturbation so much as it's like self-injuring. my struggles with such were chronicled over a year ago in another blog, and in yet another blog during my time in houston. again, perhaps not so ironically, the key is in the connection with another person...but not just anyone. quite rare, indeed, to find someone who would be both lover and dominant. more than likely the two would be separate.

however, this blog wasn't so much a lament as the fact i'll never find a partner, as it was my struggles with coming to grips with that fact while, inconveniently, my other craving decided to rear its seldom-seen head at just this moment. the subject might be uncomfortable for most. after all, how many can say they actually enjoy getting the crap beaten out of them? but for those of us who understand, it's somewhat of a transcendental experience and i'm not quite complete without it. thank all the gods the craving comes seldom. i've learned how to weather it. it's just one more thing i know i'll just have to accept living without.

hence why i don't like my own company right now. too much acceptance of deprivation of things that make me fundamentally myself. how much am i going to have to deny?

love is illusion.
all of life is illusion.
it all comes to naught.

and i've forgotten how to remember

my blogs tend to have their own cycle, as with every thing in the multiverse.

first i'm honest. then i'm too honest. then i wonder if i should tone it down a bit. then i start to hold back. then i get frustrated (or disgusted) with myself and return to plain honesty, damn the torpedoes.

fuck the torpedoes.

quite honestly, the last post in which you were able to read the pure, unadulterated, completely honest delena was back on august 9th with the post venus envy. that's, um...that's kinda sad. but *m* read it and got all hurt and insulted, so to spare his feelings i began to hold back. i also began to do the "cup is half full" thing, hoping to cheer him up and show him, "see? delena's positive about this fucking move thing."

but since i'm getting tired of this pansy-ass beating around the bush, saying-it-without-really-saying-it, trying to put the best face on everything bullshit, and since *m* doesn't even read this fucking blog anymore anyway, i'm going back to saying what i want to say, when i want to say it, and how i fucking want to say it, godsfuckingdammitall.

the Funk is still MIA in my life, but i realize now it's because i've forgotten how to be alone with myself, how to meditate and really focus on listening to the multiverse. i used to be able to listen to the breeze and laugh at the sacred puns it whispered to the grass, or breathe the sunshine, see happiness in each maple leaf, and fuck gravity. i used to go to the gym every morning and while my body was running four miles on the elliptical machine, my consciousness was a pearlescent white dragon riding the thermals out to the coast and beyond, to the place where lilith had built D'hainu.

the Funk is MIA because i've forgotten how to be honest with myself. i've been thinking all these thoughts, feeling all these feelings, and i've been choking them down the way you choke down godawful roast beef at your mother-in-law's house so you don't hurt anybody's feelings. i've been choking on only the gods know how much, just so i don't hurt, or annoy, or piss off *m*. or anyone else, for that matter.

and in the meantime i've been dying for a shot of antifreeze with an arsenic chaser.

the last time we talked on the phone was this past saturday night, just about a full week ago. i finally told him i didn't want to talk to him until i'd had a chance to bury a lot of things, and bury them deep. he obviously doesn't want to hear about them because all he does is get defensive and start attacking me, going on about how he's got all this stress too and basically i have no right to feel the way i do.

like he's uprooting his fucking perfect life to move five hundred miles away? like hell.

but this past week, i've sent him text messages when *i* felt like it, and haven't spoken to him when i didn't feel like it. and this past week has probably been the least stressful, least nightmarish that i've had probably since the beginning of august. i've actually laughed out loud.

i know.

i've been singing in the car again. i find i crack myself up with my old, random delena thoughts that i used to have all the time. i find i'm once again capable of simply enjoying the beauty of a gorgeous portland day. and yes, while all my dogs for the past two weeks have all been absolute shits on my table --biting me, growling, making it virtually impossible to groom them-- i find i still love my job. i've been chatty and witty, joking and friendly at work again. i went out the other night to celebrate the 21st birthday of one of the girls at my salon. and downtown? i was getting off the MAX and complimented a perfect stranger simply because i totally loved her skirt.

it's, like, i've been the old me. you remember her? Delena of the Funkywild? i'd so totally forgotten about her.

and yesterday my weird cravings for all-things-bad-for-me disappeared, like, instantly. i'm eating healthily again. yes, i now need to break my new caffeine habit (bad chemical dependency, bad!), but that's easily done. my dreams have returned, too. i really missed dreaming.

however, i still love *m*. actually, i think i might actually love him more now than i've had a chance to thus far. he's human, ergo a fucktard. we're all fucktards when stupid emotions drive us to do stupid things. i know i have a great, long list of instances when i was guilty of being a fucktard. hell, i've even done time as Queen of the Fucktards. doesn't mean i love *m* any less. actually, now that my mind has had a bit of time to quiet down, i can hear the song my love has still been singing all this time, it's just been too quiet to be heard above the din of my crazy, stressed-out howling. with big *c*, my love song was completely drowned out by the din of my hatred, contempt, and rat-crazy human deprivation. i've taken the time to let my inside quiet down, and i can still hear my love, singing away.

i've been able to sit down and admit that yes, i now have no good reason to move at all, other than the simple fact i want to demonstrate i still support his decision to resign from the police force. if i were to say, "nope, not movin'. you can come to portland instead," that would just make him feel like a total failure, which isn't my objective. and that, simply put, is now my only reason for moving. it isn't a strong reason, or even a good reason, but it's my reason. would i love it if he just volunteered to move instead of me? yes, absolutely. do i hope he would? stupidly, i do. i wish he could be so selfless. but i will never ask him to do that, because i know how much uprooting your whole life just sucks ass. but he hasn't volunteered, and i know he won't. he's going to wait for me to ask, which he knows i will never do, so he's kind of safe and i know he knows it. and so...i'm moving.

i've worked this whole week on burying my resentment. he asked me to move, and i said i would. but then so many things changed, things that seriously were the foundation of my agreement to move...like the fact he used to be a cop, and he used to be part of their S.W.A.T. team. and now he's not. but a good woman stands by her man and supports him, so i'm going to fuck myself and move anyway. yeah, i'm resentful as hell. it doesn't help that when i'm angry, or stressed-out, or panicking again, or afraid, i can't come to *m* with it because he gets all defensive and wishes i'd just drop it and change the subject, pretend i'm all happy and everything's okay. last time i was in that kind of relationship, i bore the guy a child, almost died from it, then dumped his ass and have been spending the rest of my life feeling contempt for the pussy little fuckwit.

i don't know what to do here anymore. it's stupid, i know, but i'm actually hoping things improve after i move and we're actually, y'know, together. it's a stupid hope, i know, but it's all i have. *m*'s behavior doesn't exactly fill my heart with invincible joy. i'm burying things that should be freely breathing beneath the golden sun and growing silver in the moon. but instead i'm planting the seed of a festering disease and i know it. but *m* doesn't want to hear it. the man who said he loved to listen to anything i had to say, who said he loved my strong independence and ability to tell it like it is...doesn't want to hear it. what else am i supposed to do with it?

credendo vides

iGoddess has seen the Year of Secrets, the Week of Juxtapositions and the Land of Simultaneous Opposites, and the body of my enemy --*jd*-- floating by in the river. iGoddess has tasted miracle concentrate and the dust of the bones of my antepasados. iGoddess has taken the vows of the revolutionary freedom fighter for truth, beauty, and Funk. iGoddess has answered the clarion call of the pronoiac. iGoddess has visited the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail. iGoddess has lived through delena facing and embracing her greatest fear: Love.

these past couple of weeks have actually been a very trying time for me, and i wonder that i could have done so much better in how i dealt with it. however, i am rather ashamed to say that i let my inner flaming narcissist run away with me. i cared more about my own pain and confusion rather than rising above it to be there for *m*, who has so quickly become my funkiest groovemate. while i'm proud to say that i never withdrew from those who love me, i didn't trust myself enough to avoid talking and posting the fear and hypocrisy i could feel coiling in my belly. hence why i posted the EBS.

iGoddess isn't about self-pity, or letting insecurity surmount upon itself. if i couldn't keep my grip on the Funk...if i couldn't keep my focus on pronoia and my duties as a revolutionary freedom fighter...i simply had no place saying anything at all for a while.

i let my own weakness and love for my pain blind me to the simple fact that i was being snotty and uncommunicative. i fell into old habits brought on by simple fear. and it was stupid fear: fear of leaving this place. leaving home, leaving my parents, leaving *cc* and *mj*, leaving everything i've built that i love, leaving the land itself which i've loved like a part of me.

but portland will not run its fingers through my hair, or kiss my forehead when i'm falling asleep. portland won't make me laugh so hard i snort my drink up my nose, or be that warm presence in bed beside me. portland won't eat the dinner i've spent all evening in the kitchen preparing, or encourage me when work's been stupid and filled with drama.

having *m* so close by these last two weeks really makes his absence that much more achingly apparent now. it also taught us quite a few things about ourselves, i think, and about each other as individuals and as a pair.

we learned that while we find the other easy to talk to, and we have a lot to talk about, we need to learn how to talk to each other. more importantly, we need to learn how to hear what the other is really saying. at one point, after a week of our cold war, i finally forced myself to ask myself how it would affect me if i suggested *m* go home alone. sure, it would have been easier, and i could have chalked it up to originally not really wanting a relationship anyway. it would have been the best excuse to not even consider moving out of portland. if we couldn't even spend a week together without falling into the arguments we had, into the patterns that were oh-so familiar to me after my time with big *c* (hence adding to my panic), how on the Funk's green earth could we ever hope to survive in the same apartment together?

and i was forced to admit it would hurt vastly worse to be without *m* than facing the silly pain of whatever stupid crap we were dealing with at the time. hence, i had to admit i couldn't lose him. i love him, and want a life with him.

it was humbling.

the deeper implications being that --no matter what-- i was moving to idaho. of course, after i realized i couldn't be without him, talking about and planning this move became much easier. my practical side returned to the helm, so to speak.

spending four days down there, apartment hunting and meeting *m*'s friends, also taught me a few things to like about idaho. of course, they all center around the future, but i suppose that fits with the way i am. once i really let go of something, i don't look back. it's the letting go i've always had a problem with, but that's old news.

we reconciled, and it felt so good not to have that tension between us anymore. it felt good just to hold him.

we talked and planned. future hatchlings even came up several times in conversation and planning. at one point, he even called them by name...which sort of amazed and surprised me. usually it's the female who's most eager to begin nesting.

y'know, a short while ago i said:
i'm bigger, shinier, funker, and more beautiful than i've ever been and i know it.

the rest of this year will be used to finish up and close this particular chapter in my life. i'm ready for something funkywild and new. so i say again:

bring it!

when we call, the multiverse answers. i wasn't specific, and "something funkywild and new" took the form of a funktastically amazing relationship and a move to Bum Funk Nowhere. maybe i should have been more specific. or maybe i wasn't meant to be.

in my horoscope this week, mr. brezsny told me it's Big Wild Prayer Week for me, prayer being an intention to align my emotions and thoughts with the highest possible good. so, in light of the recent attack of my inner flaming narcissist, the temporary seige of the apocolypse and my momentary failure to my duty as a revolutionary freedom fighter, i say this prayer...

"die, apocalypse, die! i swallow you down and break you up into your most basic elements so i may then use those materials to continue to construct myself into the funkiest groovemate worthy of both myself and my sweet baboo, and thereby kill the apocalypse within me by transforming my shadow self into constructive expressions of the Funkalicious Jive! i shall endeavor to find equality, equilibrium, and interdependence with my sweet groovemate in order to allow him to manipulate me as much as i manipulate him, so that we both may work our magic on each other and manifest all of our potential!

amen. a-woman. ommmmm... and hallelujah."

radical intimacy means we kill the apocalypse at the source.
(robert brezsny, the televisionary oracle, pg. 355)

salvation a la mode, and a cup of tea...

y'know, i didn't even realize it when i posted it, but i hit a milestone the other day. iGoddess has seen 100 posts! huzzah! and it was my "declaration of independence" which was the 100th post here. how awesome is that? definitely significant.

anyway, so i realized something today. i had an inkling, but it was percolating in the back of my brain and wasn't really anything to which i could give words. there was a lot of positive response to my declaration of independence, but something still sat wrongly in my gut about it. i really don't like saying, "fuck you!" to anybody. it's harsh, but i couldn't think of any other way to say what i wanted to, which is more of a "back the fuck off," rather than a "fuck off." y'know? i know what i'm doing more than anyone ever gives me credit for. most of the time, however, it's intuition and other things i can't put to words, so it looks like i'm doing something for no other reason than i'm stupid.

which i'm most definitely not.

because i'm not trying to be defiant or rebellious. i'm simply free, irrepressible, passionate. don't take hold of my sleeve to hold me back, because i will turn back to look at you and then pause only long enough to shake you off before jumping off the cliff to fly.

i've always been that way. even my physical eyes have always been farsighted, and my brain has always been able to see into the future through many possibilities. i've been called the "contingency queen" many, many times. i'm a phenominal planner. when i know what i want, i know many paths are possible to get to where i want to be, and it's a talent of mine: finding how to have my cake and eat it, too, and can intimately plan every step of the way.

there's nothing wrong with cake. "you can't have your cake and eat it, too" is a phrase created by the doomsaying apocalypticians of the phallocracy. pleasure is inherently evil, they say, and not to be trusted. feel guilt instead of pleasure, feel shame when you're naked, and feel uncomfortable when things are going right.

they're the ones who take hold of our sleeves when we're about to fly, trying to hold us to the ground with them. they're the ones who will even go so far as to sabotage opportunity, fill us with doubt, and guilt-trip us into believing gravity cannot be defied.

and yet i'd sat down earlier today with mr. brezsny over a cuppa tea, and this is what he said to me:

"According to Argentinian writer Jorge Luis Borges, Judas was actually a more exalted hero than Jesus. He unselfishly volunteered to perform the all-important villain's role in the resurrection saga, knowing he'd be reviled forever. It was a dirty job that only a supremely egoless saint could have done. Jesus suffered, true, but enjoyed glory and adoration as a result.

"Let's apply this way of thinking to the task of understanding the role that seemingly bad people play in pronoia.

"Interesting narratives play an essential role in the universal conspiracy to give us exactly what we need. All of us crave drama. We love to be beguiled by twists of fate that unfold the stories of our lives in unpredictible ways. Just as Judas played a key role in advancing the tale of Christ's quest, villains and con men and clowns may be crucial to the entertainment value of our personal journies.

"Try this: Imagine the people you fear and dislike as pivotal characters in a fascinating and ultimately redemptive plot that will take years or even lifetimes for the Divine Wow to elaborate."

now, this made me think of soulmates, and the ultimate lessons we all come down, lifetime after lifetime, to learn. everything is here in our lives because we have put it there; what we choose to do with it is up to us. many people in our lives are present because we agreed upon it beforehand. the lessons we came to learn, the interactions, even those trespasses we have committed against others as well as those against ourselves by others were nothing more than pre-agreed-upon scripts we wrote ages ago and are now playing out

whether to learn a lesson that's on our cosmic syllabus, to even-out karma, or because we felt it would be a grand-funky adventure, it's there because we have put it there. that's not to say there's no such thing as serendipity or providence, but even those things of chance are there because we drew them there.

our thoughts, after all, manifest the universe.

mr. brezsny took a sip of his tea and complimented the lemon curd i'd made for the scones, then continued. "There is another reason to love our enemies," he said. "They force us to become smarter. The riddles they thrust in front of us sharpen our wits and sculpt our souls. Try this: Act as if your advesaries are great teachers. Thank them for how crucial they've been in your education."

i thought of dizzy then. she said that having a shitty mother forced us to become strong and self-reliant, which can be a double-edged sword. i have to agree. i can only speak for myself, but having shitty, shitty bio-parents only sharpened my own strength and independence, intelligence, and resourcefulness. i'd never have learned to land on my feet if my bio-father hadn't thrown me on my back so many times.

now, my agility is astounding. physical, mental, and practical.

i don't waste time nursing my hurts now, wasting valuable time being too vulnerable to recover and keep going. i don't find someone to cry to. i don't freeze when trouble hits, but instead hit the ground running and take care of the problem myself. most times, those people closest around me don't even know anything's gone wrong until after the crisis is passed. for those abilities, i suppose i really do have my bio-mother to thank. i'd never have been so independent, versatile, flexible, and capable if she'd actually given enough of a shit about me to help me figure things out when i was a scared, confused pubescent girl.

but, alas, it is a double-edged sword, as dizzy also said. i might have the strength to take a massive beating and keep going, but i also don't know when to stop. a large part of me has forgotten how to identify my body's and spirit's limits...simply because i had to get up and keep going, again and again, world without end.

i also have a very difficult time asking for help, or even realizing i might need it. i don't know how to receive kind behavior, like should someone want to hold a door open for me. i've always held open my own doors, pulled out my own chairs, slain my own dragons. there was no one to watch my back, and quite honestly i don't know how to be any other way. and no one's ever shown me. that dog bite i got a few weeks ago? yeah, i got it because i put myself at risk so that another one of the groomers wouldn't be bitten. i'll take the hit myself, and i've been like that since time out of mind. and i don't know how to feel anything other than guilt or failure should someone actually do likewise for me. i'm used to being the only target out there.

double-edged swords...




"Consider one more possibility," he said, polishing off my last lemon scone. "Imagine that the evolution of your life or our culture is like a pregnancy: It needs to reach full term. Just as a child isn't ready to be born after five months of gestation, the new world we're creating has to ripen in its own time. The recalcitrant reactionaries who resist the inevitable birth are simply making sure that the far-seeing revolutionaries don't conjure the future too suddenly. They serve the greater good."

my scone lodged in my throat. i tried to wash it down with the last of my earl grey, but my throat glued itself to the gummy scone and i choked and sputtered instead.

THIS was what i'd been trying to get at! somewhere, in the back of my brain, i'd been struggling to find the exact words mr. brezsny had just dropped into my lap. in pronoia, the universe gives us exactly what we need exactly when we need it, including the bad guys and bad things that happen when they happen. they're the whetstone upon which we are sharpened, but for what purpose? only we can figure that out. why? because we have drawn them there, and we need whatever it is even the Big Bad has to give us.

even those that stand on the sidelines and call me a fool for existing so thoroughly in my Passion. they'll never stop me from finding my passion, from living and being everything that is Delena of the Funkywild, but they'll serve the Big Picture of Fingerpainting Awesomeness that the Funky Wow hangs like a mural in the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail. they'll help ensure that the far-seeing, dream-filled, revolutionary Passion gods and holy succubi don't go crashing into the future with such thunder it triggers the sundering of this plane of existence due to 6.6 billion people all crying out in a Funky, bombastic, phantasmagoric supernova of blinding bliss as the psychedelic mushroom cloud explodes in all their brains all at once.

their recalcitrance is necessary for the very fabric of reality to hold on to itself. the eagerness of the far-seeing revolutionary dreamers is such that it would rip the world apart with the power of creation, like a blade of grass punching through concrete, only Cosmic.

now THERE is passion!

thus is pronoia: everyone and everything is necessary and therefore to be loved. revolutionaries, pronoiacs, philanthropists and peacemakers, as well as gas company moguls and terrorists, recalcitrant naysayers and litterbugs. and yes, even fucktards.

love them more than you love them.

Funk: A Declaration of Independence

when in the course of history it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the emotional bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of Mother Earth and the Divine Wow!, the separate and individual station to which the Laws of Nature and of The Funk entitle them, a decent respect to the differing opinions of humankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to separation.

i hold these truths to be self-evident, that all of Creation is Good in the eyes of the Funk, and that all of Creation are endowed by the Multi-Versal Jiggy Snake certain unalienable Rights, and that among These are the rights to Freedom, Love, and Funktastic Ecstasy --a Happiness so huge it's like an environmentally friendly, psychedelic mushroom cloud in the center of your brain.

and i, the representative of my Self as the Bootylicious Delena of the Funkywild, in lone congress and assembled on every plane of existence, appealing to the Supreme Funk of the Multiverse for the kick-assness of my Will and Word, do, in the name of the Funkalicious Jive, and by the authority vested in me by the Inner Demon Wranglers of Babylon, the Pomegranate Priestesses of the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail, and the weird guy next door, declare:

i am Passion.

i have always been Passion. i shall always be Passion.

i am as i have been, as i am, as i always shall be. so the fuck mote it be.

further. . .

i declare an abdication of the feeling of responsibility and obligation to those who have heretofore felt it necessary to lecture, warn, wheedle, guilt-trip, beg, convince, or otherwise influence me as to the perceived negative effects of my Passion. i recognize their concern and give them joyful thanks in all the orgiastically ecstatic enthusiasm of which i am fully capable.

however, i still declare no further obligation to listen or otherwise pay attention to their fear and lack of understanding. i am Passion and these things are my essence. nocturnal mistress and spirit lover, my mouth of wine and woodsmoke taste.

on my lips sparkle tumescent intentions,
upon the tip of my tongue is the beast
inside of you,
goddess of the violet twilight.

i can leap from the dizzying heights, and where others gasp and stare at their own mortality...i only laugh. and however merciless is my fall, have i ever failed to land on my own two feet?

i declare a resounding "FUCK YOU!" is in order for every single time i've heard someone wish i would be more careful, for every single time i've heard it said my passion scares someone. because, for every single time i've heard thus, i've also heard the wish that someone else's life were as colorful as mine. i've also heard the yearning for half as much guts and gumption as i possess, and yet i've seen no willingness to get up and possess that passion. they watch on the sidelines. . .

. . . and yet i am called the fool.

i declare myself sick and tired of it! i declare my ears henceforth deaf to the dispassionate and fearful! i declare myself blind to the disapproval and misunderstanding --though well-intentioned-- caution! i declare i have had ENOUGH!!!

i declare that i dare someone to stand up and match me, passion for passion.

i declare myself Passion, gods damn it all. i declare myself free to walk around naked in my own home should i so choose. i declare my right to thunderous, neighbor-waking sex, and ice cream whenever i want it. i declare uninhibited access to prudent recklessness and unrestrained providence. i demand total immersion in trust, and affectionate euphemisms which inspire mock performance art in trickster rock stars with soulFunk.

i have spoken, godsdammit.

may the Funk be with you.


[ps. admire my picture. it took me two freaking hours to make it because photoshop was a fucktard. *nod*]

the weekend in review

all i'll really say about this weekend is that it was phenominally, unbelievably wonderful. even sepuku sunday was a pleasure. it didn't even feel like work! and no, that's not because of the elation that kept making me smile for no apparent reason and kept my feet from touching the ground. it was just a good day.

but i'm sitting here basking in the pleasant afterglow of our time together, and i know something inside me is different.

i know the tenured readers here at iGoddess have heard me say "but this time is different!" before, but have you ever noticed i never got very specific? and i didn't say that it was different. i said that I was different. i won't gush. i refuse to. this isn't like big *c*, or *j*, and the last thing i want to be is stupid. by the Divine Funk, i will NOT be stupid! i've played the stupid female way too many times in my life, but not this time.

this isn't like all those other times, where i tried to fit life into the perameters of the Gospel According to the Vicious Propaganda Machine of a Phallocratic Nation. you know, the chapters on Romance, Love, and Happily Ever Afters. for one thing, not once have i been anything other than 100% home-grown, completely organic delena, neither pretentious nor arrogant like i was wont to do in order to test a man's mettle against the strength of my will and cynicism.

i've been completely honest, even risking the potential of a relationship (in my mind) because i want someone to love the genuine me. i mean, i'm pretty fantastic, yeah, but i wanted him to reach that conclusion on his own. i didn't doll up, didn't wear any more makeup than i usually do on regular days (a bit of eyeliner, some gloss when we went out to dinner), didn't put up my hair in anything special or out of the ordinary. 100% pure delena, not from concentrate, with no artificial colors or flavors.

and dinner with my parents was phenominal. it blew my mind how quickly daddy warmed up to the idaho boy. my parents loved him. at one point my dad got me in the kitchen and just nodded. "he'll do," he said.

i glowed.

and at the end, i asked the idaho boy what he thought of my life now that he'd seen pretty much everything. he said, "i think it's groovy." the perfect word. he does that all the time, y'know. says all the right things.

there were a lot of new experiences this weekend, things i never thought were possible, things i never thought could be so easy, and things i didn't think existed. i wasn't afraid to look stupid in front of him, i wasn't afraid to be wrong. i lost a wager (the stakes being a good foot rub) and admitted my loss gracefully. i was human and fallible, and that was totally okay. life didn't revolve around him (completely, anyway), but life is certainly exciting and more vibrant with him in it and i don't think i could very easily go back.

i let him in.

it was so easy.

taking the weekend off

well, as i wrote to my greggo in an email the other day, delena is tired. not just physically, to be honest, but mentally. while yes, everything i've written in this blog is absolutely true, it's also rather mentally and emotionally challenging to maintain this level of pronoia, Funk, and happiness while doing all of my freewill astrology homework and working. my job is demanding.
plus, idaho boy's arriving later today, and i want to devote my full attention to the wonderfulness of him being here.

so i'll see you all here bright and early (maybe...) on tuesday, where i'll post "what's the word?" a day late, perhaps, but it'll still be worth it.

see you all on the flip side.