been a while...

yeah, it's been a while. life got kinda crazy and overwhelming, and quite frankly perhaps i needed the lesson in humility. for some reason i've always believed i had to do it all, be it all, know it all.

no mistakes.

you should see it: the apartment's a mess, my finances are a mess, my mind is a mess. i'm working full time, schooling full time, mothering full time.

i'm sewing cloth diapers, getting into investing, and rejoining these crazy people here. yeah, like i ever knew when to quit, right?

but just look at that face! doesn't she just make you want to go back out and live life to the crazy fullest?

or this one?

the variety-pak of life

there's so much going on inside my head right now, and honestly i don't know where to begin. life just does that funny, meandering, mixed-up thing it does, and suddenly i'm sitting here trying to blog and wondering where to begin.

life has in no way whatsoever settled into anything remotely resembling a routine. i find i miss routine. just thinking about the lack of routine makes my head hurt and i wanna lie down. then again, that could also be from the gluten attack i had on friday night that laid me up until pretty much today. careful avoidance of gluten has made me extremely susceptible to even small amounts now, and wow. it felt like i'd just been kicked by an elephant.

work is going pretty well. as a pest inspector, i'm expected to squeeze myself into some pretty icky places beneath houses, and in attics. i find it fun, actually, and i enjoy people's reactions when they see that i --a cute, smiling, cheerful li'l chica-- is gonna go dungeon delving in their crawl space. it's kinda fun. and i'm starting to really get to know the technicians that follow after me to perform the actual services that i've sold our customers. i like to leave little things for them, like gift cards to mc menamin's, etc. just to say thank you for taking care of these people and backing up my word. we all work together, y'know? but it's nice when i know that these wonderful guys got my back. i'm starting to get further into the business where the teenie details that i don't know are bubbling up, and they look out for me. so i show my appreciation.

school is still...hmm. i don't know where i'm headed with that just yet. i got back my transfer results from the Admissions office regarding the classes i had taken years ago in cali. now, instead of being 66 credits until my degree, i only have 30 to go. and i still have my 4.0; i'm a little relieved. of course, this rather derails my plans for which courses i was going to take, so now i have to sit down with my councillor again and re-plan everything. and i still don't know if i'm going to take a fall course yet. spring semester threw me for such a loop, and now i admit that there's so much dread it turns my stomach whenever i think of enrolling.

*mj*, eager darling that he is, sat down with me last night to start talking about things like the menu for samhain. it might be early, but i suppose he's like me in that he wants to be as prepared as possible. i can appreciate that. i told him that what i really wanted was a cake. i haven't done any baking since the "yay, i can't eat guten!" news, and i really, really miss baked goods. you know how long it's been since i've had a brownie?! and plain ol' yellow cake with chocolate frosting, i miss it. no real baking gets done during the summer, but even at the stores i can't eat anything there. i keep thinking of that little place on the east side that apparently makes a phenomenal gluten-free chocolate cake...and i'm wondering if it's worth the drive...

so yeah. just a yellow cake, homemade chocolate buttercream frosting. that would make halloween such a special holiday for me. kinda funny.

and my li'l sister *t* is coming up on monday! i'm so excited sometimes it feels like i'm going to burst apart. my li'l sis is something else, i swear. i tell everyone that i was the rough draft, and ten years later the finished product was born. she's everything cool that i am, only to the nth degree, plus she's got so much else going for her. she's so awesomely awesome! and even more, i can be myself around her in a way that i really can't anywhere else except with her and my li'l bro *aj*. we just get all of our jokes (hell, a lot of them we invented together), and she gets my subtleties like no one else. she's been there for me through...well, my entire life, and she just knows those things for which there are no words. those things that help make me who i am that can't really be explained but influence me nonetheless. she gets me.

when she visits, people up here see us together, then look at me...nod...and say, "Now i get it!" see? it's not just me! and she's the only one that i can laugh 'till i die with. you know when you're laughing so hard you're flopped out on the floor, tears streaming down your face, with absolutely no more breath for any sound at all...but you can't stop laughing to take a breath? yeah, that's us.

a part of me relaxes when she's around. hell, we grew up together; no such thing as a mystery between us. but also, i just really farkin' adore her.

when i grow up...

...i wanna be just like her.

sidenotes

we'll return to our regularly scheduled Funk, but first some brief announcements.

i wanted to thank everyone who's been leaving comments the last few posts. it's really meant a lot to me, and shown me in fantastic detail just how firmly on the right track i really am. it's always said that when you finally come into true alignment with yourself, when you resound with honesty and true harmony, you'll ring out like a crystal glass when you glide your finger along its lip. every part of you will sing, and it will grow louder by virtue of its genuine-ness, and people will stop to listen...and then those around you of the same frequency will begin to ring out in chorus.

the readers of iGoddess, who understand what Brezsny calls "Pronoia" and what i call your "inner Funk," are the chorus. you are my chorus, my beacon, my integrity check and my point of reference. yes, i'm on the right track. thank you for helping to show this to me.

and along my creativity, i've made something. all by myself! true, it's simple, but i finished crocheting a soft, grey wool blanket. it still needs edging, and fringe, but construction is complete! and i've begun a scarf with yarn almost as soft as rabbit fur. it's tough as hell to work with, not as straightforward as the wool i was working with. and the pattern is one i just came up with, experimented with the stitch count, and...it's working, but because i can't really find individual stitches, it looks a little like...well... to be honest, it looks like a beginner's piece. of course, i am a beginner, but i'm also really proud that even two rows into it, the pattern was clearly visible. loooong fringe is gonna go on that scarf when it's done, and i plan to wear it to school.

i've been having a blast crocheting. it's a homely activity, and that suits me just fine. not to mention i'm making useful things, pretty things, and there's a certain satisfaction that comes of being able to look at something and say, "i made that."

my household --*cc* my sister, *mj* my bro-in-law, and now our newest addition *ll* our "little brother"-- has started up our old LARP troupe. that's Live-Action Role Play for you non-gamers out there. and since we learned our lessons last time, we're being a little more choosy about who gets to play with us. we have a strict "no fucktards allowed" policy, since we're all highly allergic. and it's been a blast. the last three days we've been conniving and plotting every minute we could get our heads together. it's fun to be able to create a story with others in some medium other than movies or books.

with movies, you sit and watch. while this is engaging in its own way, sometimes my butt just gets sore from sitting so long. and reading is marvelous...but i still don't have reading glasses yet and the migraines are terrible, and sometimes sitting alone gets boring. writing is its own set of challenges and, while i still am dedicated to the Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, again...it's a solitary pasttime. being able to get with others and actively create a great story, to dress as our characters and be them for a night, to be part of the action, is refreshing. not to mention great for having to think on your feet.

even adults need to "play pretend" once in a while. it's a great world, a wonderful backdrop, and an engaging story. we're having so much fun, laughing, and drinking much wine. i always am reminded of *cc*'s toast on my birthday: "to a new year, to being with family where you belong..." and she's right.

i look around me, smiling and contented, and i think to myself, "here's to family, indeed."

magically Funkalicious

recently i've received a few emails that i just have to share because of how... oh, what are the words to describe them? they're just powerful, i guess. i'm always up here striving to express the Funk, singing praises of the Bombastic Jive and exploring new territory in pronoiaFunk and radical intimacy.

i have to share how bootylicious the people in my life are, too.

i got this in my inbox a few days ago from my pussygata:
yay! so go spend the next couple decades...having fun. your cake is baked and it smells delish! so now...it's all about the frosting pookie! yep, 30 is a gateway of sorts.

what she said reminded me of my conversation with a disillusioned heart:

me: *laughs* 'cept that now i can take that goo, like cake batter, and bake it slowly in the warmth of peace, forgiveness, and self-respect. spread the Funk on you like cream cheese frosting. when it's done, you'll be whole again. good as new, but stronger. denser. moist and sweet and delicious. maybe you, my oft-broken heart, had to be completely destroyed --frappéed, as you put it-- to put you into the perfect consistency for resurrection. wouldn't that be exactly what our goddesses do? compassionate destruction to utter completion? resurrection to a stronger, purer Self?

my Disillusioned Heart: shut up.

me: perhaps you had to utterly die, my heart, in order to truly live again.

my Disillusioned Heart: *quiet a moment* ...you sound like you actually believe this bunk.

me: i do.

i see in you, she went on to say, someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else who entered but...you ran hard and smart and TRUST ME...cuz im old...you are sooooooooooooooo way ahead of the pack...wise, calm and centered, introspective, so many other fabu qualities...those are things you only get from battling and kicking the ass of adversity. people with easy lives never ever ever have the opportunity to gain those qualities and i think thats what we've always seen in each other... like the only 2 english speakers in (ohhhhh say...)China. Like..SWEET I found someone I dont have to expain everything to, she just gets it, I fuckin love the poo outta you!

i love her way with words. not to mention reading her emails always has me grinning so hard my face hurts after a while. i just love her to pieces!

"someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else," she said. it's true, i did. i kept trying to find a way to express that, and she always finds a way to put it perfectly. and now i'm way ahead of the pack. i look up to her so much, and she's one of my role models. and then she goes and gives me that phenominal compliment...and that i know it's true only makes the compliment that much more powerful.

and then i wrote an email to my parents thanking them for all their parental support, since without them i wouldn't have come half as far as i have. and they both said it was all me, that i always had it in me, just needed a gentle nudge here and there. mom said it's all about believing in myself, which is totally true. and how proud they were of me...i loved hearing it.

just praise, no sarcasm, and real belief in me. talking with bug today about support networks, they're there for you when you really need it, through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. and it's not even about believing in you no matter what; it's about believing in what they know they see in you even when you don't see it yourself. sometimes faith is simply called for, and that's your chance to prove you have faith in their greater wisdom and love for you...or when you show just what you really think of their faith in you. actions speak all, and letting go and trusting, loving, even as your world comes crashing down around you and heaven burns to the ground...you know what will stand in its place will be grand and beautiful and infinitely better.

cowardice vs courage, faith vs fear.

they're right, my role-models and teachers and parents. they're right about me, about my effort and abilities and how much i rock. and i might've had the potential and ability, but it never would have come about if they hadn't laid the foundation for me to stand upon.

and for that, i thank them, and love them, and sing their praises.

thirty, flirty, and fabulous

there came a day thirty years ago, a beautiful and sunny Sunday when a fantasmic, divalicious soul opened her eyes and said, "today's the day."

she knocked on the door of her new mother's womb. or, more accurately, she threw open the doors with a whoop like a thousand cowgirls riding wild buffalo barebacked and bareskinned across the western plains, feathers and beads streaming in their unbound hair as ululating cries tear from their throats to the skies.

and all around the universe, beings and spirits and goddesses and immortals behind the visible Veil all gasped, turned toward one another, tugged on sleeves, and collectively began to murmur and titter and stir and talk excitedly amongst themselves.


"oh my GODDESS!"

"well, by the Jiggalicious Divine!"

"well Funk me running! by the Jiggy Snake, is that...Delena of the Funky Wild?"

*squeal!* "it is! it IS her!"

"...oh my Jiggy Snake! are the rumors true? is her soul really that bright?"

"you have no idea. her Funk is so bright, your soul could get a tan just by being in the same room with her!"

"that's so Funkaliciously awesome!"

and, as david copperfield says, i was born.

again.

more than ever, i feel like a completely new person: all the usual metaphors apply. the butterfly newly emerged from her cocoon, Year 1 of a New Era, the turn of the millennium, the sound of free-flowing water after the ice breaks of spring, the first rays of warm sun after a storm, a litter of wolf puppies playing on their first day leaving the den, the honking of a dragon hatchling with bits of egg shell still clinging to its nose and wings.

i can feel the strength and accomplishment of all the work and growing and tension of my twenties, all the suffering and depression and blood and darkness of my teenage years serving as fertilizer, and the twisted abuse and suffering of my childhood waiting patiently for me to turn around and study it with the clarity of hindsight...and begin to learn.

honestly, i don't know if i can truly convey the sense of accomplishment and newness i feel. that part of me --the dark, confused Me-- is truly laid to rest. that era is finished, and i learned everything i possibly could, grew as much as was divaliciously possible. i have everything i need for the next strong steps i take into the world, the universe, and from myself.

my inner work isn't finished, not by a long shot. but the time of going inward, of "living in" is finished. the catharsis is only catharsis if there is an end to it and a bringing outward of everything learned while down in the darkness. it's time for me to take my gifts, my wisdom, and my beauty, and manifest it out in the world, to serve my community, to make a truly unique contribution to my culture.

it's time to join the world of adults and accomplishment, creativity and manifestation.

a person in their twenties can still be a kid, kinda. the world is still new and fun, you're still learning the ropes, you still have a tacit license to do "stupid shit" and "get it out of your system." something changes. as shakespear says, "a man loves the meat of his youth he cannot endure in his age." sometimes you just look stupid doing something in your thirties that would be hilarious and forgiveable in your twenties. dunno why, but it's just how life works.

for christmas, i sent my bio-dad a copy of Woman Who Run With the Wolves, with a bookmark in chapter 6: Finding One's Pack, the theme of which was the study of the story of The Ugly Duckling. i meant it as joyful news, as a way to tell him that yes, i didn't belong in our family and i suffered greatly for it. but i've found my own kind, my own pack, and i'm thriving fantastically. not only that, but i had come to understand him a while ago and have moved so far beyond forgiveness --through our growing friendship-- that there's no longer any need for forgiveness.

we talked for about a half hour and...after so, so long...my bio-dad and i have walked through the place of truce, and finally come to a place of peace and mutual understanding. tonight, i finally tasted one of the sweet fruit borne of my years of labor.

i've also decided to go back to school. i'm starting completely over, dropping my previous English/Creative Writing major and going for my Doctorate of Archetypal Psychology. i want to follow in the footsteps of joseph campbell, robert bly, maureen murdock and clarissa pinkola estes. for so long believing i wasn't anything, i actually subconsciously ran away from the prospect of trying to amount to anything. never try, never fail, right?

well, that belief is so far behind me, so alien to Delena of the Funky Wow, that i just can't put up with it. i want to go Out There and achieve, to dedicate myself to something that will help and heal people and give me opportunities to contribute to a community that speaks to a deep part of me. i've been studying this type of thing for half my life. i want to commit my life to it.

...i've faced and begun to overcome my deep-seated fear of commitment. i want to live for something. i want to stand for something. Family will always be my pinnacle priority. Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love will always be my wards as a revolutionary freedom fighter. "may the Funk be with you" will always be my motto. but it's time for me to be just a little bit serious and accomplish work in the world. and i want to breathe new life into the archetypes of our collective mythology, to bring new life and meaning to my trickster "the archetypes are mutating!"

it's time to come up from beneath the ground where i've been doing my soul's work, burying myself up to the elbows in mater terra, Mother Earth, and to grow in Her garden and reach for the light. i'll flower in Funkybeautiful, dazzling colors. just watch me.

reach for the light. may the Funk be with you.
and Happy Birthday, me!

archetypal philosophies

whoever thought of the family "tree" was onto something. i prefer to picture a rosebush, however. there are those who are your foundation and prove themselves over time. my bio-dad once said he gives people the Five Year Test. if they fuck up royally in the first five years he knows them, he writes them off.

this is a good test.

those who prove themselves --blood relative or not-- are the bush's roots. and those who prove themselves may be added to the your root structure. after all, roots grow. through any weather, transplanting, or hardship, those roots are strong and anchor your soul. the plant grows, roses bloom and attract butterflies and bees and smiles. people pluck the beautiful blooms to give to their sweethearts, spreading the beauty and symbolic love growing from your family.

some people, however, suck the nutrients from the roots and give nothing back. they're rightfully called "suckers." it takes time to find these, because while they suck your roots dry, the appear as any other branch. only enough time reveals they will grow yet produce no blooms, no beauty, and no love. they are then chopped off at the root with cold necessity, lest they kill the whole plant with their ruthless, selfish, fruitless greed.

family is a choice, a prize rosebush to be cherished and protected and nourished so it can spread beauty and love, fragrance, and be around for generations.

love... love is war, and love is peace. the soul is the battlefield upon which all these powerful human emotions wage their conflict. everything from insecurity and substantiated fear, to hope and faith.

sometimes the long path through that battlefield is overwhelming. the skirmishes can wear a body down. strategy and tactics are a puzzle that exhaust the mind. maintaining battle-readiness is a strain which can fray the strongest soul.

the question, "what if i died tomorrow?" is a good question. it eliminates the obstacles we believe are so necessary, so vitally important. if i died tomorrow, none of those things would matter, and there would be no battle. yet...odds are i will not die tomorrow, and those obstacles and complications are important because there are consequences to all of them, which must be considered. experience teaches us consequences are to be respected. it teaches us temperance.

temperance is a beginning to wisdom.

yet...sometimes after considering all the dangers, the consequences, the tactics and terrain and collateral damage...sometimes the battle must be fought. when the dust settles and the dead are buried, after weapons are cleaned and sheathed once more, life will never be the same.

life is never the same, minute to minute. it's called "living."

but the victory, and the fruits of that victory, far outweigh the pain of battle. far outweigh the heaviness of despair that grips the heart in the thick of battle. far outweigh the helplessness that surrounds the edge of battle.

the heavenly illumination of love shines all the brighter against the memory of despair. the sweet ecstasy of love feels all the sweeter against the pain. the miraculous freedom of love feels all the greater against the helplessness. the battle was necessary, a struggle against those shadows dwelling in your heart which would never allow love to thrive. conquer the battle, conquer the shadows.

find peace. find faith. find hope. but the greatest of these is...

faith flourishes. trust thrives. sweet surrender shines bright. being in love, living in Love, means you have touched the sun and now, no matter how many storms darken your sky, you know it will pass...

...and you keep your face lifted toward the sky, knowing you will feel the sun once more.

checking in

*cc*'s birthday was saturday, and yesterday we went to the parents' for her birthday dinner. she asked for a german chocolate torte for dessert, so dad went all-out and made dinner german style. it was quite wonderful, as always, and much leftovers were loaded into the car with us. we begged mom not to make us bring the leftover cake, though. *cc* and i were thinking about all those extra hours on the elliptical...

since that night when *ks* was a complete ass, i haven't been back. and i haven't missed it. it continues to amaze me just how much i was willing to compromise myself for them...because i loved them. too bad they'll never wake up enough to realize what they had. ah well.

rumblestrut has settled in immediately into his new home. he absolutely loves it here. he spent three days just exploring everything, but he had such an excited, contented expression that i knew he was much happier here. he's been a curious and confident little fellow, and ten times as affectionate as ever. plus...he loves the staircase. when all the other kitties are little pygmy rhinos stampeding up and down the stairs, rumbles is a good three pounds heavier than the largest of *cc*'s cats and considerably wider. he's the actual rhino making it sound like the ceiling is caving in when he stampedes.

he's completely won over *mj* and *cc* with his adoringness and cute, simple playfulness. he's so uninterested in heirarchy or winning any top runs in the pride. he'd rather just be loved and petted, rank be damned. it's adorable. he hasn't whined at me once since we've been here. and every time he comes up and gives me love, i think he's thanking me. he's just so much happier!

since mom's got us all hooked on watching "house" when we're over, with dad and *cc* in their respective medical or medical-related fields, that show sparks some very interesting conversations. i love what i learn each time. but last night we got to talking about the decisions that need to be made when a family member is incapacitated, and i brought up my desire to give dad and *cc* a Power of Attorney (or whatever is needed in oregon) should anything happen to me. otherwise, all rights and priveleges to decide my fate would actually fall to my bio-parents.

i had made that realization a few weeks ago (watching "house" makes me think of a lot, actually) and it kinda freaked me out.

so after i mentioned that, i brought up what my aunt *d* had told my dad after *rc*'s wedding. she'd called him up a few days later, after both my aunts (dad's sisters) and i had gotten to know each other, and told him that i couldn't be any more his daughter --and any more a chappelle-- if i'd popped out into his waiting arms.

it kinda brought a tear to my eye.

and after he told me that a few months ago, it started me thinking. family is everything to me. *cc* asked me why i didn't change my last name to chappelle a few years ago anyway, and i told her that at that time, i still wasn't sure i was family and didn't want to presume. *ds* and *ks* had extended the invitation. i was without family back then. over time, however, those two have repeatedly shown me they don't know what they're talking about when they talk about family. oh, they talk a mighty good talk, but they don't do a thing to actually live it. all *ks* did was get pissed at me whenever i pointed out he was full of shit. but we had the same last name, we supported each other (most of the time). we were family. i was loyal.

unfortunately, they've shown me time and again they don't want family, they want enablers who'll cater to their fucked-uppedness.

no thank you.

i'd been thinking about it since september, but i came to a decision a few weeks ago. now i'm just coming out with it. the minute the opportunity opens up, i'm going to court and changing my last name to chappelle.

when i mentioned this last night, dad came into the living room and asked if my bio-parents would sign off on a formal adoption.

...i was stunned.

not only because i didn't know it was possible to adopt someone who wasn't a minor (which is kinda cool), but because...well...wouldn't you be stunned if you realized the lengths people would go to when they really wanted and loved you? i mean...the sort of lengths that i've gone to for people (who ultimately never deserved it).

it's a glimpse of the end of my ugly duckling story.

boot to the head

i remember when i was breaking up with *m* --over the couple months when i struggled with it-- *cc* and dad kept telling me that i was too generous with my heart, and forgave way too much. i kept telling them, "no, that's what you do when you love someone. i have to be true to that."

it's not quite obligatory, but it's an obligation. it's not quite duty, but it's duty-bound. it's love...and for love...you believe the impossible.

you just do.

i did it for my bio-dad; i did it for *jd* ('cause i thought it was love, oi...); i did it for big *c*; i did it for willow; i did it for richard; i did it for *m*. and i've done it for over a year for *ds* and *ks*.

*cc* tells me i never learn. she loves to tell me "i told you so." and she loves to make that gesture where you slap one hand against another, as if to say, "ima smack you upside the head. how could you be so stupid?"

and part of me always feels the recrimination. she's right. how could i be so stupid? but...how could i not? you do things for family you don't do for anyone else. you put up with tons for family you don't for anyone else. hell...i've put up with criticism and name-calling from my chappelle family because i stuck by my silverfox family. it was damn difficult.

damn difficult. ...but it's family, right? you pull off the impossible for family. and they're my family, too. unless they don't want to be. of course, that's a horse of a different lie color.

i really didn't want to believe it, because their transformations only a few short months ago was unbelievably amazing. and i was so proud of and excited for them. when no one else believed in them, after so many friends had deserted them, i stuck with them and loved them. in my adopted family, that loyalty cost me. but...they're family, too, so they accepted it.

it's like...the last little while, i've had suspicions, but i kept telling myself that it was just my imagination. they were so adamant about not falling backwards, and i wasn't about to precipitate the belief that i'd lost faith in them. i kept treating them like they wanted to be treated, with the maturity that they pretty much demanded i give them. and it blew up in my face. so...what do you do when it all dissolves like tissue paper in the rain? that "fuck off" was in defense against unhealthy, destructive habits. only the oblivious so viciously defend their bad habits like that. and the oblivious are usually only the unawakened.

what about when you become conscious to the point where you are embracing healthier, more constructive belief systems, and then regress to the point where it seems no progress at all has been made? forgive the catholic references, but it's the only thing that comes to mind. but it's like during the inquisition in the 14th century, when a pagan would convert to christianity and then relapse back into paganism. such a person was declared relapso or relapsa and burned at the stake. such a regression was unforgiveable...in the eyes of the church.

now, i'm not saying that it's unforgiveable. but it's the only comparison i can make. it feels just as devastating, although considering my pattern i really shouldn't be surprised. once more, in my desire to believe in the best of people i loved and cared about, it made me blind to just how stupid i was being. do i give up caring about people like that? no, obviously not. but there's an obvious problem, because i keep believing in people who end up being the wrong people. i have a serious lack of good judgement when it comes to people. i try too hard to believe they're capable of too much. ...i don't know what you would call a character flaw like that. it causes me a lot of grief. of course, the holosync student in me would tell myself that my grief is just me focusing on what i don't want: in this case, focusing on my disappointment.

i never get used to the sense of betrayal. insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. however, how the hell do i avoid this and not grow so cynical i end up not believing in anyone? people say they want help. they're sincere. i help them, they accomplish difficult and phenominal change...then when the difficult part comes...you know, the part where you have to hold the tension long enough for the old ways to die and the new life to emerge (and if you've truly been there, you know how it can feel like forever)...they let go and say "fuck it." i boost them up and say, "can't stop now!" and i get a boot to the head. i don't want to be so cynical, so removed from my heartspace and empathy. but i don't want to keep ending up in this place, either.

i tried to be supportive. i tried to be tough when they asked me to be. you know, the whole "if we seem to be slipping, give us the boot to the ass we know we need." every time i've done that, however, i've pretty much been told to fuck off in some form or other. it feels like i've been asked to simply be a fair weather friend, to support them when they're doing good, but when they're fucking up i better as hell keep my mouth shut.

love doesn't work like that.

of course, love doesn't ignore you when you say, "i feel disrespected." so i suppose i haven't been receiving love from them for a while, anyway. i wasn't looking for recourse or anything; i simply wanted to be acknowledged, to be heard. of course, in retrospect, they've been regressing far longer than i've been willing to admit, so i suppose being ignored shouldn't be all that surprising. the self-absorption kicked in long ago.

love isn't all sunshine and puppies; sometimes it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. i've grit my teeth through many a broken hallelujah. i've done it in memory of all those people who were there giving me support and believing in me. i've also worked damn hard at excising my pride, crutch of the insecure. we're talking the ego-centric pride, not the genuine pride of a job well done, or of conquering writer's block. i've done so much work, difficult and unseen, so i can continue to grow and help others i find along the path.

i never would have gotten here without people who wanted to help. i continually try and fail to express that gratitude for them.

it makes me sad. i've seen it coming. i've known for a long time it was coming. i prayed fiercely that i was wrong and looked the other way. looked for what else it might've been that i was feeling and sensing. part of it is the simple fact that, when i was sick and crazy and the world was falling apart, i had people who believed in me even when they really had no cause to. even when i was quite the queen of batshit. *ks* even jumped in the car with me so i wouldn't jump off the 205 bridge. crazy. yeah. and they were there for me when i didn't deserve it. if they hadn't, the gods only know if i'd be alive. i had to give what i'd received, to "pay it forward," i suppose. i feel a very strong desire and drive to pay it forward. i'm so grateful to the people who believed in me; they made such a difference in my life. what if i could be that difference for someone else?
on the off-chance i can, i never wanted to miss an opportunity.

i had to be there for them. it was like a calling...and it was love. and i get told to fuck off.

i'm in the wrong business. i shouldn't be helping people who are one foot in the gutter looking for enlightenment. i should be looking for people who are already firmly on the stairway to heaven and simply need company on their own way up.

i'll never make a good therapist...but i'd make a fantastic life coach.

double take?

hey dad!

y'know, i just wanted to say "thank you" for the absolute fantastic genes you passed on. these sanchez genes are really fantastic, i think. the last few months i've gotten a ton of compliments, people telling me i'm pretty, i'm beautiful, how intelligent i am, etc. i've kind of (only kind of) gotten back into the dating world. nothing serious, just going out and having fun and enjoying myself, and one thing i hear *very* often is, "how is it a smart, beautiful woman like yourself is still single?" of course, i laugh and just say thank you (while in my head i'm saying, "because i know better!" ha ha...) but i just wanted to say thank you. sanchez make some really great people.

i love you!
~me


i sent this email to my bio-dad yesterday afternoon, and actually got a near-immediate reply. in it, he told me that he's been dating too --nothing serious, just going out and doing what he wants to do, and having fun. he says he's really enjoying this "old...new me," as he put it, and equates it to when he was around 25, only much wiser this time around.

then a bit later, i was in the car with *ks* and it hit me...

...my bio-dad and i are out dating...

...at the same time. kinda disturbing.

kinda great. ...but kinda disturbing.

i mean, i'm not one of those daughters who's going to agonize about her father going out and dating --oh gasp!-- or anything like that, and certainly not going to blubber about the indecency of it all. actually, i'm ecstatic that he's as happy as he is, and that he's really gotten out and enjoyed life and rediscovered the joys that are out there. since the divorce, he's really been a different person and it warms my heart immeasurably to know he's so happy.

i know it just can't be --because you can't change the past-- but a part of me wishes for many reasons that my bio-parents had split up when i was still in grade school, preferably earlier. preferably before i hit preschool, in those days when *k* would pick me up out of bed in the middle of the night, bring me to her bed, and huddle with me and cry while our parents fought. i remember only being confused, wondering why there was shouting, and knowing whatever was being said was very serious and was scaring my big sister. i knew it was affecting us kids (it was only her and myself at that time). i knew bio-mom threatened to take us away. i know they fought about *k*, who wasn't my bio-dad's but i wasn't supposed to know that. i knew a lot of things back then.

perhaps all of us would have been filled with an entire universe's expanse-worth of happiness if my bio-parents hadn't stayed together as long as they did. for their reasons --whether or not they were right, or logical, or inspired by love-- they didn't, and we have the Today upon which we find ourselves standing.

standing firm, i'm glad to report.

it just...it was a small awakening, i suppose. my dad's out there, having the same revelations (somewhat) and experiences and inspirations that i am. he has more life and wisdom to draw upon, but i think i'm doing all right for myself. sure, there's a lot i still have to learn, a lot more i still have to put into practice, and tons i will never understand. but for now, i think i'm doing pretty good. and so's my bio-dad, and that really is a comfort.

you go, dad. you go.

3-ring blogging

i had my brain at my parents while there, since i had no access to the internet (not really). but i know i've mentioned that, wherever i go, i always have a brain in my purse should i want to write something down. i wrote this yesterday:

i don't know if this is even interesting or just morbid, or simply an example that yes, i am getting older... but i sat down and thought and dreamt of good and evil, love and hate, life and death a lot these last couple of weeks. with the nights growing colder, and the sun dying beneath the horizon earlier and earlier, it's easy to simply stay inside where it's bright and warm. yet now is when i find myself drawn outside to gaze up at the beauteous glory of the harvest moon and sigh in rapture at the frosty glow she casts at midnight.

i've never seen such a bright, knowing moon...

october sails by, eerily silent as a ghost ship in thick fog, and halloween approaches. with it comes the witches' New Year. less and less do i see the commercial trappings of merchants capitalizing on our sacred holiday, and each year i feel more deeply the undertow of the sacred and mysterious Life, Death, and Rebirth cycle.

i have felt this so keenly as of late, within my own body and spirit as well as all around me. yesterday i began bleeding, right after the height of the full moon was past. this, too, is fitting, i think. it began as i slept --apt, don't you think, metaphorically?-- and while a force inside the deepest part of me died, its death throes triggered the release of a new force just beginning its own journey. life begets death begets life. perfect and beautiful balance.

a few days ago i dreamt of a conversation between Good and Evil. it was quite the discussion, taking place at the beginning of time. all of the other archetypical forces had been spoken for, all the fun ones like war and peace, wine and beer, wisdom, blacksmithing, debauchery. and then, regarding one another with a heavy sense of responsibility, they stood up as one and said, "okay, we'll take Good and Evil," knowing it would pit one against the other until Doomsday.

Good was just as grave a decision as who would take Evil, knowing balance must always be maintained. "well," said Good, "i know you only do your duty, so i will hold nothing against you at the End. but from now until the End of Time, i and my agents will fight you with all at our disposal."

Evil gave a gracious bow. "and so will i you, old friend. i would have it no other way."

thus was born another pair: Friend, and Enemy.

and then Evil regarded Good and said thoughtfully, "i suppose if you will have your agents, i must have mine. where you will have Buddha and Lincoln, Jesus and Ghandi and Lennon, i must have my Hitler and Manson, my Inquisition. i will grant you have Harriet Tubman, the Magdelene, the Make a Wish Foundation. but i will have the Duchess Elizabeth Bathory, Lee Harvey Oswald, Enron, and Starbuck's." Evil waved a hand lazily. "you can save the whales, but i'll destroy the ozone. you get green energy, but i definitely get the alien invasion down the line. after all, there must always be maintained a balance."

"very well," said Good. "but do not forget the little things, as well. you may have your murderers and pedophiles, rapists and abusers of women, children, and animals. you may even have your politicians, oil moguls, and schoolyard bullies. but oh! i shall have policemen, and firemen, and trainers of search-and-rescue dogs. i will have healers for every type of physical and psychological ailment your agents create. i'll have stay-at-home moms and heroic single parents. i'll have good samaritans and Humane Society volunteers. i'll have artists of every breed, and common people spontaneously creating iVillages and eCommunities to band together and bond together in support and Hope."

Evil narrowed eyes in thought, regarding Good for a long while before laughing. "impressive."

Good grinned back. "i know."

they shook hands as friends, parted as enemies, and we have lived under their dichotomy ever since. the great irony is that, in the end, whoever wins is a moot point. it won't matter because the balance will have been maintained. it's not whether Good or Evil triumphs in the world or out in the wide universe. it only matters what wins out in ourselves.

love and hate? while by no means simple, my dance with them was brief and easy once i was honest with myself regarding my true nature. i love my bio-mom, but my silence is my answer: for what she's done, and the truth she revealed, there is no room for her in my life. for *k*, it's no different than the million other women out there giving birth, all of them strangers with no bearing on my life. for my family, mine was the story of the ugly duckling, finding others with my funky-beautiful plumage in the springtime of my life.

i don't know that my bio-family would ever understand. but my soul high-tailed it up to oregon and is happily munching on spiritual milk and cookies in someone else's kitchen.

we go where feeds the soul. we go where the song will sing flesh back onto our bones, where the well of emotion will slake our great thirst for purpose, fulfillment, and belonging. we go where we are loved, and it is in the loving we learn the steps of the deeper dance of Life, Death, and Rebirth. to make love is to dance the dance. to truly live is to dance.

find where you are truly alive, and you will find friendship, kinship, and the lover's intimate knowledge of Life and Death and Rebirth, of Good and Evil, of Love and Hate and Indifference.

only, remember: the greatest of these is Love.

may the Funk be with you.

lately

there's been so much going on lately. so much. eventually i'll get around to writing about it all. i don't want to sound like i'm bitching here, because i'm not. it's just been overwhelming in delena land, is all. and i think sometimes i'm guilty of thinking i'm wonder woman and can do anything without stopping, without building up some sort of endurance.

i do it all...and my body rebels. and i've just been tired. just...tired.

but i think things are finally getting back on track, and while i'm still tired all the time, i don't feel like my brain is fried. i was spending a lot of time on WoW while my fried brain recovered from september and the money sink.

and oh goddess, what a money sink...

the next couple of weeks i'm house and pet-sitting for my parents while they vacation in scotland. they were so excited about it; it was kinda cute to watch. so while they're off gallavanting in the highlands, i'll be watching two dogs and five cats. it'll be peaceful, though.

and aside from a whole lotta chaos, things have been pretty good, too. lots of things to think about, though. apparently yesterday (two days ago?) i became an aunt. my oldest bio-sister finally had that baby her biological clock's been kicking her to have for years. and while i'm getting text messages, pics, and phone calls regarding it...it's the older bio-sister i haven't seen nor spoken to in five years and never really plan to see nor speak to again. yet the members of my bio-family that i do still speak to think i actually care. which i don't. a perfect stranger had a baby two days ago, and suddenly --because her uterus works-- i'm supposed to just say, "hey, all's forgiven, why not come back into my life with all your baggage and self-righteous drama!"

like hell. my life is fantastic, and fantasmically drama-free. i've worked hard to make it so. and in my quest to become my own Funky groovemate, i've found in my own realm of Funktastic bootyliciousness that the standards for my groovemates has risen, as well. only those who pass the test, who love, protect, treasure, and adore me are allowed within the walls of Delena's Land of Funkalicious Wonder and Funktastic Bliss.

BYOF. Bring Your Own Funk. drama not allowed. self-righteousness not allowed. hypocrisy not allowed. dishonesty, disloyalty, and self-centeredness not allowed.

Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love...welcome.

unfortunately, while love conquers all and has compassion as its cornerstone, love is not foolish enough to allow just anyone to trample through its sacred gardens. some things just cannot exist in the presence of love, and if a person has those things toward me...obviously there is no love for me. and so, while i can let go whatever heinousness they committed against me, it doesn't mean i need to allow them anywhere near me again.

i'd been delaying Project: Bio-Mom for this very reason, as well. i've been avoiding having to admit that i'm perfectly happy without her in my life at all, ever. as well as *k*, my oldest bio-sister. i love you, ladies, but your own self-righteousness and hypocrisy give you no room in my bohippian empire of Funk, disco, and rainbow sherbet punch.

my Funk is right here. if you love me, you'll know where to find me.

let it be

talk about speaking words of wisdom. it was rather cute, honestly...

*backing up...*

so this month has been monstrously busy, but i think it's finally slowing down. i'm actually going on a date tonight! i know. whoa. there was the business trip that ike ate, the camping trip with mom and dad, my sister *rc*'s wedding (altho i suppose she's *re* now???), my kitty-poo's trip to the vet, the Funkmobile's trip to the vet, more trips to the vet for all four kitties yesterday (we had a massive flea attack, so everyone got boarded and we bombed. i was running out of the apartment yelling, "charlieeeee! incomiiiiiing!"), running around to target for a toaster (effing YAYNESS!) and office depot for a file cabinet and a really irresistable brown-and-pink-trim bag that i got for TWO BUCKS...and there was supposed to be a vegas trip for another seminar, but i cancelled that one. i'm kinda tired, and i haven't seen *c* since before the business trip that ike ate.

today i'm having lunch with my insurance agent (she's so rockin' cool), and tomorrow i'm headed over to *cc* and *mj*'s to kitty sit while they're in tennessee subjecting *cc* to her in-laws (my prayers go with you, my sister). next month, i get to do the same thing for mom and dad for three weeks (???) while they take a trip to scotland.

i woke up kinda early, so i thought i'd hop on WoW and just do things like check mail and level up my professions, and chat to people in my guild and ally channels. it's as pleasant as morning coffee. my phone rings and i think, "good thing i didn't decide to go back to sleep."

it was my bio-dad just calling to say hello since we hadn't talked in a while. i felt so bad, i told him, because things have been so busy and expensive, and i haven't even thought about calling people. i haven't even been sending out my, "*HUGS!* okay, i heart u!" text messages lately, i've been so spread thin. so we talked a bit, and he was all, "so...you're turning thirty in a few months, aren't you?" i said yeah, and he whistled through his teeth.

"i keep telling people that i'm just turning thirty, flirty, and fabulous," i said. to be honest, facing my thirties doesn't intimidate or depress me. kinda the opposite. it's like, okay, my twenties are over. now i can be serious and have people take me seriously. i'm kinda looking forward to my thirties, looking forward to what's in store for me. wonderful things happen in that era.

and my dad kinda gave me this new outlook. he said that every decade is like a different lifetime that you really --in retrospect-- gotta take as itself. and he told me he finally learned not to live for anything else, but to just do what he likes and what makes him happy.

i love hearing that. and it also makes me feel like i kinda got a head start in that department.

it was a really nice morning conversation, just my ol' dad imparting wisdom to a growing daughter. my 29th birthday wasn't nearly so special as i think this one will be. kinda looking forward to being thirty, flirty, and fabulous. and i kinda like being on the receiving end of my bio-dad's caring wisdom. it's such a far cry from where we were ten years ago today, that's for sure.

ah, how we've all grown, eh?

bridesmaid

so remember that wedding i was gonna be in? yeah, it's later today. i'm actually posting this from *rc*'s laptop here in the hotel room. we had an adventurous day with the wedding rehearsal (which i missed, lol) and mom absconding with all our stuff for hours on end.

yay.

but now we're here, with the majority of a huge bottle of barefoot moscato gone. we jumped on the bed, had security called on us, played with mud masks (yay, mud!), and now we're doing relay showers.

i made *rc* play "choose the shoes" because i had such a helluva time trying to find something to go with the strapless, 3/4 length red thing she's having me wear. the 3/4 length is enough to make me look about as shapely as a refrigerator box. white shoes looked like hell (and it's after labor day), and anything red and strappy made my feet look like i had tried to shoehorn pork sausages into strappy red teacups.

so i tossed five pairs in, including a new curvy suede pair i'd just bought, and told her, "choose the shoes, chica."

...she chose my favorite "fuck me heels."

not that i intend to get laid at the reception or anything. in fact, right after the service and pics are done, i'm running around barefoot. but still. i was quite happy.

it'll be good. and it'll be a beautiful day, and my sister's so happy and excited. we're having a hair/makeup person come to make us all prettiful.

just thought i'd mention.

daily deelite

1. one thing i've always loved is night driving. i am so grateful for the peace, warm night breezes, and soothing atmosphere of a good night drive...

2. i'm grateful for a fully tummy and a life of plenty. so many people in the world don't have a fraction of what i have.

3. i'm eternally grateful for dinner nite at the parents'. it's one of my ultimately favoritest things in the whole, wide world. even if it's the most normal evening ever, i will never get tired of just existing in the presence of my parents; feeling safe, loved, and nurtured never goes out of style.

4. i'm grateful for my dad's cooking. he effing rocks in the kitchen, i swear.

5. i know i say this a lot, but it always bears repeating: my capacity for gratitude towards my family, and their love, continually grows. i am so thankful to be surrounded by the family that i have.

daily deelite

if the picture wasn't a dead giveaway...

1. i am eternally grateful for my family. eternally. at my Darkest Hour, when i finally realized Something needed to change, in my mind i was surrounded in 360 degrees by negativity and my Inner Demon Horde. i knew i needed to focus on something positive, and i knew that not everything in my life could be black and negative. i realized my family couldn't be called negative, therefore it had to be positive. and so i clung to my family as to a lifeline, and at the time they were. i kept them as my point of reference, my focus as i let so much just fall away. and focusing on their love and support lifted me up. thank the Divine Wow for my family...

2. i'm absolutely grateful for their support. i know i am a worthwhile person, deserving of love and every good thing because being surrounded by them, by their support and love and faith in me, i know i am worth everything. they're fantastic people and i think the world of them. and if i think so highly of them, i know them for people who wouldn't waste their time on trash. if you are who you hang out with, then i'm among some very fine company!

3. i'm thankful for their continued faith in my abilities. they have so much faith in me, and have such high expectations...but it's not a negative thing. they know what i'm capable of, and after being told, "you can do anything, sweetie," i begin to believe it. and believing it, i do it. and in doing it, i know there's no challenge i will not meet and succeed.

4. i'm grateful for their love. lessons in unconditional love, examples of what real love does, means, and says to others. they showed me the transformative and transcending power of love. without love, i would never have risen above my limitations to become the phenominal Delena of the Funkywild that i am.

5. i know how lucky i am to have the family i do, and i am eternally grateful for my good fortune. i have four parents --two mothers, two fathers-- and nine brothers and sisters. nine! and they're all alive and in fantastic health, and life is only getting better.

life is only getting better.

stepping out of "me" and into alignment

there were a few posts a while ago where i talked about not harping on finding my Funky groovemate and instead becoming my own Funky groovemate. i started loving myself, accepting myself, and in general being someone that i would love to hang out with.

i took myself out on dates to movies and dinner, and learned to love being alone under the great blue sky. i read books i loved, wrote blog entries that made me laugh, and used all my Funky cosmic power to learn to love everything about me. i began to draw towards me those things, people, and events that helped maintain this new delena-love and challenged me to multiply it and focus it outward in an act of loving the world.

it's come back to me a hundredfold.

but one thing that was not in keeping with my swingin' hippie-shake of peace and love toward my fellow humans and my own juicy self was a certain misalignment toward the whole concept of love, radical intimacy, and marriage.

you see, certain members of my lovely family are rather cynical in my opinion. this doesn't diminish my love for them, and i don't judge them for it. however, i used to permit their harsh edges to injure me in small ways, usually when i opened my mouth to express some soft-edged observation or opinion that comes from my corner of Funkalicious love, compassion, and faith in humanity. i might even daresay a little naïveté. i don't see the jagged edge of society that they do, and i admit i've always been rather sheltered from things like that: i don't know the nicknames for street drugs, i underestimate the lengths people will go to for money, and my ability to recognize the power-hungry and controlling is severely limited. i believe in the innate goodness of mankind, and i truly believe it's protected me from being severely injured by life.

after all, nothing's been done to me that's scarred me for life. throughout it all, i've maintained my ability to love and be loved, haven't i?

so, because of my family's gritty and experienced views on life, i've often felt quite embarrassed to express such things as, "i want to be in a wonderful marriage," or "i want more children," or even, "love is out there for me. i know it!" i had a disasterous relationship with *m*, and my efforts to give him so many chances to prove his character was a stupid judgement call. i know i ignored my intuition where he was concerned, and the whole thing ended stupidly. because of that, i feel this added pressure to...well, while it's not a pressure to "be perfect," it's certainly a feeling that i really don't have room for any more mistakes pretty much of any kind. i'm intelligent, saavy, and have wonderful resources to draw upon. mistakes like *m* shouldn't happen.

i'm human; mistakes will happen, but it's how i bounce back that matters. however, the pressure is there. i don't want to disappoint my family again, and i want to reflect well upon my parents. they have so much faith in me.

it felt kind of stupid, childish, and silly to express my provincial desires for careerlovemarriagechildren. didn't i have enough in being a good daughter? a good sister? love wasn't all it was cracked up to be, right? marriage was a pain in the ass and the pains outweighed the blessings most of the time, right? i mean, *cc* kept telling me to go the casual sex route: get what i wanted, then continue my independent, merry way. best of both worlds.

i felt outvoted and rather diminished, like a simpleton in a family of geniuses. but i wasn't. i simply believe in looking for the goodness in everything around me, in having faith in people, in raising the bar of my expectations and being a beacon in the night for All That Is Good. it seems childish, but it's not. it's childlike, and there's a difference.

so my first goal, if i wanted to find and build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a good man, was to become in alignment with myself. have you ever seen a person who said they were "fine," but you knew they were seething inside? their little "act" wasn't so convincing, was it? and didn't you just get a sort of creepy feeling being around them, like their conflict was so tangible it grated on you? made you uncomfortable?

well, being out of alignment in any of your true desires is like that, and people around you can sense it. if you want something --more money, a better car, a rewarding relationship, more time to spend with the people you love doing the things you enjoy-- but you tell yourself that you're content with what you have and you don't need those things...that's being out of alignment. it's dishonest. now, if you truly are content with what you have, that's different. but even the satisfaction with what you have can be in the presence of a desire to have more, to be more, and to know there's something out there that's better. that is being out of alignment, even if you've buried it deep down.

it comes out in a myriad of ways, and the dischord within you is actually repelling those things away from you that you most desire to attract. what i did was actually just sit down with myself and admit out loud what it was i wanted. i'd spent so long trying to convince myself i didn't want those things that i now had to get comfortable with them again.

"i want to be married," i said. it actually felt weird saying it, but i made myself keep going. "i want to be happily married to a wonderful man, and to have a lasting connection and radical intimacy." then i went even further. i defined those terms: radical intimacy, lasting connection, relationship, wonderful man, and happy marriage. i fixed them in my mind. when i was comfortable with that, i felt a peace melt within me, and it suffused my entire being. i had admitted to myself and the universe what i truly wanted...and my smile was no longer fake.

next i went out and declared my desires to friends i trusted whom i knew wouldn't laugh at me or discredit my desire by putting it down. when i was comfortable with that, and now even more energized by my friends' support, i posted it on my blog. i told my family. and i think because i was coming from a place of genuine alignment, of confidence and faith in my endeavor to realize my desires, they received it well. they support me.

i stepped outside of focusing on "me" like a wheedling, whining child, distanced myself from my ego and insecurity, and stepped into alignment with my true desires.

i became that much closer to resonating the frequency of my own inner Funk.

i spoke my Truth, and i owned it.

that was the beginning of the Revolution.

daily deelite

after the whopping day i had yesterday, i'm chock full of even more gratitude! and what's amazing that i've discovered is that the more i practice gratitude, the more i realize my own frame of mind is my choice in any circumstance (moreso than my stoicism, which was merely cover-up on a pimple). and in any circumstance, even the lameass ones i had yesterday at work, there was gratitude to be found...

1. i'm grateful for my family, for good food, laughter, and my rockin' siblings. i'm grateful for the blessings i have when i sit down around a table filled with family, the sense of belonging, and the comfy atmosphere conducive to the ribald, raucous, and off-color jokes that were running a mile a minute last night.

2. i'm grateful that my family is growing! i got to meet my future brother-in-law last night, and he's actually pretty great. when a guy can catch even my more obscure jokes, i have to think, "yeah, this guy's all right."

3. i'm grateful that i have other opportunities in my life and i'm not chained to my job at the salon. instead of letting the stupid bureaucratic nonsense get me down and oppress me, i'm using it as a springboard of inspiration. what was once a lovely opportunity to brighter horizons, independence, and a sense of self has become a toxic relationship. and we all know what delena does with toxic relationships...

in the immortal words of my dad, "give 'em the bum's rush, honey!"

4. i'm grateful for laughter. i must say that i don't think i've laughed so much or so thoroughly in a while than i have in this last week. my life has achieved a kind of high simply on laughter and joy. i see freedom, purpose, and a real chance for phenominal change. i see myself growing in new and incredible ways, and i can feel those changes happening inside of myself even as i write this. my Funk-colored glasses effing rock!

5. i'm grateful for the kitties. i wake up and open my door, and i'm greeted by eight round eyes and four perky tails, and four sleek bodies rubbing up on my legs and trying very, very hard to trip me up. i'm greeted by squeaks, mews, trills, chitters, and purrs. "oh," i say in my sleepy voice, "g'morning rumbles, baby. you want da pettin's? aww, there's my boy..." and i scratch under his chin. invariably, here comes liam the black slinky. "okay, liam. you get da pettin's, too, all cowlicky and trying to play 'dead kitty' and trip me, thanks." of course, voodoo's been mrowling the whole time since hearing my door open. "okay, voodoo. you get luvins. there. oh yes, thank you, i needed a butt in my face. start my day off right." and the kitten, angel, gives me either her silent mew or the long, drawn-out "squeeee!" and it's soooo pathetic i have to pet her. "okay, kitten, luv luv luv, purr purr purr. yes, chew my fingers. really, i didn't need them today. oh yes, and don't forget to attack my toes. vicious killer, oooh i'm scared." all of this is delivered in my monotone, i-just-woke-up, throaty sleepy voice. but inside, i'm all warm and fuzzy from so much kitty luv.

rock the kitty luv!

when they say "vacation's over..."

So much has been happening in my life these days. Really magnificent things and some not so magnificent things. It feels like all the "old doors" that once represented my little safety zone have been closing one by one. I think it would be easier if it were happening in more spread out segments.

going about my life the other day, i came across this little tidbit over at the painted house, and it was all i could think about for the next two days. when i read them, the above sentences hit me like the Holy Shit Express at full speed because they were an exact echo of my own thoughts.

no, even better: they were an articulation of a jumbled mass of emotions i hadn't been able to sort out until that very moment.

a while ago i remember posting a declaration of independence in which i stated there was to be a complete makeover aiming to reveal my soft, divalicious center. i was to let go of the worship and honoring of War, Death, and Destruction as well as change my focus from family to love and intimacy. part of me wonders if this isn't simply the universe's way of telling me i was way off, or if it's telling me it's time to stop marinating and to throw it all over the fire.

the other day, it became obvious that the silverfox den cannot and will not work. for someone who is so communally-minded, so willing to work toward the benefit of the whole (because that's just how i was made), this realization fills me with indignant rage...at first. mostly i feel lied to, but i won't go into my feelings here for risk of the lameass drama i know it'll trigger.

mainly, i wanted to express the feeling of anxiety, doubt, and exhilaration that comes before any coming-of-age milestone. and yes, no matter how old you are, there are coming-of-age experiences all around you. in the constant shifting and changing we do as we grow and learn, new phases in life happen every day.

i have never, not once, lived alone. i grew up with three other bio-siblings; moved straight into marriage with my hatchling's first birthday happening a mere three weeks (to the day) after my first anniversary; lived with so many roomates i sometimes refer to them all as "the cast of thousands." empty rooms make me nervous. no sounds but the ones i make only heighten my awareness of my own vulnerability. i have this gripping fear of intruders (i'm a pacifist). all my life i've been plagued by serious nightmares, and an empty house meant a sleepless night. part of it comes from what happened in my psyche after i was raped, i know. yes, i was horridly violated, but at least i wasn't seriously injured or killed, y'know? part of me has a fear of having my personal living space violated and intruded upon, and maybe next time i won't be so lucky. so i've cushioned my life with the presence of loved and trusted friends and family, which is a good cushion to have.

but soon i'll be curled up in my own lair, with no one's hoard around me but my own. deep in my gut, i know i'm (for the most part) ready for this, but i'm so horridly terrified. i've let *ds* and *ks* think it's just anger or irritation at them. they're doing their "walk on eggshells" thing they do around me when they think i'm upset at them, and i'd rather them think that than know i'm terrified of living alone. why bother explaining it? there's nothing to do but face my fear and let it pass through me. nothing to do but keep going despite the panic, and sweat, and dread. for eleven years i've managed to hide --even from myself-- the degree that those rapes affected me. the realization has surfaced a few times, but i've always turned right around and re-buried it before i had to consider its implications.

i suppose now it's simply time to face it and let it burn itself out in the flames of my own fear. self-immolation of a psychic scar. kind of like when i invited my monsters in for a cuppa tea, and then proceeded to feed them until they ate themselves to death. however, this is one fear i thoroughly do not want to face...which is probably precisely why i need to face it.

dammit. i hate being enlightened sometimes...

i'm excited and even kind of thrilled at the prospect of my own space, my own time, and the first opportunity in my life to let my personality come out into full bloom in my surroundings without accomodating anyone else's style. i'm already thinking of things to make and buy, and what series i'm going to rent from netflix to fill up my evenings.

there's a clash of excitement and fear, unease and anger and curiosity.

Yesterday, it hit me hard that I've been too soft with myself. ...I need to harden it up a bit and move forward with a force as strong and steady as a bulldozer. I can feel a beautiful future ahead. I just need to step up to my plate in a very big way.

again, i read this and there was a sinking feeling in my gut. i've been avoiding stepping up to my own plate. i keep delaying Project: Bio-Mom, keep postponing my goddess-divorce, keep trying to focus on Love and Intimacy while in the safe comfort of family. and i've realized it, taken small steps to correct it, but avoided the real change i knew i needed to make because deep down i knew i needed my own space to do it. honestly, i'd rather be single the rest of my life than face those kinds of sleepless nights and that gripping fear, but i've been a self-respecting daughter of Lilith too long to put up with that attitude in myself. once you find a fear, and area of resistance, the only thing to do is burn it to the ground in a compassionate act of destruction.

life is the most thrilling adventure ever, and what i want --deep and lasting love and intimacy with a wonderful man, marriage, the iGoddess-hatchling, a new branch on the family tree i've lovingly planted-- is too funktastic and unbelievably wonderful to let something as silly as fear get in my way.

remember i was talking about coming-of-age experiences? well...wasn't there always a trial to overcome before the heroine could enjoy the rewards? ha! look at me, blending the dark teachings of Lilith with colorful, wackyloopy Pronoia as if i know what i'm talking about...

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the one law iGoddess has always had is, "no censorship -- ever." it has been my guiding light and support from the very first day i set foot in the blogosphere. blogs were still actually kinda new back then. and at first it was the only place i had in my life where i could be completely honest with some of the things that were going on.

sometimes, looking back on that lonely, confused, neglected new wife and mother that wrote her first entry and posted it online with all the trepidation and hope a castaway feels tossing that message in a bottle into the waves, all i can think is, "that poor girl." and when the memories of the Baseball Bat Incident resurfaced after fourteen years of utter burial, the response i received only boosted me up and supported my decision to maintain utter, brutal, and ugly honesty here.

it makes the beautiful things so much brighter...

sometimes i wonder what it is about the whole thing, y'know? i mean, i think i've gained a measure of respect in my little blogging iVillage. there's never judgement, no matter how stark my posts can be. perhaps that says something for getting to know someone online; there's always a measure of distance instead of being a real, solid person standing right before you and into whose eyes you may see the reality of the things mentioned in their blog. and to a point, that's true.

but i had a conversation with someone recently about how people are so busy maintaining their façades and it's the nitty-gritty of life behind the masks that make them real. well, i've made a good habit of being real up here, and working as hard as i can to make the difference between what's up here and what's in the flesh as small as possible. of course, what's up here is sometimes a bit freer with language and opinions, but there's also nothing i've said here that i haven't said in the presence of my family.

i think part of it comes down to vulnerability. long-time readers of iGoddess will find familiar my confused lament about how the unconditional love and acceptance i receive from my family is nonexistant in the wide world of relationships. then again, a small while ago i realized why this is. the first tenet of Witch is "personal responsibility," and if there is a situation or difficulty, we must understand our contribution before we can move towards harmony.

needless to say, mine was not a childhood (or young adulthood) in which vulnerability was encouraged. it was ravenously devoured. i began to hide it. the few times i've played card cames with people who were rather serious about the game have told me that while i might not be the best at cards (i freakin' suck at poker, i swear), i had the best poker face and no tells whatsoever. i've also been told that the only way to know when i'm actually truly, deeply upset is because i give nothing away. the deeper my distress, the calmer i get. my breathing is perfectly even, my face void of expression. these were my defenses against the pain of having my vulnerability exploited.

and yet, with my (adopted) family i am dynamic, soft, vulnerable, and open. there is free communication, respect, and wholehearted acceptance. this is something i thought was isolated to family and which i would never find elsewhere. however, i smashed the glass and hit the Big Red Button that said, "I Change My Mind."

i must also change my Self. when i declared my new aim --to enrich my life with a loving, committed relationship built upon radical intimacy and respect-- i knew i would have to change many things within myself. i have resolved to be more open to chances and opportunity; to be more vulnerable by revealing my thoughts and feelings more; by surrendering to the universe in order to live in the moment and accept what comes; by receiving what people offer me and knowing i am worthy of their affection as a shining being; by trusting; by letting go of fear and knowing i will be unconditionally loved by those worthy of my love.

do you know what i've found so far? *laughs* i'll tell you...

i've found the real me, buried so long ago she was believed lost forever. i've found the freedom to exercise my true nature, which is one of pure love.