hurry up and wait

i realized the other day that november's already starting to pick up speed, and i've barely written a handful of posts in the last couple of months. i don't know if i've been totally unmotivated, if i've just been living inside my head, or if i've been holding my breath waiting for so many other things to happen that there just doesn't seem to be anything to say.

everyone around me here in my iVillage seems to be all about renewal, reflection, rededication, reconciliation, all these re's that i just don't feel right now. i feel all these desires and motivations inside me, like little jumping beans, yet i can't muster any feeling for them. i just don't care enough to make them a priority. even my little pleasure indulgences, like playing Oblivion or getting a pedicure. and we all know how much delena loves her feet and treats her little piggies like ten li'l wiggly princesses.

i've got a few huge changes coming up, some i've mentioned --like my big 3-0-- and others i haven't. i feel kind of like that woman who's just found out she's pregnant, but has had a few miscarriages in the past and so is hesitant to say anything until at least the first trimester's over. y'know...just in case. that's kind of how i feel: afraid and hesitant and unwilling to say anything just yet, in case plans fall through for any number of reasons.

with some things, for some mysterious reason that's not as mysterious as i'm letting on, i'm unwilling to place certain bets or believe certain things right now. one change includes the possible addition of a new person into my life, and a majority of myself only things, "i'll believe it when i see it." i'd love for it to happen, but i'm not gonna go out and buy five thousand shares of stock, y'know?

another change is just an old change with new wrapping. it didn't meet with a whole hell of a lot of success before, and i approach it with skepticism now. i know it's counter-productive. i know it. believe just takes so much energy right now. *ds* still hasn't received her inheritance check, and she and *ks* have been so "we'll A, B, C, and D...when the check comes." the phrase "when the check comes" has become so route that it's actually created a povlovian response in me now. i can't help it, but i just want to sigh and say, "yeah, right." i swear i hate that check, and it's not even here yet. every day i try to think of something to say when/if it finally does arrive, other than, "it's about fucking time." that wouldn't exactly be inspiring.

so many things that i just want to hurry up and get themselves happened, already! it's like i'm standing at a signpost that says, "please wait here...sucker."

stuck in a quagmire of waiting for things to happen. in the meantime, i go about life...but i swear there's simply no luster in things that used to give me such simple joy. i even look at my Notes from the Universe and have to make myself believe them and not delete them.

not to mention september and october had huge chunks where simply existing was exhausting. pronoia's taking a lot of effort lately. that's all.

just because i love it

notes from the universe

GRATITUDE [grat.i.tude]: Big time buzzword during spiritual awakening phase of planetary evolution, yet often misunderstood.

When you think thoughts of "thanks," Delena, it's exactly the same as thinking thoughts of having received. And, as is true of all thoughts on the plane of manifestation, they must immediately strive to manifest into your time-space life.

Yet, the only way there can be a manifestation of such thoughts is if you do actually physically receive. And the only way you can actually physically receive is if all of the players and circumstances of your life are literally shifted around and manipulated, without you or them even knowing what's going on, so that you will be predisposed to the right ideas, hunches, connections, and introductions that will deliver you smack into the middle of such manifestations.

And it's all perfectly legal,
The Universe


what's really funny is that i've been thinking along these lines for the last few weeks. and not even really in my own life, but a friend's. sometimes i get egotistical and think that --in some way-- all that i've gone through, the work and pain and growth, has been so that i could be the right person in the right place at the right time to help him go, "hey, yeah!"

then i get over myself and realize that, even more importantly, events and people and things were moving around so that i was the right person in the right place at the right time...to receive yet more instruction and an opportunity for growth.

and like everything else in my life, i've been peeling away the outer layers of some things and refining my wants. like those things that have anything to do with careerlovemarriagechildren. it was always a want. thank the gods it's not a Need. i'm headed into the Decade of Bombastic Dee-liciousness and i'm catching this glimpse of just how wonderful i'm going to be.

i. me. solamente yo, ya 'ueno. just me. y'know, the original definition of "virgin" was a woman who was complete unto herself. understood in such a light, virgins were held to be sacred, a walking, talking, living, breathing holy thing. i suppose you could say i've never truly been virgin. twenty-one years since the Baseball Bat Incident...and it's about time i gently took back that part of myself. i'm fine by myself, as myself, and i don't Need anybody.

it's so liberating.

i can Be Myself, the whole whoppalicious, fan-Funky-tastic unfettered me. i'm done with people who say i'm too big for them, too much to handle. you'll never again see me in the company of anyone who squishes me. hell, i don't even wear jeans that make me have to suck it in. and dude, i can feel it: more rapidly every day, the old, outer layers are just peeling away. everything up until this point has just been practice. and you know what they say about practice and perfection.

and i think...what if events have been moving around me, people have been dancing beside me, so that other events which have been years in the making can finally come to pass? it fills me with a quivering eagerness that has me all but bursting with anticipation. i can't wait for tomorrow. i can't wait for next week, next month, next year... and time travel is preposterous only because of this:

we are right now living the events that are setting the stage for the future! so...in essence...today we are predicting our own futures! that's so farking COOL! we're the most kickass prognosticators...with all the power of space and time flowing through us with each breath we take. because each breath takes us forward, each action forms consequences which flow through us and through time...and will return to us in the form of "manifestation," as the Universe calls it.

it's so abso-fraggin'-lutely, mind-blowingly awesome. i positively quiver in eager anticipation. it's like wondering what surprises i have in store for myself. all i know is that all my previous work is manifesting as the Real Thing now.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The planet Saturn symbolizes the preservative and conservative tendencies of evolution. It teaches us to learn from the past and keeps us from rushing into the frontier before we're ready. Uranus, on the other hand, represents future shocks, both the disturbing and benevolent kinds. It disturbs our sleep in order to wake us up and energizes us to reinvent ourselves on the fly. What happens when these two planets slip into an intimate dynamic, as they are now? Will one of them prevail over the other in a great battle? Or will they coordinate their efforts artfully in a riveting, gorgeous dance? Amazingly enough, the outcome depends in part on you.


i remember my bio-dad telling me about a fight he was in once, a long, long time ago. he said that time sort of slowed down and he could think so clearly, see every swing coming like it was in slow-motion. he had enough time to see exactly how his opponent was going to move, where those fists would fly, and how to catch and counter every blow. he won that fight.

last winter, one very early, very icy morning, the Funkmobile and i almost went over the edge of an on-ramp on my way to the salon. there was so much ice that, even going as slow as i was, when i touched the brake, the Funkmobile went into a glide across the intersection. time slowed to a crawl. in the time it took to slide fifteen feet, i thought, "wow. so this is how i go, huh? i'd always wondered... hmm, when losing control of a car, turn into the slide. slip the car into neutral. foot off the brake, dee. wow, that edge is coming up close. thank the gods i have no regrets; i just hope someone finds me and can tell my family. thank goddess there's no other traffic this early, i'd hate to cause a collision with someone else. jeez, we're still sliding?" and just like that, the Funkmobile glided to a stop not two feet from the edge. i was so calm. i put the car back into gear, and got onto the freeway so i wouldn't be late for work.

some time after that, my dad saw this documentary on cable about the human brain, and some of the funkywild things it can do. in life-or-death situations, the brain kicks into uber hyperdrive. it actually shuts down any other function that's not absolutely vital to its survival: everything from your digestive system to any or all of your five senses can be shut completely down. even your breathing is slowed to a minimum, and all resources are diverted up to the brain so it can survive as long as possible, and operate as fast as possible so it can figure out a way to survive. that's why time seems to slow to a crawl: thought processes are sped up to unimaginable degrees. even the fight-or-flight panic reaction is turned off. the brain needs to think.

it's kind of like being in "the zone," to the nth power.

i think saturn + uranus is going to create an effect similar: with one force reminding me of everything i've learned and everything that has gone before, and another force is the shock force (both benevolent and disturbing) that hurtles us into hyperdrive, what can the effect be except time slowing to a crawl as my soul vaults into The Zone?

business is going to pick up. the Year of the Delena draws to a close, and the 22 Years of World Orgasm is just beginning...starting with the Year of the Funktastic Wow.

there are some gigantic hurdles to clear, too. lots of inertia to overcome, objects at rest requiring massive amounts of energy to turn into objects in motion; and some objects in motion that need to be turned into objects at rest. some...objects at eternal rest, so mote it be.

i'm going to need the power of being in The Zone, my sight so clear thanks to my hyperdrive soul watching time crawl by. i know things i didn't used to know, and i've grown in ways that have let me feel the sunlight on my face. i shine as a beacon for others, in my heart and my growing love. it's almost like throwing yourself off a cliff...and realizing you've known how to fly all along.

women who run with the wolves

when i was eighteen, i met a very handsome carib with gorgeous dreadlocks and a flashing smile. he told me, in his deep and lilting voice, i needed to read women who run with the wolves. i was 21 before i took his advice.

i couldn't get beyond page 40. i kept hurling the book across the room, walking away and "forgetting" i was reading it. i eventually loaned it to someone and never asked for it back. it hit too close to home and i wasn't ready for what lay within.

eventually i bought another copy. however, it was years before i could sit down and clear it cover to cover. i could've let it sit on my bookshelf with a bookmark between pages 39 and 40 for all i got it.

in between contemplating the dichotomies what govern our lives, i've been re-reading the book. some things make much more sense after you've already mapped the terrain, don't you think? i found it more encouraging and validating than anything. she talks about the hidden nature of Wild Woman, about healing the deep psychic scars left by a woman's culture, family, and her own mind.

i once told someone that since the last of my mentors had shunned me, it was a signal that it was time to be my own master. and, as my own master, i felt it was time to go down into the darkness and see what i found there. i spoke from a visceral, uterine longing to plunge my arms into moist black soil up to my elbows; a desire to be mute, to tape my eyes shut, to rub ashes in my hair and lie down with their salty, smoky taste on my tongue. i wanted to wander in the black, like diogenes with my own lamp, only instead of an honest man, i wanted to find my inner demons, hold my lamp up close to their faces, and feel the pustules on their skin, smell the necrosis, listen to the scrape of their claws and tentacles against the walls and floor of their dwellings. it was a longing i felt deep in my womb. i knew it was what i had to do.

he told me i'd be following the path of Vader and was making a big mistake. not to mention my gross arrogance in claiming to know what was best for myself. jeez, how could i be so stupid?

the thing is...he would have been absolutely correct...if i'd been a man. but while he might be well-versed in men's mysteries and the hero's journey, he knew nothing of the heroine's journey or the existence of la loba, Wolf Woman. it's not his fault, the poor dear. women's mysteries are the domain of women.

naturally.

and as my journey has shown, i was right on the money. i'm ascending from the underworld and returning with wonders. such wisdom as "love thine enemies" now makes absolute sense and i wonder that i couldn't see it before.

this particular cycle of my journey ends with love. fitting, since it began with love.

like the ugly duckling, i was punished for being what i was --female, and a child-- by my bio-father, and at best ignored, at worst spurned and guilt-tripped and manipulated by my bio-mother. i'm over it. really.

what i sat for a day marvelling at was that all i needed to trigger my healing journey was parental love: the very thing that made such a journey necessary in the first place. however, i wouldn't trade my dysfunctional, abused first two decades for anything. it's because of my travails and ugly duckling life of searching, longing, and despair that i am as strong and resilient as i am. as a former homeless person appreciates every day under a solid roof in a way no one else can, i appreciate the value of my solid intuition, courage, honesty, Funk, and love.

when my adopted parents sat in their living room and gave me a parent's unconditional and unequivocal love, it was as if i were a locked chest and their love the key. they unlocked the chest and flocks and flocks of doves, eagles, and wild swans burst forth to fill the skies.

i'm coming up in rebirth. this new stage in my life is crowning. new year's is thirteen days away -- a lucky number. my third decade on this earth draws to a close (kinda scary...beginning decade no. 4), and no matter how many times i've tried here, i can't seem to capture in words how this particular upcoming mile marker is affecting me. i end up with these rambling, esoteric entries reflecting my train of thought...but that's all it is: my thoughts.

i fail yet again to convey --as i always intend to begin writing-- how this is affecting me emotionally. i... can't... wait... to be thirty. i look forward with so much hope and excitement. i feel ready --finally!-- to start actually living. all the pieces are finally here. my power is in my hands and heart. i know what i want, and i know how to speak. the wonderous gifts i brought back from my time with the Death Goddess are in my sure possession. i have Her blessing.

it's like... i'm ready for life, for adulthood, for whatever may come. i've never been able to say that before.

may the Funk be with you. i love you more than i love you.

3-ring blogging

i had my brain at my parents while there, since i had no access to the internet (not really). but i know i've mentioned that, wherever i go, i always have a brain in my purse should i want to write something down. i wrote this yesterday:

i don't know if this is even interesting or just morbid, or simply an example that yes, i am getting older... but i sat down and thought and dreamt of good and evil, love and hate, life and death a lot these last couple of weeks. with the nights growing colder, and the sun dying beneath the horizon earlier and earlier, it's easy to simply stay inside where it's bright and warm. yet now is when i find myself drawn outside to gaze up at the beauteous glory of the harvest moon and sigh in rapture at the frosty glow she casts at midnight.

i've never seen such a bright, knowing moon...

october sails by, eerily silent as a ghost ship in thick fog, and halloween approaches. with it comes the witches' New Year. less and less do i see the commercial trappings of merchants capitalizing on our sacred holiday, and each year i feel more deeply the undertow of the sacred and mysterious Life, Death, and Rebirth cycle.

i have felt this so keenly as of late, within my own body and spirit as well as all around me. yesterday i began bleeding, right after the height of the full moon was past. this, too, is fitting, i think. it began as i slept --apt, don't you think, metaphorically?-- and while a force inside the deepest part of me died, its death throes triggered the release of a new force just beginning its own journey. life begets death begets life. perfect and beautiful balance.

a few days ago i dreamt of a conversation between Good and Evil. it was quite the discussion, taking place at the beginning of time. all of the other archetypical forces had been spoken for, all the fun ones like war and peace, wine and beer, wisdom, blacksmithing, debauchery. and then, regarding one another with a heavy sense of responsibility, they stood up as one and said, "okay, we'll take Good and Evil," knowing it would pit one against the other until Doomsday.

Good was just as grave a decision as who would take Evil, knowing balance must always be maintained. "well," said Good, "i know you only do your duty, so i will hold nothing against you at the End. but from now until the End of Time, i and my agents will fight you with all at our disposal."

Evil gave a gracious bow. "and so will i you, old friend. i would have it no other way."

thus was born another pair: Friend, and Enemy.

and then Evil regarded Good and said thoughtfully, "i suppose if you will have your agents, i must have mine. where you will have Buddha and Lincoln, Jesus and Ghandi and Lennon, i must have my Hitler and Manson, my Inquisition. i will grant you have Harriet Tubman, the Magdelene, the Make a Wish Foundation. but i will have the Duchess Elizabeth Bathory, Lee Harvey Oswald, Enron, and Starbuck's." Evil waved a hand lazily. "you can save the whales, but i'll destroy the ozone. you get green energy, but i definitely get the alien invasion down the line. after all, there must always be maintained a balance."

"very well," said Good. "but do not forget the little things, as well. you may have your murderers and pedophiles, rapists and abusers of women, children, and animals. you may even have your politicians, oil moguls, and schoolyard bullies. but oh! i shall have policemen, and firemen, and trainers of search-and-rescue dogs. i will have healers for every type of physical and psychological ailment your agents create. i'll have stay-at-home moms and heroic single parents. i'll have good samaritans and Humane Society volunteers. i'll have artists of every breed, and common people spontaneously creating iVillages and eCommunities to band together and bond together in support and Hope."

Evil narrowed eyes in thought, regarding Good for a long while before laughing. "impressive."

Good grinned back. "i know."

they shook hands as friends, parted as enemies, and we have lived under their dichotomy ever since. the great irony is that, in the end, whoever wins is a moot point. it won't matter because the balance will have been maintained. it's not whether Good or Evil triumphs in the world or out in the wide universe. it only matters what wins out in ourselves.

love and hate? while by no means simple, my dance with them was brief and easy once i was honest with myself regarding my true nature. i love my bio-mom, but my silence is my answer: for what she's done, and the truth she revealed, there is no room for her in my life. for *k*, it's no different than the million other women out there giving birth, all of them strangers with no bearing on my life. for my family, mine was the story of the ugly duckling, finding others with my funky-beautiful plumage in the springtime of my life.

i don't know that my bio-family would ever understand. but my soul high-tailed it up to oregon and is happily munching on spiritual milk and cookies in someone else's kitchen.

we go where feeds the soul. we go where the song will sing flesh back onto our bones, where the well of emotion will slake our great thirst for purpose, fulfillment, and belonging. we go where we are loved, and it is in the loving we learn the steps of the deeper dance of Life, Death, and Rebirth. to make love is to dance the dance. to truly live is to dance.

find where you are truly alive, and you will find friendship, kinship, and the lover's intimate knowledge of Life and Death and Rebirth, of Good and Evil, of Love and Hate and Indifference.

only, remember: the greatest of these is Love.

may the Funk be with you.

when i get all steamed up...

...now, i won't shout, but i'm definitely in that "seeing red" stage. between what i PRAY is a misunderstanding, two stupid dogs, and no decent sleep since tuesday, (not to mention a complete rape of my personal routine --which i LOVE) i'm seeing all sorts of lovely shades of red.

i think this, more than anything, cements that while i love dogs, after kuma i don't think i will ever, ever have a dog in my life. ever. and it's not a, "oh, delena, you're just a cat person." i HATE that response. i love dogs. i love everything about dogs. i miss freckles, my childhood dog. she was my best friend. but after living with kuma the wunderhund, and after so long working with dogs day in and day out, i can honestly say that i have no tolerance for a stupid, poorly trained dog. unfortunately, that's what many dogs i see are. after only a few days with two dogs who can do tricks for treats but are not trained (no matter what my mom says), it's very clear i have no tolerance for pretty much anything other than another kuma. and he was one of a kind.

i can't WAIT until mom and dad get home and i can come home. and sleep. and not be around dogs. and sleep. and have my routine back. and sleep. and not be bored. and sleep. and not be isolated (no phone signal, no internet, town is 20 mins away). and sleep.

lately

there's been so much going on lately. so much. eventually i'll get around to writing about it all. i don't want to sound like i'm bitching here, because i'm not. it's just been overwhelming in delena land, is all. and i think sometimes i'm guilty of thinking i'm wonder woman and can do anything without stopping, without building up some sort of endurance.

i do it all...and my body rebels. and i've just been tired. just...tired.

but i think things are finally getting back on track, and while i'm still tired all the time, i don't feel like my brain is fried. i was spending a lot of time on WoW while my fried brain recovered from september and the money sink.

and oh goddess, what a money sink...

the next couple of weeks i'm house and pet-sitting for my parents while they vacation in scotland. they were so excited about it; it was kinda cute to watch. so while they're off gallavanting in the highlands, i'll be watching two dogs and five cats. it'll be peaceful, though.

and aside from a whole lotta chaos, things have been pretty good, too. lots of things to think about, though. apparently yesterday (two days ago?) i became an aunt. my oldest bio-sister finally had that baby her biological clock's been kicking her to have for years. and while i'm getting text messages, pics, and phone calls regarding it...it's the older bio-sister i haven't seen nor spoken to in five years and never really plan to see nor speak to again. yet the members of my bio-family that i do still speak to think i actually care. which i don't. a perfect stranger had a baby two days ago, and suddenly --because her uterus works-- i'm supposed to just say, "hey, all's forgiven, why not come back into my life with all your baggage and self-righteous drama!"

like hell. my life is fantastic, and fantasmically drama-free. i've worked hard to make it so. and in my quest to become my own Funky groovemate, i've found in my own realm of Funktastic bootyliciousness that the standards for my groovemates has risen, as well. only those who pass the test, who love, protect, treasure, and adore me are allowed within the walls of Delena's Land of Funkalicious Wonder and Funktastic Bliss.

BYOF. Bring Your Own Funk. drama not allowed. self-righteousness not allowed. hypocrisy not allowed. dishonesty, disloyalty, and self-centeredness not allowed.

Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love...welcome.

unfortunately, while love conquers all and has compassion as its cornerstone, love is not foolish enough to allow just anyone to trample through its sacred gardens. some things just cannot exist in the presence of love, and if a person has those things toward me...obviously there is no love for me. and so, while i can let go whatever heinousness they committed against me, it doesn't mean i need to allow them anywhere near me again.

i'd been delaying Project: Bio-Mom for this very reason, as well. i've been avoiding having to admit that i'm perfectly happy without her in my life at all, ever. as well as *k*, my oldest bio-sister. i love you, ladies, but your own self-righteousness and hypocrisy give you no room in my bohippian empire of Funk, disco, and rainbow sherbet punch.

my Funk is right here. if you love me, you'll know where to find me.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Norepinephrine is a hormone that can make you feel good even when it's generated by stress. According to a study by the Positive Health Center in London, successful women produce that hormone in abundance. I have no medical research, just astrological guesswork, to back up my claim that you Capricorns will have a special relationship with norepinephrine in the coming weeks. As a result, high- pressure situations that might have sapped your energy or frayed your nerves in the past may actually energize you. You could find yourself having a blast as you push harder to foster excellence.



i thought about this one, and i actually have to agree with him in retrospect. at first i didn't, and i couldn't see how this week's reading could actually apply to me, but i must agree...i've gotten a new personal relationship with naturally-produced norepinephrine.

i've done a lot this month, i really have. and i've spent even more. sometimes my breath catches when i realize just how much i've spent, and that it's my neck on the line for over ten thousand dollars. but...

and here's the kicker...

...it doesn't stress or freak me out the way you'd think it would. it gets me, and my breath catches. i apparently get a look on my face, or fall silent, because either *ds* or *ks* inevitably comes to me and asks if everything's all right. i tell them. there's their hand on my shoulder, and i remember to breathe.

and then i remember why i did it in the first place, and i remember that i'm going to be so wildly successful ima freakin' pwn the entrepreneurial world.

and i'm still single --haven't committed to anything except my family and my business-- but when he comes, it'll be fantasmically wonderlicious. sometimes i wonder if i've met him already. sometimes i wonder when i will. and sometimes i wonder why the hell i'm even wondering.

because when it all gets boiled down, my family is happy and thriving and that's all that matters. and these things that normally would have seen me set my hair on fire already?

...meh. i've seen worse, and i'm still here. it's all cake and pie, baby.

may the Funk be with you.

let it be

talk about speaking words of wisdom. it was rather cute, honestly...

*backing up...*

so this month has been monstrously busy, but i think it's finally slowing down. i'm actually going on a date tonight! i know. whoa. there was the business trip that ike ate, the camping trip with mom and dad, my sister *rc*'s wedding (altho i suppose she's *re* now???), my kitty-poo's trip to the vet, the Funkmobile's trip to the vet, more trips to the vet for all four kitties yesterday (we had a massive flea attack, so everyone got boarded and we bombed. i was running out of the apartment yelling, "charlieeeee! incomiiiiiing!"), running around to target for a toaster (effing YAYNESS!) and office depot for a file cabinet and a really irresistable brown-and-pink-trim bag that i got for TWO BUCKS...and there was supposed to be a vegas trip for another seminar, but i cancelled that one. i'm kinda tired, and i haven't seen *c* since before the business trip that ike ate.

today i'm having lunch with my insurance agent (she's so rockin' cool), and tomorrow i'm headed over to *cc* and *mj*'s to kitty sit while they're in tennessee subjecting *cc* to her in-laws (my prayers go with you, my sister). next month, i get to do the same thing for mom and dad for three weeks (???) while they take a trip to scotland.

i woke up kinda early, so i thought i'd hop on WoW and just do things like check mail and level up my professions, and chat to people in my guild and ally channels. it's as pleasant as morning coffee. my phone rings and i think, "good thing i didn't decide to go back to sleep."

it was my bio-dad just calling to say hello since we hadn't talked in a while. i felt so bad, i told him, because things have been so busy and expensive, and i haven't even thought about calling people. i haven't even been sending out my, "*HUGS!* okay, i heart u!" text messages lately, i've been so spread thin. so we talked a bit, and he was all, "so...you're turning thirty in a few months, aren't you?" i said yeah, and he whistled through his teeth.

"i keep telling people that i'm just turning thirty, flirty, and fabulous," i said. to be honest, facing my thirties doesn't intimidate or depress me. kinda the opposite. it's like, okay, my twenties are over. now i can be serious and have people take me seriously. i'm kinda looking forward to my thirties, looking forward to what's in store for me. wonderful things happen in that era.

and my dad kinda gave me this new outlook. he said that every decade is like a different lifetime that you really --in retrospect-- gotta take as itself. and he told me he finally learned not to live for anything else, but to just do what he likes and what makes him happy.

i love hearing that. and it also makes me feel like i kinda got a head start in that department.

it was a really nice morning conversation, just my ol' dad imparting wisdom to a growing daughter. my 29th birthday wasn't nearly so special as i think this one will be. kinda looking forward to being thirty, flirty, and fabulous. and i kinda like being on the receiving end of my bio-dad's caring wisdom. it's such a far cry from where we were ten years ago today, that's for sure.

ah, how we've all grown, eh?

O.O !!!

OH MY GODDESS!!

she's so quiet, and she rides so smoothly! the repair bill came out to even less for the Funkmobile than i'd anticipated, so that's a good thing.

and i could swear that it's a whole different car now.

oh Funkmobile, i love you.

ah, wheels...

so i went to the dealership yesterday thinking that all i was gonna do was repair my rear CV boot (passenger side) on the Funkmobile. of course, as they looked at my darling car, apparently there was rubber on my axles that needed replacing soon.

"great," i said. "just do it, my blessing, call me when it's done. keep the car overnight if you have to." this was after two hours of lunching at red robin (yay, burgers!), and by that time it was 16:45, so i figured why not? get it done.

so i got a shuttle home.

then i was thinking about that hole in the Funkmobile's muffler... decided to call the dealership back up and see how much it would cost. everything together would still be under a grand, so i gave them my blessing.

hence, i have been without Funkmobile since then, and will be without it for another day.

le sigh.

but when i get her back? oh yeah, me 'n the Funkmobile are gonna rock. a thousand bucks poorer, but we'll rock the casbah baby, oh yeah.

sacred life sunday: prettiness is in the eye...

proof that i can actually a.) sit still for a camera, b.) smile, and c.) look pretty (with lots and lots of makeup and hair attention).

this is me in the hotel yesterday after the hair and makeup, but before the dress. there are tons more pics of me as a bridesmaid stuffed into the red thing, but aside from the professional photos, there's only one pic in the slew where i'm actually just smiling and behaving. everything else is just proof that, if a camera's pointed at me, i ain't gonna take it seriously.

but i whipped out my phone and took this one because i wanted proof that yes, even delena can be pretty sometimes.

continental breakfast

the embassy suites downtown has an awesome continental breakfast, btw.

omg.

bridesmaid

so remember that wedding i was gonna be in? yeah, it's later today. i'm actually posting this from *rc*'s laptop here in the hotel room. we had an adventurous day with the wedding rehearsal (which i missed, lol) and mom absconding with all our stuff for hours on end.

yay.

but now we're here, with the majority of a huge bottle of barefoot moscato gone. we jumped on the bed, had security called on us, played with mud masks (yay, mud!), and now we're doing relay showers.

i made *rc* play "choose the shoes" because i had such a helluva time trying to find something to go with the strapless, 3/4 length red thing she's having me wear. the 3/4 length is enough to make me look about as shapely as a refrigerator box. white shoes looked like hell (and it's after labor day), and anything red and strappy made my feet look like i had tried to shoehorn pork sausages into strappy red teacups.

so i tossed five pairs in, including a new curvy suede pair i'd just bought, and told her, "choose the shoes, chica."

...she chose my favorite "fuck me heels."

not that i intend to get laid at the reception or anything. in fact, right after the service and pics are done, i'm running around barefoot. but still. i was quite happy.

it'll be good. and it'll be a beautiful day, and my sister's so happy and excited. we're having a hair/makeup person come to make us all prettiful.

just thought i'd mention.

i would say, "it's about frackin' time..."

...but that wouldn't be very dignified or At Peace of me, would it?

screw it.

it's about frackin' time! i got my business loan today, finally. the lady was nice, except for about a half hour when she wouldn't stop pushing me and i very nearly bit her head off. i was feeling quite munchy at the time, too, and almost laid it out for her.

luckily, i didn't have to.

so i have my business loan. now comes the advertising campaign of doom.

also, first thing i did with that loan money was take my rumbly-bumbly to the vet. ever since i brought him home, he's been a sniffly li'l kid. the sniffles, sneezing (sometimes over two dozen sneezes in a row, and yes, i've counted), wheezy and raspy breathing, swollen and runny eyes...he's been a mess. i thought it was a cold or allergies, so i took him to the vet and had his shots taken care of, and got him tested for feline leukemia.

thank the goddess it wasn't that!

then the money ran out, and i was giving him reiki and putting airborne in the kitty fountain until i could do something. finally, this loan.

it's not allergies, which i was convinced it was considering the flare-ups. the vet said it was herpes simplex, and most kitties are exposed and are carriers. my poor baby is just one of the lucky ones to manifest symptoms. he'll always have it, but now i have meds and a plan of action to manage this and keep him comfortable. and if it gets bad to the point where i just can't stand how uncomfortable he is (which won't be difficult to do, since i really am a fussy mother on the inside) i can pop on in and have them give him a cortisone shot.

thank the gods i have answers. i hate not knowing what's going on, and watching him suffer.

all this means now is that rumblestrut's going to be the kid with the chronic health problem that gets totally fussed over and lavished upon because of it.

i have No Problem with this.

he's my darling rumbly-bumbly, my strapping, nearly-thirteen-pound bruiser who's as graceful as a drunk elephant. oh, my kitty-poo, i love you.

speaking of...

The wiser the soul, Delena, the greater the simplicity.

In everything,
The Universe

what was i saying in my last post?

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I would love to place an elegant gold crown on your head. I have the urge to declare you monarch of the expanding realm, maker of new laws, and reshaper of the collective vision. Are you up for wielding that much power? Can you handle an increased level of responsibilities? Or would you prefer to preside over a smaller domain, content merely to keep the daily grind from erupting into chaos now and then? It's mostly up to you. What do you want?


what do I want?

(well, aside from preferring silver, or white gold to actual gold...)

i have been monarch of my new and expanding realm. i am queen mother, high priestess, and supreme goddess of delena land.

something's been happening during this chaos-and-rebuild. something in me's been going through and finding all those things that seem reasonable but severely don't work for me, and has simply been upending and totally demolishing them. in ripping out all that facing, underneath i've been finding the most beautiful and luminescent peace and simplicity.

my new laws are natural laws, not ones i or anyone else has written, but just laws that are: serenity, simplicity, love.

and as i get higher above the chaos, i find not more laws, but fewer. i find not more responsibilities, but fewer.

i've learned to be quiet with myself. i've learned what the monks and swamis call "Be Here Now." now is all there is. on my blog i might say much, only because unless it's experienced, this experience cannot really be described...but i try to anyway. in person? i find i'm talking less and less, being quieter and more still. this isn't a state or emotion to encounter and meet with excitement, but one to sit with and be still with. time loses meaning here.

this is my domain, and this is my headdress. this is my medicine stick.

it simply Is.

hmm

if you are what you eat, then i'm open late...

taste better with fire sauce...

and can be upgraded to an extra large for ten cents more.

taco hell, i curse you. i swear, you put crack in your burritos.

i waaaaaant it!