8.30.2008

"thank you for calling Support..."

i know technically it's saturday, but i haven't gone to bed and awakened to a new day, so to me it's still technically friday night. just really late.

anyway.

so today i called up holosync support because a.) i've been meaning to, and b.) after my last blog post, it really just hit home for me why i really needed to not put it off any longer.

the guy on the other end of the line told me what *ks* had told me the other day, confirmed what i said in my last post, only he was able to really elaborate. and he was able to tell me that what's happening to me happens to a lot of people.

which is a relief, because i thought i was seriously regressing to Old Delena. like, pre-Kali Summer Delena.

scary.

(aka terrifying)

i haven't been having any outbursts. i'm more the implosive temper type, y'know? but i can't exactly hide it completely; i just work my hardest to avoid inflicting this targetless negativity upon anyone else. sometimes, though, it's been a very real challenge not to, and sometimes i wonder how obvious the internal, titanic struggle truly is.

because there are days when it sounds like Clash of the Titans inside myself.

it's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.

very exhausting.

i was told it's my resistance of and struggle with this that's creating the suffering, which i figured. however, i couldn't quite understand how to avoid both struggling with it (creating suffering) and simultaneously avoid inflicting this anger on anyone else.

of course, all of this probably makes very little sense without understanding how holosync actually works. it's like power-meditating, receiving all the benefits (and challenges) of years and years of meditation very quickly, but it also causes all these stressors to be released from your subconscious and nervous system, and it's a soul detox. so toxins are being released, and the deeper i go into this, the harder i push myself (like an athelete would, only i'm training my mind and soul) the more gets released.

something he said...something about how i'm trying to stop the flow of the river, which is impossible. something about how i'm pushing and pulling and trying to keep control so hard that i'm exhausting myself...and finally i'll just learn to let go, or through sheer exhaustion i won't be able to fight anymore.

yet more lessons in How To Let Go, which i've never been great at.

something he said just hit me so hard, i was standing there in the kitchen crying like a total idiot. and i didn't even really know why, except that his words had reached like a hand inside me and gripped my solar plexus in his fist.

something he said just enveloped my entire difficulty with so many very deep things --my difficulties letting go, my encompassing block against crying, even Freedom Revolution-- and there i was, with tears down my stupid face. i hate crying. ironic as it sounds, there's this part of me that wants to learn how to cry so badly. how the hell does someone cry without feeling like a total fucking idiot? how does one cry without being utterly disgusted with one's self? i have no idea how.

but yeah. what he said punched right through me and squeezed my solar plexus. you know how you can squeeze silly putty in your fist and it oozes out between your fingers? that's the visual i got of my chakra, and just about as violent: a fist punching through me, squeezing the crap out of my poor little yellow gut chakra. it almost knocked me onto my ass chakra.

apparently the only thing to do is continue to detox, which means continuing to do exactly as i've been doing, and just wait it out. i wish there were some sort of spiritual ipecac or meditational castor oil. maybe stick a finger down my throat chakra? hork it all up, then tuck me up on the couch with blankets, soft pink fuzzy socks, lots of herbal teas, and lemme watch practical magic and the last unicorn.

yeah. i wish.

4 comments:

Shell said...

I wanted to post yesterday because I understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes we need to just feel and let it come out of us. This weekend just stay in. Watch cool movies and let the feelings come out. Don't fight it. It's hard not to when the feelings hurt. Betting out of you then festering inside. Hugs to you.

Kota Bear said...

Whatever you need, I'm here for you. If it's fuzzy socks, blankets and herbal tea, so be it. If it's 'stay the bleep out of the way' days, you got it. No matter what. We'll make it through this rough patch. And you know what? A brighter, better, stronger, wiser, more together Delena is going to come out the other end of this tunnel! That's the miracle of all this.... Someone took the train off the track!

This Guy said...

This may sound wierd, but I absolutly love to cry. It is such a cleansing action for me. I feel SO much better after a real good cry. I think that tears carry away the negativity and saddness, help you get it out of your system.

I'm not familiar with the Holosync, can you give me a coles notes version on what its all about?

Damn its good to catch up on your blog!! :P Ps. I can be one of those Fucktards somedays! hahaha ;)

Anonymous said...

a random search for "holosync temper outburts" brought me to your blog. And i thank you for publicly sharing all this. The similarity to what you experienced, and what i am experiencing now through holosync, to me in uncanny. I have such a hard time letting go, I share your sentiments with crying, and my experience has patterned yours as well. With holosync at first giving me amazing confidence in my self, and a feeling of well being, but now, i feel as if a part of me from 8 years ago, a very dark and hard time in my life, that malaise and angry mindstate, juxtaposes over my current being, and results in behaviour and things i say, that i can't explain to myself or to the others it affects. I too, have a business project i ve put myself into, most of my finances, and feel like i m surrounded by closed minded fools, that if they just let go of their preconceptions, would see the immense merit.

Anyways, reading your words was exactly what i needed to hear today. Ask, and ye shall be answered , i guess.
Thank you for sharing, and good luck :)