where spare time is doled out in minutes

i found myself with a few spare minutes this morning before i head to work. of course, i have no idea what i wanted to write about, just that i wanted to write something. i miss my iVillage, i miss reading about your lives and hopes and inner journies, i miss hearing from you.

dear gods in heaven, i'm so busy lately that my brain doesn't work even when it needs to, and this last week i've spent much of my free time sleeping. so it really doesn't feel free to me. i threw in the towel and gave up on a social life, and i decided to walk away from dating and the whole funkalicious quest to find my groovemate. i just don't have the mental energy for that kind of emotional pain.

i thought working and going to school were so that i could improve myself and my quality of life, so that i could go out and enjoy life. but i just feel like i'm in a lockdown, like i'm living to work and go to school. with summer, things are really picking up at work, and i devote a lot of 6-day weeks to it. finals are coming up. after finals, i have state exams to study for, for my license (so i can, y'know, work more).

i miss my family, i miss writing, i miss waking up next to someone. perhaps it's just not the right time in my life, but it's never the right time in my life. for the first time in my life, i'm sincerely and painfully lonely, and it came on the heels of the realization that my Funk really can't survive in the presence of an Other. there's a lot of anger, and pain, and exhaustion. it feels like i've taken a huge step backward. looking through some journal entries i'd made on another blog (that died, btw) i'd said that i felt i was ready for wetter, wilder, more interesting challenges. and then this ginormous shit pie flew right into my face.

and i can't stand slapstick, lol.

so here i am. i don't know how to clean this up, or what to do with it. i'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that i find myself stuck in depression and i don't know how to get out of it. there's just so much anger. i don't even know what all of it's from, either. the Funk is so far away i can't feel it. sometimes i don't want to even do the work necessary to get back in touch with it. i just want to sleep.

i'm very confused. and my schedule has gotten me so isolated, that i'm feeling rather alone. i've hit a point --with learning how to eat all over again, school, work, duties around the house, my family-- that i can't do this alone. it's too much.