8.30.2008

dark moon

and she looked at me, finger to her lips. her only visible red tattoo the stain on her palms, but i knew the pomegranate priestess. she said to me:

"most people celebrate the full moon.

they feel her strong pulse, are drawn to her bright light. she speaks to many, beautiful and pale and radiant.

my power has always lain in the dark moon.

not the "new" moon.

dark moon.

(and no, i'm not emo, thanks...)

she's beautiful in her own way.

silent, yet profound.

infinite, powerful depths to her, each bit of knowledge something one must work hard and unfailingly to receive.

promising riches...if you can withstand her.

powerful subsonic call, vibrates the marrow.

crone energy.

dark wisdom.

in the dark, your pupils dilate wiiiiiide open to see vague shapes in the chairoscuro shadows. you must be wide open and accepting --even unto pain and great risk-- in the dark moon.

...nothing is as it seems.

...you must learn your own dark power to interpret the dark shadows, to hear the dark music.

nothing is the same to any two people.

there are things only blossom in the dark of the moon. things only found to those who can find them...

...those who are wide open.

it's not for everyone. it's not even for most people.

only a small some.

there are those who honor Her in Her Darkness, who respect Her.

few are Denizens.

for those who hear it, the celebration is thunderously loud, powerful, and beautiful. how can silence be so loud?

it can.

Her language is of deeper knowing.

be deaf, mute, and blind for a time...and feel the dark moon awaken the sixth sense so you hear more clearly, see further, and speak more deeply than you ever had before.

the dark moon illuminates what lies beneath the deep ocean, while the full moon makes shine the foam on the shore.

one Moon Goddess, two aspects. both necessary for full understanding.

most of Her children awaken in Her full light.

some of us come alive now."

"thank you for calling Support..."

i know technically it's saturday, but i haven't gone to bed and awakened to a new day, so to me it's still technically friday night. just really late.

anyway.

so today i called up holosync support because a.) i've been meaning to, and b.) after my last blog post, it really just hit home for me why i really needed to not put it off any longer.

the guy on the other end of the line told me what *ks* had told me the other day, confirmed what i said in my last post, only he was able to really elaborate. and he was able to tell me that what's happening to me happens to a lot of people.

which is a relief, because i thought i was seriously regressing to Old Delena. like, pre-Kali Summer Delena.

scary.

(aka terrifying)

i haven't been having any outbursts. i'm more the implosive temper type, y'know? but i can't exactly hide it completely; i just work my hardest to avoid inflicting this targetless negativity upon anyone else. sometimes, though, it's been a very real challenge not to, and sometimes i wonder how obvious the internal, titanic struggle truly is.

because there are days when it sounds like Clash of the Titans inside myself.

it's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.

very exhausting.

i was told it's my resistance of and struggle with this that's creating the suffering, which i figured. however, i couldn't quite understand how to avoid both struggling with it (creating suffering) and simultaneously avoid inflicting this anger on anyone else.

of course, all of this probably makes very little sense without understanding how holosync actually works. it's like power-meditating, receiving all the benefits (and challenges) of years and years of meditation very quickly, but it also causes all these stressors to be released from your subconscious and nervous system, and it's a soul detox. so toxins are being released, and the deeper i go into this, the harder i push myself (like an athelete would, only i'm training my mind and soul) the more gets released.

something he said...something about how i'm trying to stop the flow of the river, which is impossible. something about how i'm pushing and pulling and trying to keep control so hard that i'm exhausting myself...and finally i'll just learn to let go, or through sheer exhaustion i won't be able to fight anymore.

yet more lessons in How To Let Go, which i've never been great at.

something he said just hit me so hard, i was standing there in the kitchen crying like a total idiot. and i didn't even really know why, except that his words had reached like a hand inside me and gripped my solar plexus in his fist.

something he said just enveloped my entire difficulty with so many very deep things --my difficulties letting go, my encompassing block against crying, even Freedom Revolution-- and there i was, with tears down my stupid face. i hate crying. ironic as it sounds, there's this part of me that wants to learn how to cry so badly. how the hell does someone cry without feeling like a total fucking idiot? how does one cry without being utterly disgusted with one's self? i have no idea how.

but yeah. what he said punched right through me and squeezed my solar plexus. you know how you can squeeze silly putty in your fist and it oozes out between your fingers? that's the visual i got of my chakra, and just about as violent: a fist punching through me, squeezing the crap out of my poor little yellow gut chakra. it almost knocked me onto my ass chakra.

apparently the only thing to do is continue to detox, which means continuing to do exactly as i've been doing, and just wait it out. i wish there were some sort of spiritual ipecac or meditational castor oil. maybe stick a finger down my throat chakra? hork it all up, then tuck me up on the couch with blankets, soft pink fuzzy socks, lots of herbal teas, and lemme watch practical magic and the last unicorn.

yeah. i wish.

8.29.2008

it's like Kryptonite to the Funk

i've kind of been slacking lately.

pretty much in every department.

half of me doesn't really care all that much.

the other half is too mentally tired, despondent, and discouraged to get up the energy to give more than half a crap, really.

*ks* and i talked the other day, and he said something that hadn't occurred to me and gave me hope. i haven't mentioned my holosync much lately, but i still work with it daily (nightly?) before i go to bed. however lately, instead of helping in constructive-seeming and positive ways, i've hit that stage where it's dredging up lots of abstract and subconscious stuff. as a result, i'm restless, angry and aggravated with no visible cause or outlet, negative, worried, stressed-out, touchy, and fuzzy in the head. and i'm stressed-out to all hell about Freedom Revolution.

then again, i think when it comes to the business, i'm stressed-out less because i haven't met with much success yet, and more because (and this is the negativity talking) it feels like i'm surrounded by fucktards who can't see the prisons they've built around themselves, they continue to argue for their limitations (complaining about them, yet defending them -- which makes no sense), and i can see so many things so clearly now that their foolishness is just fucking frustrating.

i would totally put that into kinder, more understanding verbage if i had the energy to care right now. so much of my energy has gone into finding a way through this stupid obstacle of negativity that i really haven't much to spare. and it's frustrating that i can't solve this one as fast as i'd like to. it's put a cramp in my Funk.

negativity is kryptonite to the Funk.

the problem is that i can't find that big ol' kryptonite rock to get rid of it. i don't know where it's sitting, where it came from, why it's there, how big it is...nothing.

i can't think of a proper analogy because i can't think clearly (another lovely side-effect of Funk Kryptonite), but i know there are systems out there that, when you begin seriously cleaning them out, they run even better for a while but then all the really deep-seated junk build-up that took years to accumulate starts burbling up and causes all sorts of problems, but it's not so much a problem as a symptom of deep cleaning/healing. i think that's what's going on here, which is why i haven't fought it (much...) but i don't know what to do about it.

my normal witchy banishing and cleansing rituals/spells are too lightweight for something this heavy. it's like trying to move a lazy cat by nudging it: ain't gonna happen.

i would feel better if i had some business success. but the deeper soul in me knows that i won't have success until i feel better and clear this out. the deepest soul in me knows i only think i'll feel better. but i won't feel better until i have success. but i won't have success until i feel better. and 'round and 'round i go. it's pissing me off. i'm @#*!-ing terrified i just can't do this and am only lying to myself. i know it's not true, but dammit, it feels true. and every day it seems i encounter more and more people who tell me this whole thing sounds good, and knowing me they see it works, and they're definitely interested, and then...nothing. stop fucking lying to me and wasting my time, i want to say. don't look me in the eyes, say you'll call me, and then fail to do so.

grr.

it's just frustrating because, right now in the game, that's not what i need to be encountering. of course, philosophically, i also hear the voice saying perhaps it's exactly what i need to be encountering. it doesn't help. no, trust me. it doesn't help. the standard advice...i've already given myself. the whole "what would a true leader do in my place?" approach, yeah yeah yeah. heard it all before. not helping. i @#*!-ing want to see some @#*! results for my @#*! hard work and all that very hard-earned money that i've watched leave my bank account for something i believed would work.

the system, i still believe in.

myself? not so much.

8.28.2008

on the map

walking distance of my apartment


one of the best things i love about the portland metro is its modest-yet-startling beauty spread out amidst Urbania and Metropolis. i know this photo doesn't look like much, but it's the wide open spaces and all that gorgeous portland sky that gets me every time. and it's less than a mile from my apartment. i know my town isn't quite portland metro, but just south. still, i love it.

holladay park, NE 11th ave

this place always makes me smile, too, because it's a little pocket of pleasant right smack in the middle of corporate buildings and lloyd center in downtown portland. it's not quite The Block at Orange, but then again, The Block isn't quite Pioneer Square, either. so it's a trade off. but this little park is a breath of fresh air and balm for the eyes. portland is known as the city of bridges and the city of roses, but it's also home to the largest urban park in the country, and the smallest park in the world. we love our parks.

all in all, the best place to live in the whole, wide world.

8.26.2008

you are what you eat

if you are what you eat,

then i need to start eating lots of wealthy food

with lots of time on its hands

to travel to tahiti and invest in real estate.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Below is an excerpt from a Charles Baudelaire poem, as translated by Louis Simpson. "Ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking . . . ask what time it is, and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: 'It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.'" It is a perfect time in your astrological cycle to draw inspiration from that counsel, Capricorn. In addition to wine, poetry, and virtue, consider trying anything else that might work to achieve the desired exaltation, like meditation, dancing, sex, dream work, or a vision quest.


well, that might actually be what needs to happen. i'm still waiting for the temporarily-blinding transition from shadow into dazzle-riffic lighty wowness.

a minor concussion yesterday has forced me to pretty much do nothing today. so i've had a lot of time to sit and think and talk to *ks* about a few things.

but yes, much-needed exultation. i haven't posted daily deelite in a few days because, quite frankly, beauty and truth fans, i haven't really been feeling all that grateful and i didn't want to post a lie up here, or in any other way make the gratitude forced. i've been intenstly discouraged, actually, and feeling like a big, fat failure in a lot of areas, but mainly with Freedom Revolution. and i've been doing a lot.

i will not post a frustrated rant up here about it.

no matter how much i want to.

no matter how i've been ranting and running around in circles in my head figuring this whole thing out.

...no matter how much i might want to.

i've come to the decision that it's all right to do nothing. not "nothing" in the typical definition of sit-on-your-ass-unproductively. but i'm going to take no forward or outward action right now. i'm going to handle this as a woman and go downward and inward. i'm also going to throw out those things about the business model that don't work for me, no matter how much everyone else in this business says, "do them. they work. just do them."

no thanks. i'm gonna re-work some of the business model delena-style, thanks.

and i'm going to continue with this. fuck it if no one i know and love comes with me on this. i know where i'm headed, i believe in where i'm headed, and i'm going to get there come hell or high water. i know i'll never be alone when i get there, because i'll be surrounded by people who think like i do, who act as i do: who believe in freedom, in a better life and richer opportunities, and who don't let anyone's fear (including their own) hold them back. who cares if no one comes with me? i will come with me, and i'm the best company of all. i can extend the invitation, but in the end if someone --friend, family member, co-worker-- chooses to be left behind, that's their choice.

i need to stop caring and feeling responsible for them, and i need to stop feeling guilty for leaving them behind. not my choice.

i also need to learn to feel okay with those feelings, with being a little harsher than i've ever been. in the past, i'd always chosen to remain behind with someone rather than forge ahead (really) on my own. i popped out of my bio-mother way more empathic than was probably good for me.

maybe it's time i had more empathy for myself. feeling bad for those who can't see the freedom for the fear...it's holding me back. i once wrote a story about a lioness who thought she was a mouse. i could never finish it because i never knew how it ended. now i know.

one day she realized, truly, that she was a lioness: the greatest hunter in the jungle or on the plains. one of her could send thousands in a herd stampeding. she lived her prowess, and never went hungry again. the end.

i am a lioness. i AM a Thunder Walker.

fear is not in my paradigm.

so effing mote it be.

i'm gonna go get drunk on stories now.

8.25.2008

ngh.

pretty, huh?

bridesmaid dresses.

i'm a bridesmaid.

this wouldn't be a problem...

...usually.

pretty dresses, pretty SHOES, pretty hair, pretty SHOES, makeup, SHOES...


except that, given the size of delena's bust/waist/hips, i'm three different sizes. and they're all strapless. of all the choices *rc* gave me, they're all strapless with cinched waists.

this just does not do if you're delena, e.g. short and sadly plump. this is why you never see pics of me up here that haven't already been doctored...if i stand for pics at all. don't get me wrong. i have quite a lovely face, and i'm frequently complimented on my smile. but pretty much from the face down i need a personal trainer, a concentration camp diet, and tens of thousands of dollars in emergency-recovery surgery.

no wonder i shop at goodwill and usually stay out of weddings.

8.24.2008

sacred life sunday: all good things

as the colors change,
and the colors of my heart,
i contemplate fall.


about three weeks ago, *cr* and i talked about how It had happened: the color of the sunlight had changed, had taken on a warmer, golden hue. we'd noticed it over a month ago, only a fortnight after midsummer, but three weeks ago it was very, very definite.

and today i saw my first tree turning down the green for the vibrancy of orange, salmon, burnt sienna, saffron, cinnamon, cranberry...

i love the stunning vividness of autumn, i really do. but a part of me is alway so sad to see summer go. we've had our late summer "tropical" storms (warm rain, thunder showers, humidity like a thick and comforting blanket as i sleep naked listening to the rain outside my window), and there's a quivering anticipation in the air. the waiting game has begun, the guessing game of, "how long?"

how long will this warm weather last?
how long will we continue to see the sun?
how long until there is a touch of ice returned to the wind?
how long until the rain freezes?
how long until there is frost on my windshield?

not that i also don't love the fall and winter. father christmas, jack frost, and the snow king are coming. the sun child has lost his laurel crown and grew into the hunter's horns, but now he will be supplanted by the holly king. then will come lughnassadh in full celebration (barrelling for us with the ungodly speed of "egads, this year's gone by fast..."), and john barleycorn will die.

time, then, for the crocheting to come back out, and the needlepoint. time, then, for lentil soups; sweet cornbread; pumpkin custards; acorn squash with butter, honey, and cinnamon; hard squash breads, baked apple pudding; almond butter; raisined cherries, currants; game hens stuffed with wild rices and shining with a white wine and apricot glaze; sweet red mulled wines; port and cider while reading tarot to the family by candlelight...

with that one tree changing her green gown for the vibrant reds and oranges for one last burst of autumn gaiety before sleeping until spring, my thoughts already turn toward the longer nights, stocking up my house to keep my family comfortable until the light comes again...

...and i can still hear the warm summer rain outside my window.

8.21.2008

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes," wrote Plato in *The Republic,* "either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye quite as much as of the bodily eye." He goes on to say that when a person leaves the light and enters into the shadows, his vision is perplexed, being unaccustomed to the dark. And when he moves from the murk into the brightness, it takes a while for his sight to adjust to the dazzle. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Capricorn, you had to deal with the first kind of temporary blindness about three weeks ago, and will begin experiencing the second kind any day now.


first off, i wanted to point out something i noticed today that pleased me greatly and let me know i'm on the right path: the top 5 topics here at iGoddess are:

* brezsny on the blog (55)
* pronoia (54)
* finding the Funk (49)
* radical intimacy (36)
* daily deelite (35)

this is absolutely awesome. and daily deelite is soon going to overtake and far surpass anything else here, since it's a (for the most part) daily thing.

mr. brezsny, your timing once again is perfect. indeed, there was a period about three weeks ago where i was blinded, blinking and trying to focus in the sudden darkness. i was hit with a wave of insecurity, fear of failure, and intense worry.

it was a visit from three of the thirteen Beasts of Consciousness, the other ten being sorrow, defeat, fear of ruin, futility, doubt, self-cruelty, disappointment, debauchery, indolence, and oppression. you'd think fear would just be all bundled into one, but some fear is healthy. it just has to be the right kind of fear. any hint of fooling yourself into believing that one of your unhealthy fears is a healthy form of fear, and now you're just lying to yourself. i suppose you could say it's a form of self-oppression, couldn't you?

one of these Beasts is enough to immobilize a person, even momentarily. these immobilized me for over a week.

i got over it, tho.

and any day, i'm going to be positively dazzled by my emergence into Blinding Light of Dazzling Wowness. and i've been able to feel it coming, ever since yesterday. there was just a feeling of specialness, as if i'd shifted into a new golden age and was attuned to the energies even though the physical manifestation hadn't come yet.

it was The Beginning. and i felt it.

so i know it's barreling straight for me as i type this. i know it the way i know gravity works. i am the lodestone for Fortune, Abundance, and Ecstatic Wowliciousness. i swear to the Jiggy Funk, i felt it.

and now all i have to do is take action --BIG action-- and prepare for its inevitable arrival. and so i do just that...with a smile on my face, joy in my heart, and a swivel in my saunter.

yeah, baby!

hi, my name is delena and i'm an addict...

if none of you have experimented with the new Google Reader feature, i strongly implore you to do so. it's so wonderful...

it's a way for you to input all the websites you frequent in one easy place, and you can check it as often as you like, and any new material is displayed for you right there, on one screen. no more hopping from website to website, waiting for things to load, etc. even the RSS feed alert isn't as efficient as Reader.

it's also a mirror held up for you to see just what a blog addict you are. and of course by "you" i mean "me."

hi, my name is delena and i'm a blog addict. i'm subscribed to 25 blogs that i read religiously. i'm not a comment junkie yet, but it's only a matter of time. blog reading is a gateway, they say...

i don't mean to do it, it's just there, calling me, and it's so easy and accessible. and everybody's doing it!

think big

thinking big and acting small
is the same thing as thinking small.
--mike dooley



so think BIG

AND TAKE ACTION!!!

accept no limitations

embrace your inner Funk!

greatness is your birthright.

push the limits of what you think is possible...

...and you will find the possibilities are endless.

we are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPC - The Artist


You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.




Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

8.20.2008

Life, the Universe, and Everything

in a very beautiful and moving commencement speech at stanford university on 06.12.05, Apple Computer and Pixar Studios CEO steve jobs had this to say:

Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

just yesterday i was talking about listening to my subconscious. i spoke of feeling intuitively for signs that i was on the right path and had heeded my subconscious correctly. for this, as i told a new friend only today, you must be quiet, still, and receptive. mastering these abilities is tapping into the Feminine, but that's another post for another day

"to thine own self, be true," he could have said. but sometimes those simple-yet-profound words are so abused and misused. they're used to justify laziness, fear, and mediocrity. "but i'm being true to myself, and this is what i want!" people like that say. i say watch out, because the Great Bard himself is gonna rise from his grave and kick the ass of anyone who dares to bastardize his poetry.

i like this elaboration. don't live your life for someone else. don't give yourself to someone else's dogma. don't let their naysaying and negativity override your own intuition which reminds you that you are a Shining Being.

"The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself."
--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 71

again, to thine own self, be true. and not the cop-out type of "being true," either. be true! "be true" as in listen to your intuition, as in trust the guidance and wisdom of your own subconscious, which sees, hears, and processes infinitely more than you do. it remembers every moment of your life from the moment you were born. it does. it gives you those funny feelings when something's "off" and you just can't put your finger on it." it warns you of dangers you might not see yourself. it whispers wisdom into the back of your mind, but it's very quiet. it knows that "he will strain to hear a whisper who refuses to hear a shout." so it whispers. it trusts you and believes in you, so it never feels it has to vie for your attention.

in truth, it shouldn't.

but the mind chatter is so loud, the racous and chaotic rabble of the unfaithful, unbelieving, fearful masters of mediocrity. those who would pull you down to their level so they feel justified in their own misery. they don't want anyone around them to succeed, because they're afraid of facing their own un-success, their own shortcomings and laziness. so they'd rather not feel left behind.

and they drag you down with them.

don't listen to them. trust your own intuition.

are you truly happy at "their" level? are you truly, honestly and ecstatically happy wallowing in mediocrity? "resistance is futile?"

BULLSHIT!

big, fat, heaping gobs of steaming bovine bollwocky.

the stink doth offend the wacky nose of yon Jiggy Snake.

all we were ever put in this Great and WonderFunky Universe to do was to be our greatest selves. to honor the stars from whence we came. we are shining beings, made of the same Divine Wow that the Divine Wow is made of. we are god stepping into our shoes to take a little test drive.

how dare anyone believe that mediocrity, fear, giving in is doing justice to God inside them?

of course, the Table of Bounty was not set for everyone. it takes a caliber of character to rise above fear and mediocrity, to rise above living for someone else's destructive dogma and dance to their inner Funk.

the Funky Jive loves us all deeply. it thrives on bombastic and orgasmic enthusiasm for each and every one of us. it offers to us every great and good thing within its existence, and even invites us to try those things that are outside of "normal" existence. it conspires to shower us with blessings each and every day.

not only is giving up ("resistance is futile") foolish and selfish, it's just damned ungrateful to the Universe for everything you've been given, have, and will be given, world without end. and all we need to do, all that is required of us to honor the god(dess/es) within ourselves is to make the most of ourselves. to find our own Funk. to embrace Life. and you canNOT tell me settling for anything less is making you ecstatically happy.

i call steaming bovine bollwocky on you.

then again, if you really don't want to, then hey, maybe mediocrity really is for you. maybe you are mediocrity (which we both know is totally lame and not true). but hey, if you really want to give up that badly and argue for your own "limitations," then i hope you're happy with what you're doing, because you're going to be doing it and living it for the rest of your life.

isn't it just easier to find your Funk?

daily deelite

Also, faith is born of gratitude. The grateful mind continually expects good things, and expectation becomes faith. The reaction of gratitude upon one's own mind produces faith; and every outgoing wave of grateful thanksgiving increases faith. He who has no feeling of gratitude cannot long retain a living faith; and without a living faith you cannot get rich by the creative method...

It is necessary, then, to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you; and to give thanks continuously.


And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.

--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 49


1. remember that charming young gentleman i've mentioned previously? it might be safe to say he warrants initials here on iGoddess. so he's *cr*, and he and i made enchiladas last night. i showed him the way i learned, and dinner was a fantastic hit. every once in a while i'll go back and make some favorite dish i grew up with, since i don't cook so often anymore (to my private lamentations) and i just love the flavors of my childhood. i really do. i am so grateful to my bio-mom for teaching me how to cook from the time i was seven. i love the authentic flavors of my chicana childhood.

2. i'm grateful for the gorgeous, soothing, cleansing rain. we'd been having glorious heat and i really did appreciate it, but with the cooler breezes and rain, i realize this morning just how much i really do love it up here now, and how i've become friends with the portland weather. i was happy to see it raining!

3. i'm grateful to myself, for having the courage and faith to start my business. just this afternoon i had someone in the portland metro call me up in answer to one of my ads on craigslist. it had to be the most fantastic business call i've had to date. and *ds* was there listening to all of it, and when i hung up, she told me i sounded so confident, and i knew that i'd nailed it. whether or not i have a new customer/business partner, i know it was a perfect phone call.

i know i can do this, and i know i'll succeed. i know it like i know the sun's coming up in the east tomorrow.

4. i'm grateful to Asphalta, Goddess of the Road (friends of mine came up with that goddess years ago, and she's quite open to her devotees, lol). i pray to her when i'm in a crowded parking lot: "Asphalta, Asphalta, look around. There's a parking spot that can't be found!" and she always comes through for me. but this time, my gratitude stems more from finding out the Funkmobile isn't in as bad a shape as i thought. my brakes are fabulous, and mechanically speaking, she's a kickass little car. especially for having 240,000 miles on her. the only thing she needs is new struts in the back, because they're cracking apart severely. but that can be taken care of with about four hundred bucks. that's less than one sale for me. less than half. so thank you, Asphalta!

5. i'm grateful for peaceful, rainy afternoons with hot tea, purring kitties, and pandora.com playing sarah mclachlan, tori amos, norah jones, and michelle branch. if you go to my profile, you can listen to my stations. "wine & candlelight radio" is the soothing female station, and my "cider n' summer nights radio" is the station with the male singers, like damien rice, jack johnson, john mayer, and ben harper. pour yourself a glass of wine (or cider!), soak in the tub with candles, salts, and low lighting, and just listen. you'll see why gratitude comes so easy...

8.19.2008

when the subconscious speaks

it's been said that when you finally slow down, quiet the mind chatter, and listen, you can actually be surprised at just how loudly and clearly your subconscious speaks to you. it happened to me the other day when i was relaxed and half-asleep, and surprised by a kiss.

it happens.

pretty much all my life i've been open to my dreams when they chose to speak to me. now i realize that i had it backwards: i was open to my dreams when i chose to listen to them. apparently i'm doing something right lately, because my subconscious is coming through loud and clear. a lot of the time i used to spend was dedicated to teasing out a meaning from my dreams, if i could at all. now, when i wake in the morning (or afternoon if i went to bed hours after sunrise), i lie in bed for a few moments and recall every aspect of my dream i can, and the exercise actually stimulates more images to come to the surface.

then i ask myself, "what is my subconscious trying to tell me?" reflecting on the imagery, the people, and the concepts, i'm actually able to reach a conclusion that feels right. and when the feeling is in my solar plexus, i know logically it's correct. when i feel it in my womb, i know instinctively it's correct. when i feel it in both places, i know i have reached crystal clarity.

my subconscious has been very talkative lately.

the other night i had a very odd dream. i mean, really odd. a race of intelligent giant squid had subjugated the human race for a food source, but humans had been subjugated for so long it was just accepted that this was how life was, and many even saw the giant squid as benevolent protectors. weird. but anyway, there was a small band of people who were planning on overthrowing the whole system, and it centered on one man with a quiet yet powerful vision.

yeah, i woke up from that one going, "wtf?" but look at the imagery: giant, threatening, devouring monsters unseen in the cold, murky depths of the ocean; a destructive and subjugating paradigm alive so long the monstrosities committed beneath it were considered "normal"; a radical ideology weak compared to the firmly-established genocidal culture; one person at the center, driven by a love for humanity so great he would face death to set them free.

if those (weird) giant squid represent anything, it's the monsterous and destructive belief structure deep in my subconscious that has been inspiring me to self-sabotage, and it's been around so long i take it for granted. but the revolutionary freedom fighter(s) in me are overthrowing the phallocratic paradigm because they're tired of how i keep devouring myself. love and abundance are gentle and quiet by nature, but powerful. but it's like water against a rock, which takes eons to erode. a radical shift must take place. a love for myself so great it's willing to face down the killer giant squid in my psyche, and the parts of me still loyal to their slavery in this evil paradigm, against impossible odds.

so...what destructive beliefs am i still holding onto? because clearly the inner me, the Real Me, is totally sick of them and wants them gone now. so i'll listen, no matter how weird the message was, and honor it. and y'know, it's funny. i've always had an anxiety about swimming in water where i couldn't see the bottom; i never knew what was swimming around down there, just waiting to grab me and pull me under. maybe it wasn't real-live sea creatures i was afraid of?

and today i dreamt i was heading into a building i kind of wanted to enter. suddenly richard's wife opened the front door and greeted me. i was surprised, but i returned her salutations. the building was supposed to be empty, so i asked her, "is there anyone inside?"

"only mr. man," she replied, and somehow i knew she meant richard.

if it meant having to deal with him, i realized that i really didn't want inside that building as much as i thought, and those things i was planning to do inside didn't seem so important anymore. i was able to just let it go, because he wasn't worth the trouble. now, this dream only really makes sense when you know that over the last couple of months i've been really thinking about seeking out richard and willow to thank them. a sort of regret's been filling me. and i really miss willow, but knowing her, she's probably still stuck in the life i last saw her in, which makes her entirely unhappy. no growth.

they're just not worth my time or energy. talk about moving on. i'm too surrounded by fantabulous and mind-blowing Thunder Walkers, bombastic and supportive family, the Funkalicious Jiggy Snake Itself who sends me these gorgeous emails every morning...and i have myself. and when i'm as bootylicious and Funktastic as i know i am, how can i fail with someone like me in my corner?

i mean seriously.

so i have some things to look at, big and voraciously threatening things to kick out of the ocean of my subconscious. there's no room for inner flaming narcissists or giant killer squid.

maybe i'll throw a volley of joy mines at them, get this ball rolling.

víve la revolución de Funk!

8.18.2008

notes from my pussygata

my sheree and i have a nickname for each other: "pussygata." in addition, she's also my pookie pie, my precious, my sweetness, my lovely, and my sexy, mean strap-on queen.

oh, yeah.

of course, for all the (really convincing) joking, we both agree that we just love men too much to be rockin' hot lesbian lovers, otherwise we'd just ditch the whole confusing world that is men and marry each other.

she's the greatest thing since ice cream.

and earlier tonight, when i'd signed in to my MySpace account, there was this message from her on my comments section. she so rocks...

You is the speshulist....
Sometimes I feel like I should be paying you hourly. Cuz you is like my therapist...You're like, doing recon missions in my psyche, you go in,,,sneak around and leave little landmines of light and love, instead of blowing your legs off, they blast little sparkles that tickle your nose and make you laugh...

do you know how much that effing rocks?!

i am la matadora de luz y amor, light and love. my muleta is pink and black, and my montera (the mickey-mouse-ears-type hat) is instead one of those antennae headbands, with big pink plastic stars sitting atop long narrow springs so they bob back and forth, and are equipped with flashing lights, so big pink flashy stars wink and go boing! atop my head. and instead of shouting "olé!" when i dance with el toro de desesperación, the crowd shouts, "rock ON!"

i am a revolutionary freedom fighter now doing recon missions inside your psyche, rigging joy mines bursting with faery dust and fireworks when you trip them. and i'm dressed for the revolution: knee-high pink go-go boots, springy-flashy pink star montera, a bandolier filled with glitter and lip gloss, and red-stained palms with an intricate pattern of red ink in dots and whorls tattooed up my arms...

8.17.2008

daily deelite

1. oh my sheree, if you're reading this, i am eternally grateful for you. you were my reality check today, my adventure in the Funky peace corps, my reconnection with friendship and love.

my pussygata,
i wish that you could meet her:
single mom goddess.

2. i'm grateful for my paradigm shift. this new change in me is truly profound, and truly true. i was assured that people would really begin to approach me and ask what's up, what i'm doing differently, just what's happening. and they do. the ones that really know me, anyway, and believe in my own merit as a person of integrity and honesty. actions speak for themselves. and i'm really loving my new take on life.

3. i'm grateful for the wake-up call i got today. it forces me to take a heavy-duty approach to my health. my annual physical test results came in, and i have signs of something with a high likelihood of becoming cervical cancer. but i choose to focus on radiant health.

this, too, i shall overcome. i am grateful for the opportunity to treat my body as the temple it truly is. apparently i hadn't been doing enough of that, but it was caught early enough that i have ample opportunity to create powerful health.

today, i think three things i'm grateful for is enough. my heart is really feeling the challenge of this much gratitude in the face of these things right now.

from iGoddess to you

(i'd told this to a couple of dear friends of mine, and these words came from my heart. i thought i would share them. from me, to you. because i love you more than i love you...)

now, beware. i love you, so i'm going to remind you (lovingly) that you are god, walking in the shoes of a person who looks just like you. you can fill these shoes because you are god being a person, not a person trying to be god. you are actually second-generation star stuff come alive, a shining being who thought it'd be fun to come down and play the part of You, with particular challenges like yours. like an actor on a stage, you are playing the part of Yourself and experiencing your character's trials and triumphs. you did not become your trials and triumphs, just as you did not become your emotions.

you are not depressed, nor are you in the black pit of darkness. you are not despairing, or hopeless, or any of these things. you are feeling depression. you are seeing and feeling the darkness. you are not the crude matter of your body, just as you are not the emotions or thoughts that your crude matter is feeling or thinking. like an actress playing hamlet feeling despairing, you are playing Your part. you --the real You-- is a cosmic shining being who was there before time began and will be there when it ends. this cannot touch the real you, and it cannot consume the real you.

now...

you and i both know i haven't said anything here that you didn't already know.

but still, may the Funk be with you.

8.16.2008

just some things

i've been up to a few things this week, chief among them getting my vision board movie finished. i'd been working on that thing since the 1st, and i probably put in somewhere in the vicinity of 60+ hours. of course, by the time i was close to finished i was griping about how sick of it i was and how i should just make a vision board envisioning the dang thing done, lol. but that's only because it didn't want to be finished, and i kept having to add more affirmations, more visuals, more more more.

apparently, i was thinking too small. or, at least, so sayeth the movie. until i finally added enough to make it happy. and looking back, i realize that yeah, i wasn't thinking large enough to really get me excited. i wasn't thinking in close enough detail, with enough clarity of vision. so i can appreciate that the movie itself was giving me a kick in the pants.

but i'm still really effing glad it's freaking done!

other than that, i've put up a few ads for Freedom Revolution. no takers on those yet, though... i think i'll post another one up on Craigslist on monday. last time i did that, i had people calling me up an hour after i hit the "post" button.

awesome.

i finally got the final piece of info for my trip to Ft. Lauderdale next month. yes, i'm going to florida for a two-day workshop/where-the-rubber-meets-the-road seminar on marketing. and i'm going to vegas next month, also, for a 3-day workshop also on marketing. one thing i've discovered is that i am absolutely fascinated by marketing, advertising, and trying to understand the mind of the sorts of people i'm looking to do business with.

because, in essence, i'm looking for myself, really. so in finding what works for others, i find what works for me. and i discover who i'm willing and not willing to work with, too. and it's really fun to try something new and then sit back and watch results, kind of like experiments in a lab. and every time there's a new email, it's someone else asking me to call them, possibly to request info on how they can send me money.

i really like that.

and as the law of attraction states, i just keep the faith that it's coming. so far, i've been able to do everything i want to do with my business, to include travel to ft. lauderdale and las vegas! i haven't been to vegas since i was twelve, and i've never been to florida...

everything i need just keeps coming. and i need my business to work. therefore i know it will. as soon as tomorrow, it will begin working even better. hell, why wait? right now.

Freedom Revolution: the MOVIE!

through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, it's finally ready...


8.15.2008

jambo!

When you understand, Delena, that what most people really, really want is simply to feel good about themselves, and when you realize that with just a few well-chosen words you can help virtually anyone on the planet instantly achieve this, you begin to realize just how simple life is, how powerful you are, and that love is the key.

Fly little bird,
The Universe


hmm. i guess it really is true: all you need is love.


daily deelite

The Creative Power within us makes us into the image of that to which we give our attention. We are Thinking Substance, and thinking substance always takes the form of that which it thinks about.
--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 49


if that's the way it works, then these are the things upon which i choose to give my unwavering focus. and if this is the way it really works, then this daily exercise is the most valuable thing i could ever do for myself and those i love...

1. i am now in a place where i can actually express true, honest gratitude to all the contributors to my Summer of Funky Kali Love. but especially to willow, richard, and rosemary, if they were standing before me right at this minute, i would put my hands together and bow deeply to express how grateful i am for their harsh treatment and swift, misguided judgement. and no, not for the reasons people might think. i am grateful because, until that moment, i'd always had the luxury of affixing my identity and goals to those of others because i was adrift. by cutting me loose, i was free to be true to myself without the added pressure of feeling disloyal to people whose dreams were not my own.

because they kicked me out of eden, i was removed enough to realize eden was not for me and never was. i was able to follow the true heroine's journey: i suffered a loss that mortally wounded my spirit; i followed persephone and abducted myself to the underworld, became my own master of the skills Lilith taught me and learned to love the darkness; i rose again, fully in my power as a woman, witch, and shining being.

i never could have done that had i still been latching myself to others out of fear and insecurity. so for that gift they inadvertently gave me, i am so grateful.

2. i am grateful for the abusive experiences which made up the fabric of my childhood. it's given me an insight and inner strength that many people will never have. it's given me an awareness of my surroundings, and finely-honed empathy, that takes most people a few decades into their adulthood before they develop that same gift...if they ever do. it's also given me the ability to feel things more deeply than i think a lot of people do. my spectrum of emotion goes to great lows, yes, but the eternal balance is that my highs are just as powerful. and it's impressed upon me great value and appreciation for love and loyalty.

i don't know who said it, but yesterday i heard this quote: "Judge me not by the heights to which I have climbed, but by the depths from whence i've come." taking these words into account, then considering where i'm going...you'll be seeing me atop mt. everest. i don't have to try and build inner strength, discipline, or burning desire. they were already forged when i was a child, and for this i am grateful.

3. i am grateful, also, for how difficult and life-threatening my pregnancy with li'l *c* was. in those nine months of hell i was given the opportunity to prove to myself and others just how strong my love can be, and what i am willing to face for love of a child i carry. knowing this, knowing i might very well face it again, when i say "i want more children" it leaves no room for doubt or mystery on anyone's part how serious i am. people ask, "are you sure? you know what you went through last time."

i turn to them and say, "so do i. how can i be anything but sure, then?" from day 1 of pregnancy, i was tested, and shown the real costs that come with motherhood, so there was never a fantasy in my mind of it being all fluffy-bunny picnics and sunshine. from day 1 i sacrificed, i toed the line of kidney failure, and on his birthday we both almost died. no, there is no doubt in my mind, and now i know the lengths i'll go to be a good mother, and i know i'll put myself --body and soul-- on the line for my children and never hesitate. for this knowledge alone, i would do it all again. i'm grateful for it.

4. i am grateful for every abusive relationship or experience i've ever had. not that i would choose to repeat them, but they helped me grow and taught me many, many things about myself, others, and life in general. true, i had to go through certain scenarios a few times, but once i finally Awakened and learned what i needed to, it catapulted me into a completely new level of thinking and understanding. not only this, but armed with this knowledge of experience, i now am better equipped to raise my iGoddess child when she's finally born. coupled with the things my childhood taught me, the iGoddess child will be a strong, aware, independent and confident girl-child who will grow into an amazingly strong, flexible, loving and fully whole woman complete unto herself. this knowledge i can pass on to her from a place of deep knowing, not just theory. i'll be able to not only warn her of the pitfalls of hormones, seduction, and fairy tales, but teach her how to recognize them and share my own experiences. and then i can also hold up my healthy, fantastic marriage as the shining example to which everything else might be compared. because, as we all know, i will live my happily ever after.

and i'm grateful for the path that has led and will continue to lead me there, bad relationships, abuse, and all.

5. and lastly, i am grateful for love. in all its forms, i am grateful for the love i have in my life. there are my parents, my nine brothers and sisters (and even though i haven't spoken to *k* in years and likely won't again, i'm sure she still at least loves me for the sake of our good years), some very dear friends (like my sheree, and greggo), and my vast mexican family. there's a lot of abundance in the love i enjoy.

and last night, a very strange thing happened. and by "strange" i mean somewhat extraordinary, or curious. maybe even striking. but it was strange. remember that nice young gentleman i'd mentioned a little while ago? we've been seeing each other quite regularly but, like i said, he hasn't instigated "the talk." i continue to be happy waiting for him to bring it up in his own way, for men are such skittish creatures and unless they think something their own, original idea, show them something new and they have a tendency to scream and run away. the poor dears.

anyway, last night he invited me over. we watched the Olympics Women's Beach Volleyball, and a documentary about String Theory on NOVA he had on dvd. he rummaged around the cupboards for pasta, picked a few leaves off his basil plant, and we had basil (and GARLIC) pesto. we talked about the house he's bidding on. we brought the mattress from the fold-out bed down to the basement because it was kinda too warm upstairs.

in other words, we did absolutely nothing special.

but we were curled up together and i thought he'd already fallen asleep. i was dozing off myself, completely relaxed, when he folded his arms around me, held me very close, and kissed me. i think i was so relaxed and half-asleep that i just acted reflexively and kissed him back, and like someone else's voice entirely, i heard it in the back of my head: "i love you..." i didn't have the energy or capacity to be surprised by it until the next morning when i remembered.

i suppose this means i'm in love. maybe. it's not like what or how i usually feel romantic love, though. it's quieter than usual, relaxed and understated. fiery passion isn't any part of it, that hot and burning and dramatic eros. it's more of an easy affection that's comfortable and friendly. it's the kind of feeling that's happy to lay his head on my lap and run my fingers through his long hair while we watch dvd's of NOVA documentaries and talk about the 11th dimension. (because yes, we do that) it's the kind of feeling that makes my body react without thinking when i find myself automatically massaging his feet while we talk about the psychological and sociological impact of race, gender, culture, and language upon an individual or debate the rammifications of faith in exercise of the Law of Attraction (yeah, i know, our conversations just aren't normal...). it's the kind of feeling that's just playful, and so dang comfortable, when we're in his kitchen teaching him how to make pesto, or spanish rice, or spaghetti. it's the kind of feeling that makes me so eager to share with him the things that i know, and keeps me so eager and open to learn those things he knows and shares with me.

it's the kind of comfortable as if i'd known him for years, but i know he would keep me learning as long as i knew him. it's not nearly as dramatic or intense as i'm accustomed to, but all the same, i was relaxed enough to hear loud and clear what my subconscious had to tell me. and i'm grateful for that love, too.

if nothing else, it lets me know i'm still open to love, and i'll be okay no matter what happens.

8.13.2008

daily deelite

"The whole process of mental adjustment and atonement can be summed up in one word, gratitude.

First, you believe that there is one Intelligent Substance, from which all things proceed; second, you believe that this Substance gives you everything you desire; and third, you relate yourself to it by a feeling of deep and profound gratitude.

Many people who order their lives rightly in all other ways are kept in poverty by their lack of gratitude. Having received one gift from God, they cut the wires which connect them with Him by failing to make acknowledgement.

It is easy to understand that the nearer we live to the source of wealth, the more wealth we shall receive; and it is easy also to understand that the soul that is always grateful lives in closer touch with God than the one which never looks to Him in thankful acknowledgement.

The more gratefully we fix our minds on the Supreme when good things come to us, the more good things we will receive, and the more rapidly they will come; and the reason simply is that the mental attitude of gratitude draws the mind into closer touch with the source from which the blessings come.

If it is a new thought to you that gratitude brings your whole mind into closer harmony with the creative energies of the universe, consider it well, and you will see that it is true.
--wallace d. wattles, the science of getting rich pg 46



1. after thinking about it, i realize that i am extremely fortunate to have the ability to go to this seminar. i am so grateful i had the money to be able to go to this. i was able to make a decision that i was just going to Do It. i am able to do this. i was able to make the decision, also, to invest into this new business venture with a small cushion remaining in my bank account. i am so thankful for this ability.

2. i'm grateful that i received an invitation to this thing. this seminar was by invitation only, with a limited number of seats available. so the people who gave me this invitation believe in me. it's more than an invitation to sit in a hotel conference room in florida and learn about maverick marketing. it's an invitation to sit at the table of abundance and success, to sit among the Thunder Walkers and be a Thunder Walker myself. they see in me what it takes to be one, and i have been invited to be among them. i have dreamed of abundance, independence, and financial freedom to leave me free to live life on my terms as i choose.

for this, i am grateful beyond words.

3. i am so grateful that the universe has bestowed upon me the divine right to abundance and prosperity. i am a shining being, and as such i am entitled to wealth, and abundance, and as many blessings as i can accept. it is my birthright. i am wholly grateful for this.

4. every day i thank the Rockin' Jive for *ds* and *ks*. they've been there for me, with me in the trenches and building me up, sometimes even picking me up and brushing the dust off my knees. tomorrow the earth will turn. tomorrow the sun will rise. tomorrow gravity will work, water will be wet, and my brother and sister will be there supporting me, cheering me on, and pushing me to challenge myself just one more time. thank all the gods for them.

5. other things i've been working on are coming together: the title for the Funkmobile, which will then be my ticket to a business loan. this loan will propel me towards my goals. it's a huge leap for me, putting my neck on a line for ten thousand dollars. but it's an upwards spiral. true, the momentum will be faster than i'm accustomed to and will therefore be shoving me full-bodied so far out of my comfort zone i'll be like a newborn foal leading a stampede...

...but i am grateful for it. only in the beginning is the exercise difficult. if the lifestyle i dreamed of requires a level of conditioning greater than my present threshold, i am grateful for the opportunity to grow and challenge myself, and at the same time grateful for the abundance (which i asked for, btw, yay law of attraction...) granted me in order to fulfill my dreams.

"Original Substance wants to live all that is possible in you, and wants you to have all that you can or will use for the living of the most abundant life." --wallace d. wattles, the science of getting rich pg 41

O.O'

okay, so i just committed another 664$ to this. omg.

seminar ticket in Ft. Lauderdale next month - 297$
round trip flight - 308$
one night in a cheap hotel - 52$ ( + another night with no clue where i'm staying)
the anticipated rewards of masterminding with champion entrepreneurs - priceless.

it still makes get all overwhelmed inside... but i just believe in this so much. and i know this will help me tremendously. i believe in it so strongly i'm actually willing to face some Real fears that have been really good at hiding from me even through some brutally honest times in my life. knees trembling, body quivering, heart racing, sweating and lightheaded and tears stinging behind my eyes...i'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

is this courage? i'm terrified, and inside i can hear the Old Delena screaming in panic. she's really losing it back there. facing this, doing this, risking like this, it turns my bowels to water. but i just take one step, and then another, and another after that.

is this courage? it doesn't feel like it.

my sister *ds*, Jiggy Funk bless her, sent me this email earlier, before i committed two week's worth of my almost-over wages:

"You are taking a massive step to declare to the world that you are *going* to become an independent, successful person…whether the rest of the world likes it or not."

i've never been here before, on the Road to Success and Independence. thank the Divine Wow for her and *ks*, honestly. without them, i know i wouldn't have come as far as i have already. it doesn't feel like much, but i look at the road behind me and i've come a considerable way. i still have a considerable way to go, but if not for them, i don't know that i'd have taken this new road at all. *ds*, *ks*, if you're reading this, thank the gods for you, i fucking swear.

is this courage?

echoing thoughts

last night i'd mentioned how if you're not getting ahead, you're falling behind. today i was reading the science of getting rich by wallace d. wattles (which i highly recommend) and lo, first thing he says in chapter 5 is this:

The Intelligent Substance which is All and in All, and which lives in All and lives in you, is a consciously Living Substance. Being a consciously Living Substance, it must have the nature and inherent desire of every living intelligence for increase of life. Every living thing must continually seek for the enlargement of its life, because life, in the mere act of living, must increase itself.

A seed, dropped into the ground, springs into activity, and in the act of living produces a hundred more seeds; life, by living, multiplies itself. It is forever Becoming More; it must do so, if it continues to be at all.
--pg 28

so you see? it's not just me. if you're not getting ahead you're falling behind.

...and if you're not getting ahead, you're not living.

i love you, universe...

i found this little love note from the universe in my email a minute ago.

A new romance? Check! International travel? Check! Greater interest income? Check! A black BMW 750Li Sedan with pink airbrushing, Delena? Check, baby, check!

oh universe, you're so good to me...

8.12.2008

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's clear to me that a part of you needs to come out of hiding. I'm not exactly sure what that means, though. Maybe there's a talent you've buried that's ready to emerge into the light. It could be that a question you've been trying to ignore is finally ripe to be asked. Perhaps you've been stoically putting up with a tweaked situation that you really should rise up and transform. What do you think it is, Capricorn?


once more, mr. brezsny, you're absolutely right.

y'know, i like it better when --through my own receptivity of the PNN-- i already feel what it's telling me and i've already taken steps in that direction so when your horoscope comes, i bounce up and down in my desk chair (which is bouncy), point at my screen, and excitedly cry, "hey! i'm already doing that!"

"yes," you say, "but notice that when that happens, you're channeling pronoiafunk anyway and therefore are picking up the Pronoiac News Network loud and clear."

"well, yeah..."

"it's when my horoscopes come as a slap on the ass that you're not paying attention--"

"but--!"

"--and when you need to hear it the most."

"..."

well yeah, okay, fine. i admit, he has a point. but don't you just hate it when someone forces you to look at an aspect of yourself and you know it's gonna hurt?

i've been hiding. quite literally. last monday was a really horrible day. i mean really horrible. at risk of sounding like i'm focusing on the bad (which i'm not) it really felt like i'd been visited by the Crap Fairy and left with a big, fat welt where she'd whacked me upside the back of my head.

so i took some time to regroup, focus on other things, and on saturday really felt like i was back where i needed to be. i know, it seems like a long time. and i realized then i'm really dealing with a whole lotta fear. i haven't made a single call to a single person who's indicated interest in my business and here it is tuesday of the following week. running into so many jerks, flakes, and out-and-out hostility did a real number on me.

it came to my attention that i'm facing a real, deep-seated fear that last week manifested as "stepping back" to "get into a better frame of mind."

but really, i was running.

i know it.

at the time i didn't, but i do now. and now that i know, i face a choice: let the fear rule me and do nothing but return to mediocrity; or face it, master it, and learn from the experience.

it's a damn shame there's no third option, because i'm really not wanting to face this thing, but i know i have to. if you're not growing, you're stagnating. if life isn't getting better, it's only getting worse. the way things move nowadays, and how fast things change, you have to change with them or are only being left behind. there is no status quo, no "holding pattern."

you're either growing, or you're not. and no growth is called "death."

no, seriously, look at that. in nature, if it's not growing, it's stagnating, dying, or already dead. and who wants to be dying or dead? corpses are left behind, so if you're not getting ahead then what are you?

a corpse?

um, ew.

so yeah. i must choose life, and growth, and evolution of my mind and spirit. and so i am faced with this great opportunity to conquer yet another thing that had heretofore ruled me without my consent. and this thing? it is fear. fear of rejection, fear of failure, but also fear of success. deep down, i believe that i won't succeed at this.

i'm sabotaging my own success and freedom, killing my own dreams.

so before, when i would have spent so much time exploring why i feel this way, where it's coming from, understanding it, and then figuring out how to overcome it...which takes a whole lotta time and energy...instead i'm just gonna forge ahead despite this and tell this fear in my subconscious to shut the hell up, i'm busy being successful and getting rich.

so there.

and it was good.

8.10.2008






(btw, want your own stickies? wigflip.com)

8.09.2008

daily deelite

1. there will be dinner tonight after a day at the salon. thank Funky Ya-Ya for my dad's cooking, family, and my favorite drink: an Old-Fashioned Delena

2. and then, after dinner, drinks, family nite, and cuddling on the floor with the corgis after watching the History Channel, there will be passing out in my parents' trailer. thank you, Jiggy Snake, for feeling like i'm camping with the comfort of a soft, full-sized mattress...

3. i really don't look forward to being at the salon anymore. the corporation itself is like a festering pustule. thank you, thank you for time flying by so quickly. after this weekend, only two weekends to go.

4. i'm also grateful for laundry detergent in the nick of time.

5. and pedicures. i wonder if anyone really, truly understands just how grateful i am there's such a thing as pedicures. my toes are just so darn cute!

8.08.2008

daily deelite

1. last night, we made (fake) chicken fajitas, and (real) beans and spanish rice. omg, it was sooo good... there was even fresh pico de gallo and salsa. 'cept for the vegetarian wannabe chicken, it tasted just like my childhood. nothing inspires gratitude like frickin' awesome cooking!

2. the weather has been absolutely fabulous this week! it's done so many wonderous things for my outlook. i love the month of august up here. it's like...i can just walk outside and feel instant gratitude.

3. knowing i only have 3 more weeks at the salon fills me with tons of gratitude.

4. supportive siblings are the ultimate inspiration of gratitude. thank you, Jiggy Funk, for giving me the wonderful siblings i have.

5. my business advisor, omg. i am so frickin' grateful to have him around! he builds me up, shows confidence in me, shares what he knows, always finds time when i need help, and is just really someone i want to model myself after.

wow...

a thousand apologies for being absent, but wow, the last couple of days have been busy!

i've been at home for all of it, but i've been busy working on my frame of mind. i know, i know. that sounds really...feeble. but if you really think about it, it's not all that feeble at all. how many people do you know are stuck in a rut? how many people do you know do nothing but complain and criticize and lament about how life sucks? it's like they open their mouths and suddenly all the light and energy in the room just drains away the more they talk.

now try telling them to stop it and try being positive for a change.

not so feeble, is it? in fact, for some people, changing their minds and truly believing the change can be a herculean effort. it doesn't have to be, and practice always makes perfect, but it does take practice and true, honest belief.

i was working on the belief part. over at Freedom Revolution i was talking about leadership, but what sparked the entry topic was the fact that i was feeling "off" on monday. so i've been working on things, taking the pressure off myself by focusing more on what it means to be in business for myself, my "big why" for doing this in the first place, and what --exactly--it is that i'm looking for in customers and business partners.

and i took time out to spend with my siblings, and with a wonderful guy i've been seeing. it's kinda funny. people ask, but i keep telling them he hasn't initiated "the talk" yet, and until he does, i'm not assuming anything. but we hang out, watch movies, sometimes make dinner at his house which is really fun, and pretty much if i'm hanging out there for the evening it's a sure bet i'm spending the night, too (get your mind out of the gutter!). "yeah, dee," my friends and siblings say, "i'd say it's a sure bet he's really into you." well yes, i suppose, but he hasn't made any overtures towards "exclusive rights" or introduced me as his girlfriend. nothing like that. so i'm not making any assumptions, nor am i really growing attached to any future outcome. when he figures out how fabulous i am, he'll do something to make sure i don't get away. or he won't, and that's okay, too. it'll just mean someone else is headed into the picture who will recognize my Funkaliciousness even more quickly, and will swiftly stake his claim. figuratively speaking...

i decided to apply the same approach to business. let go of any investment in the outcome of this relationship. stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect girlfriend and then lamenting why i'm not getting the treatment i want. instead, i'm gonna date my business without drama, keep things easygoing and fun, and know exactly where i'm going. customers and future business partners are welcome to come along if they want to. i'm going to be all about fun and no pressure, passion and Funk. same as my dating life.

i already have a fabulous family life. my dating life is spectacular and i know it's headed in the direction of careerlovemarriagechildren, so i'm set there. and now, as of today, my business life is heading in that direction, too.

i have spoken.

8.05.2008

daily deelite

1. i drove across town for dinner today, just because i wanted to. the drive was gorgeous, the sun was powerful and bright, and the day was clear and blue and green and gorgeous. thank the Jiggy Pop for days like this...

2. every few days or so i text a bunch of people that i love and am thinking about. i'll send them individual messages of love, hugs, and delena yayness. most of them text me back, even if it's just a smiley face. but i imagine they hear/feel their phones going off unexpectedly, and check them to find this random message of love from a source they didn't expect. i imagine it derails their current thoughts, which might be mired in the every-day sludge, and for a moment there is sunshine. i imagine they smile, and their hearts fill with warmth. and then i imagine that ray of sunshine gets carried with them through the rest of their day and it's not so easy for them to get bogged down in sludge. and i'm thankful that i can do that for them.

3. i had to upgrade my cell phone plan to unlimited everything today. i've been putting it off, but the truth of the matter is that Freedom Revolution has taken off with such speed that even the small, anticipatory upgrade i made last month wasn't enough. today, i used 25% of my monthly any-time minutes. holy crap! but gee whiz, i sure am grateful that i'm so busy with this business that i'm racing to keep up rather than screaming with frustration that i'm going nowhere.

4. i slept soooo much today! i was up until 5am writing, and just focusing on things that i'd been neglecting the last few days. it was really hard for me to get started this morning, and i kind of slugged through most of my day. but i'm thankful, because i don't know how long it's been since i've given myself permission to just slow down and rest, take care of myself, and do those things i kept saying i'd do "when i have time." they say your business only grows to the extent that you do.

well, i grew a little myself, today.

5. reading back occasionally through some of my entries here during the time i'd allowed *m* to sludge up my life...wow. talk about serious depression... and i let him! amazing...

but before then, i was really getting on the pronoiac track and a lot of things were making real sense. but i wasn't ready for a relationship just yet. obviously, since i was still so easily influenced and let *m*'s own personal weakness drag me down. the lesson i learned with *sy* was to trust my own intuition and act accordingly, without delay. now, i do. things are really, finally starting to come together in amazing ways. i'm getting to know Delena of the Funkywild very well, and she has a beautiful personality and an unbelievably fantasmic heart.

i'm just grateful to all of you for sticking with me through all this amazing transition.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here's a passage from Kurt Vonnegut's novel *Breakfast of Champions:* "Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." This scenario has some resemblances to what you're doing, Capricorn. Fortunately, you're much smarter than the two pieces of yeast, and so you will not do the equivalent of drowning in crap. But I bet you'll create something comparable to champagne.


blah.

this took me a long time to figure out, which is kinda embarrassing. my gut reaction was, "what am i doing wrong?" it's obvious those pieces of yeast were way too in love with themselves and their pop nihilism to see they were in the process of a true transformation, that the champagne manifesting around them! of course, in the process of their creation of champagne, they would've been dead before or at-the-moment-of completion.

so while my gut reaction might've been a remnant of the old me, it was correct. the new me just had to look at it.

what i'm doing wrong is i'm failing to see the champagne manifesting around me. i'm doing things i need to do for Freedom Revolution, i'm exercising my mind and heart so it's open for my new life, i am in constant forward motion, i'm not afraid of failure because i know i'm heading into success. i've been too focused on the fact that it's not champagne yet. i've been too focused on how much of me is going into this process (a $$ amount that might make you choke) instead of focusing on what that effort and money is going to do for me.

and yes, i'll be dead before i see it. or, i'll die at the moment it finally comes into fruition.

because at the instant it finally goes from yeasty/bubbling/fermented solution to champagne, the old me stuck in the old processes will have died utterly. if your life tomorrow is a result of what you believe and do today, then those things i'm working for today are going to manifest a completely different life. my doubting self is getting weaker, balanced control is easier, and i don't flinch at dramatic and radical change. success requires me to be able to not flinch when i look at the bare truth of things.

it's a fine time to refine old goals and write new ones. it's also a fine time to get very, very clear about exactly what i'm looking for in new business partners and associates. in detail. law of attraction: if i visualize it clearly, back it up with true emotion, and tell the universe this is what i want, the universe will provide.

8.04.2008

daily deelite

1. small blessings. i'm grateful for small blessings. even as today wasn't the best day i've ever had, there were still things about it that made me laugh and happy to be where i was even though i didn't want to be where i was.

2. i'm grateful for warmth in my home, both emotional and physical. the back door is open and the breeze is cool, but my heart is warm.

3. i'm thankful for evenings of music, popcorn, movies that make you cry, and blogging.

4. i'm filled with thankfulness to know that i can sleep in tomorrow.

5. i'm grateful that when i wake up, it's another chance to begin it all again, with a clean slate, and do something new and different. every day is a bright and new chance to turn it all around.

the price of love pt iv

last time, on iGoddess...

“She Who Never Lets Go is out there,” I said.

She Who Never Lets Go. She Who Never Forgets...nor Forgives. i had many names for her, primary among them My Inner Flaming Narcissist.

i leapt onto my warhorse and meant to simply gallop in search as i had with all the others. my warriors let out a resounding roar as i wheeled my mount and he reared up, beating the air with his mighty hooves and bellowing out a blood-boiling whinny of his own. my heart pounded in echo of his bloodthirst, but just as i tightened my grip on the reins, he began to morph right before my eyes.

sleek chestnut neck elongated, grew scales that deepened to the smouldering redblack of still-burning coals. swift, straight legs thickened like oak stumps and bent in upon themselves. stout hooves grew into five-toed, leathery feet with obsidian talons the length of my sword and as thick as my thigh. the swishing horsetail was shed and in its place grew a powerful tail with wickedly curved spikes at the end. my steed unfurled expansive wings that ruffled like canvas tarp in the wind, and --astride a great red dragon-- took to the air.

my companions grew smaller as we lifted higher into the air. i felt a pang at this, leaving them with nary a farewell, but somehow i knew they were still with me. all ninety-nine of them.

flying low, we could not find my Inner Flaming Narcissist, and so I pointed up and the dragon rose higher. there! running full tilt through the barley as if the hounds of hell itself were after her. perhaps hellhounds would have been preferable, compared to myself astride a red dragon?

i pointed at the small form running, and the dragon opened his mouth and a veritable fountain of liquid fire gushed forth and flooded the countryside in flames. just before it hit my enemy, she dove headfirst into a small opening in the side of the hill. not even the barley caught fire. not so much as a whiff of smoke on the air once the dragon ceased his onslaught. we circled around for another dive, and this time the dragon spat fireballs. circle and dive, this time raining brimstone.

again and again he barraged the hillside with sulfur and flame, but it was no use.

once more i pointed to the ground and he nodded, coming to land right beside the mouth of this tiny hole in the hillside. from the air it seemed tiny as a rabbit hole, but in truth it would have fit a child quite easily. however she had shrunk to fit, or the cave mouth had widened to accommodate her…it was an ability she alone possessed.

i had to doff my armor, even leave my sword behind before i could fit. i squeezed through the mouth of this cave and crawled, but it widened a few paces in and i could walk freely. it was blacker than hell and i could not see my hand in front of my face. the only light came from the mouth of the cave, where i could see –in great detail—the clear sky to the horizon, each stalk of barley, and the red dragon watching me carefully.

a few more paces and the tunnel forked three ways. immediately i knew She Who Never Forgives had taken the middle fork, but still i hesitated. somehow i knew that a few paces beyond the fork, the tunnel curved sharply down, became almost a chute that led deep, deep into the earth. and it was a maze down there, i knew. somehow, i just knew.

i had lost her but could not admit it. i struggled with myself, wanting more than anything to go after her and be done with it! but i also knew that i would very likely lose myself if i followed. get lost? no. i would lose myself...whatever that meant. i was a warrior, not a philosopher! but somehow i knew it was a dangerous maze down there, filled with the unknown that was all the more monstrous and dangerous because it was the unknown. if i went down there, i would never see sunlight again.

a deep, rumbling voice echoed from the cave mouth. “my friend and lady knight,” said the dragon, “how dost thou intend to proceed? thy quarry is lost in a warren of twists and folds even thou could not hope to unravel.”

draconic, the language of the draq, was a very high and formal speech, i knew. and this was as informal of speech as a dragon could manage; we were very old friends, he and i. but the old forms must be met. again, something a philosopher or perhaps a historian would understand, but i was a simple warrior. all i knew was that old friends through lifetime after lifetime, it was enough for me that i just knew. “i am conflicted, old friend,” i confessed.

before i could continue, the dragon spoke again. “thou art out of thine element, sister, and deep in thine enemy’s lands.” the warning was simple but elegant; his telling me the advantage was not mine would have been redundant.

and yet i lingered, torn between chasing after my Inner Flaming Narcissist and admitting defeat, but the dragon was right. i just could not admit it gracefully. i could not let go of the chase. not when i was so close to utter victory!

"pride blinds thee," he said. "thou wouldst follow Destruction to its end and salvage thine dignity, even as thou risks all."

i laughed, but it was a bitter sound. he was right, as usual. i wanted to save face, to save myself the trouble of hunting them all over again, to save myself from feeling stupid and like i had failed by not cutting off the head of the hydra. and yet i was willing to risk my life to save face. he'd said it: i was being stupid and egotistical. i couldn't see any alternative, however.

finally, gritting my teeth and fighting not to punch the walls and scream in frustration, i turned heel and climbed back out of the tunnel. my friend waited as i lost myself in thoughts. i was wallowing in my dark mood, defeated and frustrated beyond words. how could i get her?

...how could i destroy her?

to pt v.

8.03.2008

daily deelite

1. i am rockin' grateful today for wonderful days spent with wonderful people

2. i'm especially grateful for short naps that were really, really needed and really, really helped.

3. i'm grateful for such beautiful timing that plops a super-delicious bowl of lentil soup in front of me just when i was thinking about getting hungry. i'd just dragged myself out of my room after that short nap and the house smelled...funny. cumin'll do that. but *ks* was making lentil soup and it was awesome.

4. i am grateful, also, for those small realizations i have about myself sometimes that let me know i'm on the right track

5. i'm grateful that i'm strong enough to kick to the curb any toxicity that threatens my Funk, like when *sy* called me earlier this evening. i didn't recognize his voice when he said, "hi," like i should've known it was him. i'd put him out of my mind long ago. but my gut reaction was something along the lines of, "what the hell are you going talking to me?" it was offensive, kind of like when your roomate's friend makes himself too much at home in your living room and strews his crap everywhere, tracks mud all over your champagne carpet, and kicks your cat. i hung up on him.

i'm far too busy following my Funk to let any toxic garbage back into my life. although, like when *jd* told me he was still in love with me after all these years, it was quite satisfying to see yet another body of my enemy floating down the river past me.

victory. and we keep going.