Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I Want to Know More About

1. How to fix a car engine
2. String Theory, in a practical and easy-for-my-small-brain-to-grasp way
3. My family history, adopted and birth family
4. Riding a horse Western style
5. Tai Chi
6. Fighting with a quarterstaff
7. Sewing -- I can't stitch a straight line to save my life
8. Crocheting
9. Elephant rehabilitation and therapy
10. Diplomacy and mediation
11. Ice sculpting -- I just think that would be so awesome to know
12. How to make sushi
13. How to meditate better

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Amy
2. The Hippie Chick
3. Sweet and Sassy
4. Jenny Up the Hill
5. Dog's Eye View
6. Suki
7. Jeannine
8. (your name here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The greatest thing a human soul ever does in this world is to see something," wrote art critic John Ruskin. "To see clearly is poetry, prophecy, and religion, all in one." Your assignment in the coming week, Capricorn, is to make Ruskin's idea your method. In other words, lay aside everything you think you know, suspend your reflex to impose your beliefs on every situation you encounter, and behold the world exactly as it is. If you do it right, you'll experience pleasure beyond measure. More than that, you'll change everything you see into a more beautiful version of itself.

well, i'm really gonna have to think about this one. for a minute i thought mr. brezsny was talking about how paranoid i've been lately. but i think that's just the stress of the move, and the "hurry up and wait" that we're having to do. i don't do long anticipation well. i used to have seizures as a kid because of that very thing, and i end up getting really stressed out and chemical. but i've just upped my dose of tinctures and i'm (starting to get) good.

no, i think mr. brezsny is talking about something else here, and i'm trying to figure it out. or--HA! that just occurred to me. i'm always looking for the hidden and the deeper, the skewed and the dark. take things as they are, dee, he's saying. no more being suspicious of everything, trying to find people's ulterior motives, wondering when the other shoe's going to drop.

i have trust issues. of course, for those of you who've been reading the blog --especially since '02-- saying i have trust issues is kinda like saying that the sky is blue.

so maybe it's time to start practicing this whole thing called taking things as they are. maybe good really does come around. maybe...


the resume

Delena's Heart
Main Artery
Circulatory System

Objectives: To reside in happy, healthy, and functional surroundings which offer greatest potential for my freedom and well being with the most room for personal growth

Professional Experience:

(July 2004 – present) Delena Global, a subdivision of iGoddess Inc.
Job Title: Independent Goddess Consultant
- Owning my womanhood
- Reclaiming independence
- Being slave to no business other than my own
Status: Delena Global is small. Output still exceeds income, but such is to be expected in the early days of an independent small business. Overhead is negligible, considering there is only one employee. Vacations, weekends, and overtime/holiday pay is nonexistent. Unlimited potential for growth, income, and philanthropy, however possibility of acquiring new partner is nil. iGoddess Inc. is not into acquisitions.

(April 2003 – July 2004) *N* International
Job Title: Beloved/Rebound
- Learning to face myself
- Questioning, challenging myself, growing in wondrous ways
- Learning lessons in evaluating if I'm worth being taken advantage of
Reason for leaving: Took pre-agreed hiatus for medical reasons. Work environment was non-conducive to mental stability, and medical leave-of-absence was requested. Involuntarily terminated without severance pay, or even a chance to clean out my desk. Miscommunication and assumptions on both sides contributed to final breakdown of employment. Re-dedication to job was met with flat refusal, and *N* Int’l was already interviewing to replace my position. Seriously considered self-employment.

(May 1999 – April 2003) Big *C* & Son
Job Title: Full Partner & Senior Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations
- Loving unconditionally
- Maintaining infinite patience in the face of multiple stressors
- Multi-tasking:
- full-time field work (on call 24 hours, 7 days a week)
- maintaining clean and functional surroundings to FDA and federal safety standards
- fulfilling position as CEO of *C* Home Business Solutions
- Maintaining positive outlook while situations become more bleak
- Maintain super-human levels of cheer while basic emotional needs are ignored
- Expected to keep healthy ego and self-respect while meaningful and cherished items, activities, and people are dropped in order to fulfill other duties until job and life are indistinguishable
- Adjusted to incorporate additional staff member at great detriment to physical health
- Fulfill all expected duties, in addition to partner's duties, without appreciation
- Routinely adopt additional tasks not in job description without complaint
Reason for Leaving: Extreme dissatisfaction with position, disillusionment, and work environment was a threat to mental and emotional stability. Receiving little respect at the corporate level, taken for granted, and requests for additional funding and routine maintenance of basic emotional and human needs went ignored. My name wasn't even on the company header.

(September 1998 - May 1999) Big *C* Incorporated
Job Title: Sweetheart
- Loving blindly
- Enjoying hockey games
- Expected to be myself
Reason for Leaving: Proposition for advancement to Full Partner (see above) and accepted promotion

(October 1997 - November 1997) *JS* Unlimited
Job Title: Soulmate and Best Friend
- Marveling that two human beings could be so beautiful and harmonious together
- Baring my soul like never before
- Reviving a failing belief in Love
Reason for Leaving: *RJ* Enterprises was incensed that I gave my notice and came to work for *JS* Unlimited and threatened to dissolve all associations between both companies unless I was let go. Decided a career change was in order and worked anywhere from two to eight part-time jobs for the next ten months. Just goes to show not to work for a lifelong best friend.

(October 1993 – July 1997) The *JD* Corporation
Job Title: Chattel
- Enduring subtle humiliation masked as friendly teasing
- Tolerating disrespect of my person and pretending it didn’t bother me
- Tolerating fickle and selfish egocentrism
- Believing disrespect and disloyalty were my fault
- Believing physical abuse was acceptable form of reprimand
- Accepting sexual disrespect as the norm
- Lying to parental units about whereabouts
- Sneaking away from home premises for nightly trysts to keep from getting fired
- Set aside self-respect and dignity in exchange for male approval
- Learning the finer points of co-dependency and turning it into an art form
Reason for Leaving: Position terminated upon news of possible staff addition, but after already enduring eviction from parental units. In job interim, either quit or was terminated no less than a half dozen times and worked multiple part-time jobs simultaneously in-between career with The *JD* Corporation.

(February 1996 – June 1996) *TMcD* & Co.
Job Title: Whatever
- Using employer to rebel against and pick fights with parental units
- Benefiting from elevated status in social situations due to position
- Experimented with numerous first-time situations
Reason for Leaving: I may be dumb and make mistakes, but I’m not stupid!

(October 1992 – October 1993) Ed Inc.
Job Titles: Angel Baby, Beloved, Beautiful, Best Friend
- Being showered with affection and respect
- Lavished with praise and appreciation for my artistic talents
- Enjoying long afternoons sitting in the park and reading poetry to each other
- Offered the opportunity to learn how men should treat women at an early age
Reason for Leaving: Offered a position with The *JD* Corporation. Okay, so maybe I am stupid.

The LeRoy Sanchez School of Misogyny, Bigotry, and Hypocrisy: Institute for the Irrational, Shameful, and Wasted Sex, Attended January 14, 1979 – August 10, 1999; Graduated Summa Cum Laude
The Universal School of Hard Knocks, Attendance ongoing; GWA 1.159 and candidate for Magna Cum Laude

Major Accomplishments:
- Survived mental, emotional, verbal, physical, and multiple counts of sexual abuse
- Succeeded in securing shelter and financial means in the face of eviction by parental units more than once
- Learned strength and how to be a survivor in the face of numerous and daunting adversities
- Survived and conquered alcoholism without help
- Pulled self through several mental breakdowns and severe depression, also without help
- Learned the finer points of Suicide Hotline techniques through discussions with own psyche
- Either unlearned or have already taken steps to unlearn everything taught at The LeRoy Sanchez School

- Hypersensitive
- Vulnerable to criticism
- Too easily filled with doubt
- Worries too much
- Expects the worst and has difficulty hoping for the best
- Doesn’t know how to let go
- Lacks trust
- Lacks faith in abilities
- Withdraws at first sign of potential for pain
- Rejects kindness and bites the hand that feeds if threat or potential for pain is perceived
- Struggles with honest evaluations of true self worth
- Elitist in opinions of who is worth affection and effort
- Willing to sacrifice all for loved ones

- Undying loyalty (when deserved)
- Honest
- Generous
- Considerate
- Willing to sacrifice all for loved ones
- Loving
- Affectionate
- Good listener
- Doesn’t judge
- Can endure tragedy
- Doesn’t shrink in the face of hardship
- Courageous

References available upon request


what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

1. having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc. delighting the senses or mind
2. excellent of its kind
3. having perfection of form, color, etc. or noble or spiritual qualities, often implying stateliness or pleasing proportion and symmetry, exciting aesthetic admiration
4. that which is in the eye of the beholder

i've slowly been integrating myself into the body modification community up here in portland, ever since the day when i went with my friend *lw* to adorn body art so she could get a lovely sternum piercing. i crooned over the finished masterpiece, sighing about how i've always wanted my nostril pierced.

"so get it," she said.

i blinked at her. "what?" so my mental acuity was on par with an earthworm that day. i'm intelligent, i swear. she just surprised me.

she shrugged. "get it. what's stopping you?"

"i can't." it was automatic.

"why?" said our piercing god.

"who's stopping you?" she said.

i took a breath to answer, and it just kind of died in my throat. she leaned against the chair, smiling at me while i stood there with my mouth hanging open just waiting for words to magically spill out from between my lips. i blinked, and in the time it took to blink i thought of all the people who had been the reasons i hadn't done what i've always wanted. the bio-mother, fear of death at the hands of the bio-dad, the ex-husband, my white-collar straight-laced friends i'd kept from high school who'd never understand.

the minutes stretched. godsmack was playing in the background.

"why, absolutely no one." i grinned. she mirrored it. within minutes our piercing god was reclining the chair so i could lie down, and there was needles and jewelry and poly-pro gloves and much laughing. at the first punch of the needle i squealed an "ow!" and then dissolved into a heap of giggles.

"aha," said our piercing god. "you're one of those girls. i see..."

since then, i've gotten seven more perforations, my stretched earlobes being a work in progress. i dream of getting the corset piercings down my back, looking somewhat like the picture above. but that's not even the half of it. i have designs and plans for the brand-and-ink sleeve i want for my left arm, microdermals, and eventually...suspension.

people ask me why, usually with either morbid curiosity or aversion. sometimes (rarely, 'cause this is portland) downright disgust. usually i smile, shrug, and say, "why not? i like it." the body is a temple, and who wants to worship in a temple where the walls are bare? sometimes i stand naked in front of the mirror, and all i can see is all this wonderful, blank canvas. but honestly, between you and me, i do it because with each new body mod, i see more and more of the real me emerge. each new piece is like peeling away another masking layer, revealing the real me beneath.


the notdate

it wasn't a date! it was takeout, and dvd's after exposing the poor boy to my weapon-bearing family. and i thought i had it tough when all i had to worry about was one bigoted mexican father...oi vey.

no, dating's that thing people do after they've been hanging out together for a long time, and they decide to hang out exclusively. they do things like hold hands and kiss, and get all cuddly 'n stuff. and, like i told *ds* last night, it's not even like we're friends. yet. he's someone i met, haven't known him long enough to say he's a friend. it was notadate, just movies. we watched all the king's men and matrix reloaded, since neither of us had seen king's men, and the matrix is one of his favorite trilogies. of course, then he had to subject me to the '03 mtv music awards right in the middle of the movie, so we fell out of our chairs laughing at will ferrel yelling "ergo! vis a vis!" and after we went back to the movie, in all those scenes mtv used, we were both snickering and spontaneously calling out "ergo!" and "vis a vis!" just because it was that kind of stupidfunny that had us both snickering.

i'll never be able to see "the architect" again without thinking of will ferrel.

he wants to have dinner sometime. of course, that won't be a date, either.


sunday scribblings

my mission from sunday scribblings, should i choose to accept it, is to blog about chronicles. now, chronicles of what is entirely up to me. and since we're still so close to the inception of iGoddess, i've been trying for the past eighteen hours to think of something cleverly and breathtakingly literary, or at least something off-kilter and funky, since this is iGoddess, after all. (see definition of iGoddess above)

however, after talking with *ds* last night and venting, as we do sometimes, about our history of work in call centers and the resulting creation of a lasting aversion to fucktards (see friday posts), i thought i would come forth in a most humble manner and share a website i've loved and visited faithfully for years, the chronicles of george.

it's cathartic, in a way. not to mention it helps me feel mentally superior sometimes when i need to. if you're in the tech-support industry, work at call centers, or have anything to do with customer service, the chronicles of george was made for you. every stupid customer, every sarcastic comment, every moment you've had to stand there and smile, bend over and take the crappy and abusive treatment of some ignorant customer...every one of those moments was a baptism of sorts, and makes it (almost) worth it. so now you can begin reading, and feel the love, baby. feel the love.

...just fear the banality.


well, the house of dragons' rest is almost completely done packing. in a whirlwind of activity and resembling an anthill more than a dragon den, we packed and stuffed and wrapped and taped and tossed and rearranged and stacked and tetris-fu'ed the entire place. everything else is left to the movers.

now it's just laundry, keeping the miscellaneous little odds and ends, bits and bobs for the last minute...and working on all the leftovers in the fridge.


i'm just glad we're moving nearby, only twenty minutes away from where we are now. so we'll still be close to portland, which was absolutely vital.

you can't take the delena away from the portland. if you do, learn to sleep with one eye open.


in my long wandering through the blogsphere, i came upon dreamer girl and her reference to someone else's blog and a game they called "magpies," where they meditate upon a question they want answered while holding the dictionary in their hands. the idea, of course, is that the universe will hear and serendipity will answer. after a few moments' meditation, they close their eyes, open the dictionary to a random page, and point. hoping, of course, that the universe led them to the word that is --with a little bit of thought and contemplation-- the answer to their question.

being the saavy little witch i am, i know that this can be done with any book. it's called "bibliomancy" or "libromancy" to those folk familiar with different types of divination, and is quite old. books used most often are holy or sacred texts, or texts "known to hold truth." frankly, any book will work.

i decided to try it for the first time in eleven years. the one other time i've divined in such a manner, i used the bible, and it told me that the universe had had enough of me running away, i had learned all i could in the place where i was, and it was time to return home to my biological parents. the passage i'd turned to said that even sinners could be kind to loved ones, but the truly faithful learned to love their enemies. no greater enemy hath i than my bio-dad, so to home from reno i went. i'd been missing for four months by then.

so i decided to use what is swiftly becoming my personal bible, the televisionary oracle by robert brezsny. this man is my hero. my question?

it was a little embarrassing, actually, with *kas* sitting at the computer on my left. i held the oracle in both my hands, my eyes closed and both feet planted flat on the floor. tonight the hum of four computers and the high, just-beyond-human-hearing whine of the entertainment center sounded like the hum of the airport terminal, 747's and 757's engines muffled through double-sided floor-to-ceiling windows. the book became alive in my hands, and i could feel it listening to my question as it crackled from the powerhouse between my ears, through my fingertips, to the pages themselves.

i want freedom, independence, and eros. is this the year i find them? i asked the book. is 2007 my year?

i flipped through the pages from cover to cover, left to right, right to left. back and forth until the book told me to stop, and then i traced my fingers over the pages. they heated beneath my very hands, lines from pages 416 and 417.

my answer?

"propaganda, my dear," said the book. "vicious propaganda."

sigh. well, i really can't say that i'm surprised, but i would have liked to have hoped. a part of me just keeps hoping that my dream, the life i strive for, is like quantum physics. the very act of my searching for it changes the very nature of it. the moment the idea of my search sprang from my head fully formed was the moment what i was searching for changed, and it is now not the thing it was before my quest. thus, i may continue searching, because at least even if it is ever-changing, i may still find it. it won't be what i expect, nor will it match the picture i had in my head at the very beginning, but it will be what i have searched for. instead of simply accepting defeat and bowing to the futility of it, and giving up what i want most in life.

after all, i have turned my world upside down more times than is probably wise, journeyed thousands of miles, in search of my dream. alas, it is vicious propaganda.

but there was more. if i am not to find freedom, independence, and eros this year, that's not to say my year will be misspent. what, then, will i find? what does 2007 hold in store for me?

so sayeth the book: harner tells of conversing with a jivaro shaman in brazil who makes no distinction between his experiences in dreamtime and waking life. one moment the shaman is describing how he used his magical powers to fly to a remote mountaintop cave and bathe in the medicine of a liquid rainbow; next moment he's talking about the delicious rabbits he caught while hunting yesterday, or the exceptional talent his wife's sister has for farting during solemn ceremonial occasions. this is one example of a person who knows how to live in the drivetime.

again i say, "welcome to my life." no, delena is not to find the american dream, those quaint and provincial desires of the common woman: career, love, marriage, children. parent-teacher conferences and a garden in the back yard. that's really all i've wanted, ever. no, apparently delena is to exercise a healthy capacity for divine dementia.

or maybe i'm too presumptuous to say "divine" dementia. then again, if that's not the case, then i'm already halfway there.


f'tard of the week

...last time on iGoddess...

my deepest apologies that our selected fucktard of the week was late. i was so absorbed in building iGoddess that i had totally forgotten today was friday, and it's already half over!

anyway, here's a question i pose to you:
when your spouse's grandmother instructs you on whether you should/should not spank your child, do you:
a.) smile and nod, kindly thank her for her advice and ignore it,
b.) tell her exactly where to stick her blue wig, or
c.) zap her with a tazer


greetings, beauty and truth fans!

it has recently come to my attention that some readers are having difficulty reading my blog entries over at lovely myspace. and considering that only yesterday afternoon i actually broke 300 blog views for the week, apparently quite a few people are reading my blog. true, they're probably the same people reading multiple entries, but that still can't account for 300 views! WOW!

so...to accomodate those people who'd like to be able to read my blog without running into myspace difficulties, allow me to unveil iGoddess! it's a mirror blog hosted by the lovely people here at Blogger. it's still the same info that i posted over at MySpace, except i'll also be participating in weekly Memes here that i can't participate in over there because of the viewing difficulty. on the other hand, those uber-sensitive blog entries that are only viewable by my preferred list will only be posted there, as i have yet to figure out how to secure single entires as opposed to the whole blog itself over here at blogger.

so now you have a choice, oh dear beauty and truth fans! and it was good.

i have spoken.


Lucifer's Answering Service

Thank you for calling Lucifer's Answering Service. All of our lines are busy right now, please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.
If you would like to speak to a demon, please press 1 now.
If you would like to sell your soul, please press 2 now.
If you would like to reserve your own corner or strike a deal, please press 3 now.
And if you would like to speak to the Prince of Darkness Herself, please stay on the line, and you will be damned shortly.
Thank you, and have a pleasant day.