i honestly don't know what to title this

i'm sitting in my parents' living room, staring out the window at the small two-lane sorta-highway that runs by their house. they're out in the middle of garden country, with huge industrial nurseries clustered together and growing everything from conifers to japanese ornamental cherry trees and wisteria. big business, where a yearly budget of $30 million is somewhere around the numbers they work with.

it's kinda like the boondocks, but not quite. but with nothing but plant life, two-lane highways, and a local coyote pack feeling at home in a place with no street lamps, it can feel like the middle of nowhere at times. though the middle of the night on a full moon, especially after a snow, is particularly enchanting out here.

right now, the gentle ripple of the cats' water fountain and the occasional truck passing through is all i can hear. well, that, and one of the cats snoring on the recliner next to me. i suppose when you're a 20+ pound cat, snoring's a way of life.

lately, i've been acutely sensitive to stress. even something as minor as knowing i have to be somewhere on a particular day is enough to be halfway to debilitating because my constitution's just so shot. and at my parents', even if none of my problems are fixed, something about feeling this safe...helps. maybe it's muscle tension, because as i hear my massage therapist tell me time and again, that's where i store everything. tense muscles means even my smooth muscles can't relax, and the more stressed out i am, the more i end up with the dry heaves. even on zofran, it can get bad enough that i still can't keep anything down.

vicious, vicious cycles. and the ER bills are piling up.

but that's not so much a worry. that's what payment plans are for. no, what has me so puzzled is this thing called "growing up." a few years ago, i used to resent doing the right thing. don't get me wrong, i'd still do it, but the pain of responsibility and integrity was at times almost physical. i would sigh and gripe about how growing up sucks and doing the right thing was at times damned...inconvenient.

well, maybe i've grown up since then. maybe i've just grown out of my childish selfishness and self-centeredness. (i like to think so, anyway!) or maybe it's just simply that my priorities have changed, and in light of what's truly important everything else just seems expendable.

i've learned that if a situation or a person is making it difficult to do what's right, then they're not in alignment with my honor and integrity which i've worked damn hard over the years to foster. "the right thing to do is only difficult when surrounded by fucktards." in light of that, it's easy to give up what's not important.

what's important now? this is the Year of the Basics. honesty is a basic. so is honor, integrity, and doing everything in my power to raise the iGoddess child right.

so i sent the ex-bf an electronic olive branch. i emailed him, asking if he truly wanted to be a family. it was a simple yes-or-no question, but it took several replies back and forth to get any kind of answer out of him. stubborn son of a bitch.

y'know, tony robbins says that cynical people are cowards. they don't want to trust, or believe in love, and are always believing the worst of a situation so they can protect themselves from getting hurt. that's not smart, that's chicken. he locked himself down so that what happened to him in the past won't ever happen again, instead of making smarter choices, changing a few habits, and trusting the right people.

love is always a far better shield than cynicism. true self love and a thorough knowledge of your own self worth is far better immunity to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than being meaner than a "potential" enemy. and love and joy are far better healers than time and cynical coping mechanisms.

and love heals clean, with no scars.

i stand by my decision to be a single mom if i feel i must. honestly, i don't know if the problems that created our impasse have solutions. but we're sitting down tomorrow morning with a mediator to find out. it was for love i left, i told him, and for love i'm trying again.

my goals, as always, are to be true to myself (not compromise my self-worth or integrity), and to embrace full responsibility as this baby's mother by doing what i believe is best for it.

so, i dunno. we'll see.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19): It makes me famished just to think of you there stewing in your hunger. You almost remind me of a bear that's just awoken from hibernation or a political prisoner who's been on a hunger strike. And yet I know it's not a craving for food that you're suffering from. It's not even an impossible yearning for sex or fame or power or money, either. You're starving, you're ravenous, you're mad for something you don't have a name for -- something whose existence you don't fully understand and can't quite imagine. But I predict you'll uncover a fuller truth about this thing very soon, and then you'll be more than halfway toward gratifying your hunger.



i must admit, mr. brezsny, you actually kinda creeped me out with how accurate you are this week. I suppose it's because i've gradually been growing more restless over the last several weeks. there's been something gnawing at the back of my mind and it keeps me up at night. i pace in my bedroom, i'm distracted at work, i can't focus. i brood. i look out the window sometimes and picture myself crashing through the glass and flying away.

...or flying toward something. i can never be sure.

but then you said "stewing in your hunger" and it hit me just how right you are about that. the stewing part, and the hunger part. i'm pacing because i'm hungry. i'm restless because i'm hungry. i can't focus because i'm obsessing on this nameless thing that i'm hungry for.

part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship. part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship and something else. but both parts of me are in agreement that i'm ready for the real thing. a while ago i came to the realization that i am not happy alone; that i am just plain built to be part of something special with another person. however, i wasn't exactly ready back then for anything special with anyone. but at least i wasn't denying my nature any longer, saying that i was fine by myself and all that other post womens' lib crap.

but once i made the decision that a relationship was what i wanted, the hunger and restlessness began to grow. when i make the decision to do something, i don't waste time. i get up that moment and begin doing things to bring my end goal into fruition. i don't stop until i get what i want. it's just how i am.

however, i want the right relationship, and that's just not something you can rush. it's also not a goal you can work on that has any sort of measurable progress. you're alone, alone, alone...suddenly you're with someone. and i don't want just anyone, either, but the right one. i'm talking about the one, my one. my funkalicious groovemate.

if he's out there.

but i made the decision it's what i wanted, and aside from continuing to groom and mold myself into my own perfect, funkalicious groovemate, there's really nothing i can do. i'm not out to meet people, or get back into the dating scene, or play the field. i'm not out to waste my time or tire myself out "making the rounds." i'm just not.

but going about my life, trusting that it'll "just happen" is rather discouraging. my life consists of work, work, work, coming home and playing catch-up on chores that never get completely caught up. in the fall there will be school, and homework (which i'm dreading, but for entirely different reasons), and i've decided to pick up Freedom Revolution again, because i deserve it.

i don't have time to "play the field," and some would say that i don't have any time for any sort of relationship at all. but i say that i would have all the time in the world for the right person. however, i can't do anything to make that person show up. i can only continue as i have been.

and that sucks. hard. it's frustrating, and disheartening, and in the meantime i'm so lonely that it actually hurts right in my solar plexus. pathetic as it sounds. "lonely" is such an ugly, pathetic word. i'm surrounded by pairs of happy, comfortable partners and am so lonely i'll take affection from any direction it's offered right now. and i'm sorry if that doesn't sound quite as funktastic as Delena of the Funkywild is. but no matter how intelligent, or smart, or cute, or strong i am, i need to be touched and hugged and kissed and held while i sleep and told i'm pretty, and an entire host of other things that are so pathetic for a Wild Amazon to be admitting.

but fuck that, and fuck womens' lib, and fuck how it makes me look, and fuck what i think about what's pathetic, and fuck what anyone else thinks about what i need. i know what i need, and i know i want, and i know what i've had to live without.

there's also the conundrum of my love and loyalty for my parents...and my own happiness. if there were someone out there who was perfect for me, but who did not exactly meet my parents' standards, which would be more important? my loyalty to them, respect and obedience? or knowing i was passing up my chance to live a happy life with that perfect someone long after my parents are gone? the thought of either one twists a knife in my heart. there's injustice with either choice. but the thought of being kept from happiness brings a special pain. i've been abused so much, and had so much taken away from me from a very young age. the wish to be happy seems such a small thing to want.

i don't want to go another thirty years still pining for happiness, walking around incomplete.

21 guns

if you listen to the radio at all, you've heard this song. being that i'm in my work truck anywhere from two to six hours a day doing nothing but driving, i now listen to a lot of radio.

this song has really, really stuck with me. for a while i couldn't have told you why. well, aside from the really effing awesome music compilation and especially the drums, i couldn't think of anything. but then i sat down and listened to the lyrics, and i now realize why my subconscious has had such a strong connection to this song.

lately my life has been constant conflict: my body with my work schedule, my mind with my body, my previous programming with my actual needs, my work schedule with my family and friends, my conscious with my subconscious.

way back when, people used to believe that heaven and hell did battle every day, with our bodies and souls as their battle field. lately i've wondered if they were more correct than they were aware of.

i've come to realize certain things about myself, certain aspects of my soul i've denied and abused and tried to kill my entire life. i suppose you could call it my inner child. i've treated her rather cruelly. i'm learning to accept her.

also, a dear, dear person introduced me to a book i had never heard of, and a concept i hadn't known existed. the book is the highly sensitive person, and --like gluten-free girl-- is revolutionizing my life. i've bought three of her books ("the highly sensitive person," the workbook, and "the highly sensitive person in love") and am reading the first one.

sometimes i can't breathe, reading it. just like when i first cracked open gluten-free girl, i am reading a book that is telling me about my life in explicit detail. i've never really felt as if a book were speaking directly to me before, but this particular work is doing exactly that.

it's drumming up very powerful feelings within me. unfortunately, i read this book where and when i can, given my schedule, so it goes without saying i don't have the luxury to experience the emotions freely as if i were to read the book in private. because lemme tell you, if i were...this book would have had me railing and weeping and openly experiencing emotions i haven't felt in too many years.

it's also helping me see myself in an entirely new light: one that's not in the least negative. i'm not crazy. i do not have a disorder. i'm not too broken to live. do you know what it's like, finally learning that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you are worthy? finally, blessedly worthy?

worthy of what? worthy of being alive. worthy of breathing. worthy of just as much love and understanding and acceptance as anyone else.

it's another Delena of the Funkywild r[E]volution. so i'm going through my trunk of old clothes and dusting off my pink go-go boots, pink flashy-hearts-on-springs headband, and my bandolier filled with glitter lip gloss and small bottles of bubble solution. Delena the Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk is back.

she's fucking back.

so i'm raising the white flag. i'm giving the 21 gun salute, discharging my ammunition to show i am no longer hostile to my soul, my sensitive body, my needs, or my inner child. i have no idea how i'm going to live in peace and harmony with them --the demands of my work life are so strenuous and exacting-- but i know i will no longer continue the fight.

my strong, independent, tough adult self that can smell bullshit a mile away and refuses to take any shit from anyone can be an awesome, kickass big sister for my little girl self.

...why have i taken the reins from my bio-parents and been the evil stepmother to her for so long? why have i compounded her abuse? she's strong in her own way, and amazing to have survived for so long, with so little.

and so...i lay down my arms and give up the fight. 21 guns...i lift up my arms into the sky. her and i...

to whom it may concern,

I am...

...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.

...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.

...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.

...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love

...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.

...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.

...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.

...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.

...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.

...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.

...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.

saturation point

i'm tired.

just.

so.

tired.

we're talking the pick-a-fight-in-the-car-flash-point-moody tired. there's been getting up shortly after 5 to get to work on time, to sit in front of a computer or tv studying for eight hours straight, which is so boring and mentally taxing to be absorbing so much info with no other stimulus that i keep passing out at work. then it's run to class on the other side of town outside portland (which takes maybe 40 mins, or an hour and a half depending on traffic), to either get a few bits of homework done before class...or run in breathless already late. then i catch what usually amounts to breakfast at 8:30pm, home to take a shower, and usually *d* comes over to hang out with me a while and make sure i get to sleep.

i fall asleep well, if late, and wake up happy in his arms. i have appointments and workshops on the weekends, real estate or other meetings/get-togethers during the week, school in the evenings, freak out about homework somewhere in there, never see my family (i'm the first out the door, last in), catch a shower every other day (when i'm lucky), and sometimes just opt to pass out rather than get a shower.

my room's a horrendous mess, and don't even ask me about the state of my car. i absolutely love my job, my co-workers, and my company. i love how i'm going to be helping so many people, with a company that still believes in integrity.

integrity is still huge with me.

i'm just tired. tonight is the first free night i've had in weeks, and i'm leaving a friend high and dry on her birthday just so i can stay in, answer email, blog, and unwind. i feel horrible. she came to my wonderful Rocky Horror Costume Party on my birthday.

but i've been sitting here in my fuzzy pink robe, just stopping to feel the fabric. i haven't stopped to feel much lately. too busy. too focused. too tired. i want to take a hot shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Babylon 5, not answer my phone, not do anything.

in the meantime my room needs cleaning, my car needs cleaning out, that cloak for *cc* needs crocheting, homework needs to be done, my bathroom needs scrubbing... all these things are screaming at me, and i feel wretched for wanting to cry mercy.

but if i don't, i'm gonna pop a blood vessel.

here's to taking time, listening to our bodies, and just being in the quiet.

here...

...now...

...quiet.

daily deelite

daily deelite is back!! after a few emails with the lovelylicious and fabulously gorgeous jane at the painted house, i've come to realize that somewhere between then and now...i've undergone a transformation. like i told her, something's happened and i am changed down to my DNA. deeper. bigger.

not only are some things so clear to me now, so obvious, but i have to just smack myself upside the head and laugh. i never should have stopped my daily deelite.



1. always and ever, i'm thankful for my family. *cc*, *mj*, and i went out to my favorite place for dinner --mongolian gril, yay!-- and *cc* gave a toast. "here's to a new year, to being back with family where you belong, and fuck everybody else." she has such a way with words, it brings a tear to my eye. i love those words "with family," and "where you belong." which leads into my second deelite...

2. like the end of the Ugly Duckling story, i'm eternally happy and grateful to the universe for helping me find my swan family; people who recognize the kind of person i am, celebrate my unique Funkalicious streak, and encourage me to be even more dynamic, bombastic, and rockin' awesome.


3. i'm grateful for my kitty, the adorable and oh so cuddly rumbles. he's got so many nicknames here now, since he's so much bigger than any of the other kitties here. and we're not talking just a little bigger. no, he's got at least 3 pounds and is half again as wide as mookie, the formerly largest cat. he's so thick and burly, just a bruiser. but he's so gentle and is made up of nothing but soft fur and love. we call him Super Chunk, Schmoo, Schlubb, Tank, Thunk, and Little Pyro (he loveslovesloves candles, and the fireplace, lol). i love my kitty...

4. i'm thankful for getting as many chances as a woman needs to get it right. we're free to do it the way we want, and if things don't turn out exactly as we planned, we always have the greatest power available to us: the power to change our minds. we can turn around and retrace our steps back to the last time things made sense, or be free to choose an entirely new direction and blaze a new trail in total allegiance to our own truths. there are no rules to this, and every single tomorrow is what we believe and do today. we are amazing goddesses, and we are like aladdin with the magic lamp. in the original story, he was given as many wishes as he wanted...and so are we.

5. i'm thankful for Love. *sigh* i've been transformed. i remember Sonnet 148, my favorite of all time: "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears." heaven is clear, and the sun is shining! all this time loving and trusting my family has given me a strength i'd never have had if i only had myself to depend on as my bedrock. they are the cornerstone of my strength and my life. i would have stood on my own two feet and been just fine, with my family the strong foundation beneath my feet.

all this time, i thought it would weaken me to let someone else inside the walls of my secret garden. there are gentlemen out there, or men who fancy themselves as such. but they grew upset with me when they couldn't make me accept their help. but that vulnerability, that need for help sometimes, had to be freely given away. no one could take it. recently, i learned there is power in this, strong and magical and probably amongst the most ancient of magics: love, and trust, given freely. reaching out and taking someone by the hand, by my own choice, doesn't weaken me. it makes me stronger. it makes us stronger. and the trust that i will not fail this person, or that they will not fail me, is another form of faith. there's a saying that faith unlocks the door to heaven.

i remember this one time riding the Boomerang at Knott's Berry Farm. it's one of my favorite roller coasters of all time: in less than a minute, you hurl through six full revolutions, and then you do it backwards. there's one loop that's a double, and there's no acceleration through the second loop. you're going so slowly, it's pretty terrifying because it feels like the whole coaster's going to hit the apex and just drop. i used to hold onto the U-bar for dear life, trying to shove myself back in my seat. the U-bar rattled and shifted perilously, further feeding my fear. and then one day...i dunno. i was feeling wild and free. i was at the park with my friends, not my bio-parents, so something in me wasn't so rigidly locked down, and i just let go. i threw my arms into the air and howled on the ride, put all my weight against the U-bar and just trusted it would hold me.

...and it didn't rattle, or sway, or shift. with my full weight against it, with me trusting it to hold, it did. solidly. and the ride was no longer the terror-thrill it had always been. it was just...thrilling. i threw myself into it, full of faith unrestrained. nothing half-assed. and the fear just vanished. i realized that day that if you hold back and do things half-assed, just put your toe in and try things tepidly without really trying them, you'll never get anything out of life but shaky instability. and you'll always wonder why things keep giving out beneath you. only by going out full bore do you finally give the Universe the room it needs to shower you with all the blessings it truly wants to.

and this power...oh my Funky Wow. it's not just a feeling i have, but a damn certainty that i will receive everything i want and everything will happen exactly the way they need to, to give me the best possible happy beginning, middle, and end. it's hope, but unlike any hope i've ever felt before. i know that everything i could ever want is already mine, and it's as simple as that. i know it.

Faith, Hope, and Love. i finally get it. i've never been so strong, or so powerful, or so dang blessed! i'm in love. i'm living In Love.

May the Funk be with you.

the Year of the Delena

I declare 2009 The Year of the Funktastic Wow. two-zero-zero-eight, the Year of the Delena, draws to a close and, as i sit here well on the road to drunk, i find i'm in the perfect state of brutal honesty to go into this year in review:

we had the pleasure and singular privelege of witnessing the Great Confrontation and Bake Sale, the Night of the Great Kabloosh, and the Saddest Support Call Ever.

we also watched When Weird Giant Killer-Squids from Outer Space Attack! (which was a really freakin' weird episode...), Notes From My Pussygata, and we heard iGoddess Speak. there was also the debut of iGoddess: the Movie!

oh yeah.

we also saw a few characters leave the show. we said good-bye to *ds* and *ks*, who are making the dysfunctional, unhealthy, unbelievable choices that they --as individuals, adults, and fucktards-- are free to make. *sy* came and went with all the fanfare of a fart in the wind, and i haven't had a real relationship since.

i'm in love. damn me for it. but there it is.

so here are the 10 Things I Will Happily NEVER DO in 2009: The Year of the Funktastic Wow...

1.) Accept the things I am told I cannot change.

Your thoughts become things. Don't fight it. Don't think there's anything else. Don't entertain the false premises of fate, luck, or a God who judges, withholds, or decides. You decide. You manifest. You rule. This is why you are here. This is what you came to discover. You were born to experience your absolute dominion over every flimsy, malleable illusion of time and space; to have, do, and be anything.

Truthfully, it couldn't be any easier. All you have to do is think of what you want and refuse to deviate from that thought. This will, invariably, set you into motion, stir up the magic, and unleash the full force, power, and majesty of a Universe conspiring on your behalf.

The Universe

see? ha! ...fuckers. i can change the world. don't tell second-generation star stuff come alive what it can and cannot do!

2.) Ever. Stop. Writing.

"You know this is an endurance game. All the old playground rules still apply: you don't get picked for the team, you watch the game and come back the next day. When you're picked, forget mistakes, you've got to be better than everyone else on the field. Bloody noses and skinned knees are not an excuse to quit. And if you have the stubbornness (or stupidity) to stay in the game until the end of the day, you get to come back tomorrow and have the crap kicked out of you all over again. But: everyone else who can't stand on the sidelines, play their hearts out or take a few bruises goes home sniffling about what great players they would have been, if only the game had been fair and the other players nicer." --PBW

3.) Trust my naiveté

i've just had that lesson rubbed into my face, up my nose, in my hair, way too often.

4.) Ever give up on Love

love is the cornerstone of Pronoia, and the star-stuff that Funk is made of, baby. hippies were called love children; the summer of '69 the Summer of Love, and the greatest of These is love, man.

5.) Sacrifice my naivité

i might be stupidly naïve, but i'd rather be disappointed occasionally as i believe in people, then be bitterly cynical and RIGHT all the time...

(dammit, i mean it...no matter how much it feels like a lie...)

6.) Never stop loving everyone in my life.

and this includes people like big *c*, and willow (the first woman i ever Loved), and everyone i've ever said good-bye to. i will always love you, no matter what comes between us. i loved you. i will always love you. that's just how i was built.

7.) Give Up.

'nuff said.

8.) TBA

9.) TBA

10.) TBA

daily deelite

The Creative Power within us makes us into the image of that to which we give our attention. We are Thinking Substance, and thinking substance always takes the form of that which it thinks about.
--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 49

if that's the way it works, then these are the things upon which i choose to give my unwavering focus. and if this is the way it really works, then this daily exercise is the most valuable thing i could ever do for myself and those i love...

1. i am now in a place where i can actually express true, honest gratitude to all the contributors to my Summer of Funky Kali Love. but especially to willow, richard, and rosemary, if they were standing before me right at this minute, i would put my hands together and bow deeply to express how grateful i am for their harsh treatment and swift, misguided judgement. and no, not for the reasons people might think. i am grateful because, until that moment, i'd always had the luxury of affixing my identity and goals to those of others because i was adrift. by cutting me loose, i was free to be true to myself without the added pressure of feeling disloyal to people whose dreams were not my own.

because they kicked me out of eden, i was removed enough to realize eden was not for me and never was. i was able to follow the true heroine's journey: i suffered a loss that mortally wounded my spirit; i followed persephone and abducted myself to the underworld, became my own master of the skills Lilith taught me and learned to love the darkness; i rose again, fully in my power as a woman, witch, and shining being.

i never could have done that had i still been latching myself to others out of fear and insecurity. so for that gift they inadvertently gave me, i am so grateful.

2. i am grateful for the abusive experiences which made up the fabric of my childhood. it's given me an insight and inner strength that many people will never have. it's given me an awareness of my surroundings, and finely-honed empathy, that takes most people a few decades into their adulthood before they develop that same gift...if they ever do. it's also given me the ability to feel things more deeply than i think a lot of people do. my spectrum of emotion goes to great lows, yes, but the eternal balance is that my highs are just as powerful. and it's impressed upon me great value and appreciation for love and loyalty.

i don't know who said it, but yesterday i heard this quote: "Judge me not by the heights to which I have climbed, but by the depths from whence i've come." taking these words into account, then considering where i'm going...you'll be seeing me atop mt. everest. i don't have to try and build inner strength, discipline, or burning desire. they were already forged when i was a child, and for this i am grateful.

3. i am grateful, also, for how difficult and life-threatening my pregnancy with li'l *c* was. in those nine months of hell i was given the opportunity to prove to myself and others just how strong my love can be, and what i am willing to face for love of a child i carry. knowing this, knowing i might very well face it again, when i say "i want more children" it leaves no room for doubt or mystery on anyone's part how serious i am. people ask, "are you sure? you know what you went through last time."

i turn to them and say, "so do i. how can i be anything but sure, then?" from day 1 of pregnancy, i was tested, and shown the real costs that come with motherhood, so there was never a fantasy in my mind of it being all fluffy-bunny picnics and sunshine. from day 1 i sacrificed, i toed the line of kidney failure, and on his birthday we both almost died. no, there is no doubt in my mind, and now i know the lengths i'll go to be a good mother, and i know i'll put myself --body and soul-- on the line for my children and never hesitate. for this knowledge alone, i would do it all again. i'm grateful for it.

4. i am grateful for every abusive relationship or experience i've ever had. not that i would choose to repeat them, but they helped me grow and taught me many, many things about myself, others, and life in general. true, i had to go through certain scenarios a few times, but once i finally Awakened and learned what i needed to, it catapulted me into a completely new level of thinking and understanding. not only this, but armed with this knowledge of experience, i now am better equipped to raise my iGoddess child when she's finally born. coupled with the things my childhood taught me, the iGoddess child will be a strong, aware, independent and confident girl-child who will grow into an amazingly strong, flexible, loving and fully whole woman complete unto herself. this knowledge i can pass on to her from a place of deep knowing, not just theory. i'll be able to not only warn her of the pitfalls of hormones, seduction, and fairy tales, but teach her how to recognize them and share my own experiences. and then i can also hold up my healthy, fantastic marriage as the shining example to which everything else might be compared. because, as we all know, i will live my happily ever after.

and i'm grateful for the path that has led and will continue to lead me there, bad relationships, abuse, and all.

5. and lastly, i am grateful for love. in all its forms, i am grateful for the love i have in my life. there are my parents, my nine brothers and sisters (and even though i haven't spoken to *k* in years and likely won't again, i'm sure she still at least loves me for the sake of our good years), some very dear friends (like my sheree, and greggo), and my vast mexican family. there's a lot of abundance in the love i enjoy.

and last night, a very strange thing happened. and by "strange" i mean somewhat extraordinary, or curious. maybe even striking. but it was strange. remember that nice young gentleman i'd mentioned a little while ago? we've been seeing each other quite regularly but, like i said, he hasn't instigated "the talk." i continue to be happy waiting for him to bring it up in his own way, for men are such skittish creatures and unless they think something their own, original idea, show them something new and they have a tendency to scream and run away. the poor dears.

anyway, last night he invited me over. we watched the Olympics Women's Beach Volleyball, and a documentary about String Theory on NOVA he had on dvd. he rummaged around the cupboards for pasta, picked a few leaves off his basil plant, and we had basil (and GARLIC) pesto. we talked about the house he's bidding on. we brought the mattress from the fold-out bed down to the basement because it was kinda too warm upstairs.

in other words, we did absolutely nothing special.

but we were curled up together and i thought he'd already fallen asleep. i was dozing off myself, completely relaxed, when he folded his arms around me, held me very close, and kissed me. i think i was so relaxed and half-asleep that i just acted reflexively and kissed him back, and like someone else's voice entirely, i heard it in the back of my head: "i love you..." i didn't have the energy or capacity to be surprised by it until the next morning when i remembered.

i suppose this means i'm in love. maybe. it's not like what or how i usually feel romantic love, though. it's quieter than usual, relaxed and understated. fiery passion isn't any part of it, that hot and burning and dramatic eros. it's more of an easy affection that's comfortable and friendly. it's the kind of feeling that's happy to lay his head on my lap and run my fingers through his long hair while we watch dvd's of NOVA documentaries and talk about the 11th dimension. (because yes, we do that) it's the kind of feeling that makes my body react without thinking when i find myself automatically massaging his feet while we talk about the psychological and sociological impact of race, gender, culture, and language upon an individual or debate the rammifications of faith in exercise of the Law of Attraction (yeah, i know, our conversations just aren't normal...). it's the kind of feeling that's just playful, and so dang comfortable, when we're in his kitchen teaching him how to make pesto, or spanish rice, or spaghetti. it's the kind of feeling that makes me so eager to share with him the things that i know, and keeps me so eager and open to learn those things he knows and shares with me.

it's the kind of comfortable as if i'd known him for years, but i know he would keep me learning as long as i knew him. it's not nearly as dramatic or intense as i'm accustomed to, but all the same, i was relaxed enough to hear loud and clear what my subconscious had to tell me. and i'm grateful for that love, too.

if nothing else, it lets me know i'm still open to love, and i'll be okay no matter what happens.

"the golden prayer"

"prayers are nothing more than throwing what you want out into the universe."
--kotabear

there was this was the lovely opening in my freewill astrology newsletter, a quote by deepak chopra, and it's been sticking with me ever since yesterday. and, of course, it actually got me thinking about something else from my catholic childhood that sticks with me to this day. i wanted to throw it out there, because i think deepak really expresses the concept of yielding with love and understanding in order to receive those things in return...yet in the giving of them, receiving them for yourself becomes less important than the simple act of reaching out to another soul.

because i've recently learned that it's really true: whatever you're feeling is what you're resonating, and whatever you're resonating is what you're attracting.

"Once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath."
-Deepak Chopra, The Deeper Wound: Recovering the Soul from Fear and Suffering

this quote really --finally-- brought home a prayer i've always loved, from the only saint with whom i've had a connection and continued to feel connected to even after almost a decade after leaving the Church.


Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me bring your love,
Where there is injury your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where is darkness, only light,
And where there's sadness ever joy.

O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood; as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving of ourselves that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life
--Prayer of St. Francis

stepping out of "me" and into alignment

there were a few posts a while ago where i talked about not harping on finding my Funky groovemate and instead becoming my own Funky groovemate. i started loving myself, accepting myself, and in general being someone that i would love to hang out with.

i took myself out on dates to movies and dinner, and learned to love being alone under the great blue sky. i read books i loved, wrote blog entries that made me laugh, and used all my Funky cosmic power to learn to love everything about me. i began to draw towards me those things, people, and events that helped maintain this new delena-love and challenged me to multiply it and focus it outward in an act of loving the world.

it's come back to me a hundredfold.

but one thing that was not in keeping with my swingin' hippie-shake of peace and love toward my fellow humans and my own juicy self was a certain misalignment toward the whole concept of love, radical intimacy, and marriage.

you see, certain members of my lovely family are rather cynical in my opinion. this doesn't diminish my love for them, and i don't judge them for it. however, i used to permit their harsh edges to injure me in small ways, usually when i opened my mouth to express some soft-edged observation or opinion that comes from my corner of Funkalicious love, compassion, and faith in humanity. i might even daresay a little naïveté. i don't see the jagged edge of society that they do, and i admit i've always been rather sheltered from things like that: i don't know the nicknames for street drugs, i underestimate the lengths people will go to for money, and my ability to recognize the power-hungry and controlling is severely limited. i believe in the innate goodness of mankind, and i truly believe it's protected me from being severely injured by life.

after all, nothing's been done to me that's scarred me for life. throughout it all, i've maintained my ability to love and be loved, haven't i?

so, because of my family's gritty and experienced views on life, i've often felt quite embarrassed to express such things as, "i want to be in a wonderful marriage," or "i want more children," or even, "love is out there for me. i know it!" i had a disasterous relationship with *m*, and my efforts to give him so many chances to prove his character was a stupid judgement call. i know i ignored my intuition where he was concerned, and the whole thing ended stupidly. because of that, i feel this added pressure to...well, while it's not a pressure to "be perfect," it's certainly a feeling that i really don't have room for any more mistakes pretty much of any kind. i'm intelligent, saavy, and have wonderful resources to draw upon. mistakes like *m* shouldn't happen.

i'm human; mistakes will happen, but it's how i bounce back that matters. however, the pressure is there. i don't want to disappoint my family again, and i want to reflect well upon my parents. they have so much faith in me.

it felt kind of stupid, childish, and silly to express my provincial desires for careerlovemarriagechildren. didn't i have enough in being a good daughter? a good sister? love wasn't all it was cracked up to be, right? marriage was a pain in the ass and the pains outweighed the blessings most of the time, right? i mean, *cc* kept telling me to go the casual sex route: get what i wanted, then continue my independent, merry way. best of both worlds.

i felt outvoted and rather diminished, like a simpleton in a family of geniuses. but i wasn't. i simply believe in looking for the goodness in everything around me, in having faith in people, in raising the bar of my expectations and being a beacon in the night for All That Is Good. it seems childish, but it's not. it's childlike, and there's a difference.

so my first goal, if i wanted to find and build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a good man, was to become in alignment with myself. have you ever seen a person who said they were "fine," but you knew they were seething inside? their little "act" wasn't so convincing, was it? and didn't you just get a sort of creepy feeling being around them, like their conflict was so tangible it grated on you? made you uncomfortable?

well, being out of alignment in any of your true desires is like that, and people around you can sense it. if you want something --more money, a better car, a rewarding relationship, more time to spend with the people you love doing the things you enjoy-- but you tell yourself that you're content with what you have and you don't need those things...that's being out of alignment. it's dishonest. now, if you truly are content with what you have, that's different. but even the satisfaction with what you have can be in the presence of a desire to have more, to be more, and to know there's something out there that's better. that is being out of alignment, even if you've buried it deep down.

it comes out in a myriad of ways, and the dischord within you is actually repelling those things away from you that you most desire to attract. what i did was actually just sit down with myself and admit out loud what it was i wanted. i'd spent so long trying to convince myself i didn't want those things that i now had to get comfortable with them again.

"i want to be married," i said. it actually felt weird saying it, but i made myself keep going. "i want to be happily married to a wonderful man, and to have a lasting connection and radical intimacy." then i went even further. i defined those terms: radical intimacy, lasting connection, relationship, wonderful man, and happy marriage. i fixed them in my mind. when i was comfortable with that, i felt a peace melt within me, and it suffused my entire being. i had admitted to myself and the universe what i truly wanted...and my smile was no longer fake.

next i went out and declared my desires to friends i trusted whom i knew wouldn't laugh at me or discredit my desire by putting it down. when i was comfortable with that, and now even more energized by my friends' support, i posted it on my blog. i told my family. and i think because i was coming from a place of genuine alignment, of confidence and faith in my endeavor to realize my desires, they received it well. they support me.

i stepped outside of focusing on "me" like a wheedling, whining child, distanced myself from my ego and insecurity, and stepped into alignment with my true desires.

i became that much closer to resonating the frequency of my own inner Funk.

i spoke my Truth, and i owned it.

that was the beginning of the Revolution.

anthem

anthem
chapter 11
by ayn rand


I am. I think. I will.

My hands . . . My spirit . . . My sky . . . My forest . . . This earth of mine. . . . What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.

I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.¹

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.^[2][3]

Many words have been granted me, and some are wise, and some are false, but only three are holy: "I will it!"⁴

Whatever road I take, the guiding star is within me; the guiding star and the loadstone which point the way. They point in but one direction. They point to me. ⁵

I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.^[6][7]

Neither am I the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a servant of their needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds. I am not a sacrifice on their altars.⁸

I am a man. This miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before!

I do not surrender my treasures, nor do I share them. The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of the spirit. I guard my treasures: my thought, my will, my freedom. And the greatest of these is freedom.⁹

I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do I gather debts from them. I ask none to live for me, nor do I live for any others. I covet no man's soul, nor is my soul theirs to covet.¹⁰

I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers, but such as each of them shall deserve of me. And to earn my love, my brothers must do more than to have been born. I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor¹¹ is a thing to be earned.

I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire. For in the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. Let each man keep his temple¹² untouched and undefiled. Then let him join hands with others if he wishes, but only beyond his holy threshold.

For the word "We" must never be spoken, save by one's choice and as a second thought. This word must never be placed first within man's soul, else it becomes a monster, the root of all the evils on earth, the root of man's torture by men, and of an unspeakable lie.

The word "We" is as lime poured over men, which sets and hardens to stone, and crushes all beneath it, and that which is white and that which is black are lost equally in the grey of it. It is the word by which the depraved steal the virtue of the good, by which the weak steal the might of the strong, by which the fools steal the wisdom of the sages.^[13][14]

And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride.

This god, this one word:

"I." ¹⁵

---

1. "I swear by three times three times three...these shall remain my own. And whatever may transpire, no god nor man nor beast may take them from me. I swear by myself and my immortality." --The Oath of Lilith

2. "Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all/ Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." --John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn

3. "Blessings on your eyes. Blessings on your children. Blessings on the ground beneath you. My heart is a ladle of sweet water, brimming over. Selah." --old canaanite blessing, The Red Tent p.4

4. "An harm ye none, do as thou wilt." --The Wiccan Rede

5. "The microcosm of the macrocosm" --Democritus, 5th century BCE

6. "Four Dignities of the Warrior's Path" --the Shambhala training path, regarding Perkiness, or Irrepressible Joy...the 2nd Dignity

7. "Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth... Let [Me] be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals." --The Charge of the Goddess --Doreen Valiente

8. [see lyrics: "Not the Doctor"] --Alanis Morissette

9. "Give yourself a little freedom to develop into something or someone you'd actually like to be." --Donald J. Trump, Why We Want You to be Rich p.101

10. "...i am as i have been, as i am, as i always shall be. so the fuck mote it be." --Funk: A Declaration of Independence, by yours truly

11. "No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave." --Calvin Coolidge

12. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? ...Therefore, honor God with your body." --1 Cor. 6:19-20 (see 7.)

13. "Material abundance without character is the surest way to destruction. Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." --Thomas Jefferson

14. "pop nihilism...is nothing more than the same Dry Cynical Infrastructure of the Evil Trickster Phallocrats which boasts all the geometrical symmetry of a constipated nazi general..." --mama always said... --by yours truly

15. "And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without." --Charge of the Goddess by Doreen Valiente

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): What Martin Luther King Jr. said about epic struggles in the political arena is also apt for you in your private life, especially now: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." I recommend that you translate his advice into the intimate details of your relationships. If you really do that with the irresistible force of your burning conviction, you will prove another one of King's excellent thoughts: "Unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality."


y'know, part of me wanted to interpret this in the spirit of my new focus --my dedication to drawing to myself my Funky groovemate through the power of my thoughts and the confidence i have in the universe constructing custom-made blessings for me-- but there are other applications to it, as well.

projecting love and light --however HappyHippieBullshit it seems to the cynical of the world-- really does work to draw those very things towards you in abundance. like attracts like, one of the most fundamental laws of nature. with all the drama going on at work, all i do is project a caring, empathic energy and people are confiding in me, seeking my advice and opinions. there's room for honesty, and an ability to navigate those murky waters almost as miraculously as if i'd simply decided to walk on water.

"look, ma! i'm jesus!'

and at home, as well. *ds* and *ks* still asked if i was upset with them, but i wasn't. project love, channel empathy, and truth naturally follows. sometimes, within my adopted family, i feel like the simple-minded child, the one saturated in naïveté who gets patted on the head whenever i speak from the place of compassion or empathy. but i truly believe people will feel safer and freer to be true to themselves, to speak their own truth, in an environment shining with love and empathy. there's no room for judgement in such atmosphere, only acceptance and understanding.

or, at least, the striving for understanding. and as long as there is empathy, there will be fertile ground for communication, which will bear rich fruits of understanding.

this makes so much sense to me. sometimes i wonder why more people don't get it. of course, to be fair, it didn't always make sense... if unconditional love is to have its final word, i must recognize everyone is at their own individual place in their own individual growth stories, and perhaps they simply haven't developed to the point where they can see what i see so plainly.

and that's okay, too.

everyone is at their own place in their own story, and the unfoldling of the story will happen in its own time. there's simply no rushing it.

however, if dr. king was talking about epic struggles in the political arena, and if we take that same epic force and apply it to my focus to find my Groovemate with all the irresistible force of my burning conviction, then it's really only a matter of time until my projected love and resonating empathy draw to me someone who will love, protect, treasure, and adore me. only someone worthy of the gift of my Trinity of Self will be attracted to my roaring empathy, shining love, and burning compassion.

and then will come The Time of Unarmed Truth and Unconditional Love.

for Unarmed Truth is another way of saying vulnerability, which is what real intimacy demands. and unconditional love? intimacy fosters open communication, trust, and respect...which engender unconditional love.

...all the ingredients necessary to create the Radical Intimacy i shall enjoy with my Funky groovemate...

"to serve all, but love only one"

sometimes i wonder where chivalry has gone, and i lament i shall never find it again. this is the modern age, i know, of capitalism, consumerism, women holding more of the spending power and making up the majority percentage of marketing brackets. women demand what they want, speak up in the board room, and are more likely to kick some mugger's ass with her Tai Bo kickboxing than scream for help. women are bitches and it's a compliment. women go for what they want and are queens of their lives.

and It Was Good.

me, however? while not of an older generation, i have an older spirit and cherish the old code. some things, then, remain confusing to me. the women's movement of the 70's was a wonderful breakthrough in the concept of equality and freedom for all individuals. i know we have a ways to go (e.g. same-sex marriage), but it was a fantastic start.

however, somewhere along the way, we lost sight of the original goal of the movement: freedom of choice.

in magic, the most powerful act a witch can perform is to change her mind. thought is power, i've said this before. our thoughts shape our realities. but as a girl growing up, it was driven into me that i would be independent, able to take care of myself in every capacity, and be at the mercy of no man. my education was my ticket to this freedom. i would make no choice that relinquished an iota of this freedom, this power.

i was no child of the barrio, to whom a scholarship or military position was a way out of the projects. i lived in the middle class of the early 80's, went to a private school, and had as my role-models some very talented and educated adults who taught me to think and perform my gifts and skills to the best of my ability. i was given piano and voice lessons to hone my inherited musical talents. i was blessed with a very sharp mind, and had a genius for the liberal arts and communication. "armed" with these "powerful weapons," as my bio-dad would say, i would go very far in this world and make him proud. i would be a lawyer and champion causes for mi familia, or perhaps be a diva at the metropolitan opera house and bring glory to la familia.

all for la familia, and i would never want for anything. never would i dread my husband returning home, never would i be beaten and dragged around the house by my hair, unable to escape because my lack of education barred me from ever getting a decent job and thus couldn't support myself.

in this, my bio-dad was a success. i am an intelligent, self-sufficient woman able to make my own choices and support my own needs.

however, something was always lacking. i could see the subtle beauty in walking a step behind a man, the gentle protection in a man who spoke for a woman in public, the respect in helping a woman out of a car. true chivalry is more than holding a door open for a woman, or ordering for her when out at a restaurant. it's more than simply doing these things.

it is the understanding of why these things are done.

by the old code, a knight was a lady's champion, offering her protection in a world where she might come to harm. anyone with sense knew better than to molest a knight's lady, for he would pursue them to defend her honor. in this world of women's rights, license to carry a concealed weapon, and martial arts defense classes, it's been proven a thousand times over a woman is quite capable of protecting herself.

this is not the point.

men were made to protect and provide, to act, and to do. women were made to love and to nurture, to intuit, and to create. i believe this. women's energy blossoms to its fullest when it is creating and nurturing, loving and caring. (true, not all women are like this, but of course it's just understood i'm talking in generalities.) men's energy shines its strongest when they are protecting and providing for their homes, acting and doing. the balance of male and female energy comes when they act in synergy, addressing the balance of yin and yang, acting to the fullest in the ways nature made us strongest and enabling our partner to do the same. being women makes men better able to be men, and vice versa. and we love them for it.

i would love a man who could protect me, and provide for our home. if he loved the idea of my staying at home to raise our children and make our house a home, it would make me happiest. let him provide for our home, while i remained behind and built the foundation of that home. now, in this day of two-income families, i understand if that's not possible, and that's fine, too. i love my career and i am happy in it.

it's the mentality i cherish, the deep-seated respect for both genders, their roles, their strengths, and their weaknesses. in the old code, there was no room for selfish sexism, only an appreciation for and understanding of the sacred duty to support and foster the strengths of your opposite by living up to the full potential of your own gender. this way created synergy.

sexism came, and upset the balance.

feminism came to redress it, but in its wake left generations of girls who grew into women confused and feeling guilty if they wanted to choose anything other than the freedom to do everything yourself, be a bitch, and take what you want. that works in the corporate world, but it sorely fails to address the balance needed in a more intimate union. if i ever said i wanted to be a stay at home mom, i was met with a lot of apprehension, or outright disgust. when i said i was made to be One of Two, i had "you don't need a man to complete you!" thrown at me from so many angles it made my head spin and my heart hurt. when i said, "i want another baby," i got scoffed at and was told not to be a disgusting slave to the base animal drive to procreate. i was told to smash the goddamned biological clock already. i was asked if i'd thought things through, if i wasn't absolutely sure because, sheesh, i had so much more freedom in my single life!

i'm sure they meant well, but family and friends had been programmed by the women's movement whether they knew it or not, but had no inkling of the true goal: freedom of choice. how can it be said i am truly free to choose if no one will permit me to choose to reject the model of the Independent Woman of the New Millennium? of the Uber-Bitch? of the Corporate Dragon Lady who is just as comfortable in $500 prada heels as she is in combat boots? in my religion, barefoot and pregnant is a position of ultimate power and holiness, as i stand connected to the life within me and the life of the Mother beneath my very feet.

where is the man who will order for me in a restaurant, hold the door open for me, help me with my coat? where is the man who stands when i enter or leave a room because he understands the power i hold as a woman, and knows i grant him the same respect and show it in how i keep his home and raise our children? men have it in them to be knights-errant, to be noble and just, strong and respectful and deeply loving. women have it in them to be humble and surrendering, for to be humble is to have the ability to truly show gratitude for those tokens of affection men bring to us through virtue of their abilities, like opening a difficult pickle jar or retrieving the wine glasses on the top shelf that are too high to reach. to be surrendering is to relinquish the desire to control the outcome and every aspect of a relationship we can't control, anyway. to be surrendering is to accept him the way he is, and to appreciate his abilities and show gratitude for the ways he shows his love.

men know we can open the jar ourselves, but they do it for us because men do things, and they do to show their love.

men like women who are soft and delicate, who don't try to change him, who have a pretty smile, a beautiful heart, and a brilliant brain. women like to be and feel pretty, to have soft skin and painted toenails, to be liked for who we are, and to show how smart we are. they like us when we are exactly as we already like to be. why, then, is there such a battle between the sexes when there can be such glorious harmony?

the concept of courtly love took sex out of the equation, for often the knight's lady was in some way unattainable -- whether it be social status, distance, or some other factor. thus it became necessary for a lady and her knight to rise above lust and infatuation, and create some other foundation for their relationship. they had to learn to love, honor, and cherish one another.

and thus was the tapestry of the old code woven: love, honor, and charity.

"the motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one."
honore de balzac (1841)

delena haiku

i wrote this just now for a friend of mine. i'm always saying that if i were an organic Amazon, hardcore rockin' lesbian, she would so totally be my wife by now. however, i am still quite the lover of men and, yes, may the jokes concerning my vegetarianism and heterosexuality abound. soybeans are another excellent source of protein, thanks...

but anyway, humor aside, i wanted to fill your hearts with warmth and share this haiku i wrote for her simply because she's such an inspiration to me. she's a close and very dear friend, and i absolutely adore her. it was in answer to her question, "why do i love you so damn much?"

like a hand mirror,
i reflect your gorgeous self
right back atcha, babe. =)

you are like the wind --
refreshing and uplifting.
laughter of the sky.

you are like the earth --
beautiful and majestic.
you know i speak truth.

you are like the sun --
golden in your happiness.
you shine, it warms me.

you are like the sky --
wise to the far horizon.
i look up to you.

you are like the sea --
deep darkness harbors untold
riches of your heart.

you are like sheree --
my close and dear, lovely friend...
closest to my soul.

< /censored? >

the one law iGoddess has always had is, "no censorship -- ever." it has been my guiding light and support from the very first day i set foot in the blogosphere. blogs were still actually kinda new back then. and at first it was the only place i had in my life where i could be completely honest with some of the things that were going on.

sometimes, looking back on that lonely, confused, neglected new wife and mother that wrote her first entry and posted it online with all the trepidation and hope a castaway feels tossing that message in a bottle into the waves, all i can think is, "that poor girl." and when the memories of the Baseball Bat Incident resurfaced after fourteen years of utter burial, the response i received only boosted me up and supported my decision to maintain utter, brutal, and ugly honesty here.

it makes the beautiful things so much brighter...

sometimes i wonder what it is about the whole thing, y'know? i mean, i think i've gained a measure of respect in my little blogging iVillage. there's never judgement, no matter how stark my posts can be. perhaps that says something for getting to know someone online; there's always a measure of distance instead of being a real, solid person standing right before you and into whose eyes you may see the reality of the things mentioned in their blog. and to a point, that's true.

but i had a conversation with someone recently about how people are so busy maintaining their façades and it's the nitty-gritty of life behind the masks that make them real. well, i've made a good habit of being real up here, and working as hard as i can to make the difference between what's up here and what's in the flesh as small as possible. of course, what's up here is sometimes a bit freer with language and opinions, but there's also nothing i've said here that i haven't said in the presence of my family.

i think part of it comes down to vulnerability. long-time readers of iGoddess will find familiar my confused lament about how the unconditional love and acceptance i receive from my family is nonexistant in the wide world of relationships. then again, a small while ago i realized why this is. the first tenet of Witch is "personal responsibility," and if there is a situation or difficulty, we must understand our contribution before we can move towards harmony.

needless to say, mine was not a childhood (or young adulthood) in which vulnerability was encouraged. it was ravenously devoured. i began to hide it. the few times i've played card cames with people who were rather serious about the game have told me that while i might not be the best at cards (i freakin' suck at poker, i swear), i had the best poker face and no tells whatsoever. i've also been told that the only way to know when i'm actually truly, deeply upset is because i give nothing away. the deeper my distress, the calmer i get. my breathing is perfectly even, my face void of expression. these were my defenses against the pain of having my vulnerability exploited.

and yet, with my (adopted) family i am dynamic, soft, vulnerable, and open. there is free communication, respect, and wholehearted acceptance. this is something i thought was isolated to family and which i would never find elsewhere. however, i smashed the glass and hit the Big Red Button that said, "I Change My Mind."

i must also change my Self. when i declared my new aim --to enrich my life with a loving, committed relationship built upon radical intimacy and respect-- i knew i would have to change many things within myself. i have resolved to be more open to chances and opportunity; to be more vulnerable by revealing my thoughts and feelings more; by surrendering to the universe in order to live in the moment and accept what comes; by receiving what people offer me and knowing i am worthy of their affection as a shining being; by trusting; by letting go of fear and knowing i will be unconditionally loved by those worthy of my love.

do you know what i've found so far? *laughs* i'll tell you...

i've found the real me, buried so long ago she was believed lost forever. i've found the freedom to exercise my true nature, which is one of pure love.

conversations with a disillusioned heart

while driving home...


me: i've never really liked valentine's day. in grade school it was a popularity contest, receiving those valentine-o-grams with lollipops or balloons. i wasn't liked, let alone popular. in high school, i'd already been injured enough by males to get a kick out of dumping boyfriends a few days before valentine's day. married, there was the bouquet of stargazers for a couple years, then nothing. valentine's day sucks.

now there's someone who called me up to ask, "hey, what do you want to do for valentine's day?" it surprised me. *looking over shoulder to change lanes* i made him dinner last night, and we enjoyed wine, italian, and movies at his place. i never said anything, but it was my valentine gift.

my Disillusioned Heart: but i thought you never made dinner for anyone if it wasn't special.

me: i don't, but that's just it. i'll cook for family. i cooked for the special men in my life. but i couldn't help it. i just wanted to.

my Disillusioned Heart: but you didn't want to get serious. you said you were done with men, with hoping for a husband, with believing in that kind of love being possible in your life. you're such a flake!

me: i don't understand it. the one relationship i've tried so hard to keep from getting serious is the relationship that's turned out to be the most rewarding i've ever been in. i know that should tell me something, but what? i'm not yet sure. *downshifting for slower traffic*

my Disillusioned Heart: it tells you serious relationships are never rewarding. every time you got serious, you got fucked and i got smashed to pieces. this last time with *m*? the fucker put me in a blender! do you know how NOT fun it is to be frappéed? i'm a fucking pile of goo now. no pieces to put back together. thanks for that, by the way.

me: i know, i'm sorry. i should have protected you better. my naïveté and trusting nature shouldn't be an excuse. but i don't agree with you, either. my love role-models show me committed relationships are among the most rewarding things in the universe.

my Disillusioned Heart: they're merely the exception proving the rule.

me: people all over the world have rewarding, committed relationships.

my Disillusioned Heart: *raises a brow* seems like everyone but you, huh?

me: no need to be so hurtful. and no, not everyone. if everyone had the same special gift, it wouldn't be special anymore, would it? ...'cept for the gift of life. that's always special, and everyone has that.

my Disillusioned Heart: *scoffs* too bad so many people squander it. don't appreciate what they take for granted.

me: just because they're blind to the specialness doesn't take it away, though. it's always there. just like my own specialness has always been there, whether They ever appreciated it or not. you and i? we let Their blindness convince us we were just seeing things, hallucinating our own specialness. we were wrong.

my Disillusioned Heart: ain't nothing special 'bout amorphous goo that used to be a heart.

me: *laughs* 'cept that now i can take that goo, like cake batter, and bake it slowly in the warmth of peace, forgiveness, and self-respect. spread the Funk on you like cream cheese frosting. when it's done, you'll be whole again. good as new, but stronger. denser. moist and sweet and delicious. maybe you, my oft-broken heart, had to be completely destroyed --frappéed, as you put it-- to put you into the perfect consistency for resurrection. wouldn't that be exactly what our goddesses do? compassionate destruction to utter completion? resurrection to a stronger, purer Self?

my Disillusioned Heart: shut up.

me: perhaps you had to utterly die, my heart, in order to truly live again.

my Disillusioned Heart: *quiet a moment* ...you sound like you actually believe this bunk.

me: i do.

my Disillusioned Heart: next you'll be telling me you love this whacked relationship you're in; "The Serious Relationship That's Not."

me: *sigh* i do.

my Disillusioned Heart: *accusing glare* you said you loved him last night.

me: *whispered* i know.

my Disillusioned Heart: *narrows skeptical eyes* what are you gonna do about it?

me: nothing i haven't already done.

my Disillusioned Heart: good.

me: not for the reasons you think, though. quite simply, you're not ready yet. and i've let go of that dream.

my Disillusioned Heart: i'm not going to convince you i'm right, am i?

me: no, my heart. it is i who will convince you.

mirror mirror

work has been fan-funky-tastic. bloody orgasmic. a great big mushroom cloud in my confidence...and my checking account.

i've gotten in the groove of filling my appointment book, and judging how much extra work i can take on in any given day. the net result has been upping my average by two dogs a day, and bumping my weekly sales well over a grand. considering your average dog groom costs about forty dollars, that's a lot of dogs. i love my work...

yesterday, by purest funky chance, i happened to check my cell phone. i usually don't anymore, since *m* and i really don't talk, and he was the reason i kept my phone on during work hours. but i was looking up *ds*'s number to apologize for going off radar for so many days --as we have the gym regimen together-- and found a text from *m*: "is there an ER in [our city]?"

oh crap.

so i call him, and there's no answer.

double crap.

i call again, and get him. thank the Funk. i ask what's wrong. he's in pain. crippling pain, left kidney. he's gasping on the phone.

shit.

i tell him to call my sister, as she might be home. call me back at work if she doesn't answer. a phone call comes in; it's a customer wanting to make an appointment. fine. phone call. it's *m*. *cc*'s not answering.

shit, shit.

fine. lemme work something out. i wait for the manager lady to get back in the salon, tell her what's going on. *m*'s got something serious, needs to go to the ER, there's no one else to drive him but me. she tells me to go. i call *m*: "i'm on my way, hold tight, 'kay?"

to make a very long afternoon short, it was kidney stones and i've never seen *m* in that state before. he was in the sort of pain in which no position is comfortable and stillness is agony, to move is torture but the body writhes and fidgets and rocks itself back and forth because it is pushed so far beyond its ability to process or endure that level of pain.

i know it well.

my heart knows it even better.

...this story is not about *m*.

you would think, knowing my big and stupidvulnerable heart and what a sucker it is for people in need, that i would have dropped work, dropped everything and been by his side through thick and thin. as greggo can attest, i've never been very good about allotting my inner resources. i just give it all away on anyone i remotely care about.

but it's been eating at me since yesterday: the only thought through my head was that i was more irritated that i'd be missing out on work and the opportunity to fatten my paycheck with my rockin' grooming. i was counting every dollar that i missed out on (103$ in sales), and whatever missed opportunities came in the form of walk-ins or call-in last-minute appointments. and when *m* was sitting in the hospital bed, rocking back and forth and crying from the pain, i wanted to sit with my book and read. if i was going to miss work, at least i could finish the book i was reading. but i thought, "if i was in his shoes, i would want a little human compassion." i actually had to think about it. things like that are instinctive, reflexive with me. i had to think about holding his hand, consider if i actually wanted to do it, and then make myself do it.

all the while, it was in my head what an inconvenience this all was.

all i could see was the man who had shoved my heart into a food processor and hit "pulp." all i could see was the stranger wearing my dead beloved's face, this stranger who makes it so fucking uncomfortable to be home to the point where i'm gone mostly five nights out of seven every week just so i don't have to be around it. all i could see was someone i don't trust, who had already cost me so much money, time, and heartache as it was.

to make matters even more complicated...

last night i was with *sy*. now, a few things about *sy* as i see them: because of this whole stupid complication with *m*, and my ambivalent, conflicting feelings regarding him, i'd been letting myself be with *sy* but not letting myself get too involved or attached. my heart was a bloody pulp, and love is gone. there is only Now, and no attachment or commitment to a future.

it is long, long gone;
career, love, marriage, children.
a foolish dream, dead.

but while i was still reeling in confusion over my reaction to *m*'s emergency, in its wake came a new eagerness and anticipation to see *sy*, and a happiness on the verge of excitement when i saw his face. i wore the purple number beneath my jeans and t-shirt, gave him such a thrill when he saw it, and i had fun doing it. i'd bought it to try and entice big *c*'s attention after things fell apart, but instead of waving it around in desperate appeal i wore it for simple surprise and enjoyment, and what a difference! not to mention, because i wasn't letting myself care too deeply, i've been able to be myself in bed and not care. i've been demanding and creative, even getting up and leaving in the middle of the night the one time he wasn't attentive to my needs.

that's not really like me. usually i bend over backward and take the disregard like a doormat. the whole boundary issue, and being too, foolhardily generous with my inner resources. not with *sy*, and i daresay that's probably what my problem has been with men treating me well in the beginning and then like shit at the end. i think i conditioned them to do it, with my too-stupidgenerous giving of everything i had. right principles, wrong execution.

but last night i was still that way, still comfortable and unself-conscious. i asked for it "soft," and it took him a minute to understand what i meant. "oh!' he said, laughing. "you mean the touching and soft kissing, slow and gentle everything, right?"

"yeah. i think i want that," i said.

"you mean makin' love. that's what you want."

my smile froze on my face. the realization hit me like thunder and dread and i felt it slam into my chest and spread upwards and outwards until my toes, fingers, and scalp fairly tingled with that ball of mixed emotions. but he was absolutely right. i wanted him to make love to me.

and he did. we did.

i woke up this morning sated and soft, not just in my body but in my heart. he couldn't stop bringing up how his touch made my body sing, and his fingertips coaxed the words, "i think i love you" from my lips. i vaguely remember something like that, but i was out of my head at the time.

but i think yesterday, dealing with *m*'s emergency, those are usually the time for realizations of what's truly important. you could be at absolute, merciless odds with someone, but in a medical emergency or life-threatening situation, all the bullshit gets swept aside and those things that are truly important finally get to shine. well, the bullshit was swept away, and there was no love to be found.

there was only me.

in the place where i thought a torch was still at least smouldering for *m*, i found only cold darkness and, at the same time, that realization gave me the freedom to give *sy* the warmth i'd been holding back from him. it might not be love --it's too soon for it to be love-- and it probably will never be. love is dead, remember? but the caring, affection, and warmth i think i was holding back in hopes to give it to *m* is now free to go where it will.

i don't want to say it's a happy ending, because i don't feel it is. it's a tragic ending for the saga of delena and *m*, for whom love was slaughtered in slow degrees by neglect and self-absorption, and encouraged to die by my misguided attempts to be purely unselfish. i swear by the Funk, i did not see what i was doing. i thought i was being loving, selfless, and may the Jiggy Snake lash me with its mighty, cosmic big bang tail if i'm lying.

on the other hand, it means i'm free of this oppressive heartache for once and all, and it's no secret the vehement revulsion i hold for all cages. because of it, last night held magic. it's small, the step he and i took, but i can feel the difference it made for the two of us. and my heart...i think it's slightly less pulpy.