notes from the universe

GRATITUDE [grat.i.tude]: Big time buzzword during spiritual awakening phase of planetary evolution, yet often misunderstood.

When you think thoughts of "thanks," Delena, it's exactly the same as thinking thoughts of having received. And, as is true of all thoughts on the plane of manifestation, they must immediately strive to manifest into your time-space life.

Yet, the only way there can be a manifestation of such thoughts is if you do actually physically receive. And the only way you can actually physically receive is if all of the players and circumstances of your life are literally shifted around and manipulated, without you or them even knowing what's going on, so that you will be predisposed to the right ideas, hunches, connections, and introductions that will deliver you smack into the middle of such manifestations.

And it's all perfectly legal,
The Universe

what's really funny is that i've been thinking along these lines for the last few weeks. and not even really in my own life, but a friend's. sometimes i get egotistical and think that --in some way-- all that i've gone through, the work and pain and growth, has been so that i could be the right person in the right place at the right time to help him go, "hey, yeah!"

then i get over myself and realize that, even more importantly, events and people and things were moving around so that i was the right person in the right place at the right time...to receive yet more instruction and an opportunity for growth.

and like everything else in my life, i've been peeling away the outer layers of some things and refining my wants. like those things that have anything to do with careerlovemarriagechildren. it was always a want. thank the gods it's not a Need. i'm headed into the Decade of Bombastic Dee-liciousness and i'm catching this glimpse of just how wonderful i'm going to be.

i. me. solamente yo, ya 'ueno. just me. y'know, the original definition of "virgin" was a woman who was complete unto herself. understood in such a light, virgins were held to be sacred, a walking, talking, living, breathing holy thing. i suppose you could say i've never truly been virgin. twenty-one years since the Baseball Bat Incident...and it's about time i gently took back that part of myself. i'm fine by myself, as myself, and i don't Need anybody.

it's so liberating.

i can Be Myself, the whole whoppalicious, fan-Funky-tastic unfettered me. i'm done with people who say i'm too big for them, too much to handle. you'll never again see me in the company of anyone who squishes me. hell, i don't even wear jeans that make me have to suck it in. and dude, i can feel it: more rapidly every day, the old, outer layers are just peeling away. everything up until this point has just been practice. and you know what they say about practice and perfection.

and i think...what if events have been moving around me, people have been dancing beside me, so that other events which have been years in the making can finally come to pass? it fills me with a quivering eagerness that has me all but bursting with anticipation. i can't wait for tomorrow. i can't wait for next week, next month, next year... and time travel is preposterous only because of this:

we are right now living the events that are setting the stage for the future! so...in essence...today we are predicting our own futures! that's so farking COOL! we're the most kickass prognosticators...with all the power of space and time flowing through us with each breath we take. because each breath takes us forward, each action forms consequences which flow through us and through time...and will return to us in the form of "manifestation," as the Universe calls it.

it's so abso-fraggin'-lutely, mind-blowingly awesome. i positively quiver in eager anticipation. it's like wondering what surprises i have in store for myself. all i know is that all my previous work is manifesting as the Real Thing now.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The planet Saturn symbolizes the preservative and conservative tendencies of evolution. It teaches us to learn from the past and keeps us from rushing into the frontier before we're ready. Uranus, on the other hand, represents future shocks, both the disturbing and benevolent kinds. It disturbs our sleep in order to wake us up and energizes us to reinvent ourselves on the fly. What happens when these two planets slip into an intimate dynamic, as they are now? Will one of them prevail over the other in a great battle? Or will they coordinate their efforts artfully in a riveting, gorgeous dance? Amazingly enough, the outcome depends in part on you.

i remember my bio-dad telling me about a fight he was in once, a long, long time ago. he said that time sort of slowed down and he could think so clearly, see every swing coming like it was in slow-motion. he had enough time to see exactly how his opponent was going to move, where those fists would fly, and how to catch and counter every blow. he won that fight.

last winter, one very early, very icy morning, the Funkmobile and i almost went over the edge of an on-ramp on my way to the salon. there was so much ice that, even going as slow as i was, when i touched the brake, the Funkmobile went into a glide across the intersection. time slowed to a crawl. in the time it took to slide fifteen feet, i thought, "wow. so this is how i go, huh? i'd always wondered... hmm, when losing control of a car, turn into the slide. slip the car into neutral. foot off the brake, dee. wow, that edge is coming up close. thank the gods i have no regrets; i just hope someone finds me and can tell my family. thank goddess there's no other traffic this early, i'd hate to cause a collision with someone else. jeez, we're still sliding?" and just like that, the Funkmobile glided to a stop not two feet from the edge. i was so calm. i put the car back into gear, and got onto the freeway so i wouldn't be late for work.

some time after that, my dad saw this documentary on cable about the human brain, and some of the funkywild things it can do. in life-or-death situations, the brain kicks into uber hyperdrive. it actually shuts down any other function that's not absolutely vital to its survival: everything from your digestive system to any or all of your five senses can be shut completely down. even your breathing is slowed to a minimum, and all resources are diverted up to the brain so it can survive as long as possible, and operate as fast as possible so it can figure out a way to survive. that's why time seems to slow to a crawl: thought processes are sped up to unimaginable degrees. even the fight-or-flight panic reaction is turned off. the brain needs to think.

it's kind of like being in "the zone," to the nth power.

i think saturn + uranus is going to create an effect similar: with one force reminding me of everything i've learned and everything that has gone before, and another force is the shock force (both benevolent and disturbing) that hurtles us into hyperdrive, what can the effect be except time slowing to a crawl as my soul vaults into The Zone?

business is going to pick up. the Year of the Delena draws to a close, and the 22 Years of World Orgasm is just beginning...starting with the Year of the Funktastic Wow.

there are some gigantic hurdles to clear, too. lots of inertia to overcome, objects at rest requiring massive amounts of energy to turn into objects in motion; and some objects in motion that need to be turned into objects at rest. some...objects at eternal rest, so mote it be.

i'm going to need the power of being in The Zone, my sight so clear thanks to my hyperdrive soul watching time crawl by. i know things i didn't used to know, and i've grown in ways that have let me feel the sunlight on my face. i shine as a beacon for others, in my heart and my growing love. it's almost like throwing yourself off a cliff...and realizing you've known how to fly all along.


women who run with the wolves

when i was eighteen, i met a very handsome carib with gorgeous dreadlocks and a flashing smile. he told me, in his deep and lilting voice, i needed to read women who run with the wolves. i was 21 before i took his advice.

i couldn't get beyond page 40. i kept hurling the book across the room, walking away and "forgetting" i was reading it. i eventually loaned it to someone and never asked for it back. it hit too close to home and i wasn't ready for what lay within.

eventually i bought another copy. however, it was years before i could sit down and clear it cover to cover. i could've let it sit on my bookshelf with a bookmark between pages 39 and 40 for all i got it.

in between contemplating the dichotomies what govern our lives, i've been re-reading the book. some things make much more sense after you've already mapped the terrain, don't you think? i found it more encouraging and validating than anything. she talks about the hidden nature of Wild Woman, about healing the deep psychic scars left by a woman's culture, family, and her own mind.

i once told someone that since the last of my mentors had shunned me, it was a signal that it was time to be my own master. and, as my own master, i felt it was time to go down into the darkness and see what i found there. i spoke from a visceral, uterine longing to plunge my arms into moist black soil up to my elbows; a desire to be mute, to tape my eyes shut, to rub ashes in my hair and lie down with their salty, smoky taste on my tongue. i wanted to wander in the black, like diogenes with my own lamp, only instead of an honest man, i wanted to find my inner demons, hold my lamp up close to their faces, and feel the pustules on their skin, smell the necrosis, listen to the scrape of their claws and tentacles against the walls and floor of their dwellings. it was a longing i felt deep in my womb. i knew it was what i had to do.

he told me i'd be following the path of Vader and was making a big mistake. not to mention my gross arrogance in claiming to know what was best for myself. jeez, how could i be so stupid?

the thing is...he would have been absolutely correct...if i'd been a man. but while he might be well-versed in men's mysteries and the hero's journey, he knew nothing of the heroine's journey or the existence of la loba, Wolf Woman. it's not his fault, the poor dear. women's mysteries are the domain of women.


and as my journey has shown, i was right on the money. i'm ascending from the underworld and returning with wonders. such wisdom as "love thine enemies" now makes absolute sense and i wonder that i couldn't see it before.

this particular cycle of my journey ends with love. fitting, since it began with love.

like the ugly duckling, i was punished for being what i was --female, and a child-- by my bio-father, and at best ignored, at worst spurned and guilt-tripped and manipulated by my bio-mother. i'm over it. really.

what i sat for a day marvelling at was that all i needed to trigger my healing journey was parental love: the very thing that made such a journey necessary in the first place. however, i wouldn't trade my dysfunctional, abused first two decades for anything. it's because of my travails and ugly duckling life of searching, longing, and despair that i am as strong and resilient as i am. as a former homeless person appreciates every day under a solid roof in a way no one else can, i appreciate the value of my solid intuition, courage, honesty, Funk, and love.

when my adopted parents sat in their living room and gave me a parent's unconditional and unequivocal love, it was as if i were a locked chest and their love the key. they unlocked the chest and flocks and flocks of doves, eagles, and wild swans burst forth to fill the skies.

i'm coming up in rebirth. this new stage in my life is crowning. new year's is thirteen days away -- a lucky number. my third decade on this earth draws to a close (kinda scary...beginning decade no. 4), and no matter how many times i've tried here, i can't seem to capture in words how this particular upcoming mile marker is affecting me. i end up with these rambling, esoteric entries reflecting my train of thought...but that's all it is: my thoughts.

i fail yet again to convey --as i always intend to begin writing-- how this is affecting me emotionally. i... can't... wait... to be thirty. i look forward with so much hope and excitement. i feel ready --finally!-- to start actually living. all the pieces are finally here. my power is in my hands and heart. i know what i want, and i know how to speak. the wonderous gifts i brought back from my time with the Death Goddess are in my sure possession. i have Her blessing.

it's like... i'm ready for life, for adulthood, for whatever may come. i've never been able to say that before.

may the Funk be with you. i love you more than i love you.

3-ring blogging

i had my brain at my parents while there, since i had no access to the internet (not really). but i know i've mentioned that, wherever i go, i always have a brain in my purse should i want to write something down. i wrote this yesterday:

i don't know if this is even interesting or just morbid, or simply an example that yes, i am getting older... but i sat down and thought and dreamt of good and evil, love and hate, life and death a lot these last couple of weeks. with the nights growing colder, and the sun dying beneath the horizon earlier and earlier, it's easy to simply stay inside where it's bright and warm. yet now is when i find myself drawn outside to gaze up at the beauteous glory of the harvest moon and sigh in rapture at the frosty glow she casts at midnight.

i've never seen such a bright, knowing moon...

october sails by, eerily silent as a ghost ship in thick fog, and halloween approaches. with it comes the witches' New Year. less and less do i see the commercial trappings of merchants capitalizing on our sacred holiday, and each year i feel more deeply the undertow of the sacred and mysterious Life, Death, and Rebirth cycle.

i have felt this so keenly as of late, within my own body and spirit as well as all around me. yesterday i began bleeding, right after the height of the full moon was past. this, too, is fitting, i think. it began as i slept --apt, don't you think, metaphorically?-- and while a force inside the deepest part of me died, its death throes triggered the release of a new force just beginning its own journey. life begets death begets life. perfect and beautiful balance.

a few days ago i dreamt of a conversation between Good and Evil. it was quite the discussion, taking place at the beginning of time. all of the other archetypical forces had been spoken for, all the fun ones like war and peace, wine and beer, wisdom, blacksmithing, debauchery. and then, regarding one another with a heavy sense of responsibility, they stood up as one and said, "okay, we'll take Good and Evil," knowing it would pit one against the other until Doomsday.

Good was just as grave a decision as who would take Evil, knowing balance must always be maintained. "well," said Good, "i know you only do your duty, so i will hold nothing against you at the End. but from now until the End of Time, i and my agents will fight you with all at our disposal."

Evil gave a gracious bow. "and so will i you, old friend. i would have it no other way."

thus was born another pair: Friend, and Enemy.

and then Evil regarded Good and said thoughtfully, "i suppose if you will have your agents, i must have mine. where you will have Buddha and Lincoln, Jesus and Ghandi and Lennon, i must have my Hitler and Manson, my Inquisition. i will grant you have Harriet Tubman, the Magdelene, the Make a Wish Foundation. but i will have the Duchess Elizabeth Bathory, Lee Harvey Oswald, Enron, and Starbuck's." Evil waved a hand lazily. "you can save the whales, but i'll destroy the ozone. you get green energy, but i definitely get the alien invasion down the line. after all, there must always be maintained a balance."

"very well," said Good. "but do not forget the little things, as well. you may have your murderers and pedophiles, rapists and abusers of women, children, and animals. you may even have your politicians, oil moguls, and schoolyard bullies. but oh! i shall have policemen, and firemen, and trainers of search-and-rescue dogs. i will have healers for every type of physical and psychological ailment your agents create. i'll have stay-at-home moms and heroic single parents. i'll have good samaritans and Humane Society volunteers. i'll have artists of every breed, and common people spontaneously creating iVillages and eCommunities to band together and bond together in support and Hope."

Evil narrowed eyes in thought, regarding Good for a long while before laughing. "impressive."

Good grinned back. "i know."

they shook hands as friends, parted as enemies, and we have lived under their dichotomy ever since. the great irony is that, in the end, whoever wins is a moot point. it won't matter because the balance will have been maintained. it's not whether Good or Evil triumphs in the world or out in the wide universe. it only matters what wins out in ourselves.

love and hate? while by no means simple, my dance with them was brief and easy once i was honest with myself regarding my true nature. i love my bio-mom, but my silence is my answer: for what she's done, and the truth she revealed, there is no room for her in my life. for *k*, it's no different than the million other women out there giving birth, all of them strangers with no bearing on my life. for my family, mine was the story of the ugly duckling, finding others with my funky-beautiful plumage in the springtime of my life.

i don't know that my bio-family would ever understand. but my soul high-tailed it up to oregon and is happily munching on spiritual milk and cookies in someone else's kitchen.

we go where feeds the soul. we go where the song will sing flesh back onto our bones, where the well of emotion will slake our great thirst for purpose, fulfillment, and belonging. we go where we are loved, and it is in the loving we learn the steps of the deeper dance of Life, Death, and Rebirth. to make love is to dance the dance. to truly live is to dance.

find where you are truly alive, and you will find friendship, kinship, and the lover's intimate knowledge of Life and Death and Rebirth, of Good and Evil, of Love and Hate and Indifference.

only, remember: the greatest of these is Love.

may the Funk be with you.


when i get all steamed up...

...now, i won't shout, but i'm definitely in that "seeing red" stage. between what i PRAY is a misunderstanding, two stupid dogs, and no decent sleep since tuesday, (not to mention a complete rape of my personal routine --which i LOVE) i'm seeing all sorts of lovely shades of red.

i think this, more than anything, cements that while i love dogs, after kuma i don't think i will ever, ever have a dog in my life. ever. and it's not a, "oh, delena, you're just a cat person." i HATE that response. i love dogs. i love everything about dogs. i miss freckles, my childhood dog. she was my best friend. but after living with kuma the wunderhund, and after so long working with dogs day in and day out, i can honestly say that i have no tolerance for a stupid, poorly trained dog. unfortunately, that's what many dogs i see are. after only a few days with two dogs who can do tricks for treats but are not trained (no matter what my mom says), it's very clear i have no tolerance for pretty much anything other than another kuma. and he was one of a kind.

i can't WAIT until mom and dad get home and i can come home. and sleep. and not be around dogs. and sleep. and have my routine back. and sleep. and not be bored. and sleep. and not be isolated (no phone signal, no internet, town is 20 mins away). and sleep.



there's been so much going on lately. so much. eventually i'll get around to writing about it all. i don't want to sound like i'm bitching here, because i'm not. it's just been overwhelming in delena land, is all. and i think sometimes i'm guilty of thinking i'm wonder woman and can do anything without stopping, without building up some sort of endurance.

i do it all...and my body rebels. and i've just been tired. just...tired.

but i think things are finally getting back on track, and while i'm still tired all the time, i don't feel like my brain is fried. i was spending a lot of time on WoW while my fried brain recovered from september and the money sink.

and oh goddess, what a money sink...

the next couple of weeks i'm house and pet-sitting for my parents while they vacation in scotland. they were so excited about it; it was kinda cute to watch. so while they're off gallavanting in the highlands, i'll be watching two dogs and five cats. it'll be peaceful, though.

and aside from a whole lotta chaos, things have been pretty good, too. lots of things to think about, though. apparently yesterday (two days ago?) i became an aunt. my oldest bio-sister finally had that baby her biological clock's been kicking her to have for years. and while i'm getting text messages, pics, and phone calls regarding it...it's the older bio-sister i haven't seen nor spoken to in five years and never really plan to see nor speak to again. yet the members of my bio-family that i do still speak to think i actually care. which i don't. a perfect stranger had a baby two days ago, and suddenly --because her uterus works-- i'm supposed to just say, "hey, all's forgiven, why not come back into my life with all your baggage and self-righteous drama!"

like hell. my life is fantastic, and fantasmically drama-free. i've worked hard to make it so. and in my quest to become my own Funky groovemate, i've found in my own realm of Funktastic bootyliciousness that the standards for my groovemates has risen, as well. only those who pass the test, who love, protect, treasure, and adore me are allowed within the walls of Delena's Land of Funkalicious Wonder and Funktastic Bliss.

BYOF. Bring Your Own Funk. drama not allowed. self-righteousness not allowed. hypocrisy not allowed. dishonesty, disloyalty, and self-centeredness not allowed.

Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love...welcome.

unfortunately, while love conquers all and has compassion as its cornerstone, love is not foolish enough to allow just anyone to trample through its sacred gardens. some things just cannot exist in the presence of love, and if a person has those things toward me...obviously there is no love for me. and so, while i can let go whatever heinousness they committed against me, it doesn't mean i need to allow them anywhere near me again.

i'd been delaying Project: Bio-Mom for this very reason, as well. i've been avoiding having to admit that i'm perfectly happy without her in my life at all, ever. as well as *k*, my oldest bio-sister. i love you, ladies, but your own self-righteousness and hypocrisy give you no room in my bohippian empire of Funk, disco, and rainbow sherbet punch.

my Funk is right here. if you love me, you'll know where to find me.