CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Norepinephrine is a hormone that can make you feel good even when it's generated by stress. According to a study by the Positive Health Center in London, successful women produce that hormone in abundance. I have no medical research, just astrological guesswork, to back up my claim that you Capricorns will have a special relationship with norepinephrine in the coming weeks. As a result, high- pressure situations that might have sapped your energy or frayed your nerves in the past may actually energize you. You could find yourself having a blast as you push harder to foster excellence.

i thought about this one, and i actually have to agree with him in retrospect. at first i didn't, and i couldn't see how this week's reading could actually apply to me, but i must agree...i've gotten a new personal relationship with naturally-produced norepinephrine.

i've done a lot this month, i really have. and i've spent even more. sometimes my breath catches when i realize just how much i've spent, and that it's my neck on the line for over ten thousand dollars. but...

and here's the kicker...

...it doesn't stress or freak me out the way you'd think it would. it gets me, and my breath catches. i apparently get a look on my face, or fall silent, because either *ds* or *ks* inevitably comes to me and asks if everything's all right. i tell them. there's their hand on my shoulder, and i remember to breathe.

and then i remember why i did it in the first place, and i remember that i'm going to be so wildly successful ima freakin' pwn the entrepreneurial world.

and i'm still single --haven't committed to anything except my family and my business-- but when he comes, it'll be fantasmically wonderlicious. sometimes i wonder if i've met him already. sometimes i wonder when i will. and sometimes i wonder why the hell i'm even wondering.

because when it all gets boiled down, my family is happy and thriving and that's all that matters. and these things that normally would have seen me set my hair on fire already?

...meh. i've seen worse, and i'm still here. it's all cake and pie, baby.

may the Funk be with you.


let it be

talk about speaking words of wisdom. it was rather cute, honestly...

*backing up...*

so this month has been monstrously busy, but i think it's finally slowing down. i'm actually going on a date tonight! i know. whoa. there was the business trip that ike ate, the camping trip with mom and dad, my sister *rc*'s wedding (altho i suppose she's *re* now???), my kitty-poo's trip to the vet, the Funkmobile's trip to the vet, more trips to the vet for all four kitties yesterday (we had a massive flea attack, so everyone got boarded and we bombed. i was running out of the apartment yelling, "charlieeeee! incomiiiiiing!"), running around to target for a toaster (effing YAYNESS!) and office depot for a file cabinet and a really irresistable brown-and-pink-trim bag that i got for TWO BUCKS...and there was supposed to be a vegas trip for another seminar, but i cancelled that one. i'm kinda tired, and i haven't seen *c* since before the business trip that ike ate.

today i'm having lunch with my insurance agent (she's so rockin' cool), and tomorrow i'm headed over to *cc* and *mj*'s to kitty sit while they're in tennessee subjecting *cc* to her in-laws (my prayers go with you, my sister). next month, i get to do the same thing for mom and dad for three weeks (???) while they take a trip to scotland.

i woke up kinda early, so i thought i'd hop on WoW and just do things like check mail and level up my professions, and chat to people in my guild and ally channels. it's as pleasant as morning coffee. my phone rings and i think, "good thing i didn't decide to go back to sleep."

it was my bio-dad just calling to say hello since we hadn't talked in a while. i felt so bad, i told him, because things have been so busy and expensive, and i haven't even thought about calling people. i haven't even been sending out my, "*HUGS!* okay, i heart u!" text messages lately, i've been so spread thin. so we talked a bit, and he was all, "so...you're turning thirty in a few months, aren't you?" i said yeah, and he whistled through his teeth.

"i keep telling people that i'm just turning thirty, flirty, and fabulous," i said. to be honest, facing my thirties doesn't intimidate or depress me. kinda the opposite. it's like, okay, my twenties are over. now i can be serious and have people take me seriously. i'm kinda looking forward to my thirties, looking forward to what's in store for me. wonderful things happen in that era.

and my dad kinda gave me this new outlook. he said that every decade is like a different lifetime that you really --in retrospect-- gotta take as itself. and he told me he finally learned not to live for anything else, but to just do what he likes and what makes him happy.

i love hearing that. and it also makes me feel like i kinda got a head start in that department.

it was a really nice morning conversation, just my ol' dad imparting wisdom to a growing daughter. my 29th birthday wasn't nearly so special as i think this one will be. kinda looking forward to being thirty, flirty, and fabulous. and i kinda like being on the receiving end of my bio-dad's caring wisdom. it's such a far cry from where we were ten years ago today, that's for sure.

ah, how we've all grown, eh?


O.O !!!


she's so quiet, and she rides so smoothly! the repair bill came out to even less for the Funkmobile than i'd anticipated, so that's a good thing.

and i could swear that it's a whole different car now.

oh Funkmobile, i love you.

ah, wheels...

so i went to the dealership yesterday thinking that all i was gonna do was repair my rear CV boot (passenger side) on the Funkmobile. of course, as they looked at my darling car, apparently there was rubber on my axles that needed replacing soon.

"great," i said. "just do it, my blessing, call me when it's done. keep the car overnight if you have to." this was after two hours of lunching at red robin (yay, burgers!), and by that time it was 16:45, so i figured why not? get it done.

so i got a shuttle home.

then i was thinking about that hole in the Funkmobile's muffler... decided to call the dealership back up and see how much it would cost. everything together would still be under a grand, so i gave them my blessing.

hence, i have been without Funkmobile since then, and will be without it for another day.

le sigh.

but when i get her back? oh yeah, me 'n the Funkmobile are gonna rock. a thousand bucks poorer, but we'll rock the casbah baby, oh yeah.


sacred life sunday: prettiness is in the eye...

proof that i can actually a.) sit still for a camera, b.) smile, and c.) look pretty (with lots and lots of makeup and hair attention).

this is me in the hotel yesterday after the hair and makeup, but before the dress. there are tons more pics of me as a bridesmaid stuffed into the red thing, but aside from the professional photos, there's only one pic in the slew where i'm actually just smiling and behaving. everything else is just proof that, if a camera's pointed at me, i ain't gonna take it seriously.

but i whipped out my phone and took this one because i wanted proof that yes, even delena can be pretty sometimes.


continental breakfast

the embassy suites downtown has an awesome continental breakfast, btw.



so remember that wedding i was gonna be in? yeah, it's later today. i'm actually posting this from *rc*'s laptop here in the hotel room. we had an adventurous day with the wedding rehearsal (which i missed, lol) and mom absconding with all our stuff for hours on end.


but now we're here, with the majority of a huge bottle of barefoot moscato gone. we jumped on the bed, had security called on us, played with mud masks (yay, mud!), and now we're doing relay showers.

i made *rc* play "choose the shoes" because i had such a helluva time trying to find something to go with the strapless, 3/4 length red thing she's having me wear. the 3/4 length is enough to make me look about as shapely as a refrigerator box. white shoes looked like hell (and it's after labor day), and anything red and strappy made my feet look like i had tried to shoehorn pork sausages into strappy red teacups.

so i tossed five pairs in, including a new curvy suede pair i'd just bought, and told her, "choose the shoes, chica."

...she chose my favorite "fuck me heels."

not that i intend to get laid at the reception or anything. in fact, right after the service and pics are done, i'm running around barefoot. but still. i was quite happy.

it'll be good. and it'll be a beautiful day, and my sister's so happy and excited. we're having a hair/makeup person come to make us all prettiful.

just thought i'd mention.


i would say, "it's about frackin' time..."

...but that wouldn't be very dignified or At Peace of me, would it?

screw it.

it's about frackin' time! i got my business loan today, finally. the lady was nice, except for about a half hour when she wouldn't stop pushing me and i very nearly bit her head off. i was feeling quite munchy at the time, too, and almost laid it out for her.

luckily, i didn't have to.

so i have my business loan. now comes the advertising campaign of doom.

also, first thing i did with that loan money was take my rumbly-bumbly to the vet. ever since i brought him home, he's been a sniffly li'l kid. the sniffles, sneezing (sometimes over two dozen sneezes in a row, and yes, i've counted), wheezy and raspy breathing, swollen and runny eyes...he's been a mess. i thought it was a cold or allergies, so i took him to the vet and had his shots taken care of, and got him tested for feline leukemia.

thank the goddess it wasn't that!

then the money ran out, and i was giving him reiki and putting airborne in the kitty fountain until i could do something. finally, this loan.

it's not allergies, which i was convinced it was considering the flare-ups. the vet said it was herpes simplex, and most kitties are exposed and are carriers. my poor baby is just one of the lucky ones to manifest symptoms. he'll always have it, but now i have meds and a plan of action to manage this and keep him comfortable. and if it gets bad to the point where i just can't stand how uncomfortable he is (which won't be difficult to do, since i really am a fussy mother on the inside) i can pop on in and have them give him a cortisone shot.

thank the gods i have answers. i hate not knowing what's going on, and watching him suffer.

all this means now is that rumblestrut's going to be the kid with the chronic health problem that gets totally fussed over and lavished upon because of it.

i have No Problem with this.

he's my darling rumbly-bumbly, my strapping, nearly-thirteen-pound bruiser who's as graceful as a drunk elephant. oh, my kitty-poo, i love you.

speaking of...

The wiser the soul, Delena, the greater the simplicity.

In everything,
The Universe

what was i saying in my last post?



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I would love to place an elegant gold crown on your head. I have the urge to declare you monarch of the expanding realm, maker of new laws, and reshaper of the collective vision. Are you up for wielding that much power? Can you handle an increased level of responsibilities? Or would you prefer to preside over a smaller domain, content merely to keep the daily grind from erupting into chaos now and then? It's mostly up to you. What do you want?

what do I want?

(well, aside from preferring silver, or white gold to actual gold...)

i have been monarch of my new and expanding realm. i am queen mother, high priestess, and supreme goddess of delena land.

something's been happening during this chaos-and-rebuild. something in me's been going through and finding all those things that seem reasonable but severely don't work for me, and has simply been upending and totally demolishing them. in ripping out all that facing, underneath i've been finding the most beautiful and luminescent peace and simplicity.

my new laws are natural laws, not ones i or anyone else has written, but just laws that are: serenity, simplicity, love.

and as i get higher above the chaos, i find not more laws, but fewer. i find not more responsibilities, but fewer.

i've learned to be quiet with myself. i've learned what the monks and swamis call "Be Here Now." now is all there is. on my blog i might say much, only because unless it's experienced, this experience cannot really be described...but i try to anyway. in person? i find i'm talking less and less, being quieter and more still. this isn't a state or emotion to encounter and meet with excitement, but one to sit with and be still with. time loses meaning here.

this is my domain, and this is my headdress. this is my medicine stick.

it simply Is.


if you are what you eat, then i'm open late...

taste better with fire sauce...

and can be upgraded to an extra large for ten cents more.

taco hell, i curse you. i swear, you put crack in your burritos.


i waaaaaant it!



reading blog entries posted by members of my lovely iVillage (because yes, i'm still reading) i came across a post by sacred suzie about the shifting energies as fall moves in with such panache and not a little nonchalance.

well, it's better than last year, when fall showed no sign of remembering she was supposed to show up, when all of a sudden she pounded down the door and plopped down all her luggage like a legion of obnoxious in-laws on the doorstep unannounced.

as my inner chaos fades, i'm starting to discover what it is that's different. i'm not quite as uptight about some things --like the state of the apartment-- because i finally decided most of my uptight, perfectionist bio-mother's teachings were crap and have no room in the Funkywild; i also think i'm a little more easygoing. yes, i can have fun and no, delena doesn't have to be productive 100% of her waking life. i'm worthwhile whether or not i'm being productive. contributing to my silverfox family in those ways in which i can contribute are always met with enthusiasm and appreciation.

it is enough. the sun will rise, water is wet, and things will work out in exactly the way that's right for me.

another way i'm feeling the shift is that i just emerged from the chaos a little quieter. i don't know if i'm going into hibernation in some fashion, or if something else has changed on a more fundamental level. but unless it's *ds* or *ks* i'm talking to, i don't feel like talking. i faithfully read blog entries everywhere, but i don't feel like commenting. people call me, and even when it's my li'l sister *t* sometimes i have to force myself to answer it. it's not that i'm being anti-social, it's just...i really just don't have anything to say. about anything. up here *taps a finger to her temple* there's no words going on. none.

if the rear struts of the Funkmobile were operational, i'd say it was high time for another silent retreat to the coast.

instead, i feel like writing all the time. writing blog entries, writing stories, writing haiku, brainstorming the heartbreaking work of staggering genius...just writing. but i'm not living in my head like during other silent-yet-write-y phases.

it's more like...like...

oh gods, what is this like??

*tries to think of an analogy*

it's like...aw hell, i dunno. i'm just here, right now. there's no way i can think of to describe this quietness in my mind and emotions. the cat fountain is bubbling (they like aerated water), the fish tanks are humming, my chair is creaking. my sinuses are kinda swollen (thanks, allergies), there's the faint smell of cedar from the flea spray lingering in the carpet, and i can still kinda taste that coconut popsicle i had about an hour ago. i want a shower, and my feet are cold. in this moment, that's what's going on, and that's all that really matters. no meaning attached to it because it doesn't need any. no emotions, really, because it just IS.

in this moment, there's nothing really to talk about. life is happening out there, and that's nice. no need to comment on it. i'm just... calm... and content... and, well, i'm just here. now.

just here.


i like ike

so my flight was cancelled, i couldn't get anything out to florida any sooner than 18:00 EST, which would have left me out of an entire day of seminar educational goodness.

hurricanes rock.

i haven't slept all night, and the night before was kinda bad sleep, too. so ima go to bed.

when my refunds clear my account, i'm taking my rumblestrutskin to the vet, dammit.

peace, yo.

PS. on a completely random note, did you know it takes EXACTLY two hours to go from sitting inside my car in my parking spot at home, to the airport long-term parking lot, to the shuttle, to the terminal, to the disappointed-yet-kinda-happy shock that my flight was cancelled, back through the terminal, to the shuttle, to long-term parking, and back to my car? and when i mean exactly, i mean to the minute.


this week in a post

shortly after noon today, i will be in the air headed to ft. lauderdale for a two-day business and online marketing conference.

lemme tell you, the planning and monetary demands of this trip have been monumentally craptastic. we're talking "delena wants to set her hair on fire" caliber.

*ks* said, "well, if you think about it, the planning and the events leading up to this have been a disaster...but it's the being there that you wanted. so forget about all this crap, and just enjoy being there." y'know, he had a point. "you're going to go there and enjoy the beach," he went on, "and you're going to learn some fantastic things about marketing that you can then bring home and implement. so enjoy it."

i think i'll try me a bit of that. i've brought *ds*'s laptop with me (to her everlasting benevolence, i will sing her praises to the last turning of the earth), and have *ks*'s digi-cam with me, so when i figure it out, there will be pictures. knowing me, there will probably be a pathetically huge amount of pictures.

sheesh, i still haven't posted about my camping trip. although suffice it to say, if i wasn't on this loaner linux box (while *mj* tries to repair my dead pc), i prolly would've already touched up a few pics and posted them up here. but as i'm not on a windows machine but am instead using linux-based programs, i don't have photoshop. there's a linux-friendly version, but...it's not photoshop.

and i can never sleep before a flight. it's seven minutes 'till 05:00 as i write this, and i'm still awake waiting for my yoga pants to come out of the dryer. i am determined to wear jammies on the flight. if i'm gonna be sitting for over seven hours either in a tin can with wings, or in a terminal with a gajillion other people, i'm going to be comfy in a white hanes t-shirt and jammy pants, dammit.

in fact, i refuse to take any other shoes but my flip-flops. marvel and revel in the adorable orange-painted toes that are mine, mwa ha ha!

we spent tonight de-flea-ing the house. rumblestrut, my darling rumbly-bumbly, has demonstrated an extreme sensitivity to fleas that a stupid-ass neighbor brought with her and set loose upon our cat-filled house. rumbles, as it turns out, has severe allergies, and we found a pinkie-tip-sized crater of a cold sore on his lip, which is a response to fleas.


no, seriously. grr, dammit.

so we sprayed them, flea-bathed them, and sprayed the shit out of the apartment with this really neat, eucalyptus-tea-tree-smelling stuff that's pleasant...until about an hour later when it's just a trifle overpowering. hours later, the kitties are still traumatized from their horrendous baths, but then...they're not over-grooming and going crazy from flea bitey itchiness anymore, either.

but i still have to take rumbles to the vet, probably for cortisone shots and most likely an allergy regimen, as well. after how awful i feel, having totally failed him as a kitty mama, that boy will get whatever he needs, and he'll never want for anything ever again.

on the flip side, i think i feel stronger about *cr* than i did the last time i posted about him. i'm still letting him steer and am keeping this totally pressure-free. if it turns into a real something, great. and if it doesn't, then that's great, too.

and as part of my lessons to myself about learning to let go, i finally gave in to my curiosity and started playing World of Warcraft. and i like it.

so totally craptastic week. and somehow i survived. now i just gotta get through the weekend.


daily deelite

1. i was driving home from the cleaners here in my hometown, after getting a dress fitted for alterations for my li'l sis *rc*'s wedding next saturday. it's a very beautiful day, not too warm or too breezy, and there's not a single cloud in the cerulean sky. it's quite lovely. to get to my apartment down the main drive through town, you pass the library, a park, go down a hill and drive across a bridge spanning a creek and a very lush, very green little gulley. it's quite charming. the Funkmobile and i were coasting downhill in neutral and i looked in my rearview mirror --as is habit at that particular spot-- and the view i saw was so beautiful --bright blue sky, green trees, no cars behind me so i felt alone on a charming country road-- just added another layer of reinforcement to the deep love i have for where i live.

i love oregon. i love portland. i love my little town of half-hour-away-from-anything-good.

i love where i live. once again, i'm so glad i live here.

the price of love pt v

to read the price of love from pt i, click here

"sullen and stubborn melancholy hath never become of any human," my friend said.

i looked up at him, hot words burning the tip of my tongue, but one look into his golden eye --the slit of his pupil narrowing to a line thinner than my smallest finger-- and my heated words cooled. so i did as he bade me and stopped pouting.

"do as you will, my friend," i told him, frowning. "i need to think."

i made my way across the plains, down where the land sloped a bit, and found a gently flowing river that sparkled in the sunlight like a dragon's hoard tumbling with gemstones and pearls and glittering, glittering gold. the blue of the water was sapphire blue, darkening like the night sky the deeper the water ran toward the middle. fish leapt like dancers, catching mosquitoes and water skates for their meals. reed birds rustled in the tall grasses, scolding and calling one another with their "chirrr, chikirk! chirrr, chikirk!"

i stripped out of my armor, the delicious breeze a cool caress on skin hot and dampened with sweat from wearing such heavy armor through an eternity of battles, of blood on the boil from such a close hunt of such a hated enemy. and with each item i loosened and let drop to the ground, the lighter i felt. the breeze cooled the back of my sweaty neck, dried my tunic, ruffled my hair which i had unwound from its battle braid. it truly felt as if i were letting go of more and more of my worries and setting them down along with my armor.

at last i was able to close my eyes and truly listen to the wind and hear what it was telling me. in one swift motion, my tunic and leggings came off and i was letting the current take me downstream. how long i was out there bathing, swimming, basking in the sunlight before i swam back to shore, i do not know. i should have come out miles from where i'd lain my armor, but there it was...waiting for me.

i sighed. i might be able to lay it down for a time, but it would still be waiting for me to take it up again.

instead, however, i sat by the reeds in the shallows listening to the wind sough through them, hearing their wisdom whispered to me. as the golden glitter on the river turned to orange and salmon and lavender, it finally made sense to me.

insanity is what it was, what the reeds whispered to me by the water, but as i had tried all else without a mote of success, perhaps insanity inspired by the wind and the water was what was called for. perhaps the essence of what they proposed was insanity itself. no one ever said This Thing i was attempting ever made sense...

i stood up and brushed my hair with the curled witches' fingers that grew among the reeds, but kept it loose. i put on my tunic and leggings, now dried and stiff from the sun.

my armor i left by the river and returned to the cave. my old friend and companion, the fire dragon, was gone.

the entrance to the cave both threatened and mocked me with its deep, enveloping darkness. she was in there, i knew. my Inner Flaming Narcissist lay in the deepest hollows, biding her time, raising my worst selves from the dead. but it didn't matter.

i took a deep breath and closed my eyes. the wind took my hair in its hands and stroked my face encouragingly. the earth pulsed beneath my bare feet. somewhere beneath them, i knew, She walked.

...and so i sang.

i'm sorry but i'm just thinking of the right words to say...
i know they don't sound the way i planned them to be...
but if you wait around a while i'll make you fall for me
i promise you, i promise you i will...

i sang every fitting song i could remember.

something in the way she knows
and all i have to do is think of her...
something in the things she shows me.
i don't wanna leave her now.
you know i believe and how...

and when you speak...angels sing from above--
everyday words seem...to turn into love songs...

bronze and salmon and lavender hues on the horizon gave way to the deeper blue-black shadows of night. stars came awake across the sky, and the milky silver ribbon of moon tears stretched from one end of the horizon and disappeared into eternity. the grass took upon itself the silver sheen as the moon rose three-quarters full. sweat beaded across my brow and tickled down the side of my face. i felt it streak down the middle of my back and between my breasts, and still i sang.

i saw a world enchanted
spirits and charms in the air,
i always took for granted
i was the only one there.
but your power shone...
brighter than any i've known!
i'm under your spell
nothing i can do...
you just took my soul with you.
you worked your charm so well
finally, i knew
everything i dreamed was true
you made me believe!

through the night i serenaded her, though my voice grew hoarse and i had to wrack my brain to find new things to sing. but still, however silly it seemed--

it's not unusual to be loved by anyone
it's not unusual to have fun with anyone...

--i sang it. at some point before the darkness gave way to the first hint of dawn, i had fallen to my knees in exhaustion. now i pleaded with her, romancing my Inner Flaming Narcissist with every love song i had ever heard, and as the first touch of gold crept over the horizon, i saw movement by the mouth of the cave. i gasped!

...and it disappeared.

i merely closed my eyes and began again.

hello, hello!
i'm at a place called 'vertigo'
lights go down and all i know
is that you give me something i can feel...
you're teaching me...
your love is teaching me
how to kneel.

and there she was. with outstretched arms she came to me and embraced me.

and as the sun burst over the horizon to bathe the sprawling hills in dazzling light, as the birds and insects began their morning songs, one more song arose within me, and she joined in. by the time we finished, there was...

give me strength to find the road that's lost in me.
give me time to heal and build myself a dream.
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me.
give me strength...to be...

...only me.

songs in order of appearance:
when in rome, "the promise"
the beatles, "something"
louie armstrong, "la vie en rose"
buffy the vampire slayer: once more with feeling, "under your spell"
tom jones, "it's not unusual"
U2, "vertigo"
over the rhine, "give me strength"

continued from pt iv


my pookie-pie of la mancha

this is how cool my sheree is.

after (finally) getting super-mega-awesome sleep after my camping weekend (there will be a post dedicated to the trip, i promise) i started checking all my email and blogs (Google Reader had a whopping 33 posts for me...wow) and myspace. there were three letters waiting for me from my pookielicious, and she totally rocks. i love her words and the way she has with them.

So I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull, fuckin awesome book...

there's a couple lines in it, i included them in a blog. they really kinda spoke to my soul....it's an idea i learned from you but maybe you could stand to hear it back but in different words.....the names have been changed to protect the innocent....

"You need to keep finding yourself, a little more each day, that real, unlimited Delena. She's your instructor. You need to understand her and to practice her." Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly.

see? isn't she just awesome? there's the universe giving me exactly what i need exactly when i need it. i went out this weekend looking for a way to let go, a way out of the unFunk, and i am showered with ways, things to remember, and reminders of just how much i am LURVED!

i wasn't practicing the real Delena Unlimited. i'd lost touch with Delena of the Funkywild in striving to be what someone else expected and was pushing me to be. all i was feeling was my failure. i told him to back off and he was offended, and i was surprisingly angry at that. here i was protecting myself and he was offended? jackass...

my intuition shows me the way to fly, and i'd forgotten it in favor of...i'm not even really sure what. so that some insensitive someone who wasn't paying attention to my polite "thank you but no thank you" could think better of me? wtf? i should know better than that. it was making me sick, afraid, discouraged, and really damn tired. so who cares about what they think? i'll follow the path that's right for me and i'll still get to where i want to go as fast as i want to get there, but i won't have lost any pieces of myself along the way...pieces that aren't a result of natural selection in the growth process.

on the flip side, here are my friends and siblings showing support for the Funkywild. just in case we forget, don quixote sings the Funk's theme song. well...one song of many...

the Funk's not back quite yet, but the unFunk is most definitely gone. right now's more the quiet aftermath and recovery after the storm of the unFunk. i do feel stronger and different; not quite sure what's different, but it's definitely different...

notes from the universe

The only person you really have to make happy, Delena, is you.

Good thing you're so cool -
The Universe

PS.There's no one I trust or believe in more, Delena, on such an important subject

that's pretty much the conclusion i reached this weekend: my path might not seem the wisest to some --and might actually offend or piss off others (which has already happened, actually, and was the cause of a LOT of emotional stress for me)-- but it's the wisest for me.

me and only me.

which is all i care about.

family is and will always be my first priority, and i am my second priority, which is somewhat of a new concept for me. but if that offends or angers some people, they can call me up and i'll verbally describe exactly what they can do and which orifice they can pack with it.

other things with which i came to accept:

  • i'm doing the right thing, and i know it.
  • sometimes the best and most useful work is completely intangible. i shouldn't feel increasing guilt over having nothing tangible yet that i can point to and say, "see? there is my success and justification."
  • money will always be available.
  • the happiness and universal contentment of my family is the only yardstick by which i measure my success. it's the only measurement that's worth a damn to me.
  • smart people can be stupid sometimes, too.
  • in regards to Project: Bio-Mom, all i'm really obligated to tell her is that her words reached me, and i respond, but i've also been quite happy and content without her in my life. i am not responsible for her emotional reaction. her hypocrisy is intolerable in the standards of the Funkywild.
  • we always win. we always have, and we always will.

and i am okay with all of this.

so mote it be.


notes from the universe

Even when the earth suddenly shakes, tides unexpectedly surge, and all hope seems lost, in the split second that follows I have a brand new plan, I know what we'll do, and I've got the pedal to the metal.

Just get back in your saddle and ride,
The Universe

PS. Metaphorically, Delena. I don't mean earthquakes and hurricanes, but friends who disappoint, connections that have faded, and dreams that seem to have been left in tatters.

funny i should find this note in my email box yesterday, since the theme here at iGoddess lately seems to be stress, thresholds, and evolution to higher states of being. it's in that split second that follows. of course, "split second" to the Universe can mean a little bit more time for us solid, linear beings, but still.

i had the great good fortune to watch this process happen in an email that a dear reader of iGoddess wrote to me. it was the most amazing thing to watch him as his mind and heart operated in his old paradigm, which was not only not working, but was getting in his way big time. and in the course of this email, i watched the input struggle, the threshold limit reached and breached, and then like a flood as a river breaks an old dam, the new system broke through and was so liberating, so strong, so freeing for him.

that's exactly what i'm talking about. exactly what physics talks about, what spirituality talks about, what the Universe talks about. and it's such a simple process...once we stop struggling with ourselves.

right now, with this particular system, i'm still in the struggling-with-myself stage. but it's getting better. in fact, i took my dad up on his invitation to go camping with him, mom, and the dogs this weekend. i'm gonna go give myself a crash course in not struggling.

may you Funkify your unFunk, and may the Funk be with you.


the unFunk revisited

How do we defunk the unfunk? ...Also where does this unfunk come from? Is it the moon?

ah yes, the unFunk.

i think a better question would be "how do we de-un the unFunk?" or for those who think "de-un" just sounds weird, "how do we Funkify the unFunk?"

although, looking at it, perhaps "Funkify the unFunk" is better, because if we de-un the unFunk, we're taking away a part of it...unless you think of it as taking away a negative, which everyone knows two negatives equals a positive.


wow, my mind's just totally filled with wanderlust today...

lemme try this again.

"Funkification of the unFunk", by iGoddess

i don't think the unFunk is caused by any one thing.

i think it's a multiple set of influences, each of which is connected in some way to every other contributor.

we lead busy lives, and a lot of time we allow ourselves to get swamped by the negativity because, sludgelike as it is, it takes a lot of strength to keep it from sticking everywhere. and it's a busy time of year, and it only seems to get busier. the busier we get, the less time or energy we have for things like cooking solid, wholesome meals that would keep up our strength. we have less time for sitting around a table as a family, keeping up our emotional strength through solidarity and communion. and the desire not to interrupt our friends' lives, even when a bit of friendship or support might do us some good, we think, "no, so-and-so's busy, i don't want to bother them," so we grow more and more disconnected when, who knows? they might be feeling just as overwhelmed and disconnected as we are.

and everyone's heard of the saying, "birds of a feather flock together." crap like the unFunk is contagious.

actually, emotions themselves are contagious.

you are who you hang out with. take a look at your three closest friends, or your five closest. look at their level of income, their family life, their values, their financial abilities (or lack thereof), what kind of house/apartment they live in, what kind of car they drive (or transit system they take). you are who you hang out with. odds are, you are at their level, too. mentalities support one another, or they go their separate ways. it's just the way things work.

so look at the people around you. are they happy and well-adjusted? or are they busy, tired, and overwhelmed, too? you pick it up. that's why the other saying is so popular: "misery loves company." it might feel like solidarity to sit down together and commiserate about how tough things are, and dream together, but you're only bringing yourselves down.

i try --not always successfully-- to at least look at things with a bit of analysis, or find the good, or find the hope, whenever i'm unFunky here. at least lately. it helps, i think. instead of just bitching and moaning, i'm saying, "wow, things really suck right now, and rar, rar, rar. but at least i know there's a source, and once i find it, i'll be back to shining, stunning revolutionary freedom fighter iGoddess planting joy mines in your psyche.

right now? blah. but just like yet another saying, "this, too, shall pass."

so.cal revisited

so a friend of mine came up from so.cal for a visit last week. we had a lot of fun, and did a lot of running around. whenever someone i know and love comes to visit me in "my" city, i'm always determined to show them the best and brightest of, and all my favorite little things only a local would find.

we went to john barleycorn's, which is another McMenamins - a favorite pub only found here in the pac northwest. they make this stout, called Terminator, and make a chocolate milkshake from it. i can't stand brews, but that stout milkshake is so killer, omg. have a small sampler of Terminator straight up, then have them bring you the milkshake, and you can taste the stout. for some reason, stout + chocolate milkshake = orgasmic deliciousness.

the table where we chose to sit wasn't anywhere near our usual choices, so we got to see a pic that i don't normally see. it was the topic of many conversations throughout dinner. we nearly killed ourselves coming up with captions that just made us die laughing.

"and what do you want me to do with this?"
"...you've got to be kidding."
"out playing cards and drinking all night and you bring home this?"

and my personal favorite:
"it's dangerous out there. here, take this."

the unFunk

thanks to Google Reader, i'm able to keep up with all of the blogs i used to "keep an eye on." now i'm able to be totally informed --pretty much minute to minute-- when another blog is updated. it's like my own, customizable community bulletin board for the iVillage i "belong" to.

but i've noticed that i'm not the only one whose Funk is enduring a current attack by Funk Kryptonite.

the unFunk is everywhere, it seems.

and yes, i'm still unFunky. i decided not to continue "daily deelite" until i could post gratitude with honesty. someone once told me that my writing was so smooth it seemed like i could just rattle off these posts within a few minutes. while i blushed, smiled, and said "thank you," i also said that they take a lot longer than a few minutes. some posts take hours to write, and i sit there until they get written. there are days when daily deelite takes the longest because, while i could toss up a whole bunch of things i'm casually grateful for, those five things are always things for which i feel grateful to the marrow. it's not as easy to find them as it seems, some days.

and right now, i really don't feel all that grateful. in fact, i feel pretty disconnected, and impatient for the feeling to be over with. i don't want to sit through it and let whatever happens be okay. i want to think and intuit myself through it and have it be over with, godsdammit. but apparently that's not how it works, and so inside i feel like a tiger pacing in a cage at the zoo.

trying to fight it or rush it is counter-productive, i know. well, i know it intellectually. on a gut level, i don't give a shit and just want it to be over.

but apparently the unFunk is starting to spread. not cool.


i lol@me

The very feelings you're now feeling, Delena, the good, the bad, and the confused, are in large part why you chose this lifetime: To simply feel them.

Let's get this party started,
The Universe

wow. so my first reaction is to say, "wow, stupid move on my part." all these feelings are pretty lame and getting in my way.

on the other hand, it's those feelings --all of them-- that affirm the whole feeling of being alive. some experiences you can only have when you are existing in a linear, solid incarnation.

and feeling them challenge a person to grow to a newer, higher order of functioning, meaning the threshold gets pushed higher and you can feel more, think more, do more, and be more.

so wow. my second, more thoughtful reaction is to go, "wow, go me."

i still want this chaos part to be over now, tho.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The whole history of civilization is strewn with creeds and institutions which were invaluable at first, and deadly afterwards." So said British essayist Walter Bagehot. I would add the following corollary: The fortunes of many individuals have declined because of belief systems and structures that were invigorating earlier in their lives but that gradually became paralyzing or parasitical. Has that ever been true about you, Capricorn? More importantly, might it become true in the future? Please take inventory of your reliance on theories and attitudes and methods that made good sense once upon a time but that are now becoming irrelevant or even counterproductive.

a system, according to physics, can handle a certain amount of input and/or stimulus. it also gives off a certain amount of chaos, entropy, or energy. this is called the 2nd law of thermodynamics.

all things, according to this Law, move toward a state of chaos and degeneration.

what stumped scientists for over a century afterward was the argument that yeah, things move toward entropy, but what about things that move toward higher organization, like, um, life itself? atoms form into molecules like amino acids, which form into single cells, which form into more complex systems, until one day something says, "Hmm, I feel like sprouting legs," and climbs out of the primordial soup to become homo sapiens. and even this evolutionary miracle forms more complex systems according to humanity's needs: villages, towns, laws and social orders and structure.

even a freeway exhibits this growth and evolution towards greater order.

true, said some guy at the university of brussels whose name i can't remember let alone spell, but a system whose input exceeds its output of entropy comes to a crux, or a crossroads. it can go one of two ways:

it will either cease to be a system (aka go ka-blooey) or it will reorganize itself into a more complex, "higher" structure that can then handle the greater input. it will also, as a result of its evolution, give off greater energy/entropy/whatever as a result. so the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics still applies.

as things grow, information gets processed. when the threshold of this informational limit is hit and remains at this threshold long enough, chaos ensues as the system gets overwhelmed...until the system realizes (in some way) that what used to work doesn't work anymore, and the old system is thrown away in favor of a new one, or is manipulated in some way as to improve its capability to handle the new level of input.

that's what's been happening to me, and it's what the support guy said last week.

i don't really think i was upset at any of the things i professed to be upset at (though yeah, they were really irritating me), but it wasn't the source. my system just wasn't able to handle things anymore, the good or the difficult. because it's all stimulus, and it was too much for my system.

frankly, it's still too much for my system. my sleep's been pretty wacky, and my appetite's been weird and less than stellar. i'm tired all the time, emotionally sensitive, and easily overwhelmed. and it's easy lately to get really down on myself.

but *ks* helped me see that's what's been going on, and then the support guy squished my gut chakra. a conversation with a friend-slash-business partner let me know that i had finally failed to keep those personal things separate from work, and so i'd pretty much just spilled over everywhere.

knowing this, and knowing that my best efforts to try and control the spillover was only making things worse, helped me to not stress about it as much.

as much. i still stress.

lots of things going on, and with all this positive growth really uprooting some really deeply-buried, heavy-duty stuff, i'm exhausted in every possible way a person can be exhausted. i know that once i get through this chaos i'll be a better person -- able to handle more positivity and more challenges, even-- and i look forward to it, but i don't know how to get through this except to, well, "sit through it and just wait it out" seems to be what i'm being told.

my biggest struggle comes from not knowing how to "observe it, feel the feelings, and let whatever happens be okay" while at the same time not explode or spill over onto others. if my outside life is any indication of the inside of me, i'm overheating, shutting down randomly, and letting the dirty dishes pile up while simultaneously getting pissed at them for piling up.

go figure.