where spare time is doled out in minutes

i found myself with a few spare minutes this morning before i head to work. of course, i have no idea what i wanted to write about, just that i wanted to write something. i miss my iVillage, i miss reading about your lives and hopes and inner journies, i miss hearing from you.

dear gods in heaven, i'm so busy lately that my brain doesn't work even when it needs to, and this last week i've spent much of my free time sleeping. so it really doesn't feel free to me. i threw in the towel and gave up on a social life, and i decided to walk away from dating and the whole funkalicious quest to find my groovemate. i just don't have the mental energy for that kind of emotional pain.

i thought working and going to school were so that i could improve myself and my quality of life, so that i could go out and enjoy life. but i just feel like i'm in a lockdown, like i'm living to work and go to school. with summer, things are really picking up at work, and i devote a lot of 6-day weeks to it. finals are coming up. after finals, i have state exams to study for, for my license (so i can, y'know, work more).

i miss my family, i miss writing, i miss waking up next to someone. perhaps it's just not the right time in my life, but it's never the right time in my life. for the first time in my life, i'm sincerely and painfully lonely, and it came on the heels of the realization that my Funk really can't survive in the presence of an Other. there's a lot of anger, and pain, and exhaustion. it feels like i've taken a huge step backward. looking through some journal entries i'd made on another blog (that died, btw) i'd said that i felt i was ready for wetter, wilder, more interesting challenges. and then this ginormous shit pie flew right into my face.

and i can't stand slapstick, lol.

so here i am. i don't know how to clean this up, or what to do with it. i'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that i find myself stuck in depression and i don't know how to get out of it. there's just so much anger. i don't even know what all of it's from, either. the Funk is so far away i can't feel it. sometimes i don't want to even do the work necessary to get back in touch with it. i just want to sleep.

i'm very confused. and my schedule has gotten me so isolated, that i'm feeling rather alone. i've hit a point --with learning how to eat all over again, school, work, duties around the house, my family-- that i can't do this alone. it's too much.


Tori said...

It sounds like you need a hug. I'm giving you a mental one! <3

You seem to be doing too much. Can you cut back on your responsibilities at all? You’re probably thinking I’m nuts right now for suggesting that, right?

Next time you have a free minute, read (or listen since she has it on a podcast, also!) to this. It might help. Remember, it’s never too late to change how you do things.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, nor do I know you. However, your state of mind and state of being could very well be caused by the fact that you know this is not reality. School, work, this "disposable" society. None of it is real, or rather, nothing we collectively define as real is how those of us that see a bigger picture know it should be.

You know that real magic exists. You know there is literally no end to the amount of possibilities that can and do exist in "the grand scheme of things". You know that our universe is only one of an infinite number of universes all coinciding in the same eternal moment of now.

And yet here we are, now, on earth. Living to work, and working to live. Forced into a mind numbingly mundane existence just to survive and make it to tomorrow which we all "hope will be a brighter day".

I found your blog for a reason. I believe that reason could be as simple as to tell you, one bare, angry, chained up soul to another, that you are not alone.

Then again, I could be completely wrong, in which case, neither of us will have lost anything in these few moments..

But If I'm right? Well then, I say forty-two.

Dia said...

THE answer to 'life, the universe & everything!' (42) :)

Heart hugs, & magic sprinkles!

Hope you're feeling a bit better today - hard to be busy & tired & . . . .
An astrologer friend told me once that when she looked at my chart, all she SAW was 'relationship, relationship, RELATIONSHIP!' & then - that I had to be OUT of them for awhile, to really recognize/be in / manifest a 'good one,' . . . . as hard as this time 'on your own' seems - it's a good time to reinvest in your beautiful, shining self!!
& good luck with finding your balance point - again & again, lol :)


This Guy said...

Don't clean it up, don't do anything. Just let it sit there, exist, don't give it too much attention, let it hibernate until YOU feel you can, and have the energy to deal with it. No one says you HAVE to accomplish this much. OMG you are ALREADY going back to school, learning, your mind is So busy with that, let it rest on other things. Get lots of sleep, let your dating life hibernate - suck, I know... But what else do you do? Take some time out just to recharge. You are expending so much energy with school that other things will suffer, but thats TOTALLY allowed! Where is it written that 100% of your life has to be perfect 100% of the time? Just take some time out for yourself. Make sure to get lots of sunshine, study outside, have wonderful lavish bubble baths and honor yourself at least once a week.

Remember what you asked me once? How many people do you let disrespect your personal temple? Well my answer now is NONE, but sometimes I disrespect my OWN temple? Can you imagine? I'm working on it, make sure you honor your temple and worship yourself lots!


Brandi said...

you are so heard and understood and supported.

I don't know the right path for you but I do know this-as I worked full time the entire 6 years it took me to get my bachelors (yeah, I went the long way). Completing college can help bring a level of fulfillment and expand your horizons, prompt personal growth, etc. But going through it-unless you have someone paying your way so you can take whatever classes interest you any time they do and no other responsibilities-is hell. It's work. It's hard work.

it's up to you to decide if it's worth the work (and there's no wrong answer to that either)