equilibrium

so now my computer's finally up and running and connected to the internet. i can finally start getting my online life back on track. i've missed writing more than i can really say. it's driven me fairly mad.

everyone keeps asking how the move was, how life is now with *m*. my voice keeps catching in my throat and i scramble wildly around inside my brain for something that at least sounds positive that's not an outright lie. mainly i keep it to the practical actions.

"oh, y'know, we're just trying to get everything out of boxes right now."
"just trying to settle in..."
"the kittens are loving all these new things to explore..."

i mean, there's really no clean way to say, "well, you know that whole buddhist philosophy about expectations and desire and misery, and having no desires frees us from misery? yeah, well, i'm trying to follow that." besides, it's not really what they want to hear, anyway. they want: "yeah, life is great! woo!"

if i followed goddesses like brigid, demeter, kwan yin, or aphrodite, i'd be asking them for guidance and trying my damndest to follow in their footsteps. but no, my goddesses are oya, morrigan, kali the destroyer, and lilith. i'm about death at the core, swallowing down and breaking up into basic elements, pruning with brutal and merciless love...and equality. painful, honest, challenging equality.

doesn't sound like a compassionate igoddess of the hearth, does it?

instead i find myself yet again yielding to another's needs, bowing low and saying, "as you wish" while my own needs fall to the wayside. compassion doesn't demand to be put first. lilith has been my guiding force for two years, but how to reconcile the lover and hearthmistress with the dark mother?

i wonder that the goddesses i honor really don't have consorts...unless they're in their "other" aspects. but i don't know how to bridge the gap.