so now my computer's finally up and running and connected to the internet. i can finally start getting my online life back on track. i've missed writing more than i can really say. it's driven me fairly mad.

everyone keeps asking how the move was, how life is now with *m*. my voice keeps catching in my throat and i scramble wildly around inside my brain for something that at least sounds positive that's not an outright lie. mainly i keep it to the practical actions.

"oh, y'know, we're just trying to get everything out of boxes right now."
"just trying to settle in..."
"the kittens are loving all these new things to explore..."

i mean, there's really no clean way to say, "well, you know that whole buddhist philosophy about expectations and desire and misery, and having no desires frees us from misery? yeah, well, i'm trying to follow that." besides, it's not really what they want to hear, anyway. they want: "yeah, life is great! woo!"

if i followed goddesses like brigid, demeter, kwan yin, or aphrodite, i'd be asking them for guidance and trying my damndest to follow in their footsteps. but no, my goddesses are oya, morrigan, kali the destroyer, and lilith. i'm about death at the core, swallowing down and breaking up into basic elements, pruning with brutal and merciless love...and equality. painful, honest, challenging equality.

doesn't sound like a compassionate igoddess of the hearth, does it?

instead i find myself yet again yielding to another's needs, bowing low and saying, "as you wish" while my own needs fall to the wayside. compassion doesn't demand to be put first. lilith has been my guiding force for two years, but how to reconcile the lover and hearthmistress with the dark mother?

i wonder that the goddesses i honor really don't have consorts...unless they're in their "other" aspects. but i don't know how to bridge the gap.


Mich said...

Also remember that Kali is about new beginnings ... so don't despair!


Anonymous said...

I dunno.
I'm certainly not an expert on healthy, happy, functional relationships.
One day, one moment at a time...and try not to have a formed idea of what it should be like.
Society "romanticizes" the marriage of souls, or moving in together...when it's really like the most traumatic life change ever! The metaphoric surgical amputation of our individual selves?
Just know that I got your back!

Greggo said...

half the things i said in my last few emails were actually in regards to this post, though i was afraid to come out and say it. i don't know anything about your goddesses, i suck at relationships, and try though i may, i suck at equality too. god knows i let your needs go by the wayside for too long, and in so doing i destroyed the loving friendship we had.

but things can change. the igoddess i know and love can make her needs known, and can find true equality. i know the move has been stressful, and learning to live with someone can be difficult, and there will always be times when yours and his needs will conflict and one of you will have to bow to the other. just make it clear to him that it can't always be you. he will understand that in your love you want his needs to be met, but in his love he has to meet yours as well.

i wish you happiness.