Dear Sisters of Funk,
You have read my tales through many years of everything it is to be a woman. You've cooed with me through the sweet in life, rejoiced with me in victory; you've died laughing at my antics and the funny in life, and reached out to me through the painful.
I know life has me by the nape of the neck right now; I haven't yet figured out how to take control of everything on my plate, though with more free time now I'll be able to make that happen. But I haven't been there for you lately, to leave the supportive comments on your blogs, or in your email boxes, like I should and like I used to.
But...I know you're still there for me. The last couple days I have really appreciated your support. You remind me of who I am: Delena of the Funkywild. You help me see that right now I'm only trapped in my insecurity, and that my own exhaustion and overwhelm helped make me susceptible to my Inner Flaming Narcissist once again.
Because as we all know, being the Divalicious Funkmasters we are, that insecurity is nothing more than self-absorption married to fear.
Inspired by your love, my sisters, and drawing from your strength and support as my own strength has waned lately, I hereby summon my Inner Flaming Narcissist and banish that bitch to the little box in my head where she belongs. Instead of waiting for someone to come to me, to help me get out of this, I called on a friend instead. I called her.
Led by your example, my sisters, I called upon someone I knew beyond a shadow of doubt would be there for me...and she was. I'm getting ready to go meet her right now, so we can have fun together, and she will help me lift myself back up, and remind me of my beautiful soul, and show me the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising and every breath is a precious gift.
I woke this morning feeling so lost and desperate, and just the memory of it makes tears burn behind my eyes. I don't understand why it's so damn difficult to find someone worthy of me, and what inspires someone to want to tear down a Funkmaster and treat her like shit. Works of art are we, and I never hear of anyone wanting to spray-paint obscenities upon the Mona Lisa or throw a rock through the windows of Notre Dame.
But I'm getting up. I'm making myself get up, and I'm going to banish my Narcissist and eat the damn frog of Insecurity. He's a bastard going down, that's for damn sure.
But I'm fucking eating that frog, godsdammit. My sisters, I was strongly moved to tell you how much I love you all, and how much I have to attribute today --the first day of my recovery-- to your strength. I agree with all your comments you've left the last few days. I love you all for them. Especially all of you; you all said something that hit me to my core. Thank you for keeping me on the right track.
I love you all.
4.26.2009
4.25.2009
to whom it may concern,
I am...
...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.
...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.
...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.
...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love
...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.
...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.
...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.
...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.
...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.
...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.
...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.
...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.
...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.
...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.
...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love
...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.
...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.
...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.
...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.
...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.
...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.
...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.
helping...
woke up still kinda sad. heard *cc* talking with leezard (the new roomie) and laughing, went to see. she said check out lolcats.
so...i'm checking out lolcats.
still kinda sad, but it's not stopping me from laughing.
4.24.2009
deadFunk
greggo emailed me once, a long while ago, and told me that i was fantastically on my way to mastering the Funk, and then he and *m* threw such a wrench into the works that it totally derailed me.
when i was on my dating kick, the Funk suffered.
i tried a relationship with a younger man, and somehow lost my sense of humor. after telling him about my real estate investing dreams, he told me he could never be with someone who loved money so much. i told him i couldn't be with anyone who didn't support my dreams.
between learning to live without gluten, entering a new community one week, a new job the next week, returning to school the next week after a decade away, and entering my first serious relationship since *m* back in december of '07, i was exhausted, hungry, stressed, emotionally tender, exhausted, confused, insecure, and did i mention exhausted?
i took some "me time" to try and sort everything out. i was getting dangerously close to the blow-up-at-everything-and-sabotage-my-relationships stage. i needed time to rest, and think, and slow down.
in that time, my lover assumed i wanted someone else, misinterpreted everything i said and wrote, shut me out for a week, and i found out this morning he's with someone else.
in all this, i don't know how i could have done more, been more, given more. i was always honest. i handled my own issues. i was loving. i let him into places inside my heart i never wanted to ever see again after *m*. i covered his face in kisses at night and told him i loved him. i retreated in order to make sure i didn't hurt him if i had a meltdown.
i did everything i could.
and i've been here wondering what's wrong with me.
as long as it's just me with my family, the Funk is strong within me. i am confident, joyous, Funktastic, creative, and invincibile. the moment there's anyone else in my life, the Funk is either murdered (like *m* did), or it goes out. when i show my ugly side, they leave me. when i don't show my ugly side, they leave anyway.
i don't understand it. everyone wants to be loved. i am no different. i want to be held at night, told i'm beautiful, appreciated for those unique things about me. i want it. but i'm beginning to wonder if Delena of the Funkywild can only survive alone.
i'll get up again from this. i always do. i'll survive, i'll be strong, i'll re-find the Funk. and i can find happiness in my solitude. but i want a fulfilling relationship, and something deep inside me is afraid that Delena of the Funkywild is made for no such thing. I want to grow old with someone who loves me.
when i was on my dating kick, the Funk suffered.
i tried a relationship with a younger man, and somehow lost my sense of humor. after telling him about my real estate investing dreams, he told me he could never be with someone who loved money so much. i told him i couldn't be with anyone who didn't support my dreams.
between learning to live without gluten, entering a new community one week, a new job the next week, returning to school the next week after a decade away, and entering my first serious relationship since *m* back in december of '07, i was exhausted, hungry, stressed, emotionally tender, exhausted, confused, insecure, and did i mention exhausted?
i took some "me time" to try and sort everything out. i was getting dangerously close to the blow-up-at-everything-and-sabotage-my-relationships stage. i needed time to rest, and think, and slow down.
in that time, my lover assumed i wanted someone else, misinterpreted everything i said and wrote, shut me out for a week, and i found out this morning he's with someone else.
in all this, i don't know how i could have done more, been more, given more. i was always honest. i handled my own issues. i was loving. i let him into places inside my heart i never wanted to ever see again after *m*. i covered his face in kisses at night and told him i loved him. i retreated in order to make sure i didn't hurt him if i had a meltdown.
i did everything i could.
and i've been here wondering what's wrong with me.
as long as it's just me with my family, the Funk is strong within me. i am confident, joyous, Funktastic, creative, and invincibile. the moment there's anyone else in my life, the Funk is either murdered (like *m* did), or it goes out. when i show my ugly side, they leave me. when i don't show my ugly side, they leave anyway.
i don't understand it. everyone wants to be loved. i am no different. i want to be held at night, told i'm beautiful, appreciated for those unique things about me. i want it. but i'm beginning to wonder if Delena of the Funkywild can only survive alone.
i'll get up again from this. i always do. i'll survive, i'll be strong, i'll re-find the Funk. and i can find happiness in my solitude. but i want a fulfilling relationship, and something deep inside me is afraid that Delena of the Funkywild is made for no such thing. I want to grow old with someone who loves me.
4.21.2009
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From an astrological point of view, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to start a band and record an album. Your creativity is waxing, your attunement with the right side of your brain is especially sweet, and you will benefit immensely from anything you do to become less of a spectator and more of a participant. To jumpstart the process, go to Wikipedia and click on "random article." That's the name of your band. Then go to en.wikiquote.org and click on "random page." The last few words of the last quote on that page will be your album's title. Finally, go to tinyurl.com/9ydjk and choose a photo to be your CD cover. Or, if you don't like what's there, click on the link for "Get more interesting photos for the last 7 days." (My band is Widemouth Blindcat, our album is "More Time for Dreaming," and our cover art is a spiral staircase from here: tinyurl.com/c89rt7.)
hmm.
band name: atlante veneto
album title: "a noun with a job"
cd cover art:
4.10.2009
saturation point
i'm tired.
just.
so.
tired.
we're talking the pick-a-fight-in-the-car-flash-point-moody tired. there's been getting up shortly after 5 to get to work on time, to sit in front of a computer or tv studying for eight hours straight, which is so boring and mentally taxing to be absorbing so much info with no other stimulus that i keep passing out at work. then it's run to class on the other side of town outside portland (which takes maybe 40 mins, or an hour and a half depending on traffic), to either get a few bits of homework done before class...or run in breathless already late. then i catch what usually amounts to breakfast at 8:30pm, home to take a shower, and usually *d* comes over to hang out with me a while and make sure i get to sleep.
i fall asleep well, if late, and wake up happy in his arms. i have appointments and workshops on the weekends, real estate or other meetings/get-togethers during the week, school in the evenings, freak out about homework somewhere in there, never see my family (i'm the first out the door, last in), catch a shower every other day (when i'm lucky), and sometimes just opt to pass out rather than get a shower.
my room's a horrendous mess, and don't even ask me about the state of my car. i absolutely love my job, my co-workers, and my company. i love how i'm going to be helping so many people, with a company that still believes in integrity.
integrity is still huge with me.
i'm just tired. tonight is the first free night i've had in weeks, and i'm leaving a friend high and dry on her birthday just so i can stay in, answer email, blog, and unwind. i feel horrible. she came to my wonderful Rocky Horror Costume Party on my birthday.
but i've been sitting here in my fuzzy pink robe, just stopping to feel the fabric. i haven't stopped to feel much lately. too busy. too focused. too tired. i want to take a hot shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Babylon 5, not answer my phone, not do anything.
in the meantime my room needs cleaning, my car needs cleaning out, that cloak for *cc* needs crocheting, homework needs to be done, my bathroom needs scrubbing... all these things are screaming at me, and i feel wretched for wanting to cry mercy.
but if i don't, i'm gonna pop a blood vessel.
here's to taking time, listening to our bodies, and just being in the quiet.
here...
...now...
...quiet.
just.
so.
tired.
we're talking the pick-a-fight-in-the-car-flash-point-moody tired. there's been getting up shortly after 5 to get to work on time, to sit in front of a computer or tv studying for eight hours straight, which is so boring and mentally taxing to be absorbing so much info with no other stimulus that i keep passing out at work. then it's run to class on the other side of town outside portland (which takes maybe 40 mins, or an hour and a half depending on traffic), to either get a few bits of homework done before class...or run in breathless already late. then i catch what usually amounts to breakfast at 8:30pm, home to take a shower, and usually *d* comes over to hang out with me a while and make sure i get to sleep.
i fall asleep well, if late, and wake up happy in his arms. i have appointments and workshops on the weekends, real estate or other meetings/get-togethers during the week, school in the evenings, freak out about homework somewhere in there, never see my family (i'm the first out the door, last in), catch a shower every other day (when i'm lucky), and sometimes just opt to pass out rather than get a shower.
my room's a horrendous mess, and don't even ask me about the state of my car. i absolutely love my job, my co-workers, and my company. i love how i'm going to be helping so many people, with a company that still believes in integrity.
integrity is still huge with me.
i'm just tired. tonight is the first free night i've had in weeks, and i'm leaving a friend high and dry on her birthday just so i can stay in, answer email, blog, and unwind. i feel horrible. she came to my wonderful Rocky Horror Costume Party on my birthday.
but i've been sitting here in my fuzzy pink robe, just stopping to feel the fabric. i haven't stopped to feel much lately. too busy. too focused. too tired. i want to take a hot shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Babylon 5, not answer my phone, not do anything.
in the meantime my room needs cleaning, my car needs cleaning out, that cloak for *cc* needs crocheting, homework needs to be done, my bathroom needs scrubbing... all these things are screaming at me, and i feel wretched for wanting to cry mercy.
but if i don't, i'm gonna pop a blood vessel.
here's to taking time, listening to our bodies, and just being in the quiet.
here...
...now...
...quiet.
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