4.24.2009

deadFunk

greggo emailed me once, a long while ago, and told me that i was fantastically on my way to mastering the Funk, and then he and *m* threw such a wrench into the works that it totally derailed me.

when i was on my dating kick, the Funk suffered.

i tried a relationship with a younger man, and somehow lost my sense of humor. after telling him about my real estate investing dreams, he told me he could never be with someone who loved money so much. i told him i couldn't be with anyone who didn't support my dreams.

between learning to live without gluten, entering a new community one week, a new job the next week, returning to school the next week after a decade away, and entering my first serious relationship since *m* back in december of '07, i was exhausted, hungry, stressed, emotionally tender, exhausted, confused, insecure, and did i mention exhausted?

i took some "me time" to try and sort everything out. i was getting dangerously close to the blow-up-at-everything-and-sabotage-my-relationships stage. i needed time to rest, and think, and slow down.

in that time, my lover assumed i wanted someone else, misinterpreted everything i said and wrote, shut me out for a week, and i found out this morning he's with someone else.

in all this, i don't know how i could have done more, been more, given more. i was always honest. i handled my own issues. i was loving. i let him into places inside my heart i never wanted to ever see again after *m*. i covered his face in kisses at night and told him i loved him. i retreated in order to make sure i didn't hurt him if i had a meltdown.

i did everything i could.

and i've been here wondering what's wrong with me.

as long as it's just me with my family, the Funk is strong within me. i am confident, joyous, Funktastic, creative, and invincibile. the moment there's anyone else in my life, the Funk is either murdered (like *m* did), or it goes out. when i show my ugly side, they leave me. when i don't show my ugly side, they leave anyway.

i don't understand it. everyone wants to be loved. i am no different. i want to be held at night, told i'm beautiful, appreciated for those unique things about me. i want it. but i'm beginning to wonder if Delena of the Funkywild can only survive alone.

i'll get up again from this. i always do. i'll survive, i'll be strong, i'll re-find the Funk. and i can find happiness in my solitude. but i want a fulfilling relationship, and something deep inside me is afraid that Delena of the Funkywild is made for no such thing. I want to grow old with someone who loves me.

5 comments:

megg said...

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. NOTHING.

Everyone wants to be loved, but to love someone that is such hard work isn't how you want to be forever - when you meet someone who makes loving them easy and like something you WANT to do, you will see that it was worth the wait.

I'll say it again and you need to say it to yourself -

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

xo

P.S. I am just g/f too - let me know if you want to share tips!

Genie Sea said...

Woman... if a man can't wait a week !! for you to sort things out, there is something desperately wrong with him!

You are the Queen of da Funk! You need a King of da Funk! Not some funky poser.

I agree with Megg. I totally agree.

The real thing is easy. Without explanation. And it's out there. I refuse to give up. Join me?

Jane said...

Well darling diva of my heart, I could write a small novel about this very subject. I think you know that. I sat here reading this and shook my head in a "yes I know how she feels" kind of way. Honestly, I could never find a good, healthy relationship in the past. Even when I was married, that was a train wreck. I figured I was destined to be alone and finally came to terms with that ridiculous thinking. One December, I said almost the same things about myself that you just wrote. I moved on by myself thinking love was meant for everyone else. 3 months later, I met my soul mate and one year to that date I married him.

You are an absolute divine woman who will find her perfect mate. You deserve that and much, much more!

Love you, Chica!!!!!

Brandi said...

so what are you supposed to be? some super human funk super hero??

sweetie. they don't exist.

you are absolutely Funktastic. And the funk is not always some happy slappy invincible joy ride high either.

it doesn't sound like anything is wrong with you except you are a normally funky human dealing wiht a lot of change in a short amount of time and needing some adjustment period. And the fact that you got ditched because you actually needed a damn break and couldn't be five million things to everyone means that they are not the right person for you.

I had someone like that. I could never be vulnerable with them. I could never have a bad day with them. Or I would be punished. And that makes something very wrong with them.

Tori said...

There's nothing wrong with you! There is someone out there for everyone, and you'll find that person.

If he couldn't wait for you to figure yourself out, he didn't deserve someone who wanted to spare him a meltdown.