4.25.2009

to whom it may concern,

I am...

...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.

...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.

...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.

...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love

...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.

...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.

...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.

...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.

...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.

...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.

...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.

3 comments:

Genie Sea said...

Hugs sweetheart. You are a brave, strong, intelligent, loving woman. One day, there will be a man who recognizes all of this. This, I believe. Until then, I wish you healing. I know it hurts. I have been there many a time. Just remember, honey, you are precious.

Brandi said...

hearing and understanding.

Tori said...

We'll be here to listen any time you need it. <3