brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): The coming week won't be a favorable time to seek revenge against the thunder for making such loud noises. Nor would it be a good idea for you to curse the sea for being so restless or to angrily punch the sky for being so high or to spread nasty gossip about the wind for refusing to heed your commands. On the other hand, cosmic fortune will bless you if you yourself are like an elemental force that unapologetically obeys the laws of your own nature.

funny he should say that just now, this mr. brezsny man. how did he know i'd be lying curled in the fetal today in *ds* and *ks*'s apartment, sniffling and slowly leaking hopeless and despairing tears while sick in my stomach that *m* and i were over?

and all because we still haven't learned to communicate.

i wasn't appreciating his very male effort, and he wasn't learning how to talk to me. my vast and myriad approaches were confusing and frustrating him and he would end up yelling at me, and in my recognizing a scary similarity between his behavior and my marriage to big *c*, i was withdrawing and letting my anger manifest as passive-aggressive cattiness.

i hate that i haven't completely broken the habit altogether, but at least i know that passive-aggression with me is the absolute last resort. i only get this horridly bitchy when i feel i haven't been heard, and when i feel part of the reason i haven't been heard is because i'm being reduced to insignificance.

and then i overcompensate to protect that little girl inside who used to get beaten while others turned a blind eye to her pain.

i am open and honest. i declare what i want. i don't stand around waiting for someone to hand it to me. when there is a problem, i tackle it. when there is a problem, i point it out and am relentless in trying to fix it. and yes, while i am more than happy to admit my contribution to the problem and admit my responsibility, i'm also more than glad to point out others' contribution, as well. people don't like when you say, "my bad. oh, wait, your bad, too."

but i refuse to be the only one saying, "my bad," all the time. people start getting used to it, and then somehow you wake up and realize everyone's piling it all on you. fuck no. not again.

and while i was curled up in the fetal, confused and crying and wondering if i'm really just not worth loving, it crossed my mind that maybe i just should change in order to please a man. after all, from my bio-dad to the father of my child, and every man before or since, all of them ended up calling me very horrible things and reducing me to insignificance (long before i ever acted out against them, reactionary creature that i am). the only men who are the exceptions are my family: *aj*, and *mj*, and *ks*, and my dad.

so perhaps i just wasn't worth it the way i am. but i'm honest, and open, and true to myself, and i know what i deserve and am unafraid to say, "i don't deserve to be treated as less than i am, and you are wrong to do so." i'm supposed to be a revolutionary freedom fighter, dammit.

of course, the instant the thought crossed my mind, i rejected the thought. there's no way Delena of the Funkywild could ever allow herself to change just to make someone else love her and approve of her. but still. it crossed my mind.

and i thought i'd come so far.

after a sleepless night, a tear-filled day, and a lot of staring at the television while my ass fell asleep from sitting on the floor, sick in my soul with terror that i was going to lose the man i love, i was kind of messy. i was even already composing a blog entry, where i was going to say, "yeah, come on. everyone who hates me and glorifies in any moment where my nose is in the dirt, laugh it up. delena's down, go ahead and have your kicks, fuckers." that, of course, was going to be addressed to certain people i know read this blog, and who don't have my best interests at heart.

*m* finally called (for the first time in many weeks actually following through with his promise to spend time with me and talk to me), and i am reassured that i didn't lose him, and he's still moving up here to be with me. of course, he called like nothing happened and didn't even address our issues. i didn't want to tear open the fresh scab, though. while i won't change for him, i'm still pathetic enough that i didn't dare rock the boat.

i'm afraid to talk to him about anything serious. that can't be good. i don't want to be yelled at again. but i just want to fix this communication problem we seem to have. but all i can do is remember the way his frustration so quickly turns to anger, which so quickly turns into yelling at me. if i didn't know that his frustration is at himself and he feels like a failure for hurting and disappointing me when all he wants is to make me happy, i'd have serious reservations about him. but i just have misgivings about our problem with communication. i don't know how to fix it.

all i can do is hold on to my prayer:

"die, apocalypse, die! i swallow you down and break you up into your most basic elements so i may then use those materials to continue to construct myself into the funkiest groovemate worthy of both myself and my sweet baboo, and thereby kill the apocalypse within me by transforming my shadow self into constructive expressions of the Funkalicious Jive! i shall endeavor to find equality, equilibrium, and interdependence with my sweet groovemate in order to allow him to manipulate me as much as i manipulate him, so that we both may work our magic on each other and manifest all of our potential!

amen. a-woman. ommmmm... and hallelujah."