brain dead

it's a couple minutes to midnight. i just got home a few minutes ago. *lw*, the boss lady, *mj*, and baph (the leezard), and i went for sushi tonight. it was a lot of fun, but the trip to the sushi place was a very real lesson in just how strung-out i really am.

i should not be losing my temper just because i made a wrong turn trying to follow crappy, vague, last-minute directions. and normally i don't. i'm hitting that "dead end" sign at the very end of Exhaustion Blvd.

there was this one time when i was in grade school when i tried to do all my laundry in one load. my bio-mom had said i would overload the washer and dryer, and she said if i couldn't carry it all in my arms, then the load was too big and i should divide it. well, i refused to listen because a.) i hate laundry, and b.) i'm really fucking impatient.

always have been. just because i seem to keep a cool head on the outside doesn't mean i'm not going fucking nuts on the inside.

so i showed my bio-mom i could carry that laundry all in my arms. and my arms were so full of clothes that i was doubled over, trying to brace them all against my body. and i would lose clothes the whole trip from the laundry room to my bedroom. a sock would fall, then a shirt, maybe a few pairs of panties, a random sock or three...and there was this trail of clothes, and i had to make two trips to get everything i'd dropped on the way during my first trip.

it frustrated me to no end.

well, it's kind of the image i get in my head when i think of my life lately. i've got so much in my arms that i'm leaving a trail of crap and paper and activities and people in my wake. things and people and important stuff that i have to drop just because work is dominating my life. i'm always behind.

i hate being behind. hate it. i'm the penultimate capricorn. talk about perfectionist and no-nonsense efficiency at its finest. if it takes me all damn day to do a good job, then damn it all, i'm going to do a good job.

...and yet...there's that pile of laundry in my arms, with all these things falling out of my arms and landing on the wayside.

i don't really laugh anymore. not, like, the relaxed laughter that comes of a light heart. my heart isn't light. my heart is heavy and exhausted and so stressed out. the stupid thing is that i thought things would get better after school let out for the summer. but what i'm finding is that now that i'm not so wholly and consumedly focused on school, i'm realizing just how much everything else was neglected. so now i'm trying to make up for lost time, and get caught up.

and i've gained no ground. i'm just as behind as i was last month. i feel worse about the people in my life that i feel i'm cheating. i feel like i'm cheating them out of something good. i feel like the worst kind of person because i'm not there for them like i used to be. hell, i had to book *lw* with her own appointment on my work schedule just so i could help get her to her ultrasound.

that's just this side of ridiculous. and lately, that's how it has to be. and just because i know i'm mortal doesn't mean that i don't feel horrible about not being able to give people more of me.

and jeez, i've been writing for ten minutes, and i'm effing passing out. omg. and while i know it'll help not a whit, i need help.

1 comment:

Tori said...

I know it doesn't help to say this, but- it happens to everyone. We get focused on one thing and neglect other things because they just don't seem as important. Then comes that nasty reality that you've been neglecting more than just chores, activites, and people; you've been neglecting a whole part of yourself.

Just remember that you have plenty of time, tons of chances, to make it all right again. Maybe you should make a list of your priorities.