6.19.2009

when i was a child, i caught a fleeting glimpse...

....out of the corner of my eye.
i turned to look, but it was gone.
i cannot put my finger on it now.


that's kind of where i think the Funk is. it's so far gone right now.

you know how our thoughts become our reality, right? well, today is the first bit of real proof that i've headed to a very not-good place and it's starting to manifest in my daily life. it might seem small, locking my keys in my work truck, but now i'm late for an appointment. the locksmith is going to set me back about sixty dollars, after already being set back $400 this month due to a dead computer and a cell phone plan that couldn't keep up with my job. the speakers on the Funkmobile died a few days ago, i just can't kick this bronchitis (still!), and i'm behind on paperwork for work again.

little things are starting to fall apart on me, and i know half of it is because i'm not in the right headspace. but i don't know how to get out of it. there's so much going on around me. and while the majority of it is work-related, i feel so overwhelmed right now that any new information is just making me break down. the smallest stress now is causing me to overload and have panic attacks. ...like last night. and it happened in front of my best friend. if it had to be anyone, i'm glad it was her. but still. i hate that it was in front of anyone. i hate that i had one at all. i should have more control over myself, and should have shoved it down.

but speaking of shoving things down...you ever have an overfull suitcase that just will not shut no matter how much you sit on it? yeah. there's no more room.

there's...just...no...more...room.

as for priorities? work, school, family, and something else i'm not ready to mention here. they're all priorities, and they're all important, and they all deserve as much time as i can give them. everything else has already been dropped. if i drop any more, i cross the line into the disappointing-the-people-who-love-me territory.

i cannot and will not do that. fuck, i don't know what to do anymore.

6 comments:

Louis Lamp said...

Short time reader, first time commenter...

I think, when there is a good day where you can kick back for a few hours, a friend of mine actually has a syllabus for sanity, as its own area of study. He's the guy I poked you about introducing you to.

I make no guarantees or whatnot (heck, I dropped my shorts at band rehearsal last night)... and as some folks say 'sanity is in short supply here'.

Anywho, let me know if you want me to call him, or if there's anything else I can do... I'm the one who's supposed to be sideways.

Jane said...

Oh my dear Goddess....I don't think I need any further proof that we were separated at birth. The panic attacks. In the beginning of May, I went to a play with Breen. We sat down and as the play started, I suddenly couldn't breathe very well. I had to get up and go down to the basement area of the building where I remained until intermission. I didn't know at the time it was a panic attack. Weeks followed and I continued to have "shortness of breath" in various situations. Then, one Saturday, I was driving with my daughter and I nearly passed out behind the wheel. After that, I was afraid to drive in the car anywhere. I didn't really want to leave the house. Pure anxiety and panic hit me all the time, I knew that I was having panic attacks and I knew that I needed to slow down and really take a very close look at my life. I had just gotten remarried, I was just laid off from my 7 year job and I could no longer stuff my feelings inside like I had done for over a dozen years. I have listened to the signs. I've slowed down and thank the Gods that my attacks are under control.

Sorry to ramble, but you know me!! It pains me to see that you already know that you need to slow down. The universe is screaming at you. Panic attacks are a wake up call. You already know that things are spinning out of control for you. Don't keep stuffing things down. Call me, call me, call me :)))

This Guy said...

OK Breath darling! You are SO in tune with Nature right now, and the rest of us.. I think you are my long lost twin sister! LOL It might be Jupiter in Retrograde too. Everyone has caught this funk lately, please don't think you are EVER alone in this. Feel ya with the cell phone, just forked out 250$ for mine to get back on.. and your car? Yeah, bounced my rent check last month cause of my fucking car and fucking e test. I could have kicked a kitten through an electric fan..

You've been in this rut for ages, its starting to take its tole on you. I hope you aren't forgetting that you are a fucking STRONG AMAZING WOMAN?? Are you forgetting this?? DONT!! Deep breath, you will overcome all of this, don't doubt it for a second. You are just in a cycle right now. We all cycle, everything from planets, to seasons, to your period. The cycle will end soon and life will get back to normal, have faith, trust.. Smile and Breath.

Genie Sea said...

Funkmeister! CHUCK THE SUITCASE! It's probably full of things you don't need anyway! You can do it iGoddess of the Funkalicious Grooviness. Out of that headspace! You're hereby EVICTED from it. Take a walk in the sunshine! It's an order :)

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Ohhh...life can really suck, can't it?
All I can say is you have guts...use them NOW. Look back and remember the trails you've already blazed.
You can get through this...baby steps will get you there and all those other cliches are TRUE.
Sending you peaceful hugs and understanding.

peace, sista, peace.

pussygata said...

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

-K Gibran