written meditation

y'know, i'm sure there's a really fantastic quote out there about reconnecting with one's self, about the imbalance that happens when one's life becomes too external and how cheated the soul can feel when you haven't given it enough attention, et cetera.

well, you won't find that here.

my last entry posted something about how my life was going so well that i really didn't see the need to sit down and wax fantastic about how awesome my life is. there was gratitude daily and positivity and creativity and all these -itys, and abundance and the affirmation of family.

yup.

but...i miss me.

and...i miss my iVillage. i miss the company of women and the brainstorming and language that's so uniquely female.

i can laugh about it now, but dear gods, did it really take until 30 to realize that i need to be a woman?

it's not so much that there's a ton going on, or that i'm overwhelmed, or that things have totally gone downhill and i'm just here to rant or vent or what-have-you. i'm actually just here because i once again feel like i have no one to talk to...and i just have a lot to get off my chest. so i'm here to toss it all on the blog. everyone's busy, everyone's loud. i hate having to shout down everyone in the room just so i can get in a fucking sentence without being totally bowled over. i hate being interrupted, having my topic of conversation totally taken away from me. i hate talking to someone but feeling like i might as well be in an empty room.

i'm wondering where my power went. i certainly know where my energy went, and it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to make myself heard in a room full of people who aren't listening so much as waiting for their turn to speak.

if this is the only place where i can actually feel heard, then so be it. i've tried to be something i'm not for most of my life, and i simply don't play that game anymore. so i'm not even going to bother. i'm a quiet soul, actually. if people are too busy, or too loud, or too preoccupied with trying to dominate a room, then they're not worth hearing what i have to say. they don't have to.

i just really need to be heard. but i need space where i can talk. this seems to be the only place i have.

and considering i've got a baby on the way (*grin*), i've got a lot on my mind.