2.16.2010

couldn't've said it better

You might call it spiritual logistics, Delena, but sometimes you have to move away, to get closer.

Or you might just call it weird.

Either way, it helps to remember it from time to time.
Tallyho,
The Universe

(And while we're at it, Delena, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was there all along.)


i swear, i couldn't have said it better. sometimes i think "succinct" is a gift...and it's one i don't have. today's note from the universe summed up the last few days. you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would?) how many people asked me in that tone of voice why on earth i was trying to fix things with the ex-bf and be a family, especially when i really want so very badly to be a single mom.

the answer, "because i believe in living compassionately and making the difficult-yet-right choices," didn't really make sense without context, but if there's one thing that i'm not, it's succinct.

so i think it's a gift.

this Note says it all. putting my faith in distance, demonstrating that i'm not just "full of talk" but am more than ready and willing to do whatever's necessary to protect my child(ren), yet also willing to put my faith in compassion isn't easy, but it's the right thing to do.

and it paid off. it was a nerve-wracking two days and nights, and i swear to all the gods i can think of, there were a couple of times when abortion honestly looked like the only solution (i'm not kidding). but compassion finally outlasted his cynicism.

it wasn't at all beautiful. it came about because i had finally realized that as soon as i dropped the ex-bf off at his apartment, i was going to call up my dr's office and make an appointment for an abortion. the peace talks had failed, and his verbal abuse and threats wouldn't stop. when i say that it was the only sane choice, believe me when i say i am not kidding.

the prospect made me so sad that i couldn't help showing it (damn those pregnancy hormones!) , and it was the simple fact that i was actually crying that finally made him stop and rethink a few things. (this only really carries weight if you know beforehand that i am not the type to cry even when i'm entitled to, and that despite the roller coaster and struggle this whole time, not once have i cried even with all these hormones.)

at least his defenses finally --finally-- came down.

not once did i give up on compassion, nor did i rise to the bait and go on the offensive myself. i felt like a tide breaker during a storm, wave after wave smashing against me. i hadn't eaten since early sunday evening (watching a Godfather marathon with my dad), had slept very little, and it isn't like i have these huge energy reserves lately.

but it worked. seriously, i kept an image of the dalai lama in my mind the whole time, trying to live up to his example. it gives me a whole new appreciation for the remarkableness of that little holy man, especially compared to my own clumsy efforts.


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