brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): The bumper sticker I saw today said, "Having abandoned my search for the truth, I'm now looking for a good fantasy." Though it's meant to be sarcastic, it's actually a perfectly useful piece of advice for you right now. Consider this: The truth is overrated. It's so complicated and ever-shifting that it's impossible to pin down. To earnestly persue it is often a waste of your valuable time and energy. Besides, why bother to "understand" the nature of reality when it's more important and productive to aggressively "shape" the nature of reality? Another bumper sticker says, "Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself." In light of these meditations, Capricorn, I suggest you drum up some fresh, fun, fabulous fantasies.

again with the, "well..." reaction.

thank you for your patience while iGoddess took a much-needed break. i've just been so tired lately. even now, i'm fucking tired, but i'm posting because i've been thinking about it for a few days.

it's kinda funny that mr. brezsny would tell me this today. last week, i was to be the paint, not the painter. let myself be shaped, created, influenced into a masterpiece. and i did. i sought knowledge, information, advice, painful and fun truths. i did exercises and meditations of the painfully psycho-therapudic variety.

they were tough. i did them anyway. it was actually rather purging and satisfying to be so painfully honest with myself, like once i got it on paper i didn't have to keep the nasty secrets anymore. things i've never even dared to consider saying out loud before. secrets i either minimized or completely kept from myself. i let myself be molded...or, rather, de-molded.

i was the paint.

this week, now, i am to create myself and find myself a damn good fantasy. and believing as i do that the spiritual creates the physical (thought creates reality), those fantasies are going to turn into reality. maybe not soon, but they'll be created at some point. sooner rather than later, because i believe it, dammit.

brezsny says it so much better than i do. truth is like a parfait, yeah. truth is like an ogre (hehe). "truth is so complicated and ever-shifting that it's impossible to pin down." i like that a lot. the truth is also open to interpretation, and everyone's truth is true. some are more true than others, i.e. when someone says it's truth that it's okay to do murder.

yeah, that's just wrong, but for them it's true. of course, then it becomes true for us to have to incarcerate people for whom truth like that is real. it's all true.

wow, it's too late at night and i'm too tired to keep up that train of thought.

for some reason, the words of tyler durden play in my head when i think of some fresh, fun, fabulous fantasies: in the world i see -- you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of rockefeller center. you'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. you'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the sears tower. and when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway...

i remember the dream i once had of the megillah breaking the world, of scouting a family who abandoned their beautiful baby son and bringing him back with me to the enclave where one more mouth would be a trial on the provisions already spread thin.

i remember the dreams i've been having lately, of taking the throne rightfully mine in a kingdom that has been awaiting my return. the procession of my royal cousins heralds my entrance in a grand hall where the vast royal family, nobles, and my subjects rise to watch me take my place as their queen, every single one of them joyful beyond words. or the dreams of me finding abandoned children, infants who can't even lift their heads yet when i find them, yet when the mother in me responds and i pick them up, suddenly they're grown and don't need me, and there's an ache inside so terrible i have to wake up from the dream in order to get away from it. i dream of lovers who want someone else or who are oblivious to my love, and i say "fuck it" and leave them, because running free and hurting is better than staying and compromising the dignity and self respect of the queen on her throne, if that makes any sense. i dream of trying to get somewhere but having the wrong bus ticket.

no wonder i haven't been sleeping lately. no wonder i avoid sleep until i pass out from exhaustion. seemingly contradictory dreams. i know they mean something. they're not the fantasy-reality i want, though.

bah. who wants to understand the nature of reality, anyway, when it's much more important and productive to aggressively "shape" the nature of it? lots of things happening, though. i think i'm still in "be the paint" mode.