the dark side of Funk

forgive the lack of new material here at iGoddess lately. however, judging from the complete lack of comments or blog-generated emails, and the fact that my site meter shows 85% of viewers staying for two seconds or less in the last, oh...two months, lack of new material will not be so painfully missed, i think.

i can only plead a low spirit lately, and mental exhaustion. ever since my last post --and, indeed, even before it-- my mind has been in overdrive. considering the memories it's bringing up, my heart is a bit tired, as well.

a huge difference between former delena and Delena of the Divine Wow is that, after a week like this, i'd have been up to my eyeballs in depression and emo-fucktardism.

yes, jesus said blessed are the fucktards, but still. doesn't mean i want to be one of them.

i'm just tired, and really don't feel like writing.

i forgave the bio-dad the other day. well, not forgave, forgave. but i did let go of my resentment and hatred. i'm not angry about it anymore. i figured out where fits the Funk. there was gonna be this beautifully and funkily inspiring post about it in brezsny-on-the-blog, but i'm just...tired. there may not be forgiveness yet, but there's understanding (which i believe is more important and imminently leads to forgiveness) and...sympathy. and sadness. he couldn't have helped how he treated us, not really. not without a lot of intervention which, naturally and not entirely his own fault, he would have mightily resisted.

as i resisted. without even knowing i was resisting.

and, honestly, there's no other way i could have been raised. honesty is a painful thing, but i've always strived to be honest.

honesty is like an ogre, which is like an onion, and if you haven't seen shrek you so totally won't get my joke. but anyway, honesty's like an onion. you peel away one layer which is true, only to find a layer beneath which is even more true than the layer in your hand. that doesn't make the peeled-away layer any less true. it's just...the truth beneath is a more distilled version of the truth in your hand. they're both true, even if one contradicts the other.

"make a vessel of the self where the self is not," and...

"power lies in yielding, to spring back upright, eternal, having let all cruelties of the world pass over you. having marred the vessel, perhaps, but not the self."

one of these quotes is mine, one is not. and all of them have to do with why i'm just so damn tired. mayhap iGoddess will be back next week, fresh and funky as ever.