"because i can't bear it"

i finally found a way to get through one day and to the next. it required a lot of mental tweaking and shifting my inner vision. of course, that left all the physical aftermath...but maybe i should start at the beginning.

after i posted my latest haiku, i really started thinking. back on monday, it was a really horrible day. the kind of day that actually made me cry. of course, we're talking the sinuses got full of pressure, and my eyes watered so much i actually had to wipe them. that's as far as it went, but that's way further than i ever like to go. i hate crying, and i've been doing so much of it lately that now i hate it even more and get seriously impatient with myself when i catch myself going there. of course, i was still emotionally exhausted after my last struggle with *m*. it always takes me a while to unwind from one of those things.

i got home and headed straight for bed, just wanting to curl into the fetal and recover. he came to sit next to me on the bed. i curled around him wanting nothing more than to feel his hand on my back until i came back up from the abyss into which i'd been sinking all day. these mental and emotional shifts actually take quite a bit of time, and i know that he doesn't have the stomach to give me the kind of physical presence i actually need. so i kept up a chatty monologue about my day, trying to keep him there as long as possible. but i couldn't relax because i knew the minute i did, and just enjoyed his presence around me, he'd get up to leave. so i kept talking even though every word was a serious struggle.

finally, unable to stand his fidgeting any longer, i said, "i bet you're bored now and want to get up to do better things." this was his cue, if he'd wanted to take it, that he could leave since that's most likely what he wanted to do anyway. before i relaxed, before i trusted, before i let myself just disappear in him for a while, before i let myself count on him, i was giving him an out because i now know he hates this sort of thing. but he declined and said he could sit there. so i closed my eyes and finally let myself recharge -- his closeness and touch being the things that finally began to ground me back into myself.

and after i finally let go, that's when he got up. after i trusted, after i let myself count on him. he was getting a blanket, preparing to tuck me in so he could go back to his videogaming, and i just hopped off the bed without a word and went to take a shower.

it's like starving for weeks, being led to a sumptuous meal, and you don't pick up a fork until you've made absolutely sure that you're allowed to eat. and the minute you grab your fork and are assured you can eat anything that's being served, and you taste the wonderful dishes and your stomach growls and twists because your appetite's finally whetted, suddenly the entire table is just whisked away and you're hungrier than ever.

in the shower that evening, i stopped needing him. i thought i stopped wanting him, too, but the next day i was filled with this hostility that completely took me by surprise. that night, coming to bed, *m* put his hand on my shoulder. i snuggled in closer, letting myself enjoy his closeness and wanting that hand on my shoulder to be an arm across my chest. but the closer i snuggled to him, the more he pulled in on himself. that hand on my shoulder became braced on my shoulder, a subtle push to keep me away.

so i rolled over, gave him my back, and decided i would never show my want again. i started going to the gym instead, pushing myself as hard as i could until every muscle quivered with exhaustion. i run for miles every day now, lift weights until i burn, and my pilates are an exercise in physical punishment. food and alcohol are mere numbing agents to be used when i can't be physically active. my favorite videogame --elder scrolls: oblivion-- is an avenue to siphon some of this hostility into killing things that won't get me arrested.

last night he wanted to go to bed when i was, but i told him not to. i told him i couldn't bear it anymore. and his tone when he said, "you can't bear it anymore...okaaayyy..." told me he didn't understand. but instead of asking for any sort of clarification, he walked away. and he stayed away until five this morning, when he finally crawled into bed. whenever he doesn't understand something about me, he says that infuriating, "okaaayyyy..." and walks away.

he never strives for understanding. he doesn't even really give a shit where i'm coming from.

it's easier to look at him and train myself to just see a roomate who just so happens to take up most of the space in my bed. it's easier, because the alternative is to look at someone who supposedly loved me enough to move here to be with me, and know that he rejects me on a daily basis. he went to kiss me as i left for work yesterday and i pulled away. i was honestly, and very seriously, taken by surprise and very wary. i hadn't been expecting it, not to mention he hadn't so much as touched more than my shoulder in over a week, and he wanted a kiss?

so i pulled away from him and didn't kiss him. i told him it was just weird. why would my roomate want to kiss me? of course, the alternative way to look at it would be that my lover can reject my desire for kisses whenever he wanted --to include pushing me away and saying "okay, enough,"-- and yet when he wanted a kiss, i had to thank my lucky stars and give him what he wants.

we sit on the couch and either watch each other play oblivion with very little conversation, or we watch what he wants to watch on television. i rarely have an opinion because i don't watch that much fucking t.v. (i have better things to do with my brain, thanks), and we sit there like strangers. or, worse yet, like my bio-parents who vegged out at the end of the day and refused to interact together. we're just roomates.

and i can't bear it. *t* --and everyone in the salon-- says that he just needs to find a job and he'll feel like a man again and relax. great, thanks. everyone's first response is that i need to respect his manhood. and yet here he is, every day, rejecting and ignoring my womanhood and making me feel less like a woman every day. i've been through this before with big *c*. pretty soon there'll be no woman left, and it'll be my humanity i begin to lose touch with.

but don't worry. i've lived through this before and i know how. i stopped needing him, i don't count on him for anything, and i funnel my wanting into things that exhaust me to the point where i can't even think. because i can't bear it.


Bhavana said...

oh delena, my heart goes out to you. screw respecting his manhood. I would personally shove my womanhood is face and make him respect that. speak up for yourself sweetheart. we'll be here for you. big hugs doll

Greggo said...

started a comment here, but ended up sending you an email instead. i guess you can consider this an addendum.

i didn't read this blog for a while, both because i suspected you didn't want me to, and because i knew i lacked the strength to keep from commenting on whatever you might be going through.

for both of those reasons, and because i have no place in your life anymore, i'm now going to stop reading it again, but before i do, i just want to point out that when we started talking again, and i came back to this blog, it wasn't iGoddess anymore. the concepts of pronoia and finding the funk had fallen by the way. and it is tragic for the loss of inspiration to those who read it, but so much more so to you, the one who was living like a pronoiac, who had been for all those months finding the secret gifts that life was offering her, and who was believing in herself as she always should have. as you should now.

with *m* or without, you need to find your iGoddess again. i pray that you do.

with love,

Az said...

*hugs you while hoping things start to get better asap*

Anonymous said...

uh ...yup, what greggo said.
Tough pill to swallow, I'm sure, but I think there's a ton of truth in what he wrote.

It sounds like you're heading over to "the bad place" and you must never, ever go there. Do not shut yourself off from your feelings.
Do not numb yourself to cope in this lover/room-mate/wtf situation. Do not hold things in to avoid conflict with him.

Lay your freaking funkalicious cards on the table that is your LIFE, and get this shit in order right now!
The tears are good. Let them wash all the toxic poisons from your soul...but when they stop, be yourself. Welcome your SELF back and he might too.

One more thing...and I don't want to push you "over the edge", but I can see the tiniest hint of sabotaging this relationship in your words...is this an igoddess mechanism to avoid being hurt?

Are you building that metaphoric brick wall between the lines of communication?

He's still there. If it gets to be too hard, he might leave, you know that.