i had my brain at my parents while there, since i had no access to the internet (not really). but i know i've mentioned that, wherever i go, i always have a brain in my purse should i want to write something down. i wrote this yesterday:
i don't know if this is even interesting or just morbid, or simply an example that yes, i am getting older... but i sat down and thought and dreamt of good and evil, love and hate, life and death a lot these last couple of weeks. with the nights growing colder, and the sun dying beneath the horizon earlier and earlier, it's easy to simply stay inside where it's bright and warm. yet now is when i find myself drawn outside to gaze up at the beauteous glory of the harvest moon and sigh in rapture at the frosty glow she casts at midnight.
i've never seen such a bright, knowing moon...
october sails by, eerily silent as a ghost ship in thick fog, and halloween approaches. with it comes the witches' New Year. less and less do i see the commercial trappings of merchants capitalizing on our sacred holiday, and each year i feel more deeply the undertow of the sacred and mysterious Life, Death, and Rebirth cycle.
i have felt this so keenly as of late, within my own body and spirit as well as all around me. yesterday i began bleeding, right after the height of the full moon was past. this, too, is fitting, i think. it began as i slept --apt, don't you think, metaphorically?-- and while a force inside the deepest part of me died, its death throes triggered the release of a new force just beginning its own journey. life begets death begets life. perfect and beautiful balance.
a few days ago i dreamt of a conversation between Good and Evil. it was quite the discussion, taking place at the beginning of time. all of the other archetypical forces had been spoken for, all the fun ones like war and peace, wine and beer, wisdom, blacksmithing, debauchery. and then, regarding one another with a heavy sense of responsibility, they stood up as one and said, "okay, we'll take Good and Evil," knowing it would pit one against the other until Doomsday.
Good was just as grave a decision as who would take Evil, knowing balance must always be maintained. "well," said Good, "i know you only do your duty, so i will hold nothing against you at the End. but from now until the End of Time, i and my agents will fight you with all at our disposal."
Evil gave a gracious bow. "and so will i you, old friend. i would have it no other way."
thus was born another pair: Friend, and Enemy.
and then Evil regarded Good and said thoughtfully, "i suppose if you will have your agents, i must have mine. where you will have Buddha and Lincoln, Jesus and Ghandi and Lennon, i must have my Hitler and Manson, my Inquisition. i will grant you have Harriet Tubman, the Magdelene, the Make a Wish Foundation. but i will have the Duchess Elizabeth Bathory, Lee Harvey Oswald, Enron, and Starbuck's." Evil waved a hand lazily. "you can save the whales, but i'll destroy the ozone. you get green energy, but i definitely get the alien invasion down the line. after all, there must always be maintained a balance."
"very well," said Good. "but do not forget the little things, as well. you may have your murderers and pedophiles, rapists and abusers of women, children, and animals. you may even have your politicians, oil moguls, and schoolyard bullies. but oh! i shall have policemen, and firemen, and trainers of search-and-rescue dogs. i will have healers for every type of physical and psychological ailment your agents create. i'll have stay-at-home moms and heroic single parents. i'll have good samaritans and Humane Society volunteers. i'll have artists of every breed, and common people spontaneously creating iVillages and eCommunities to band together and bond together in support and Hope."
Evil narrowed eyes in thought, regarding Good for a long while before laughing. "impressive."
Good grinned back. "i know."
they shook hands as friends, parted as enemies, and we have lived under their dichotomy ever since. the great irony is that, in the end, whoever wins is a moot point. it won't matter because the balance will have been maintained. it's not whether Good or Evil triumphs in the world or out in the wide universe. it only matters what wins out in ourselves.
love and hate? while by no means simple, my dance with them was brief and easy once i was honest with myself regarding my true nature. i love my bio-mom, but my silence is my answer: for what she's done, and the truth she revealed, there is no room for her in my life. for *k*, it's no different than the million other women out there giving birth, all of them strangers with no bearing on my life. for my family, mine was the story of the ugly duckling, finding others with my funky-beautiful plumage in the springtime of my life.
i don't know that my bio-family would ever understand. but my soul high-tailed it up to oregon and is happily munching on spiritual milk and cookies in someone else's kitchen.
we go where feeds the soul. we go where the song will sing flesh back onto our bones, where the well of emotion will slake our great thirst for purpose, fulfillment, and belonging. we go where we are loved, and it is in the loving we learn the steps of the deeper dance of Life, Death, and Rebirth. to make love is to dance the dance. to truly live is to dance.
find where you are truly alive, and you will find friendship, kinship, and the lover's intimate knowledge of Life and Death and Rebirth, of Good and Evil, of Love and Hate and Indifference.
only, remember: the greatest of these is Love.
may the Funk be with you.