to my iVillage

Dear Sisters of Funk,

You have read my tales through many years of everything it is to be a woman. You've cooed with me through the sweet in life, rejoiced with me in victory; you've died laughing at my antics and the funny in life, and reached out to me through the painful.

I know life has me by the nape of the neck right now; I haven't yet figured out how to take control of everything on my plate, though with more free time now I'll be able to make that happen. But I haven't been there for you lately, to leave the supportive comments on your blogs, or in your email boxes, like I should and like I used to.

But...I know you're still there for me. The last couple days I have really appreciated your support. You remind me of who I am: Delena of the Funkywild. You help me see that right now I'm only trapped in my insecurity, and that my own exhaustion and overwhelm helped make me susceptible to my Inner Flaming Narcissist once again.

Because as we all know, being the Divalicious Funkmasters we are, that insecurity is nothing more than self-absorption married to fear.

Inspired by your love, my sisters, and drawing from your strength and support as my own strength has waned lately, I hereby summon my Inner Flaming Narcissist and banish that bitch to the little box in my head where she belongs. Instead of waiting for someone to come to me, to help me get out of this, I called on a friend instead. I called her.

Led by your example, my sisters, I called upon someone I knew beyond a shadow of doubt would be there for me...and she was. I'm getting ready to go meet her right now, so we can have fun together, and she will help me lift myself back up, and remind me of my beautiful soul, and show me the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising and every breath is a precious gift.

I woke this morning feeling so lost and desperate, and just the memory of it makes tears burn behind my eyes. I don't understand why it's so damn difficult to find someone worthy of me, and what inspires someone to want to tear down a Funkmaster and treat her like shit. Works of art are we, and I never hear of anyone wanting to spray-paint obscenities upon the Mona Lisa or throw a rock through the windows of Notre Dame.

But I'm getting up. I'm making myself get up, and I'm going to banish my Narcissist and eat the damn frog of Insecurity. He's a bastard going down, that's for damn sure.

But I'm fucking eating that frog, godsdammit. My sisters, I was strongly moved to tell you how much I love you all, and how much I have to attribute today --the first day of my recovery-- to your strength. I agree with all your comments you've left the last few days. I love you all for them. Especially all of you; you all said something that hit me to my core. Thank you for keeping me on the right track.

I love you all.