boot to the head

i remember when i was breaking up with *m* --over the couple months when i struggled with it-- *cc* and dad kept telling me that i was too generous with my heart, and forgave way too much. i kept telling them, "no, that's what you do when you love someone. i have to be true to that."

it's not quite obligatory, but it's an obligation. it's not quite duty, but it's duty-bound. it's love...and for love...you believe the impossible.

you just do.

i did it for my bio-dad; i did it for *jd* ('cause i thought it was love, oi...); i did it for big *c*; i did it for willow; i did it for richard; i did it for *m*. and i've done it for over a year for *ds* and *ks*.

*cc* tells me i never learn. she loves to tell me "i told you so." and she loves to make that gesture where you slap one hand against another, as if to say, "ima smack you upside the head. how could you be so stupid?"

and part of me always feels the recrimination. she's right. how could i be so stupid? but...how could i not? you do things for family you don't do for anyone else. you put up with tons for family you don't for anyone else. hell...i've put up with criticism and name-calling from my chappelle family because i stuck by my silverfox family. it was damn difficult.

damn difficult. ...but it's family, right? you pull off the impossible for family. and they're my family, too. unless they don't want to be. of course, that's a horse of a different lie color.

i really didn't want to believe it, because their transformations only a few short months ago was unbelievably amazing. and i was so proud of and excited for them. when no one else believed in them, after so many friends had deserted them, i stuck with them and loved them. in my adopted family, that loyalty cost me. but...they're family, too, so they accepted it.

it's like...the last little while, i've had suspicions, but i kept telling myself that it was just my imagination. they were so adamant about not falling backwards, and i wasn't about to precipitate the belief that i'd lost faith in them. i kept treating them like they wanted to be treated, with the maturity that they pretty much demanded i give them. and it blew up in my face. so...what do you do when it all dissolves like tissue paper in the rain? that "fuck off" was in defense against unhealthy, destructive habits. only the oblivious so viciously defend their bad habits like that. and the oblivious are usually only the unawakened.

what about when you become conscious to the point where you are embracing healthier, more constructive belief systems, and then regress to the point where it seems no progress at all has been made? forgive the catholic references, but it's the only thing that comes to mind. but it's like during the inquisition in the 14th century, when a pagan would convert to christianity and then relapse back into paganism. such a person was declared relapso or relapsa and burned at the stake. such a regression was unforgiveable...in the eyes of the church.

now, i'm not saying that it's unforgiveable. but it's the only comparison i can make. it feels just as devastating, although considering my pattern i really shouldn't be surprised. once more, in my desire to believe in the best of people i loved and cared about, it made me blind to just how stupid i was being. do i give up caring about people like that? no, obviously not. but there's an obvious problem, because i keep believing in people who end up being the wrong people. i have a serious lack of good judgement when it comes to people. i try too hard to believe they're capable of too much. ...i don't know what you would call a character flaw like that. it causes me a lot of grief. of course, the holosync student in me would tell myself that my grief is just me focusing on what i don't want: in this case, focusing on my disappointment.

i never get used to the sense of betrayal. insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. however, how the hell do i avoid this and not grow so cynical i end up not believing in anyone? people say they want help. they're sincere. i help them, they accomplish difficult and phenominal change...then when the difficult part comes...you know, the part where you have to hold the tension long enough for the old ways to die and the new life to emerge (and if you've truly been there, you know how it can feel like forever)...they let go and say "fuck it." i boost them up and say, "can't stop now!" and i get a boot to the head. i don't want to be so cynical, so removed from my heartspace and empathy. but i don't want to keep ending up in this place, either.

i tried to be supportive. i tried to be tough when they asked me to be. you know, the whole "if we seem to be slipping, give us the boot to the ass we know we need." every time i've done that, however, i've pretty much been told to fuck off in some form or other. it feels like i've been asked to simply be a fair weather friend, to support them when they're doing good, but when they're fucking up i better as hell keep my mouth shut.

love doesn't work like that.

of course, love doesn't ignore you when you say, "i feel disrespected." so i suppose i haven't been receiving love from them for a while, anyway. i wasn't looking for recourse or anything; i simply wanted to be acknowledged, to be heard. of course, in retrospect, they've been regressing far longer than i've been willing to admit, so i suppose being ignored shouldn't be all that surprising. the self-absorption kicked in long ago.

love isn't all sunshine and puppies; sometimes it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. i've grit my teeth through many a broken hallelujah. i've done it in memory of all those people who were there giving me support and believing in me. i've also worked damn hard at excising my pride, crutch of the insecure. we're talking the ego-centric pride, not the genuine pride of a job well done, or of conquering writer's block. i've done so much work, difficult and unseen, so i can continue to grow and help others i find along the path.

i never would have gotten here without people who wanted to help. i continually try and fail to express that gratitude for them.

it makes me sad. i've seen it coming. i've known for a long time it was coming. i prayed fiercely that i was wrong and looked the other way. looked for what else it might've been that i was feeling and sensing. part of it is the simple fact that, when i was sick and crazy and the world was falling apart, i had people who believed in me even when they really had no cause to. even when i was quite the queen of batshit. *ks* even jumped in the car with me so i wouldn't jump off the 205 bridge. crazy. yeah. and they were there for me when i didn't deserve it. if they hadn't, the gods only know if i'd be alive. i had to give what i'd received, to "pay it forward," i suppose. i feel a very strong desire and drive to pay it forward. i'm so grateful to the people who believed in me; they made such a difference in my life. what if i could be that difference for someone else?
on the off-chance i can, i never wanted to miss an opportunity.

i had to be there for them. it was like a calling...and it was love. and i get told to fuck off.

i'm in the wrong business. i shouldn't be helping people who are one foot in the gutter looking for enlightenment. i should be looking for people who are already firmly on the stairway to heaven and simply need company on their own way up.

i'll never make a good therapist...but i'd make a fantastic life coach.

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