8.09.2007

venus envy

when the Funk made the heavens and the earth and the infinite possibilities of the multiverse, either it never considered the very real possibility that Man and Woman would pop out of that, or it knew and went ahead with the plan anyway.

lemme just go on record saying that the Jiggy Snake's got one sick sense of humor.

you know that whole men are from mars, women are from venus crap? i used to think it was a load of bunk. men are from earth, women are from earth. deal with it.

now i'm not so sure.

remember when i got on my soapbox and ranted about phallocratic sex? i revealed some really personal things about myself that day. in fact, you could say what i wrote was just shy of a copy of the surefire handbook to delena's erotic pleasure. sure, you have to read between the lines in places, but it's not like i made it difficult. and in some places i state plain as day exactly what i'm looking for.

why, you ask, am i writing about it now? well, i'm experiencing a little technical difficulty in the bedroom. once again the phallocratic-sex monster's rearing its ugly head in my presence, and it's really getting in the way of enjoying sex. not that there's really anything wrong with a phallocratically sexual male, it just means the poor boy needs a bit of re-education. and while cognitively, my idaho boy knows that the world --and sex-- do not revolve around his cock (to his everlasting credit!), his behavior and some of the things he says strongly indicate he's geared toward boring-ass phallocratic, penis-in-the-vagina, the cock is the center of the universe sex.

this makes for a rather sexually frustrated delena.

i've talked to quite a few females about the particulars of my dilemma and, the thing is, all of them right away see exactly what the problem is. however they, like myself, see no solution to it, either.

however, it's really highlighted for me just how extremely different men and women are. when i describe the things i do, how things progress in bed --from foreplay to the finale-- they immediately see exactly what it is i'm craving. it's so screaming obvious to them it's...well...bloody screaming obvious. and all of them have said or asked the same thing, almost verbatim, even: "and the hint isn't picked up when you're doing those things to him?"

see, it's obvious to all the women i talk to that what i want is everything i'm giving. from the random neck rubs given without request, to the petting first thing when we wake up, to the solid hour of head-to-toe kissing, to intuiting what he likes and doesn't like simply by his sighs and body language...all of it. i am quite literally demonstrating every single dang thing i want from him, and women find this so bloody obvious it's really not all that funny.

and yet so many women have such a hard time receiving reciprocal passion and satisfaction from their partners. men apparently need for us to spell things out for them, to the point of it becoming killjoy and thereby wiping out all trace of sexual desire right out of us. for the most part, i've come to realize women hate --HATE-- having to direct or conduct during sex. if we have to ask for it, or demand it, the desire evaporates faster than water on a hot skillet. it's a rare woman who actually has the substance to grab a man's hand and put it exactly where she wants it.

for most of us, that's considered insulting the man we're with to almost unforgivable degree. it's like we're calling him a stupid sonofabitch who can't fucking see the obvious, right to his face. isn't it obvious we want to be touched there? we're only pressing that part of our body into yours, grinding it gently against you. we sigh and arch our backs when you come even remotely near it, even by accident. some of us even moan and nod our heads a little, like "yes yes, more more." we are saying something, and still we get nothing.

the other difficulty i run into is my very strong aversion to asking him to do anything he doesn't want to do all on his own. i've been raped in the past. that is the ultimate definition of being made to do something you don't want to, and i never want to put another human being through anything remotely similar. however, i've painted myself into a corner now because, ironically, if he doesn't volunteer to do something on his own, i'm afraid as hell to ask for it.

i asked once, and immediately afterward he groaned about how much his back hurt. i felt like absolute shit, and humiliated. which, sadly, was totally unconducive to sex and exacerbated by the simple fact that i was buck naked and completely vulnerable because...well...he's my lover. not only did he not even seem to enjoy himself, the first words out of his mouth were a complaint.

i don't see myself asking for anything ever again, any time soon. i mentioned this to my female friends, and they all crooned their comfort and understanding and condolences. and they knew, intuitively, that complaints were exactly the wrong thing to vocalize. then they all ranted about how many times they've performed for their partners and the headaches, jaw aches, body parts that went numb, and sore backs they'd endured silently simply because they knew a complaint would kill the mood. they knew it was for their partner's pleasure and were therefore happy to endure a little discomfort. i knew exactly what they were talking about, because i'd endured the very same. i said, "all i do is just adjust my position, or lie down, or something, and keep going." and there were, "well DUH's!" all around.

it struck me just how different men and women really are. what might be the verbal equivalent of a smack upside the head and an unforgivable insult to us is nothing more than a polite and plainly spoken, kind request to them.



unfortunately, that can go for us women, too.

2 comments:

Bohemian Mom said...

...nodding.
I actually remained way longer than I should have, in a dyfunctional abusive relationship because the sex was so perfect.
Sooooooooo perfectly perfect!
I think it was the intensity of the relationship. When it was bad, it was very bad. But when it was good....omg.
Sorry, I have no advice...I think we all go through the same stuff though. It's like having sex with a blind virgin.

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