diary of a mad iGoddess

y'know, it's absolutely no secret that iGoddess has somehow lost its luster and delena has lost her Funk a long time ago. some of you, beauty and truth fans, are absolutely disgusted with me. greggo was particularly adamant and revolting in his expression of how he sees me now. but that's all right.

i've known. it's not like it's been any great secret to me.

but, y'know, something i wasn't aware of was what i was waiting for. turkey dinner the sunday before the actual Thanksgiving Day was held at my parents' house, and it was apparent to my father that something was wrong in the first five minutes of my entrance. probably less than that. and on that tuesday night, after i'd had my shower after work and was curled up on my customary chair in their living room, he asked me point-blank how things were with *m*. we had a very long talk, well past the witching hour.

it wasn't until i was lying in bed after that discussion that i realized i'd been waiting to talk to my parents about this whole thing before i actually made any decisions or took any action. i honestly didn't know if i was blowing this whole thing out of proportion, if i was being overly paranoid and hyper-sensitive due to my other shitty relationships, or what. but his final verdict --"give him the bum's rush, dear,"-- crystallized quite a few things for me.

it made me realize that no, i wasn't blowing this out of proportion. my thoughts of breaking up with him and kicking him back to idaho weren't unjustified or extreme. yes, this was damaging the hell out of me. no, i wasn't being unreasonable.

on the other hand, it also clarified a few other things for me.

no, i wasn't quite ready to give up just yet. love --and committment-- doesn't hightail it out of something at the first sign things are getting bad. and yes, believe it or not, there was still a sliver of love there.


so i asked my father for patience. i wanted to try one more time. after that, if nothing came of it, i would break it and be done.

this week at my parents', separated from *m*, did me a world of good. it gave me nothing but time to look at just how deeply depressed i was. i also got a chance to really think about my anger, and sort out which anger belonged at his feet, and which was directed at myself. and, frankly, how much anger was still being spent on big *c*, my bio-dad, and last summer.

quite a bit, actually.

there was one morning, before my week critter-sitting, that i was so bleak driving to work one morning i could only think of how to get out of it. and i looked at my arm, at my scars, and it crossed my mind there was one surefire way to get rid of this stupid, dragging bleakness. yes, i actually thought of burning. i haven't burned since january.

but i didn't burn.

i'm very proud of that.

so, aside from a few occasions --none of which ended well-- i really didn't talk to *m* all week. i wasn't even going to come home after the parents' had returned from hawaii. i was actually planning on couch-surfing until i heard one --just one-- "i miss you, i love you" or "please come home," from *m*. and if i didn't?

if i didn't hear anything like that from him before impatience and insulted, hurt temper overruled me, i was going to return home and kick him out of my entire beloved state of oregon.

so no, i don't believe he's the last man standing. i don't measure my worth against his treatment of me. there's nothing wrong with me. i'm just not stupid enough to do something so Final without much thought, much time and patience, and making absolutely, posi-fucking-tively sure there's No Other Way.

so mote it be, godsdammit.

1 comment:

Ravyn said...

Whatever your choice we support you fully, whether this stands or falls we are there for you. We love you for who you are not who you are or are not with. However; let no man come between you and your values...and remember change for no one but yourself.