so we come to the close of the Year of Secrets with its Season of Temporary Insanity, Invasion of the unFunk, the writing of the Funky Love Letter of Closure, the Inner Demon Tea Party and Imminent Fatal Gorge-Fest, the Multiversal Jiggy Snake and Funktastic Yayness, Delena of the Funkywild, and my return to How It Used To Be.
depressed much? you have no idea.
i suppose this is where i express what it is i've learned this year about life, about myself and the world around me. i suppose this is where people expect to hear that i've finally come to learn that i don't need a man to define me, that i don't need to be part of a pair to be complete and that, in fact, i am complete unto myself and giving away any part of that is to give away my fundamental power as Woman. or even as Human.
and to that i say THHHHHHBBBBBT--
the very thought makes me wanna fart really loud.
what i've learned is that I Am As Am. i've learned i am as am, and to deny that is to deny what it is to be delena. i deny my Self. if conflict is to come into collision or opposition as of one idea, desire, or activity with another, and if in psychiatry conflict is a mental/emotional struggle arising from opposing demands or impulses, then i have learned why my life has been conflict ever since that saturday morning on the patio when my calves and the backs of my knees came into intimate contact with a baseball bat.
i've been trying to be what everyone wants me to be, whether it's my bio-parents, my culture, the modern womens' movement, modern psychology, my friends, and even myself. but i am who is, and who was made to be as she is.
the latter half of this Year of Secrets has helped me see this.
it's archaic, provincial, and downright primeval, perhaps. so be it. so fucking be it.
i was made to be One of Two. i am complete unto myself, a whole person, yes. but when i shine is when i am one of two: one half of a working pair. and like a siamese twin, i will die when my other half stops working to help us flourish. he can be his own person all he wants to. this is all right with me. but my life's blood comes from when he tends to our partnership. i was made to be a partner, equal yet supporting. it's shown up in other aspects of my life as well: the faithful lieutenant, the devoted acolyte and successor (until the Kali Summer destroyed all hope of that), the support network at the salon. i shine when i am working towards the good of the whole, the good of the family, the flourishing of the partnership.
as i told *m* earlier today, everything about me was made and geared to be One of Two: when i truly love someone, when i hold him inside my body is the only time i truly know peace and the only time i feel whole. it occurs to me that eve was made for just this purpose, and yet my patroness is lilith.
i am no milksop to say, "as you wish," and lie complacently on bottom, do as i am told and yield all independence and individuality over to the masculine. fuck no. there is equality where i dwell, an honor and reverence for our different-yet-syncratic powers. and no matter how i may shrink in on myself from despair and pain (for depression and i are old friends and fall into familiar patterns quite easily), i never quit fighting.
lilith, the night mother, always reminds me of equality and retribution when she is denied her due. *m* had disrespected and disregarded my heart, body, and soul...the trinity of Self. so i told him as much, and then i ended it. and i didn't take him back when he asked.
but he did ask, and so i give him the chance everyone deserves when they ask for it. but i do not compromise my needs, and i do not put him first yet again. if he can earn back his place at my side, then i will be very happy to have him there. and i will happily admit that i will be better with him there, rather than incomplete like that lone sock in your drawer whose mate was devoured by the washing machine.
i also accepted that i am a denizen of despair and there are some depths i simply can't deny to myself. i tried for so long not to give in to my depression, trying to hold myself together by sheer force. my last blog post was myself finally allowing myself to plunge into those dark waters and swim as deep as i was able.
and yes, i burned again.
but as soon as i allowed myself to go that deep, then and only then was i able to begin the ascent into the light once more. trying to "be strong" and "not let him get to me" and "see i don't need a man to complete me" and all that other helpful-yet-not-understanding advice under which i was being buried...it was advice i knew was good, that i knew was "supposed" to be what was good for me. yet it was keeping me in this limbo of trying to force myself to rise above it when what i needed was to sink down into it. and if i touched the slimy, silty bottom of the black mere of despair, if i got the mud and algae of it under my fingernails and in my hair, then so be it.
--i learned i had to cut through the bonds of modern convention, thick and unforgiving as cold iron, and be as i had been made to be.
--if i am to rise above something, i must first sink into its very own cold, black depths.
--i am made to be One of Two. i define myself by my emotional ties and relationships, and i am nothing without them. the most important of these is the bond with my life partner, and i simply am not complete without his love.
--compasson is part of my calling, but equality and retribution are equally my calling and my power lies in the Darkness. my gods are not of light and healing and hearth, but of war, destruction, and the purpose of death to clear away what does not matter anymore.
--if nobody likes any part of this, they can suck it.
let the Year of Secrets be done. so fucking mote it be.