um, so...

i finally surrender.
love is not for me.

i know it's been a while since i've posted here. i really just, plain and simple, haven't cared enough to write anything. it's all negative, and i know the people who read this aren't gearing their lives for pain and sadness so i really haven't wanted to inundate my lovely readers with this crap. also, i've been thinking of nixing iGoddess and just returning to a plain, simple blog where i write about my life.

there is no Funk. pronoia was a vehicle i tried to operate to transport me to better and brighter places Within. well, it worked...until i tried to return to the real world where shit like that just doesn't work. i really am nothing but Something for other people to use, and i've finally just come to Accept it.

what's really sad is that i can't afford to break up with *m* because i can't pay for this apartment myself. his job doesn't start until the middle of next month (maybe), so i paid this month's rent and bills myself, and will pay next month's and most likely february's, too. it breaks me every month, but at least after he starts working, i'll be able to save half rent, so i have something to fall back on. right now, i have nothing.

ironically, my current encounter with anorexia is looking more and more financially reasonable. who can fucking eat when there's a.) no money, and b.) stress has me so flipping out that eating makes me sick? at least there's a benefit: my fat ass won't be so humiliating in another month or so. fuck.

boho mom made a request that i write a post just stating what's been going on lately. honestly, i don't have the endurance for that. let's just say that we can lump up everything that's been happening since just before he moved here, and add in intoxication every evening, plus refusal to eat (except sparingly), plus a complete and total return to where i was a year ago. i haven't burned, but i don't know if that's a good thing or not. the only thing that keeps me from burning is knowing that, whether or not i need to, i'd be so completely disappointed in myself that it would send me spiraling into such a dark place i'd be months coming out again.

he doesn't fit me. he doesn't fit me, and it's such a phenominal and astounding misfit that sometimes i'm too overwhelmed by the degree to really contemplate it for very long. i love to get to know myself, to think and learn and ask uncomfortable and challenging questions because i want To Know. his answer for all my questions is always the same: "i don't know." fights actually begin because i want to Know, and his "i don't know" is as much a placation as it is an avoidance, and i just can't respect someone who refuses to understand not only himself but the world around him.

he hasn't touched me, or instigated any intimacy since the middle of october. and when he did, i was simply a hole for him to jack off into. any concept, conversation, or exploration into the concept of Delena's Pleasure is met with offense, discomfort, and hostility. i'm sorry, but delena is Venus in Platforms, and i've been the embodiment of several men's fantasies. i'm Good. i let a person be free with his sexuality while reveling in my own. to be with someone who refuses to even consider the possibility of my sexuality is...anathema.

not to mention completely humiliating.

i had to invoke one of the first tenets of Witch-- personal responsibility-- before he'd even acknowledge the possibility of contributing to our problems. he told me that he doesn't feel he's done anything to warrant our current strife...meaning it's all me. all my fault. so, yeah, i just woke up one day and decided to revert to alcoholism again, to be depressed, to be swallowed in self-hatred and disgust, and feel unwanted and insignificant just for the pure fuck of it. yeah, i just woke up and felt like it for no reason.

i had to pull the religion card before he'd even consider the possibility of his part in this. and sure, for the last few days, he's been somewhat affectionate. he still hasn't answered a single question i've posed to him. all his answers are the same: "i don't know." i refuse to believe he's that obtuse, that he's that stupid and unaware. then again, if he really doesn't ever think about these things, he's really not the most spectacular fit for me, either.

even if he loves me in his own undemonstrative, diminutizing (is that a word???), taciturn, completely hidden and unspoken way. i have to demand a hug. i have to guilt him into showing me physical affection, and i still haven't been viewed as the sexual goddess i am.

and yet, when i asked him how he'd feel if i asked if i could see other people, he said that would suck. "why?" i said. "you have no physical claim on me, and you have only a whisper of an emotional one on me. why would it suck?"

it actually sparked another fight because he got so pissed i actually wanted an answer other than "i don't know."

and yet, i know myself. i'll put up with this until i wake up one day and realize i'm completely dead inside and all i can think of is a nice cup of foxglove tea. if i do kill myself, it'll be with foxglove. i just know it in my heart it'll be a painful, slow-acting poison. it's how i've lived my whole live, slowly dying by emotional poison. it'll be a fitting way to go, and i know it and accept it. i'm just so damn, fucking sick of hearing professions of love from men who only end up either abusing me, subjugating me, or shunning and neglecting me. i'm so damn sick of it.

and i want love so fucking badly it's actually pathetic and disgusting. i want a husband and children, happily living life, so that i can know in my soul that what i grew up with actually had meaning. otherwise i'm just a piece of extraneous shit that no one really has use for.

and, actually, i could Accept that truth, too, if i didn't want to be loved, just loved, so fucking badly. and it's pathetic, and i know it. fucking lovely.


Greggo said...

everybody wants to be loved. that's not pathetic. everybody wants that magical thing where you're with someone who treasures you the way you treasure them. i wanted that from you at one time, only to find all these years later that you thought my love for you was twisted and weird, and is now met with indifference. so? i just go on. you just go on.

i'm not clear on how finding the wrong guy proves to you that there is no right guy. it just proves that *m* is the wrong guy. *big c* was the wrong guy. *n* was the wrong guy. i'm the wrong guy. there are billions of wrong guys. and there are prolly thousands of right guys.

but what you've really lost sight of is the fact that it doesn't matter if or when you find the right guy. you're still you. you can delete iGoddess, but it will still be you. the night we had our 'date', you had a joy in your voice, in your heart, in your life. it was a wonderful thing to hear! and it didn't come from me, or from *m*, or from anyone else. it came from you. it came from pride in who you are. it came from years of working on yourself, bettering yourself. and you will let some grunting neanderthal take that away from you with an 'i don't know'? it's yours, love. you earned it. take it back, dee. fight for it.

there's so much more i could say, but it all seems pointless, especially given your opinion of me now. but i just wish you could remember where you were pre-*m*, and find your way back there. please try.

Anonymous said...

Holy fuck! Depressed much?
Dee...(with love & in a soothing voice), I must say "You are heading into the *bad place*.
If you want love and marriage, (and that is NOT pathetic), then you need to take the first step.
Send his Idaho potato packing ass back where he came from. He is clearly not for you. I don't know the guy, and I'm sure he's very nice, but that's irrelevant.

Not to be all "Dr. Phil" about it, but new relationships are about following a natural order of sharing mutual love, staying up all night talking, and spending hours & hours of blissful happiness in bed.
Why are you allowing yourself to suffer through this?
It's your time to be happy. It's your time to be in a healthy, loving relationship. You know that, and you want that.
So show *m* the door, pick yourself up, and get on with your life.
There are a g'zillion guys out there, but they'll never find you if you're committed to this dysfunctional and depressing situation.
Seriously, show *m* the door.
much love & take care.

Mich said...

Angel girl ... go read Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert ... its changed my life!