2.19.2008

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): Philosopher Robert Anton Wilson defined information as data and ideas that are new to you. If it's something you already know, then it's propaganda or dogma, not information. Philosopher Terence McKenna had a similar view. He used the terms "information" and "novelty" interchangeably. If you're not surprised, he said, if your curiosity isn't piqued, then the messages streaming your way don't qualify as information. I'd like you to make that your gold standard in the coming weeks, Capricorn. Be voracious for real information, and ruthlessly banish all the fake stuff that's masquerading as real information. You will know you're doing it right if you're never bored.


"what do you know?"

i've been asking myself the above question a lot in the last few days. and, no, not in the pleasantly surprised manner, but more in the, "okay, delena, search your mind and your heart. what do you know is true?" the only answer i keep coming back to that i know for definite truth is, "i am happy."

i might hold onto something until it's long since gone to dust. i'll hold the dust in the cracks and creases of my grubby little hands until it's mixed with so much of my sweat and tears it turns to cement, dries, and weighs me down. but when i finally decide to let it go, i never pick it up again. and i never look back.

of course, i suppose i've also been using nothing but the aforementioned propaganda and dogma to decide this. of course, i've also not had so much of an influx of new information to help me make any decisions. *m* has gone into full-blown "operation win back delena" mode, and this makes me decidedly uncomfortable. he's starting to try to be sweet, and attentive. he's even gone so far as to set up a date with me to spend time together, and sent me flowers at work. my only emotional response has been anger so far. well, anger and discomfort. i keep wanting to shout "too fucking little too fucking late! WHY couldn't you do this three months ago?!!?!" but i say nothing.

then again, saying nothing hasn't really paid off in the past, either.

my relationships with people-not-him are driving him crazy. he's gone into the mindless male possessiveness, and i had to grind it into his head that i am not his territory anymore so he can stop trying to piss on my leg, thankyouverymuch. i also had to grind it in that not only is my personal life not his business, but he's no longer a part of my personal life. i don't think he realized how far he'd fallen out of my life until he was so far removed he couldn't see me at all.

and if that's what it took, then so be it.

of course, now i'm quite content with my life as it is. i'm making these fabulous plans and working toward the goals i can reach. i'm setting weekly goals and meeting them! i'm finally truly learning the meaning of, "let it go to focus on other things." richard told me this once, and i figured out it meant that only when something is strong enough to stand on its own can you then let it go to focus on other things that need your attention. in theory i understood it, but now i've figured out what it means in actual practice. and it seems so simple now, but it's so very difficult to learn.

and *m* has yet to learn this, but he wants me to be his support. he doesn't see he needs to build his own support. he was a cop for so long, he used that as his identity and sense of Self. when that was gone, he used me and our relationship. now that's gone, and he's left looking at himself...and he doesn't want to. so now he's trying to get me back so he doesn't have to face his darkness.

and we all know how that story ends.

and i hate to think so, but it feels like he's only being nice to me now because he wants something from me and he's desperate to fill the void in himself. i don't want to discourage him if he really wants to work on things, but i'll only help him work on what's important: his own Self. i don't know if i want to work on us. if i'm totally honest with myself? inside, it just doesn't feel like i want to. that could still be lingering resentment and a whole lot of distrust, and i have to be honest and look at that, too.

all i really know is that i'm happy right now, where i am, and who i am. and i don't wanna mess that up.

2 comments:

Bohemian Mom said...

It's good to read that you are happy and not letting anything or anyone interfere with that.
"operation win back delena"...lmao!
Why, WHY do they ALWAYS learn after the fact, when it's too late?
I remember telling my ex, "hey buddy, wait until the day I don't call all the bars looking for you, the day I'm not chasing you all over town...cause that will be the
saddest day of your life!"
And it was. Ha!
Keep smiling chickie!

Kota Bear said...

So, you know how bad I always was at impartial before.... well, I've been watching and trying, and I'm sure you've noticed how little I've actually said from my own opinion, but the more I think the more my gut keeps saying the same thing, so here it is.... finally, I voice my honest opinion.

Too little too late. You deserve better'n he was willing to offer and he lost you. You gave the chances. You took the bait. It's not your fault he didn't offer the stray kitty the right incentives to come inside. He had you.... right there.... in that humane trap called relationship.... all he had to do was keep you there with gushy food and affection to keep you purring and it wouldn't be a trap anymore. Cat trees and scritchins.... that's all the kitty wants. But instead he ignored you, left you in the cage, and when you finally broke out, he was shocked that you bit and scratched and peed on his pillow. Forgive me, but you know me and my comparisons. I'll shush now. I think you get my drift.