the thing i love most about pronoia and the miracle of self-actualization (or as the Multiversal Jiggy Snake likes to call it, "Pop Goes the Weasel") is that i find out more things about myself every day. and considering i'm just self-centered enough to find myself fascinating, i find this whole finding-more-things-out absolutely...well...fascinating!

after a text-message fight with *m* last night, i realized that while i've given up on him, i'm still honoring the memory of the version of *m* i fell in love with and with whom i wanted to bear children and create my family. i'm still giving him a chance. yes it's a long shot, because i don't think he's ever going to self-actualize and come out of his self-absorption enough to realize what he needs to realize. but all the same, i'm giving him a chance not because i'm in love with him, but because i owe it to our memory, and the memory of the wonderful him, to give him every chance i can.

as long as he asks for it.

on the other hand, i'm also not going to sacrifice any more of myself for it. i have drawn my lines in the sand and made no bones about it. i've not lied or even hedged the truth. yes, i'm seeing *sy*. yes, we're fucking. yes, he makes me happy while *m* makes me abjectly miserable. but i'm a funktastic, bootylicious, strong, beautiful, and enduring woman with one hell of a head on her shoulders, and i'm a stunning partner to be with.

i think he's finally figuring that part out, and pissed as hell that i don't belong to him anymore. i belong to ME. but i'm giving him a chance, for the man he used to be. call it a matter of honor.


Dizzy said...

The man he used to be doesn't make much more than a cameo appearance once he's made his big exit. It's good to honour that memory though, I had to hold onto those memories to convince myself I hadn't been a total dickhead. :D

Anonymous said...

....I believe you to be possibly the most patient being in all of existence....

Mich said...

choose happiness ... you don't deserve to be miserable.

Anonymous said...

You're amazing!
And ditto what Mich says..."choose happiness".