the thing i love most about pronoia and the miracle of self-actualization (or as the Multiversal Jiggy Snake likes to call it, "Pop Goes the Weasel") is that i find out more things about myself every day. and considering i'm just self-centered enough to find myself fascinating, i find this whole finding-more-things-out absolutely...well...fascinating!
after a text-message fight with *m* last night, i realized that while i've given up on him, i'm still honoring the memory of the version of *m* i fell in love with and with whom i wanted to bear children and create my family. i'm still giving him a chance. yes it's a long shot, because i don't think he's ever going to self-actualize and come out of his self-absorption enough to realize what he needs to realize. but all the same, i'm giving him a chance not because i'm in love with him, but because i owe it to our memory, and the memory of the wonderful him, to give him every chance i can.
as long as he asks for it.
on the other hand, i'm also not going to sacrifice any more of myself for it. i have drawn my lines in the sand and made no bones about it. i've not lied or even hedged the truth. yes, i'm seeing *sy*. yes, we're fucking. yes, he makes me happy while *m* makes me abjectly miserable. but i'm a funktastic, bootylicious, strong, beautiful, and enduring woman with one hell of a head on her shoulders, and i'm a stunning partner to be with.
i think he's finally figuring that part out, and pissed as hell that i don't belong to him anymore. i belong to ME. but i'm giving him a chance, for the man he used to be. call it a matter of honor.