Sometimes, when you're feeling your lowest, Delena, the real you is summoned.
And you understand, maybe for the first time ever, how grand you are, because you discover that vulnerable doesn't mean powerless, scared doesn't mean lacking in beauty, and uncertainty doesn't mean that you're lost.
These realizations alone will set you on a journey that will take you far beyond what you used to think of as extraordinary.
There is always a bright side.
Don't disguise your tears, Delena, don't hide your sadness, don't be afraid to find out who you really are. Because in those fleeting moments you'll summon such beauty and strength that, in no time at all, you'll fully grasp exactly why you're so gossiped about here in the unseen.
this was a comfort. combined with mr. brezsny sending me an email that my smoke alarm's going off (when i was already on the street in my robe, cat in my arms, watching the conflagration with my neighbors) it was pretty powerful.
not that i'm shedding any tears, mind you. it takes something especially strong to jerk a few tears out of me. if anything, my mind is already racing with possibilities.
all day yesterday in being vulnerable, scared, and uncertain, it didn't even occur to me to behave like the Old Delena. i didn't even "fall back" behind friendly lines, more like evacuated out of the hot zone because it was so unhealthy (once i finally admitted it to myself).
in being vulnerable, the first thing i did was ask myself "why?" --even got 2nd and 3rd opinions-- and began excising the vulnerability from my Self. not because vulnerability is a weakness; it's not. it's a powerful human experience, and keeps us in touch with many, many things. no, i excised it because it had been an avenue of serious-yet-subtle injury to myself for too long.
in being scared, i asked myself "of what?" and "why?" then i discussed with *cc* how to conquer that fear. mainly...asking dad to teach me how to wield a baton.
in feeling uncertain, i hit the ground running in search of certainties. i continue to do so even now. with *cc*'s help, a Plan is quickly forming.
and all of this can be summed up in four words; these four words made all the difference in why people didn't give up on me vs. why they not only gave up on *ds* and *ks* long ago, but pretty much threw them away as useless: i walk my talk.
the first part of walking my talk is in drawing hard lines. maintaining soft, malleable boundaries with *ds* and *ks* got me what i deserved: being screwed. my chappelle family warned me of this, but i vehemently defended the silverfoxes and said i had faith they were sincere in wanting to be better people. and i kept those soft boundaries.
which is kinda funny, because i've gotten so good at hard boundaries. for the girl who had no boundaries for the longest, letting anyone come in and violate whatever they wanted, hard and clear boundaries defended by consistency are a necessity along the path of self improvement. giving someone a chance is great. giving someone a second chance when they reveal a hopeless psychology? bad idea. this man with the hopeless psychology actually left a comment here on iGoddess about how i have "bigger issues that need to be dealt with," after a short diatribe written completely in "kicked dog." it's laughable only because he's accusing me of having the wrong issues, and because he doesn't know you can't act superior after you just tucked your tail between your legs.
the difficulty in knowing more, braving more, doing and being and seeing more is only difficult when surrounded by people on a less evolved rung of the awareness ladder. i was talking with my li'l bro *aj* the other night. he's taking flight lessons, a necessary step in his lifelong dream to becoming a fighter pilot. he was telling me how surprising it was to find out just how many airports there really are in any given area. it's a shocking number. and if you fly high enough, you can actually see many of them from your vantage point. and the longer you stay in that world of airplanes and airports and reading manuals and contacting flight control, the more you learn about how they're all connected, why they're connected, and can even point with accuracy to the location of signal towers on the ground which connect all those little airports one to the other. you might not be able to see them, so small on the ground, but you know where they are because you understand the larger network.
it's the same with self-growth. the closer to the ground you are, the less aware you are. the less you see, the less you know. you look up at the people flying in airplanes and marvel at the thought of what they can see, you admire their wisdom and courage and ability to fly. but you don't know them. you have to learn and work hard before you're ever given the ability or opportunity to fly. but you start your ascent and you realize that you see more, and you had no idea what was really out there! and you start seeing connections, and at some point you say, "they look so small down there!"
it's true. it's because they are small. they're small-minded, small-spirited, small in courage, small in imagination, small in sincerity, small in strength... they don't believe you know what you're talking about because they don't know it. they haven't experienced it. so they say you're full of shit and "have issues." it's laughable.
but i've stayed with these small people in the hopes that they were sincere in their desire to be more. in the desire that i could help them when no one else wanted to. perhaps that's my arrogance, my bad. but i've been unhealthily surrounding myself with people who just can't see --and will never see-- and wondering why it felt like such a breath of fresh air when i'd spend time with people of my caliber or higher.
speaking of a higher caliber...no, that's a post for another time.