12.10.2008

chunk of an email

conversations with a friend of mine have been stirring up the muddy bottom of a clear lake. it's darkened my mood considerably, and for all my personal discipline and pronoia, i'm having a hard time clearing it away.

this one's tenacious; it keeps returning, no matter how many times i step back out of the emotion and clear it away. i'm not consciously focusing on what i don't want, but i must be focused on it because the clouds just keep gathering in my sky. to make matters worse, i think my heart thinks it's falling in love with a younger man, which i promised i'd never do. hell, my dad would never let it happen (he's really picky about age). i'm an obedient and dutiful daughter, so if my dad would say "no," then i say no, too. but my heartstrings keep getting plucked and it's driving me crazy. in fact, it's adding to the previous problem and muddying the waters even more.

it came up in conversation that, my lifestyle being what it is, i really do, can, and have gone weeks with no more physical contact than my bi-weekly hugs from my parents. i've gotten used to that. just like i'm used to my cold bed (figuratively; i'm not talking about my wonderful electric blanket).

not only did i have no problem with it, i embraced it. if i lived the rest of my life alone, at least i'd have my family. i was content. but this friend keeps poking at me daily about it in our hours-long text message conversations. he knows i'm way too dynamic for that, and suddenly i'm not so okay with it. i think what makes me grumpy isn't so much that i feel i'm missing something by being alone, but i'd already settled everything in my soul and learned to love being alone. then here he comes and defiantly, deliberately, stirs up the mud until my clear lake isn't so clear anymore. if that makes any sense. argh.

i wish i could hate men. no, not really. but yeah, i do.

5 comments:

Brandi said...

hmmm....

interesting.

how much younger??

you know I dated a younger guy in my 20s and it was an unmitigated disaster but I was 25 and he was 20 and what 20 year old guy (and a band guy to boot) is a responsible emotionally switched on human??

not the one I picked, that's for damn sure...lol

Greg said...

Ah, my love! You wisely told me once long ago regarding MY situation that I if I wasn't going to change where I was, I had to accept it completely and wholeheartedly. But when I finally did that, and was okay with it... the situation changed. Life has a funny way of fucking with you like that. lol.

So then I learned to accept and even look forward to that situation.... and then it changed again.

What I've done instead is rather than love the situation, I just make sure I still love myself, no matter what the situation.

But yeah... I'd like some physical contact too (and I'm NOT just talking about sex!), which is why my current situation is such a struggle. lol.

Anyway, I hope you find a resolution that satisfies you. Love you, babe.

P.S. This comment is brought to you by the word "situation"! lol.

megg said...

Um, can I be cheeky and ask you HOW much younger? Because I just married a younger man and believe me when I say I had to let go of a lot of stuff to be with him - and he is my soul mate - without a doubt! Sometimes love comes in unexpected packages - and MAYBE you aren't meant to be with this new guy forever - but maybe he has something to teach you, something to show you, that you need to move on to the "right" one.

I'm poking my nose where it doesn't belong, I'm sorry! I just know from experience that it is SO WORTH IT - giggle.

megg said...
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Nydia said...

Hi, iGoddess! I couldn't help thrusting my nose in this subject, being myself married for almost ten years to a guy who's seven years younger than me... Having a dad who was 18 years older than my mom... Having a brother who was married for twelve years to a woman who was 24 years older than he (and the marriage only ended because she was absurdly, insanly jealous with no reason at all). As long as I know by my own experience, age means nothing, as well as birth place, skin color, status quo... I would just think of how you feel about yourself when with this guy. Happy? Self-confident? True? So, take your chance, be this happy. You surely deserve it, so full of life, sweetness and energy the way you are.

Kisses from Nydia. Thanks for your warm words on my last post!