1.04.2008

pretend there's a title

for christmas, i saved a kitten.

evil neighbors in the building next to mine had turned out two kittens about the same age as my demon children, Roulette and Chitterling the Minor Demon of Annoyance (yes, that's her full name). it was snowing. what had gotten my attention was the very pitiful, plaintive, tiny meowing of a kitten-sized fuzzball. searching, i found one greyling at the door, curled up in a little kitty-cake, and his brother was clawing at my neighbor's door and crying.

poor things.

i came up and said hello, and one of them came right up to me and was only too happy to give me love. the other dashed away and leapt off the second story balcony in order to get away from me. i caught a glimpse of a grey kitty butt disappearing behind the building. the friendly brother followed me over to *ds* and *ks*'s apartment. halfway there, i finally scooped him up and took him with me. speaking with said evil neighbor, his voice held nothing but contempt as he said they'd turned out the kittens and fed them, but were just hoping someone else would take 'em.

scumbag.

i never did find the brother, not yet. but the greyling has found a wonderful home with my silverfox brother and sister, who named him "rumblestrut" for his ever-present purr, and the fact he struts like a peacock if he thinks anyone's watching. he's always happy to see me, too. i'm the one who took him from cold deprivation and gave him a place with warmth, food, comfort, pettings, and other kitties to play with. i only fear for rumblestrut's brother, who now is not only out there in the cold of a wet portland winter, but is now without his brother. i continue the search when i can.

in other news, i haven't been home since friday, and it's been wonderful. i've been staying over with *ds* and *ks*. in all honesty, i've forgotten what it's like to live with people who not only love having me around, but show me how much they love it. i come home to appreciation, affection, jokes and teasing, and a sense that i belong there. no wonder my year-and-some living with just my family was so wonderful. no wonder i was so wonderously healthy and happy.

it's absolutely fucking amazing what warmth and affection can do for a human being, isn't it? of course, that's a huge "fucking duh" to anyone who knows better, but apparently it's still quite the mystery to *m* why there's even a problem in the first place.

if he'd stayed in the police force, he'd never have made detective with the cognitive skills he has.

he called the salon yesterday looking for me. i'd called in sick (due to a slight case of not having slept all night), and he asked if anyone knew where i was, since i haven't been home in days. of course, my co-worker didn't know, but he should have. i'd only been left in *ks*'s capable hands when he left for work on friday, and *ds* told him they knew what they were doing. they've had to pick up delena pieces before.

he texted me yesterday, as well. "dee, i do miss u and i really want to work this out, please text me."

of course, this is after three days of not hearing from him at all. no one else had heard from him either, or they'd have told me. just the salon. maybe he was giving me my space? yeah, okay, except this isn't the first time i've stayed away from the apartment for days at a time just to get away from him and sort things out. after three months living together, i shouldn't be at this stage. we should still be in the fabulously-blissful-starry-eyed-fucking-every-night honeymoon stage. but everyone knows we're not. the night before christmas eve, i told him we were over, just roomates. this past thursday night, i told him something's gotta give, or one of us needs to move out asap. he said he could work on things with me, but not until sunday. give him time to "get in the mood for it."

so yet again, he was going to make me wait.

i spent friday out with my silverfox family. i spent saturday out with other friends, and met back up with a friend of hers she'd been telling me about. there'd been attraction the first time we met, but i was still waiting for *m* to perform a cranio-rectal extraction (aka remove his head from his ass) so i didn't let it go anywhere. but saturday night? oh, i let it go everywhere.

here was someone who made it very plain he was interested, who flirted smoothly and very, very well. later, his kisses were passionate and soft. so soft. he cupped my face, ran fingers through my hair, marveled that i was so pretty.

pretty, while wearing a NIN hoodie and my old too-big-for-me work jeans with ink and dirt stains, an ever-widening hole in the right knee, and frayed cuffs. total "i just came from dinner with the parents and really don't give a fuck what i look like, at least i'm comfortable" outfit. and he loved it. we curled up on the couch beneath a very warm blanket and watched "pirates of the caribbean: dead man's chest" while he rubbed my feet and kissed my neck. he asked a neverending stream of questions about myself, about what i like and things he'd heard about me from my friend. if he wasn't holding me close as a second skin, he was resting his head in my lap and enjoying while i ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his neck.

so simple, so easy and comfortable, and everything i'd been craving from *m*. and, proper or not, he and i ended up going to bed together that night, but it was glorious. after so long doing nothing but serving someone else's needs while he held no consideration for my own, here was someone to whom the sound of my cries was like music. he would actually smile, or laugh with satisfaction, when i couldn't hold back a whimper. my own pleasure excited him, just like my own lover's pleasure always excites me. i'm just like that. and after so long with someone like *m*, it was a wonder and a balm to be with someone that could give me what i needed simply because he wanted to.

and i don't know that i'll ever be able to explain that kind of desire to *m*: the desire to give pleasure, warmth, and affection purely for the joy of giving it.

and it seems it wasn't a one-time thing. before i left, he made sure to set up when we could see each other again. so he asked me out for this tuesday night: dinner at a vegetarian-friendly restaurant, so he can make sure i have a good time and can actually eat the food there. he asked me to call him today during my lunch hour...which i did, but he called me first and left me a cute voicemail that made me laugh. i'm going to see him tonight. during dinner, he called to let me know i could take his parking spot tonight when i come over, so that i don't have to hike up the parking lot in the dark.

*ks* turned to me, spaghetti twirled on his fork, and gave me that smile of his. "gee, someone made an impression on that boy, didn't they?"

i laughed. "makes me wonder just how big of an impression."

*m* hasn't asked me to come home, nor will i agree to until he actually shows up at the door and asks me to come home. but that boy's gonna have quite the uphill battle, if it's not already over for good. after all, i don't need him. i never needed him, but i wanted him. but now he has competition, and i have a clear head again and am surrounded by my family who gives me strength and support. he's given me grief and heartache. he's cold and unaffectionate and neglectful, and i've found someone who's cuddly and warm and thoughtful. he hasn't listened all this time, and i'm done talking. but i wonder that *m* just isn't feeling insecure the longer he goes without his emotional security blanket. he likes the idea of having a girlfriend, but he doesn't want any of the responsibility.

Delena of the Funkywild does NOT stand for that.

and Delena of the Funkywild is back, godsdammit.

5 comments:

Kota Bear said...

That's our girl!!!!

Mich said...

Welcome home honey

Bohemian Mom said...

Holy Funkywild Batman!
xo

Ravyn said...

Good to see you again.

Greggo said...

you go, girl! lol.