lilith in the garden

as part of my resolutions for the new moon --of which i'm doing rather well (go me!)-- i've decided to come out about yet something else. now, before you respond with, "*stunned silence* ...uh, delena? don't you wanna sit on this one a while?" just know that i already have sat on this for quite a few months, and i haven't said anything until i was not only sure, but had already taken steps in this direction.

i had come across this story by robin westmiller a few weeks ago and the beauty and simplicity of it rocked my Funk. it's about lilith in the garden of eden, right before she awakens to her plight and tells adam to go fuck a sheep. she would have told him to go fuck his mother, but in this story, adam really didn't have a mother except for the clay from which he was fashioned. but anyway, that's not the point. the point is the end of the story, where she says...

"from the dust you came, and from the dust you'll return. i, however, will continue for generations. i don't need you. you will never be able to create a new life on your own. i can, and i will.

"...it's all i need to create more of our kind. they're called 'children' and i will have them and they will be strong. the males will be partners and equal to the females and never force the females to lie beneath them. they will be my children and they will have love and be loved..." --robin westmiller

one thing i've come to realize after the debacle-of-*m* is that i've been trying to force something to materialize, through sheer force of my will and effort, that will never be. okay, so i can't be june cleaver. fine. however, i've also come to realize that by the very nature of my quest, i've affected the nature of the very thing i've sought after for so long. simple quantum physics, like schrödinger's cat.

kinda ironic that my holy grail turned out to be a dead cat. (and please, tell me you googled the cat so my very geeky joke at least got one laugh...)

however, i am a child of the dark goddesses. i am a capricorn woman, and it is written in the stars our lives are like one, long dark night of the soul. death is our bridegroom. i wholeheartedly believe in and embrace compassionate destruction. i am a pronoiac: "i die every day" is one of our mantras.

so be it.

i have swallowed my dream and broken it down into its most basic elements so i may then use those materials to construct an even purer Funkalicious Dream, closer to the breast of the All-Savage Vulture Goddess Herself and the Spark that Fueled the Great Big Mushroom Cloud in Our Brains.

and what was left?

love. and family. and love.

if i die right now, i die failing to impart the wisdom Funk i've learned. i die with a meaningless childhood in the House of Oppression, the Baseball Incident only a sad tragedy with no purpose. the ability to feel the Funk with my signature delena-liciousness will fade as my ashes are scattered in some organic garden somewhere. sure, my ashes will inspire some Funky zucchini, but c'mon. squash have a Funk all their own.

zucchini rock, btw...

so i decided if lilith can do it, and if i have taken her name and the responsibilities of her patronage, then i can follow her example. and lo, i said unto myself, in regards to building a happy family, "i'll do it myself."

i declare this the Year of Bountiful Funk. the rest of this year is dedicated to preparing for the precious child i will bring into this world with love and joy and much, much anticipation. i will prepare my finances, my surroundings, my mind, my body, my life. i've gone back to the gym and renounced all caffeine and shortcuts. with the help of a few precious friends and mentors, i'm researching the nitty-grit of single motherhood. *waves to boho mom* i'm transferring to a salon closer to home by half, to help save money. the Funkmobile is slowly but surely getting into perfect working order. *ds*, *ks* and i are planning on moving into a rent-to-own house, as soon as we can find one that works for us. i swear, every time we get together, we can't help brainstorming about this wonderful Plan of ours, with real and attainable Goals we're working on even now, because the thought fills us with such excitement and purpose.

and with this decision, i feel a new vitality breathing in me. life has color again. my life has purpose...finally. i never was fully happy living just for myself. so yes, this time i think i'm ready. i'm not a child this time around, and i can look into my child's eyes and say, "i wanted you. i chose you. i cleared the way so you may come and experience life."

i'll do it myself.