CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll says he's periodically asked about what it takes to be a writer. He has two pieces of advice: "Good writers read a lot, and good writers write a lot." I urge you to apply that approach to whatever skill it is you'd like to master, whether it's building a boat, traveling where the tourists don't go, satisfying a lover, or anything else. In other words, practice, practice, and practice some more as you study the work of those who are experts in the field. Now is an especially ripe time for you to identify what this skill is for you, and to sign a formal agreement with yourself in which you promise to steadily upgrade your mastery of it.

now, i'm a writer and yes, lately i haven't been writing a lot. my bad. actually, i've been feeling the absence of the writing muses, and i keep promising myself that i'll get back into it, but right now i'm just keeping up with life-in-general. not that i'm complaining! for the first time since *m* and i got together, i can finally say that i'm totally in love with my life again. i'm trying to dwell less on the fact that *m* grossly derailed my Funk and more on the fact that i've got my Funk back and it's Funkier than ever!

but i've been seriously thinking about my horoscopes the last few weeks. i've just not really known what to write about it, and last week...? i didn't really wanna come out with what i thought about it. it was about how this last week i should really be thinking about a truth that'll slowly manifest itself from the lies i'd wrapped it up in like protective coating. and really there's only been two truths that i've been protecting myself from because they hurt so much.

one is the simple fact that no man will ever love me enough to truly be a good-enough partner and companion for me, and for the family i wished to create. i feel like less-than, like a defect of a woman for not being what men want without sacrificing my soul. and sometimes i'm convinced that, obviously, i'm shit because men always end up treating me like shit. and oh goddess, it hurts. but okay, so i'm not good enough to be the fabulous wife i know i could be. i'm still going to be a fucking-fantabulous mother to the most...how did boho mom put it? "the most loved, anticipated, empowered, enlightened, cherished, magical child ever born." yeah. the iGoddess baby will be the first of what will eventually become a tightly-knit, loving, magical, formidable family spanning the world.

so the fuck mote it be.

the second truth is that i'm quite seriously falling in love with *sy*, the person who was simply supposed to be company on cold nights. but he's somehow worked himself past my defenses, past my coldness and my aloofness that *m* had forced me to conform into. he's worked himself past what i wanted and found what i really needed, and it's meshed so wonderfully with what he's wanted and needed that, despite myself, i find our rhythm ebbing and flowing like La Diosa Del Mar herself. it's a slow rhythm, beautiful and subtle and filled with those nameless Things which make the ancient magic powerful still. it's like making love with slow, passionate sighs amid the cozy, orange glow of candles, where the physical connection is more for closeness than pleasure...until climax comes out of nowhere and takes you deep inside a place you'd forgotten ever existed.

those revelations come like that, slow and rhythmic, and i discover belatedly that i've already descended to another level of intimacy despite myself. consciously i fight it, but sometimes i feel i'm being driven by something deeper.

i have yet to decide if i like it.

and this week? this skill i wish to master is, quite simply, love. i've been paying attention to the masters of quality, and the masters of speed in the grooming salon. i've made my weekly goal a permanent and now-commonplace accomplishment. and my quality of work hasn't suffered. i suppose i could still pay more attention and master this skill of pet grooming. and i have been, keeping ears and eyes open for more i could learn. once my transfer goes through, i'll be among other groomers and will learn even more.

but the skill i'm truly interested in mastering is Love. i'm living with *ds* and *ks* now, and i'm sure it's become apparent from my other entries that i hold them as my role models and ultimate example of what love can be for me. of course, to me they are so perfect that perhaps it's no wonder i'm so unlucky in love. for even as i am not fit to be a wife to someone, i doubt the poor bastard would ever be able to live up to the standard my brother and sister hold for me. not one couple in a million achieves what they've been blessed with, which makes it all the more sacred.

just as Love is sacred. as sex and marriage and life and all of existence is sacred. didn't Everything come from Love?

and so i will sit back, and i will pay attention, and i will learn. this ever-growing mastery of love will be showered upon the iGoddess-child. and in the sanctity of my bedchamber, i suppose *sy* will be the lucky recipient of my advancing lessons as i grow in my mastery.

*shrug* i guess...so the fuck mote it be.


Anonymous said...

Rock On sister! I love you!
I've been trying to keep up with my life as well.
...talk soon.

Greggo said...

okay, there's lots to comment on here, but since it's 3:30 am and i just got home after working 15 hours and i have a headache, i only have time to say one thing before i collapse into a pathetic bundle of whinyness: that is a freakin' awesome picture! do you know where there's a larger viersion of it? it'd make a fantastic background for a blog, or wallpaper for my computer. :-) love you, babe!

Az said...

With each tick of the clock we step into the future and gain new experiences, some good, some bad. We learn a little something from each of them and hopefully we become stronger and more able to deal with things that seemed impossibly difficult in the past.

If you have to sacrifice your soul for a man then you're with the wrong man. I learned that in my first marriage and I would never, ever what to lose myself like that again. I pray that someday you will meet and fall in love with a man who in turn will love you for yourself. You deserve nothing less. *hugs*

Jane said...

You do know how much I love coming here, don't you???!!!