no great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness

so my transfer finally went through.

it's about freakin' time.

and the only thing i had to do was have a minor meltdown on easter sunday, and have a fight with a stupid cunt who calls herself a groomer. yup. total yayfunjoy. although now, when i went to call my new salon, they didn't have me on the books at all and the salon manager is on vacation until monday. so i spoke with the GM, and he said, "well, how 'bout sunday?"

impromptu vacation!!! shibby!

of course, it's unpaid vacation, but still. i've been needing BOTH a transfer and a vacation, so i've been taking advantage of it.

on saturday i'm going with *cc*, *ds*, *ks*, and a girl from my old salon to the vampire ball here in portland. it's an annual event and i promised myself last year that i'd be there for it this year, come hell or high water. there will be pictures. i swear to you, there will be pictures. not just because we'll be bringing cameras, but because Studio C here in portland will be hosting the photo booth. this might just become an annual family event, if we like what we see there. i'm sure we will...

also, last night something happened with *sy*'s daughter and she ended up in the hospital. she's okay, and of course *sy* being the wonderful daddy he is, rushed off to be with her. dropped our plans for the evening faster than a pair of pants on prom night, but that's the way it should be when it's the hatchling. grass is green, gravity works, and hatchlings come first.

...so why was i so upset?

it took me the rest of the evening to figure out it was because, in part, i was so insanely jealous of how he had the luxury to rush off to help his daughter, and i'm stranded and can't do anything if it were li'l *c*. i hate how, when i call to talk to him, i feel like such an inconvenience to big *c* and his mom. they never call; i always have to call. they used to send some of his artwork or schoolwork, in the beginning. i haven't seen anything in a few years now. and anyone who works in retail knows that it's just a bitch pain in the ass to get any time off to go anywhere without seniority. and when i could get time, i never had the money.

it just really, really bothered me...the pang of not having seen my only born in three years. and there's a very huge part of me that seriously fears the possibility that li'l *c* will be my only issue. the entire creation and birth of li'l *c* nearly cost me my life. *cc* thinks i'm an idiot for risking it again, and perhaps i am. there's still the very good chance that my next pregnancy will be the same --or worse-- than the last one. if it is, i don't know if i can face going through that again. it took me six years to get over that trauma.

and if he does end up my only child? talk about failing utterly as a mother. i haven't been his mother since he was two and a half. i haven't kissed his boo-boos, i missed his first day of school, i never helped him with his homework or made his lunch, nor have i been able to contribute in shaping him to be a decent member of society, respectful of women and instilled with a sense of honor. i was just his uterus.

when i was ripping away from *m*, he told me he wanted children but wasn't ready. at one point he said, very accusingly, that if i really wanted his children and loved him, then i'd wait. well, he was going on the arrogant assumption that a.) i loved him, and b.) i wouldn't be happy with any children but which came from his loins.

join me in laughing so hard we all snort our drinks up our noses.

like hell i'd wait, i said. i'm so ready, and i have no more time. the longer i wait, the worse it will be. the truth of the matter is that i am most likely facing a pregnancy every bit as devastating as my first one was. now, there are things i'm doing to get my body in the best shape possible. this was dubbed the year of preparation. i don't have time to be wasting on waiting around for some fucktard to grow up enough to be a good mate and male figure for my loinfruit.

and, knowing this, something in me was greatly upset knowing that i --and the iGoddess-child-- are not *sy*'s priority. i'm not complaining; his daughter should be his priority and it is only right it should be so. i think what kicked in was a more primal instinct, the primordial brain concerned about survival competition and the primacy of my progeny.

not to mention the dead keeps trying to raise itself, and some zombie form of careerlovemarriagechildren keeps trying to crawl out of the grave time and again. a couple weeks ago i confessed i wanted to commit myself to our relationship --after having drunk enough for liquid courage to turn into fluid stupidity-- but nothing was ever made concrete. i also have to force myself not to ask *sy* if he would consider being the sperm provider for the iGoddess-child, and lemme tell you, sometimes it's a struggle. i know he'd never agree to my terms, and i know i'd want to make an exception with him. which could have very stupid consequences. so there was more reminder that my (very stupid) lifelong dream of becoming a housewife is dead and supposed to stay that way.

i think what made me angriest was knowing that the psycho hose beast (aka. his ex) used to have exactly what i've always wanted and she not only threw it away, but continues to dump shit all over it every day. i've been working and praying so hard for how long, and someone like her has the luxury of crapping all over it? i gave it up out of necessity, and i think it just hit me really hard, watching *sy* give to someone else what i will never have. i pride myself on being realistic, though. it's just not to be, and i accept that. i know the problem is in no one else but myself, and i'll work through it.

but still.

ps. the blog title is a quote from aristotle, btw.

1 comment:

Az said...

Congrats on your transfer AND on the mini vacation! Can't wait to hear about the Vampire Ball. It sounds like an awesome event.