it's a thing, now, in the silverfox den, to read aloud mr. brezsny's horoscopes for ourselves when they come in each week. i read *ks*'s, after forgetting each week what astrological sign is actually his (oi...), and then *ds*'s, and then mine last.
after i read mine, the only thing i could say was, "...and why does this make absolutely no sense?"
then i began to really think about it. last week's horoscope was basically "you'll squeeze every drop of everything and every opportunity this week, capricorn, if you can learn to laugh at everything." however, to my detriment, the Stupid Work Thing has drained my sense of humor along with my energy. there was no laughing. there was lots of reflux, compulsive eating, and puking before my shift...but no laughter.
this week there is "the past is your hidden treasure trove, cappy. use it to change your approach to life and see things differently and in a more pronoiac way."
it didn't even really make sense until that email from greggo popped in my head:
but for you, in your life, you know what you need to do. don't let it get to you. don't let the stress ruin your health. don't let the anger destroy you. it took me a long time, honestly, to realize how angry you can get. and i'm not saying your anger is not legitimate, or even completely reasonable and understandable. but we both know that it's not healthy for YOU. ...that is how i see you letting your anger destroy you. you want vengeance, you want to fight back against the injustice and illogic of the fucktards who by some luck of the draw have managed to rise up to a position of management. but since you can't fight back without losing your job, you have to hold it in, and that makes it tear at your soul, at the center of your core, and THAT is what is causing you to bleed.
just be who you are, do your job in the kickass way you always have, and whatever happens is going to happen anyway. no matter what, you'll still be you, you'll still know the truth.
it's kinda funny. when the bio-dad would accuse me of something absolutely ludicrous and based on nothing more than his assumption that any female having achieved puberty was duplicitous, wilfully rebellious against him, and wanton to the point of filth, i used to just shrug and say, "that's okay, believe what you want. i know the truth." i'd finally given up trying to convince him i was a worthwhile and good human being, and while something in me had broken and i no longer cared about being punished (because it was going to happen either way), i used those words to goad him and also let him know there was some small core of me he would never, ever be able to touch.
greggo's echo of those very words were actually a comfort.
at the same time, he knows how violently i rail against injustice and how sick it makes me to watch the exploitation of the weak. i'm thankful someone out there understands that. actually, my whole adoptive family understands. even *cc*, though she doesn't understand why, and i can see why she wouldn't grasp it fully. she's a military medic, and her specialty is triage. if you can't personally deal with a situation --due to lack of supplies, manpower, or the realities of what it is in a person's power to actually do-- then you just don't worry about it and what will happen will happen.
i, on the other hand, rail against that inability.
the injustice and illogic of the situation in the salon, and the store in general, infuriates me. but, as greggo well knows and pointed out to me, it is my own helplessness and feeling of utter castration in this situation that's making me so sick. i didn't embrace my inner revolutionary freedom fighter just to sit and sweat in some egoist's hotbox and accept the realities of utter impotence.
fighting for a healthy, safe place to work and live is nothing more than fighting for my own health and happiness. the reality of my situation is that i have been, or am, in the course of my life an abused child, recovering SI'er, codependent, and bipolar. certain situations kick off that chemical imbalance in my brain. being the pronoiac and naturopathist i am, part of my ongoing treatment is fending off those situations that would tip me over into imbalance.
i simply want to be healthy, godsdammit.
the wholistic thing to do would be to participate in fixing the problem, leaving things a little cleaner and neater than i found them for those who come after me...in every situation. just "getting out" by transferring doesn't fix anything. of course, on the other hand, as in the situation with *m*, at some point i'm going to have to accept that the situation can never be fixed, and all i can do is get the hell outta dodge before the whole damn thing collapses under the weight of its own shit. let the karmic chips fall where they may, and get out with a whole skin.
i've let this thing affect me for too long. i haven't been to the gym in weeks. i've been eating dairy products and not giving a shit how they tear me up. i've been compulsive/comfort eating again: starches, salt, and sugar. taco bell, for cryin' out loud! freakin' ACK!! i've been drinking alcohol and soda, and smoking djarum blacks (clove cigarettes) looking for the buzz from alcohol, caffiene, and tobacco. i'm suppressing, again.
all of which not only makes me sicker in various ways, but impedes getting better. and no, they're not the same thing.
yeah, greggo, you're right. i wanna fight back against the lame, unjust illogic of it all and i know i can't. my anger is consuming me.
but not for long. i am a revolutionary freedom fighter for beauty, truth, and the Funk. i am a daughter of the Menstrual Temple, and scion of Lilith --Night Mother of Vengeance and Independence. i am a witch, i run with the silverfox pack, and am House Mother of the House of Dragons' Rest. i am pronoiac, i am woman, i am delena.
not for long. so the fuck mote it be.