when breaking the pattern becomes the pattern, and capricorns

i don't know when it happened, but i swore i would never become my bio-mother.

ever.

to the point where i never brought home a mexican, or a catholic.

of course, ironically (and we all know how delena just loves irony), i ended up treated just as lowly as i watched her allow herself to be treated. however, i was so determined not to be so literally like her that i completely ignored the fact that, religion and skin color notwithstanding, i had only exchanged the outer trappings but inside my men were the same douchebags i was trying so hard to avoid.

it still kind of blows me away sometimes, being with a puerto rican. he's shared, or been the source of, dozens of new experiences with me. i'm still not used to being able to make jokes in spanglish, or being around someone with similar mannerisms and cultural background. sure, there are differences and we make fun of each other for them --like my tortilla passion and his silly puerto rican aversity to all things flatbread...the freak-- but while it still takes me by surprise, i enjoy it every time i notice those little things i never realized how much i missed.

i'm accustomed to being the darker complected one in the relationship, but compared to him i'm sickly pale. i'm the juerita here, and it's great! he touches me, and something in me just feels...at rest...to see a darker hand on my dark skin. he's not a witch, persay, but he's open to learning more about my belief structure.

i've never been with anything other than a white guy before i met *sy*. and i've never been treated better.

i thought i would break the pattern of my abused life by finding someone who wasn't my bio-dad. but i realized i was looking at the wrong things, and breaking the pattern became the pattern. ha! not anymore.

back before the manager lady transferred out of the salon of doom, she brought her sextrology book for me to read because she knew i'd love it. not only does it --quite accurately-- depict each of the zodiac personalities, but it explores every possible type of relationship pairing, homo- and heterosexual. it's pretty rockin'.

but what it had to say about capricorns utterly blew my mind. y'know, i'd always known that capricorns were the hippocampus, a noble and majestic creature stylized in quite an amazing amount of breathtaking fantasy art, i might add. cappys are also just called "goats," and we wear the name proudly, being stubborn and hard-working and down to earth as we are. but what i didn't know --and it's totally lame because i so should have put it together-- was that the capricorn is also represented by a mountain beside a lake.

a mountain...beside a lake.

energetically speaking, i've almost always known my element was where the earth met the water. i am the place where lines blur, a shifting doorway where the energies of water and earth meet. sure, the jokes about my energy being mud are numerous, but still. i've always been the place where the two meet.

i grew up in a desert. sure, it was the southern californian desert, but it's desert nonetheless! and yet, once i was mobile and independent enough, when things were horrible i'd run to the beach and just hang out there until i could get my head on straight again. i moved up here to the portland area kicking and screaming, hating it for three solid years because i could never get used to how fucking cold it is here --comparitively-- and how dark and wet and rainy and soggy it is year-round. especially compared to my desert paradise.

but this is paradise. i've always been a child of the earth, of nature, of being surrounded by green and growing things. i love it here. once i gave it a chance, i noticed my energy and my very personality thrived and relished it here.

right here.

the picture at the beginning of this blog entry? that's mt. hood, which i can see every day when i step outside. and that's the columbia river, water flowing at the base of that wonderful mountain that is exactly what i am.

a pillar of earth, and a mountain lake. a solid, strong woman with the depth and mystery of the deep waters. a woman who can break patterns, truly break them. a woman who can build a life from scratch, ditch the entire deck of cards she was dealt, and build a new family and new circle to suit her soul.