what's that word again?

confused (adj.)

1. chaotic; jumbled
2. being unable to think with clarity or act with understanding and intelligence
3. lacking logical order or sense
4. what the male of the species is
5. the state in which delena finds herself whenever dealing with the male of the species


you know what i find most frustrating about being delena? simply this: men within a decade of my age are too immature and mentally dull to keep up with me. the upside? it lets me know i am nose and tail above the crowd, so far above the status quo that i see in color while the unwashed masses see in black and white. the downside? considering a man even as young as 35 is too old for me as far as my dad's concerned, my intelligence and maturity condemn me to a solitary existence.

this, in a word, sucks.

i read something once upon a time that compared women like me to the lucious, perfect, tasty fruit at the very top of a very tall tree. it wasn't so much that men didn't prefer that gorgeous fruit, so much as the simple fact it was so hard to reach. so they would pick the fruit closer to the ground and easier within reach. this, however, had a twofold negative result: the men were okay with their fruit, but not satisfied or content; and the fruit at the very top of the tree wondered what the fuck was wrong with them that they could be so wonderful, yet be withering on the branch.

i've been told --simply within the month of may-- that 1.) i am unattainable and "too much" to keep, 2.) someone couldn't get past just trying to get me into bed and keeping me there, and 3.) that i'm "just not" what someone else was looking for. i think the third statement was the most fair, honestly. but, dispensing with the "they're just stupid not to appreciate you" sort of opinion, what the absolute fuck is wrong here? is it me? where are the chivalrous, intelligent, mature, open-minded men with backbones born in the late 70's? i can't be so rare that i'm unique. i just can't.

this would be undermining my self-confidence if i wasn't possessed of my naïve faith in fairytale love.

who needs a list of "must haves/can't stands" when simply being close to my age, mature enough to keep up with me, intelligent enough to challenge me, and a chivalrous knight-errant at heart is a tall enough order?