chunk of an email

conversations with a friend of mine have been stirring up the muddy bottom of a clear lake. it's darkened my mood considerably, and for all my personal discipline and pronoia, i'm having a hard time clearing it away.

this one's tenacious; it keeps returning, no matter how many times i step back out of the emotion and clear it away. i'm not consciously focusing on what i don't want, but i must be focused on it because the clouds just keep gathering in my sky. to make matters worse, i think my heart thinks it's falling in love with a younger man, which i promised i'd never do. hell, my dad would never let it happen (he's really picky about age). i'm an obedient and dutiful daughter, so if my dad would say "no," then i say no, too. but my heartstrings keep getting plucked and it's driving me crazy. in fact, it's adding to the previous problem and muddying the waters even more.

it came up in conversation that, my lifestyle being what it is, i really do, can, and have gone weeks with no more physical contact than my bi-weekly hugs from my parents. i've gotten used to that. just like i'm used to my cold bed (figuratively; i'm not talking about my wonderful electric blanket).

not only did i have no problem with it, i embraced it. if i lived the rest of my life alone, at least i'd have my family. i was content. but this friend keeps poking at me daily about it in our hours-long text message conversations. he knows i'm way too dynamic for that, and suddenly i'm not so okay with it. i think what makes me grumpy isn't so much that i feel i'm missing something by being alone, but i'd already settled everything in my soul and learned to love being alone. then here he comes and defiantly, deliberately, stirs up the mud until my clear lake isn't so clear anymore. if that makes any sense. argh.

i wish i could hate men. no, not really. but yeah, i do.