time marches on

so if yesterday i said, "eat, drink, and be merry! for tomorrow i diet," then i must admit that today is tomorrow.

and i have to admit that i got to bed an hour late and still woke up right on time. so i'm yawning like crazy. you know those, wide-mouthed, jaw-popping, eye-scrunching, near-violent yawns that flood your eyes with tears and make you a little light-headed? i keep taking off my reading glasses to rub my eyes. i put my glasses back on, only to take them off three second later to rub more yawn-induced tears out of my eyes.

i want to go back to bed.

instead i'm sitting here, writing this entry so i can --as boho mom said so perfectly-- be a role model.

y'know, i've worked out and dieted before. i've altered my eating habits for a lifestyle change. i've said, "i want a better body," but here i am, still stuck with the fat body i was born with. i've always been fat, my whole life. i don't know how to imagine me looking any other way. i was fat as a kid, fat as a teenager, and now i'm 204. which, btw, i find reprehensible.

but i've been watching myself slowly get a little cottage cheesy, and honestly i accepted it. i've fought against my weight my whole life, and nothing did more than help me shed maybe ten pounds and that was it. i've thought, all this time, that i would always look like this and never be my own personal version of beautiful. and i accepted it.

i gave in, and accepted it as my reality. and that, more than any other reason, is why i've remained a chunky chica this whole time.

never before --until now-- have i accepted something different. well, now i'm here and i've made the choice to accept that now...because i'm thirty, flirty, and fabulous...because this is the Year of the Funky Wow...because this is the Delenaissance...i'm making a different reality for myself. i accept that i can do this, and i will.

and even more importantly, i find accepting the reality of being fat and hating my body is UNacceptable. from here on out, i reject it. in its place, i accept the reality that i can be an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness.

and i'm going to do it right. i've had no luck doing this on my own, so i'm going to employ help. i'm telling everyone i know, so i have their support and encouragement...and accountability. think of it like reinforcement when the confidence gets a little weak. which it will! i'm human, and i too have my cycles of ups and downs, confidence and self-doubt.

boho mom also reminded me of something else. in her last comment, she saids she vows to be here every day. correct me if i'm wrong, boho, but i think you meant you'll come here every day to keep yourself motivated to lose the Tostito Twenty (cousin to the Freshman Fifteen, lol).

well you know what? i promise to be here, too. i accept that i'll also be here every day because commitment --true commitment-- is a discipline to be practiced, exercised, and renewed every single day. too many people think commitment is a choice you make once and magically are resolute every single day for the rest of your life, when the truth is that it's a choice made anew every single day.

well, today i make the choice to commit to my decision to be an Eye-Popping Amazon of OMFG.

(and my yawns are gone)


Tori said...

I know those kinds of yawns, and I yawned now just thinking of them. xD

I'm glad you aren't accepting something you don't want in your life anymore. It sounds like it will be a fight, but I think you're a strong-willed person. You'll do it!

Brandi said...

rock on goddess. I'm cheering you all the way!

Jane said...

I'm your biggest fan...of course I'll be cheering you on all the way. You will find this hard to believe but I grew up so underweight that I still carry around that body image baggage. At 44, I think I'm at a good weight but if someone I haven't seen for a while asks me if I lost weight, I want to run home and put on 10 pounds! For me, it doesn't matter if we're overweight or underweight; the issues of body image are the same. We all have to learn to find that perfect place inside of ourselves that accepts the outer image.

Anonymous said...

You're fabulous!!!
As is "Delenaissance" omg- LOVE IT!!!

So yesterday, nary a Tostito passed these lips, no chocolate, no muffins, no crap.
I blended up a spinach/romaine/endive smoothie with a bit of lemon juice and water and it wasn't bad!
I ate yogurt and brown rice and more broccoli and drank another smoothie of almond milk and frozen fruit. I wanted to scream and run to the corner store last night about 9:00 - (Tostito shovelling hour), but I resisted, and here I am, alive & dying to run to the corner store - but I won't.

I'm glad you showed up today! You are doing great!

Genie Sea said...

You can do it yes you can! If anyone can do it Delena can! Rah! Rah! Rah! :)