brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You're growing almost too fast, Capricorn. You know almost too much and you're almost too attractive. Furthermore, you're on the verge of being ridiculously smart, absurdly popular, and outlandishly creative. To avoid having any of this spawn jealousy in others, you should probably go overboard in expressing humility--even if you have to fake it a little. Another step you could take to minimize any problems people might have with your amazing beauty is to be extravagantly generous in sharing your wealth.


oh, mr. brezsny, don't tell me this. please don't tell me this... i'm too susceptible to hope and delusions of happiness as it is.

please don't tell me this. please don't tell me my work is paying off. all those days of torturous pilates where my ass is crying for mercy and you'd think i were getting my ass kicked (instead of kicking my own ass) with all the grunting and groaning because i can't do one hundred crunches in four different flavors without wishing for death. and the looking into the black mirror and staring my dark twin down into her very eyeballs. and, no matter how hard i try, i can't shed this naiveté for the life of me, and i've been told (and i know) it gives me an irresistable vulnerability -- because i don't grasp the world the way everyone else does. i don't see people the way they are, but the way i hope everyone is. i'm getting more beautiful by the day, shining just a bit brighter, believing just a little more that i am worth being heard, i am worth defending, i do have a right to exist...and to exist in happiness.

my confidence in myself is growing. i'm still shy, and i wonder if it's a part of me that will always be with me now, but being shy isn't the same as having no confidence. but unless i'm extremely comfortable with you, be prepared for much quietness, not a lot of eye contact, and even a little blushing. it's a little different when i'm with someone i'm comfortable with, but they're the only person i know. then it's all wit, sarcasm, and dry, self-depricating jokes. but i assure you, it's all bravado, because inside i'm nervous, unsure, and blushing like hell.

nobody believes me when i say i'm really quite shy. they've never seen me immersed in a totally new situation. it takes me ages to make friends on my own. ages.

but that's neither here nor there.

but i am humble. of course, i think the small pride i take in being humble completely throws it off the track, but hey, in the end it's our effort that matters. it's the climb, not the fact we reached the peak. and i know --and those who know me well-- know i'm the first to stand up and admit my failings. i gladly stand up and say, "my bad!" i even laugh at myself as i do it, and it's genuine laughter, too. but ever since houston, i am not afraid to stand up and, in the same breath after that "my bad," point my finger and highlight exactly how i was wronged in return. *n* taught me how to do that.

some people hate that i do it well. they call it "self-righteousness," and "arrogance," "ignorance," and "refusal to accept responsibility for my actions."

nooo...i just refuse to take responsibility for everyone else's actions, much as they want to pour them on me. i'm done being everyone's scapegoat, everyone's dog to kick at the end of the day, everyone's piss-on. and i think that upsets them, because they liked the power over. somewhere, inside, they felt they had a right to it. why else would they get pissed when i finally looked them in the eye and said, "no." but oh, no, not delena the doormat. it's not independence and strength to be admired...it's insufferable rebellion. now, true, i gave them that power in the beginning. but i also know i was raised and programmed not to know i had any other options. and it's not my fault they grew to like the power. it is my fault, however, that i gave up my own power in the first place.

well, i've taken it back, gods damn it all to hell. i'm my own revolutionary freedom fighter.

i don't tolerate that anymore. but i do still admit my mistakes and let everyone know when and where i'm ignorant. ignorance doesn't serve. being wrong is nothing more than the path towards being right.

i'm afraid of success. i'm afraid of living alone. i'm afraid of the dark, afraid of finding out i just might've wasted my life, afraid of finding out that all my work and effort and faith will avail me nothing. oh, i'm afraid of a lot of things. there are days where i'm nothing but one big ball of fear. the things i tell myself when i find myself getting trapped in self-pity sound more accurate to me than the truth, because i marinated in recrimination for most of my life. i refuse to acknowledge my birthday because i'm afraid i'll find out that no one really wants to celebrate me anyway, no one cares, so i'll get all dressed up anticipating a fantastic party and no one will show up. from the time i turned thirteen, my birthday was completely unacknowledged but my younger siblings still got some presents and special dinners. i didn't. and i still think, in my heart, that if my own bio-parents didn't want to celebrate me, why would anyone else? so i pretend it's just another day, and i try to be as low-key about it as i possibly can, because i don't want to set myself up for disappointment. but what i really, secretly, want are hugs and kisses and silly party hats and hilarious birthday cards with cats on them, maybe even a small present or two that actually required forethought.

i walk into a room and feel like the youngest, most inferior person there. i know i'm naive, and not very cynical or realistic (when it comes to people), and my idealistic "there's always room for beauty in the world of magic!" makes me feel not very smart to the people around me. i want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, give them every chance and withhold my own possible negative conclusions as long as possible, and the cynicism of the people around me make me feel like i should still be led around on a leash. "c'mon, little stupid girl, you're still not ready to go Out There on your own."

and i know it all boils down to the simple fact that i've been looked down upon my whole life. my whole life. i've been accused of some very horrible things which, in their point of view, are entirely accurate and sound logical. but if they would only stop to listen to what was in my heart, what my motivations and fears really were, they'd realize i wasn't any of those horrible things and their conclusions were so far off the mark it isn't even funny. and i know it can happen, so i try to give people the benefit of the doubt. i haven't always succeeded, and it's always been because of my fear. fear that, so someone has said to my face, was apparently a cop-out excuse. so much does he think he knows.

no one's ever understood me, and i know how it feels. so i try to understand everyone i possibly can. i know it's impossible, but there were a few people in my life who actually tried to understand me. and they still stick out in my mind: a high school teacher, my best friend greggo, two waitresses from IHOP, mr. and mrs. caballero. people who make a difference.

i have very humble beginnings, and a gentle spirit too susceptible to cruelty and kindness, and i know it. no amount of confidence, beauty, popularity, or creativity will ever change that. and i know that, too.