they call it "women's intuition"

you have no idea how many blog entries i wrote today, in my head.

hell, even *i* don't know how many blog entries i wrote today, in my head.

i tossed out every single one of them. don't get me wrong, they were actually quite beautiful. certain sentences were...poetic. but, i dunno, i just don't have the heart to blog today. it's been one of those days that makes me realize that while i might have done the whole "woman power! rar! i am in touch with my bleeding self and my bathtub with enya and wine is my moonlodge! gimme that drum..." sometimes the we-are-not-amused part of myself still can tell when i'm a little more hormonal than usual.

although it took *ds* to point out that i get a lot more guilt-ridden and second-guessing when it's close to that time of the month.

so i'm sure a lot of this is just the monthly descent into insecure self-doubt. i try to stay away from it now. especially now that i know it really is just me. honestly, i had no idea that i got that way, but thanks to *ds* i see the pattern now. sometimes all it takes is pointing out the pattern to me without accusation or condemnation. i don't respond to either well. then again, who does? but i take it a step further. i had quite enough criticism from the bio-dad, thanks.

but, i dunno. maybe it's just the blood coming, the surging tide of imbalanced hormones. today i woke up and i knew it was coming. It. a big, monumental change that i need to make in my life, to prepare for when It comes. almost like preparing for a tsunami, only not in a bad way. the thought actually occurred to me today: "maybe it's time to move back to so.cal."

to which i promptly replied: "like HELL it is!"

but the usual horror at the thought of so.cal didn't well up in me. it made me thoughtful.

you know what else made me thoughtful? i finally admitted it to myself. like, really admitted it to myself.

i want another baby.

i know, i know. i was all gun-ho about tying me up after li'l *c* popped out, but i didn't because my mother-in-law wanted me to make more in spite of the fact that one almost killed the both of us. i've never wanted another child. for three years after li'l *c* was born, actually, the very thought of getting pregnant again sent me into nauseated panic attacks. projectile vomiting and everything. it was traumatic. then, as the years passed, i went through the whole gamut of emotions regarding pregnancy and more children and my existing child and everything. there's one person i know i'd want to be pregnant with, but it's not going to happen.

i just always knew li'l *c* was going to be my one and only, and after i got over the trauma, i slowly realized i never got over the sad wistfulness of knowing i'd never have another. this past year and a half, maybe, the thought realization's popped up occasionally that i know i want another one. i always stuffed it back down, away where it belonged. but...it's there.

and not just that. i want to make enough money --soon-- to get my own small apartment. i want to decorate it in dragons, 70's retro, crocheted crafty things, and posters of shoes. i want a low table and lots of huge, floofy pillows. i want pink kitchen appliances just because it'd be a really hilarious joke.

pink's not even my favorite color, but i sure do like it.

and i wanna adopt a pug from the pug rescue shelter that's up in the puget sound. they're adorable, loving, funny, affectionate, and from the interaction i've had with pugs and what i know of them, they're the perfect personality to fit mine. i could give a pug a very happy, loving home, i think.

and there've been times lately, in the past few weeks, when i've had a bit of an appetite for someone in my life. not, like, in a trollish, prowling sort of way, and not even in the "someday my prince will come" kind of way. nothing of dreams and propaganda, stupid lies we tell ourselves about what love "really" is. just...an appetite for someone who is really compatible, shares my values, respects my autonomy, admires my journey into mental health. an appetite for companionship and friendship, chemistry.

and i also know that i don't want it right now. i like my life just as is: working, coming home to the great company of my small family, writing, dinner every other sunday with the parents. every first friday of the month i see a movie with one of my girlfriends. every once in a while i have lunch with *kas*. some unexpected evenings, occasionally, i enjoy ladies' night with *lw* and sometimes even *ky*. and that's my life.

and i like it. i'd be happy with a visit to whateverville, TN to visit my greggo, another ticket to hawai'i to get wild on the town with my other sister as soon as she gets back from iraq (we'd be scarywild together, i swear), and another ticket to so.cal to visit, well, everyone else in my life and stay with my lovely lovely *cd*. we'd stay up all night after her girls have gone to bed and sip spiked whatevers and talk about all those things that you can only tell a girlfriend over alcohol by candlelight. i've told her things i've never told anyone else, not even mentioned on the blog.

so...weird stuff. weird sentiments, and i wonder if it's women's intuition or just the rising tide of my ovarian dam about to burst.