what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

restless
adj.

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest
2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart
3. never at rest, perpetually agitated or in motion
4. without rest; without restful sleep
5. what delena's been lately


honestly, i don't get it. last night i couldn't settle down to save my life. i finally got to sleep around 01:30. and this is after taking melatonin and jeagermeister at, what, 22:30? i wanted to sleep. but i also wanted to stay up and watch a movie, read a book, figure out this stupid corner i've written myselt into with the heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

i wanted to call someone up and see if they wanted to hang out. it didn't matter who, either. i wanted to go take a drive, go fly a kite, go smoke a clove. i wanted to find some nice, mind-altering substances because i'd been on edge all day yesterday. sundays at work make me want to commit sepuku. they're horrible, horrible days. i almost actually cried at work yesterday. we just get so slammed, and i had three difficult descriptions (what people want us to do with their dogs) in a row that were all the same thing. every single one of my dogs went out late, some of them two hours late. the customer couldn't even complain in a civilized way, she had to be a fucking cunt about it, and then the manager lady took it out on me. she later said it wasn't that she was upset with me, she was more upset with the customer, but still. all i could think of was here i landed this fantastic job and now i'm going to get fired.

well, thank the Multi-versal Jiggy Snake i didn't get fired. thank all the Funk who made me. but still. sundays are horrible, and i just wonder where the fuck they all come from. don't they go to church or something? jeez...

and i still have that feeling of the unknown reality tsunami. It's coming. i don't know when It arrives or what It'll be or look like, but there's still that feeling. thank the Divine Wow it hasn't affected my appetite, otherwise i'd have to be upset.

but i kept getting up and wandering around the apartment early this morning. for the life of me, i couldn't figure out what to do with myself. i hate that. sometimes i still get the complete aversion to falling asleep, that vague and tiny dread of tomorrow. that desire to simply remain in the dark quietness of the middle of the night. the vague, sick, twisting feeling that i haven't done enough today, i've wasted what hours i had and i didn't do enough in them.

i've had that feeling for years, about night and sleep and bedtime. i wish i could say it's why i have such horrid insomnia, but i've had that for half my life -- literally. no, this vague the-tsunami-is-coming feeling is different. i can't stand being restless.