what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

tension
n.

1. intense, suppressed suspense, anxiety, or excitement
2. a strained relationship between individuals
3. a force tending to stretch or elongate something
4. a measure of such a force
5. something delena experiences on a daily basis nowadays...


there are all sorts of things going on in my head, many of which actually render me quite absent-minded. i've done everything from run the swinging door into someone's face at work, to forget portions of a "top dog" package at work (which is too much for what we do, i think, but what do i know?), to simply wander back to the same place a dozen times knowing i went there to get something but not knowing what on earth it was supposed to be.

but that's the result of a good kind of tension.

there's also the not-so-good tension that revolves around wanting to call in sick to work because, oh, i dunno...my back was so jacked up after sepuku sunday that i actually lost sensation in my legs for a few hours and only sheer will kept me somewhat mobile. that, and a lot of stoicism. some days i'd wonder how come i'm not a whimpering little sobbing ball on the floor, except i know it's simply because i've grown accustomed to what used to be crippling amounts of pain.

the situation at work has gotten to the point of blatant disregard for what i'm doing there, and how much i'm doing to make up for the slacker, the lack of manpower, and the sheer volume of customer demands. yet again today i open the shop only to find someone has erased my blocked-out time slots and written in yet another dog, thus overbooking me to a heretofore untold ricockulous degree. i was already overbooked, but that dog sent me into such stress levels i'm still dealing with stomach cramps four and a half hours after clocking out. the disrespect is outrageous.

i love what i do. i love what i do. i don't love the self-absorption, lack of intelligent thought, and disregard going on. especially not when it means that every single day i work, i'm overbooked and end up staying late, thereby being present for walk-ins and it's mandatory we take them. i get stuck, and my body does not have enough time to recover before i have to do it all again. one day off (especially when 95% of the time i'm called in anyway) is not enough.

and then there's the tension of...well, the tension of wondering, of hoping and laughing and anticipating and wondering. the tension of six hours on the phone, or four, each night and every night all week. the tension of knowing there's a line somewhere, but not knowing where it is or what will actually be considered crossing it. the tension of envisioning things to come and just...

it's like the movie crank. you ever seen that? it's like that. like a slamming shot of adrenaline that just won't quit.