just shut the hell up

have you ever come to the sudden realization that you've forgotten how to be alone with yourself? or, worse yet, that you find yourself such reprehensible company that you refuse to be alone with yourself?

music is my constant company lately. i've never been without a book to read, not since forever, but now? if there's even one spare minute, i'm cracking open my book and not allowing myself a moment to think. i've avoided touching the heartbreaking work of staggering genius like one avoids touching a dead spider squished on the bottom of a shoe. when i'm bored with reading, i pop in a movie or play oblivion. i leave little room for thought lately.

the other day *m* wrote me a letter, and damn him for his timing. sometimes i wonder why the human species can't just love and not hurt one another. but it seems the deeper we love, the harder we hurt.

not just that, but i saw yesterday how *sy* and i will end and there's nothing for it but to let it play itself out. at least i see this one coming. the other day i was talking with one of the girls from the salon, and i was talking about how all my relationships worked until they didn't work anymore. her point was that, in the end, none of them ever worked so there was no point in me giving them validation.

what she doesn't understand is that everything works, everything lasts, until the day it doesn't. nothing is made to last. and on a long enough timeline, the life expectancy of everyone drops to zero.

whenever i let myself think too much, i can feel my pragmatism and experience telling me to just let go of hope, as it hasn't served me at all save to set me up for devastation later. it wars with something idiotic and naive within me, some small voice that i can't kill, that continues to fight to hold on to hope. but no matter that it's apparent *m* and i still love each other, we're not a good match. and *sy* and i are already stamped with an expiration date. yet i still find myself waiting up for whenever *m* gets home just because i hate being so damn lonely. i look forward to my evenings with *sy*, because at least it means arms around me while i sleep.

didn't i say peace would be a long time coming? i find i simply cannot embrace the prospect of a life alone. if there were a convent dedicated to the service of lilith, i would drop everything and join it. or i wish i could drop everything --the magic, the striving for evolution, the calling to learn and serve my goddess as i may-- and just become one of the herd, with no thoughts of higher aspirations. i wish i could just forget this pointless longing.

and i'm restless. one thing about myself i've very rarely touched upon is my cravings as a submissive. for those familiar with the BDSM world, i am wholly a submissive. it's not about sex at all, but it is about love. it's about trust. it's about a song in the blood, a song of safety and unmitigated surrender, an echo of need and response. my particular favorite is the flagellum, a deep thud i feel all the way through my bones. a part of me needs this, and perhaps twice a year i grow restless and despairing in my craving. it's like a cat in heat, only my need is much more subtle if no less powerful.

the fine line is, ironically, administering to myself isn't like masturbation so much as it's like self-injuring. my struggles with such were chronicled over a year ago in another blog, and in yet another blog during my time in houston. again, perhaps not so ironically, the key is in the connection with another person...but not just anyone. quite rare, indeed, to find someone who would be both lover and dominant. more than likely the two would be separate.

however, this blog wasn't so much a lament as the fact i'll never find a partner, as it was my struggles with coming to grips with that fact while, inconveniently, my other craving decided to rear its seldom-seen head at just this moment. the subject might be uncomfortable for most. after all, how many can say they actually enjoy getting the crap beaten out of them? but for those of us who understand, it's somewhat of a transcendental experience and i'm not quite complete without it. thank all the gods the craving comes seldom. i've learned how to weather it. it's just one more thing i know i'll just have to accept living without.

hence why i don't like my own company right now. too much acceptance of deprivation of things that make me fundamentally myself. how much am i going to have to deny?

love is illusion.
all of life is illusion.
it all comes to naught.